thought# 67- day one

observations/lessons on my first official day of university.

1. feigning that you're confident (not stuck up, there is a difference) actually makes you feel better internally. sometimes all you need to do is ask a stranger and admit you are totally lost and frightened that you'll arrive late to a lecture, when in fact all you needed to do was walk straight ahead and wait for another twenty minutes.
2. it's easy to start conversation with strangers in the context of university. personally i am not one to engage in initiating this practice but eventually i will try and become pro.
3. make friends with the people you sit next to at lectures. it not only makes things much easier but boosts your social circle x infinity. 
4. do not ogle at handsome boys, skim. even when you don't have your glasses on, pretend you are not blind casually glance, smile if the occassion calls and do not repeat frequently unless you want to be thought of as an immature, blind, strange little stalker.
5. accept that you won't be the most stylish/smartest/prettiest/funniest/nicest/loudest/quietest person in the room. acknowledge your mediocrity but also know that you, in yourself, are brilliantly unique. be content and resist the temptation to compare or burst into inconsolable tears haha.
6. befriend the co-op bookshop. make it your new boyfriend. 
7. don't scowl when strangers double take a glimpse of you. smile, or remain blank. look sophisticated and abuse your unfamiliarity (as with numeros 1-5). do not intend this for flirtatious or malicious purposes or the creepy folk will come after you.
8. consume coffee or any form of caffeine before a lecture, especially when you have been awake since 6am. it really helps.
9. do not try to be fashionable in freezing weather. it is a mistake to think you can get away healthy with a thin blazer and stockings. its simply no use shivering especially in front of gorgeous strangers who may mistake you for an epileptic ridden person.
10. savour lecture breaks. take this opportunity to befriend, skim some more. breaks are ingenious 
11. riding on a ghost train conjures feelings of loneliness and nostalgia. so does eating at a sushi train by yourself. solitude has its benefits but in this case it is only depressing.
12. fall asleep as soon as you get home before anything else. sleep is heaven sent to the overwhelmed, undergraduate who has walked in the rain, purchased ridiculously expensive textbooks and has been awake since 6am (an ungodly hour for the insomniac) all day. 
13. i quite like university. i could definitely get used to this. 

love,

thought #66- "we go blind when we needed to see"

as quoted by one of my favourite damien rice songs rootless tree, this line only makes me ponder on a subject that i have been pondering on for quite some time now- indifference. does it exist? is it attainable? is there a difference between apathy and indifference? profound stuff, you know (insert sarcasam haha).

personally i dont believe in indifference. i believe in apathy. i believe that apathy can be achieved almost like a habit or an addiction. at first you swear "im never going to smoke a ciggie in my life" then you taste the sweet, filthy tabacco and you want more. eventually you become so inclined to ciggies that you spend your whole life in the middle of puffing away and reinstating the fantasy-fuelled day you will promise to quit. this is similar to apathy. you "ngaw" at the starving children in africa, and "ngaw" at natural tragedies that strike, and "ngaw" at the social injustice occurring in our backyard let alone in our planet and suddenly you become so "ngaw-ed out" that eventually those ads/phamplets/people who knock on your doors/info regarding all these things leave you with a sense of nothing new/nothing's changed, in other words apathy.

then there is indifference. don't get me wrong, i believe you can feign indifference, just as my thought a while back talked about pretending not to care and such affirms. i believe you can pretend you arent affected by things as opposed to being affected by things and not giving a rats ass about it (apathy). but to say i am indifferent, unshaken, unaffected by things merely does not exist. we are swayed every day of our lives by everything and anything. whether we have seen/learnt it 10 years ago or seen today. memories, moments, people, words they all affect us. sometimes it doesnt show and most of the time it appears to have no affect but subconsciously your brain is at work gnawing through the details to the most trivial.

ive always secretly wanted to attain indifference. because emotions are hard to handle. because its far more easier to walk away on a past relationship and not be affected by anything synonymous the next day. but then i realise its impossible. i can pretend as much as i can, or i can deal with it. i know dealing with it will never erase anything but it can assist in the healing. dealing gives you a better alternative then pretence. so i guess the next time you wish you were a cold heart bitch or simply had indifference in your life, deal with what must be dealt with instead then move on. it may be the hardest option, but its the most real.

love,

ps. its called pretend.

thought # 65- dating myself sounds slightly depressing

but its true. i never paid much attention to sole wandering in the city and have always thought of it as a hassle free way to play until today. finishing a lecture early opened myself to a possibility of free time with the absence of a companion or anyone familiar for that matter hence i chose to have a little city date with myself. usually i would find this fine and dandy to be strolling with large quantities of shopping bags (via my impulsion and lack of self control), coffee/gelato in hand, smiling pathetically at the lovely couples crossing my path and perving subtly at the handsome strangers in their solo trivial routine, without any real effect. however today, perhaps its just the situation i was in, or the absence of sleep and ergo the absence of proper thinking, was different. i actually felt kind of left out. leftover, single and feeling the solitude sort of thing. i suddenly wanted that person beside me, not holding my hand, but next to me carrying my shopping bags, buying me ice cream, holding the umbrella out (i know it sounds like i need a p.a. or slave but you are mistaken haha).

it was this sudden desire, that turned my date into a depressing muse. i mean don't get me wrong im not desperate and single life is amazing and carefree and headache-less than relationships. but there are moments, perhaps birthed out of being single for too long, or lonely for too long, or being one without another for too long. perhaps its any condition "for too long" which causes one to yearn. but then i guess im reminded of my little impromptu pact of patience. and i still stand by it.

as much as i wouldnt mind someone in my life, i mind getting into the wrong relationship. i do mind who  that someone is in my life. and im hoping the patience is worth it. so as i begin university on monday, i will keep this in mind. knowing me the utter excitement of university and university folk alike will completely cause me to momentarily short circuit, but i must remind myself that patience is priceless and will be paid in amounts surpassing anything monetary.

it's true when people say, you can't put a price on peace of mind. so with less anxiety and frustration in mind and with more patience and hope, im holding out for my next date with myself as less depressing. who knows i might meet another soul having a date with himself too haha.

love,

p.s. gross... *bursts into tears* HAHAHA i kid.

thought # 64- it's the little things

in life which truly impact. i mean yes the significant, drastic, life altering things always make an impact and influence in our world as a whole, but i truly believe in the small, minute, when no one notices, iotas of triviality which we always tend to dismiss as nothing more than "it just happens." today i went on another trek to the city and experienced numerous little but lovely things today.

i appreciated the way this man scooted across for another man to sit beside him on the 616X to the city that morning, and i appreciated the way the thankful man quickly waved in gratitude to the other as they seperated. i appreciated the way people, in their busy routines of life, paused internally to smile once an eye was caught along that long tunnel thing from central station. i appreciated the way i entered my first compulsory seminar (slightly late) and how that lovely lady pushed her table aside for me to pass through the squishy aisle. i appreciated the way the lady in the uts toilet admired my boots whilst drying her own hands simultaneously. i appreciated waiting for a train to newtown from redfern and the eclectic folk that surrounded me. i appreciated the lady who sold me those cheap shoe boots i had lusted for three weeks and found still lying in the window front yearning to be owned by myself. i appreciated the delightful $7 lunch special at maggi's thai restaurant and even more appreciative that the waiter let me cash out at the atm adjacent to the restaurant after i had eaten. i appreciated the lady's kindness when i accidently hit her with my big ass mimco bag whilst trying to sit down on the train.  i appreciated the way the young school girl asked if she could sit next to me on the bus. i appreciated the way so many people bought lovely shit from friperie at its launch. i appreciated the way my mother was keen to help me with the my little hobby. i appreciated many things today.

small, simple things that make me appreciate life even when i feel frustrated by the present circumstances. so shit happens, and things aren't always delightful and rosy and amazingly euphoric. i'm not feeling very splendid at all this week. yet when you're drowned in the kindness of strangers and friends alike, you cannot help thank the one above that there is always, always something to smile about at the conclusion of the day.

ps. i appreciate julian casablancas, santogold and pharrell williams. i really do.

thought #63- be be your love

i don't think ive posted a song as a thought ever. however due to the busyness of life as we speak and a concotion of tiredness and humidity from photoshoots in the sweltering sun with my gorgeous love eleanor clark, has caused me to think of nothing but this oldie but goodie. a song i have always adored, and yes it was on sisterhood of the travelling pants and yes i am unashamedly able to say that it was a good movie despite the horrible stigma i had created prior to viewing it haha.

enjoy lovelies and be sure to check friperie tomorrow night, photos will finally be up!

"Be Be Your Love"- Rachael Yamagata

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say?
Would you think I'm unreal?
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love 


without disrespecting the brilliance of this song, i believe my situation sings more
"you don't want me to be, be your love, but i want, want, want to be your love" sigh haha. get over it abi, you're pathetic haha

love,

p.s. not sure if ive used this pic before. but its worthy of a repost. i definitely feel like this lately. stuck to a fucking wall i want to love and hate simulatenously. just like falling for people, pathetic really haha. 

thought #62- say what you need to say

i apologise for the absence of my daily entries of life, love and the shit that i get up to on a daily and banal basis haha. it finally appears i have an excuse and i have come to notice that productivity is a far greater severer of social ties than boredom and laziness. this past week has been occupied with other jealous priorities from university orientation days, work, friperie, friends, gigs and all sorts of random days/events.

for a hacked, shortened and brief recount of events, orientation on friday was splendid. it was the first time i have woken up at 6am in a long, long time. it was also the first time i had to run for a bus. my goodness, my little unfit legs and clear drowsiness from a sleepless night was a lovely combination to start my day as a soon to be official university student haha. after momentarily losing my co-ordinates between town hall and central, i engaged in a quick breakfast and an equally quick perve at the school boys congregating near maccas haha.

after i caught a train to central and engaged in a lazy trek towards uts (temporarily pausing for a caffeine fix... i was dying haha). being sandwiched by thousands of students had both its positive pros (subtle perving, gorgeous people, potential lovers, strangers who are soon to be friends etc.) and negative cons (getting caught whilst subtly perving, gorgeous people who are so intimidating, potential lovers with amazing girlfriends and potential heartbreakers, strangers soon to be enemies etc. haha) nevertheless the experience and the uni was grand and i am oh so excited and expectant at what this year will bring. i feel like im in year 7 again, a little lost and overwhelmed but hoping for nothing but the best.

this wed is my last shift at betts until i decide to christmas casual it next year. im slightly saddened but hopeful that i will find a replacement job soon. im praying that people call immediately as my poverty-stricken university student status is looming and freaking me out haha. i know parents will provide, as lovely and amazing as they are, but the extra income would definitely not hurt.  speaking of extra income, friperie is opening oh so soon. i am beyong excited and hope that the idea will hit off with everyone! the extended garage sale is the only fun and semi-brilliant thing that i've come up with since origami cranes and insane individuals haha. so yes i know you must be sick of my self-advertising but please check the website out and tell everyone about it!

so that is the brief revelations of my life as we speak. anything social is being fuelled by brief coffee/shopping/movie playdates with lovelies however the start of university can only mean shortened freedom and more behavioural management theories and accounting equations to think about *sigh* haha. the love life is terribly unattractive as we speak haha. it is this horrible concoction of loneliness, uncertainty, wants, rewinds,  fast forwards, flattened expectations, hopefulness, pulverising of the heart and patheticness.  i only wonder when the straight forward will shine its little face on me and hope to learn how to not be affected by disappointment. essentially, id like to learn indifference. to save myself from believing things could be mutual...

oh well. on with life, friperie in two days!!! thats all i needed to say haha.

love,

ps. found this brilliant photo on my friend's facebook. for stalker purposes i shall leave him anonymous, but yes. what a lovely piece of art.

thought# 61- my new baby

to be honest, i haven't been in much deep contemplation lately, simply because my mind has been preoccupied with the impulsive birthing of a totally foreign concept to me- online thrift stores. out of a burst of inspiration due to a random encounter with stores such as http://shopenvanite.blogspot.com, as well as deep contemplation regarding the prospect of employment whilst in university, i decided that i could rid myself of less clutter and more bones through a simple, straightforward thrift store. first, let me reiterate its more of an extended garage sale where my lovely shit will be for anyone and everyone to view and purchase (provided you live in sydney) rather than a high end vintage boutique similarly to the ones you froth over at newtown or surry hills. i wish i had enough beautiful stuff but most of my pieces are ugly, weird, out of date and could use some alterations to look better. hence why i'm selling them dirt cheap and allowing you to use your creativity and embrace them as your own.

friperie, so far has been the most painless, effortless birth i've had (and might i add my first haha). i feel like mary (not intending to sound sacrilegious) haha but anyway, it feels like a brilliant idea that may totally flop or not. im hoping for the later. so spread the word friends, and let everyone know. friperie (french for second hand store, because im a french wannabe as you all know haha) will be officially launching its first range of items for sale next week 23/2/10. so don't miss it. things will be ridiculously underpriced as im attempting to get them out of my house so snag a bargain.

visit http://friperiesydney.blogspot.com for more details. thanks and hope to see you as my potential customers haha.

love

thought #60- i want want want

when i was younger (and to this day) my mother used to tease me relentlessly whenever i began the want list. "mum i want this and i want this and i want this" she would mimic me in an annoying nasaly tone in the hope of making me stop. usually it didn't work until i got slapped in the ass and told to shut up (haha im kidding, my mother usually just said "aiii nako you always want everything!"). i don't think we ever grow up from wanting things. its an innate human characteristic to desire. to want and need things, people, affirmation, materialistic wonder, love, satisfaction, purpose and the list continues endlessly.

i think we often get carried away with wanting so much and expecting beyond our physical context that we forget the joy of giving. we lose sight on the value of the giver because we're so focused upon the gift. its cliche i know, but its true. it rings truth as i find myself convicted over the numerous times ive allowed material wonder or a fleeting euphoric moment with a person fuel my happiness. when in fact i have forgotten purity and joy that comes from giving, physically and emotionally. i know it sounds like sappy bullshit again but in a world where acquiring and possessing is the sole agenda its nice to think that there are still givers in this world, without any hidden agenda or malicious intentions. they want to give because they are able and willing.  but of course this doesn't give you permission to abuse so don't be a bitch and keep taking haha.

i often think if one person would take the time to give to another, then perhaps the world would be less selfish and more gracious. simply because a stranger experienced a moment of generosity and passed it on. a chain reaction i guess. so next time i complain and whinge and moan about wanting something desperately, i guess ill just pause and think "have i given anything lately?"

love,

ps. i know, really irrelevant. something i want in the future, i guess haha.

thought #59- the pros and cons of valentines day

the reasons why i've never celebrated valentines day and, although i may perhaps appreciate this tradition in the future, never really fancied it at all haha.

CONS

1. the endless pathetic sap- being anti-romantic (to an extent haha) this day is but another excuse to excessively gush over other halves and lovers in the form of rhymes publically and embarrassingly spread across the local newspaper, purchase novelty sized teddy bears with "i love you" scrawled across the heart its carrying across its chest (and if your boyfriend is a genius you may even get a "i love you beary much!" *insert eye roll at pun* haha), cut poor roses from gardens knowing very well they will be discarded the same day and other cheesy shit. 
2. the degregation of the colour red and the three word phrase- i can no longer appreciate the colour red on valentines day knowing very well that couples in matching outfits and other traditionalists are flaunting around their scarlet as if today's the only day you can wear the hue. its a horrible cliche that can be likened to corsages at proms/formals and superstitions such as not opening umbrellas indoors.... excuse me but i'll open my fucking umbrella whenever i want! haha. in addition to this hackneyed concept is the repeated use of "i love you" or better yet the word itself "love." truly it has lost its meaning by the very nature we carelessly toss around the VERB on this day. tragically it can take only a transitory pause of a day for one's "i love yous" to be "i never want to see you again." *sigh* haha
3. the commercialism- just like christmas and its advertising of santa claus, christmas lights and anything synonymous to "ho ho ho," valentines day is another time of the year in which florists, candy shop/ restaurant owners and cinema complexes get a chance to shine. well its not necessarily a con for florists to take advantage of this day (being in such a niche and luxury sort of market) if they didn't have to charge their flowers so damn expensive. i mean remind me again why i have to pay for a half dead red rose for $10 a stem?!!!
4. the weekend weight gain, overdose on chick flicks and excessive consumption of alcohol and cigarettes- some people may actually see this as a pro. right until the moment they regurgitate cookie and cream chunks, shots of tequila and cry simultaneously due to the frustrating hurt of having to vicariously live through perfect couples in movies.
5. its another stab at singles- as if everyday isn't enough to remind us of our loneliness haha. ok, so im exaggerating. most singles are actually fine with their status and do not hold any insecurities due to their patience and understanding that things such as the mockery of valentines day will pass. bitterness and cyncism is an acquired taste i guess. and although you can live with people, especially yourself, beating the brains out of the concept of singleness with sarcastic jokes and cruel fun, the reality of the fact lingers. even if you are as anti-sap as myself, you can't help feel scintillas of being left out, of wishing you could expect something even as quixotic as a dozen roses at your doorstep or your man taking you out for dinner or perhaps waking up together with his shirt on. and although it is thoroughly amusing to laugh at the gag worthy couples snuggling in the couples seat right next to you, or comment at how daggy pdas and another public declarations of affection are, at the end of the day you are ultimately the one without the other... 

PROS

1. you expect nothing and gain nothing in return- the disappointment (apart from the obvious gaping hole in the shape of your palpitating organ) of wondering if he will, or if he won't will not exist. the dramas are invisible. the frightening feeling of being dumped on valentines day is a mere nightmare... simply because there is no one to get dumped from, no one to receive a shitty tightarse present and no one to say "i don't love you..." 

*bursts into uncontrollable tears* HAHAHA i kid, happy valentines day!

love,

ps. yeah it was alright. seeing my lovely girls was far better haha. 

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.

thought #57- neither careless nor careful

you know that sickening feeling sandwiched between annoyance, pretence and patience? you know when you're trying so hard to pretend that you don't care when deep down you really do? i am currently experiencing it. i know its petty and paltry for me to even be affected, but i find that i am. it is this foolishness which i can't explain or tame that leads me to todays thought- feigning care.

im certain you've met people or experienced personal moments in life where you pretend you care when you don't. like when a friend gushes into excessive detail about their first sexual encounter or perhaps an acquaintance describes their brand new material lust. most of the time you smile politely, whilst agonising internally wishing that the conclusion will appear somewhere and soon. at the present moment of being enslaved into an encounter you do not desire, nothing seems amusing and that feeling of being so close (to walking away) yet so far is a mere fantasy.

then on the other hand, there a moments in which you pretend you don't care but deep inside you do. i believe this is far harder to control or display. like when someone you adore is gushing about how much he is crazy about another girl, or when you've failed an exam you know you studied your arse off. externally you shrug it off and smile politely but internally you are crumbling at the thought of another letdown (refer to thought #57). some people actually master this feigning. some people have learnt how to hide their feelings so well that their seclusion undermines any emotion. some people turn to ice at situations whilst others become oversensitive.

its a personality thing i guess. so what's better to pretend you care when you don't? or pretend you don't care when you do? actually, what's worse? sometimes i find myself asking this question, as i try to find normality in my life at this present moment. either way, someone ends up getting hurt and as a line from a song i wrote entitled my bestfriend's lover goes "and i have an inkling its me."

*sigh* haha nevertheless soldier on. there's no use in living life tragically. let your cares mean you do and let your apathy mean you don't. can we be simple, just this once?

love,

thought #56- you're a beautiful letdown

being carnal, human and broken life is inevitably peppered with disappointment. some disappointments are trivial and petty similarly to the way matthew moore breaks his promises again and again yet somehow makes it up to me by a singular apology and entertaining text message (plus you put up with my mean and incessant annoying haha). some disappointments are life altering, encounters, moments and people which dictate or sway the course you will take, the prospects of your tomorrow, the conscious and deliberate decision to arise each morning. some disappointments are learning blocks, similarly to failures and mistakes whilst others are indelible scars that take patience and faith to heal.

regardless of what sort of disappointment we must face there is only really one question and solution that distinctly creates a barrier between humanity. to hope and overcome? or being engulfed and in despair? it is easy to fall back into apathy and complacency and begin to exist without any intention of living. it is easy to also say that i will choose hope when life is dandy and euphoric but not so effortless when you are at the very crook of the valley.

sadly there is no five step guide on how to deal with disappointment. there is no easy solution or equation but we must remember that it is part of life. there will be a tomorrow, there is hope, there is always an opportunity to rise and another day to conquer. some people may laugh at this crudely and remark that i am idealistically bullshitting. that is fair enough. but i truly believe disappointment is not what is to define our life, but the way we dealt with it. it is not foolish to trust and hope and have faith. it it takes all these things in order to overcome a letdown. ultimately there is a reason why we can face difficulties, a reason which leads us to realise we are so much bigger then ourselves and our disappointments are only specks in the totality of existence. that reason why abides in you and i.

love,

ps. follow the up arrow, the sky is limitless after the tragedy :) thanks danise! 

thought #55- why i wouldnt mind calling the eastern suburbs home

seven reasons why i would farewell western sydney and bonjour to the eastern suburbs/sydney cbd

1. frequent visits to the tea room- if you have not experienced an old fashioned, high-classed morning high tea then you are really missing out on the finer, luxurious things in life. it was absolutely beautiful sitting with our little china and view of enslaved of commonwealth bankers on the other side and chattering about love, life, past, present and future. the staff are multicultural (mainly french), friendly and tip-worthy. the place itself is a masterpiece with a glass encased elevator and plenty of opportunities to pose in front of the tea cups.  i'm just hopeful that grace sicat enjoyed her birthday present :)
2. the shopping- everything from high-end designers which make you sigh as you pass their store fronts and security guard protected fronts, to vintage op-shops where you can score a cute dress for ten bones and unique knick knacks and everything (e.g. buttons, typewriters, cowboy boots, babysitter club videos, birdcages) in between. there is nothing lacking. downside... funds haha.
3. the eclectic residents- not that i'm being disloyal to the westies but the eastern suburb residents really know what to wear, what to read, what to consume, what to generally not be. most are also friendly, some high-strung and snotty but i guess this doesnt bother me. it's fantastic.
4. the terrace houses- its been a dream of myself and my best friend madeleine astle, to move into a terrace house one day with a brightly painted door and splendidly rusted grills. one day perhaps... *sigh* haha.
5. the little treasures of eatery- there are about 9076084369 cafes located in the easter suburbs, most of them titled strangely but nevertheless intriguing. i am adamant to try them all one day and bask in the morning/ afternoon laziness with a book at hand and cup of coffee in the other.
6. the scenery- is photo worthy. from the old run down, dilapidated buildings, to the ancient churches and busy streets. everything is beautiful in its own strange, ugly and unconventional way.
7. the crux between laid back and busy- depending on where you are, places such as newtown are sleepy and community focused whereas the cbd is peppered with suit-wearing, on the go, busy busy busy strangers. the double edged sword is rather appealing. 

p.s. can't wait till university. hopefully i shall be exploring far more. nevertheless today was brilliant. can't wait to repeat the adventure. 

love,

ps. shots taken from newtown. obviously not by me. thank God for google. 

thought #54- hot is better left to describe heat not humans

even though i'm a repeated culprit at referring to overly attractive men as "hot" deep inside there is so much more to a gorgeous person behind such a label and moreso it would be less tragic to know that a man thinks of you far more greater than your "hotness." so as i promised my dear friend matthew moore, i will explore the word/concept of "hot" and its irrelevance to relationships and our society in general, in five easy statements.

1. there is a difference between hot and beautiful- to be described as hot may certainly be flattering, but will not perpetually continue. in this world you are either genetically blessed to have the ability to make men/women melt at your smouldering physique and external attractiveness, however this doesn't necessarily equate to a beautiful human being. the word hot is often affiliated with either the scantily clad, make up- ridden, good looking but zero substance girls who enjoy their time spent being felt up and in the company of equally bitching friends or the smoking, jaw dropping males who flaunt and swoon but have dick and jerk written all over. to be beautiful could actually include a degree of "hotness" but to be solely associated to as being hot is superficially and irrefutably not beautiful. being beautiful is to have a heart that can exceed the loveliness of one's face. 
2. being hot is so transitory- what's hot is so easily defined by the mind of an era. you could be hot last year, then you're suddenly not simply because you're not wearing the popular clothes, listening to the popular music, being popular and all that shitty mainstream business. besides since we've established that hot is a shallow factor, today you may be seen as hot but in 20 years time this could no longer be the case. sadly, if you are too busy being fuelled by this idea of "hotness," chances are you will age to a point of realisation that you never took the time to be beautiful or even understand human beauty.
3. being JUST hot is not enough- so yes you maybe "hot" and attractive and every man/woman you encounter froths over how gorgeous you are, but at the end of the day no one would ever delight in a boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic relation/other half replying to the question "why do you like so and so?" with "cause they're hot." it would be a different story if one was to continue after this, but if its solely because you're hot then forget it. you're personality and values and things that define you greater than a hormone-fuelled feeling are far more worthy.
4. being hot is superficial- would you prefer a girl/guy saying that you're so beautiful or you're so hot? i mean obviously beautiful means theres so much more than just scratching the surface of a human. hot in this context can be seen as derogatory or even dehumanising as if you are defined simply by how physically irresistible you can be and not because you are wise, profound and caring.
5. relationships are never based on "hotness"- and if they do, they usually don't last. you're an absolute idiot if you date someone just because they are fabulous arm candy but when no ones looking and commenting on how great you are together, there are no deep talks, similarities and common interests- you end up as bland, flat and one sided. i dont think folks like my grandparents who have been married for over 50 years once thought of each other as hot and that was it. its not bad i guess to be "hot" but its more important to be beautiful.

love,

ps. it really is, haha. 

thought #53- "the morning after" feeling

you know that unexplainable calm you receive after a relentless, shitty evening? that odd sensation of not being quite over a situation or someone or something but knowing within the very walls of your gut that things will be fine? that assurance that even if things remain unrecognisable and unknown, that eventually light will be shed? i think i may have it.

as john mayer sings in, in repair "i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there." i believe it echoes truth within life as we speak. i love how two sided the connotation "the morning after" brings. it can either imply a fantastically thrashed evening of subconscious decisions and waking up to handsome or handsome at the time men... similarly to those movies. most of the time you laugh at the protagonist's misfortune and think "haha sucks to be you." then there are those morning afters where one has been balling their eyes out, literally heaving out the tragic bits of life and then awaking the next morning feeling concaved and worn out. i must say i'm with the latter right now.

but the only difference is that my morning after is fuelled with hope. i mean the confusion remains, the nips of pain lingers but the prospect of moving on is so much greater. i already feel things developing, the heart being arranged to let someone else in. i choose to be happy, because that option is there. life is far too short to mope around and brood haha.

so i guess even in the worst of moments and hardest of times there is always "a morning after" to look forward to. one peppered with joy. in other words hope.

love,

ps. never heard of the band. great pic though haha.

thought #52- too familar yet undeciphered

i find this concept of familiarity and certainty as two interrelating concepts, yet two very distinct things.
i find myself battling between the two and as much as i desire certainty i find myself stuck in the corner of recognised places, faces, things and never treading any deeper to where i fear to wade yet desire to explore. on friday at united, i was overcome with this feeling as i briefly exchanged the most sudden contact with former favourite boy. it was an odd feeling, but the best example of what i mean between familiarity and certainty.

prior to 2010, familiarity and certainty between us and most things in life were hand in hand. things were splendid and lacking in complexity and confusion. now i find the bridge has widened and in that five second wave, in that turning around to see him dissolve within a crowd of hundreds of lovely young things, i realised that the familiarity was there. everything had not been moved or altered. the place was recognised, even the moment was a repeat. everything made sense. yet in that quick moment i also realised that my certainty, that my feeling of assurance was no longer present. and to be honest it was slightly tragic. there was no more awkward glances, no more smiles, no more knowing where you belonged and who you belonged to. those were suddenly ripped apart by the divide of our different lives.

when i arrived home, i began to see how life has slowly become swallowed by this trend of familiarity. where everything is in place. where you are not lost, where you need not to adjust. but the reason why you are there, the meaning behind the recognition seems distorted. i want it back... i want things to not just be "hey i know this!" and "yes ive seen this before". but to also be "and that is why i do this." i guess this trivial encounter left me questioning whether i had chosen the correct path and made the right decision. but i guess the conclusion of this year will tell me all and i am beyond pathetic-ness to want anything more but become nothing less. i refuse to regret.

i miss knowing everything was alright. i miss many things. but i guess missing can only be an extension. the rest is living it out.

love,

p.s. what familiarity and certainty looked like (past tense).

thought #51- non-mutually exclusive concepts

i really don't have a thought today. so here's a story haha.

there lies a candid moment, in between walking through another sea of flesh and bone and gangly limbs and dithering hearts and the very instance she ogles a man distinguished by nothing more than his ordinariness. immediately she sets him apart. and as they exchange an emotionless grimace, a signal to say that they acknowledge each other's presence as strangers do, she is already lost in twenty years later and a potential future.


free from the restrictions of truth; she summons names, addresses, ex-girlfriends, the condition of his bedroom, what alcohol he consumes, what car he drives and most importantly what he thinks of her. if he thinks of her (of course he doesn't seeing as they only saw each other three minutes ago and it's far too farfetched to think that things are already mutual).


she dismisses her juvenile games and pathetically continues to exist, miserable by the very wretched thought that she knows nothing and most likely will know nothing about a stranger she neither met nor conversed with. she turns into her coffee shop and orders nothing out of the mediocre. as she waits, he enters quietly chirping on the other end of a phone. she suddenly pauses. heart explodes. nauseating feeling emerges. she attempts to unpeel her stare but she cannot believe it. is it coincidence? is it some sappy movie she has subconsciously produced in her mind? is it serendipity? (of course she knows that this is a popular cafe and that it is nothing special to share an affinity for the same coffee beans. but that conclusion is boring and depressing).


as her coffee arrives, she is grateful yet frustrated. should she let another moment pass due to her passivity? he notices her presence and this time smiles. she reciprocates. she forgets the banality of the moment. she forgets the distinct line from strangers and liking strangers. as she walks away, defeated by her shyness, he asks if they have met before. her familiarity intrigues him. internally she is in chaos, externally she remains calm. feigning her pleasure by the pursing of her lips and beverage at hand. she says they have not. exchange of names, universities, brief introductions to life stories. things appear favourable.


and as they converse, on their way to a morning lecture. he finally deciphers a mutual thread. they are mutual. they are mutual through his girlfriend. and as they part, she secretly curses under her breath the concept of ever being mutual. 


fin. haha.

ps. i never knew such a song existed haha. its really sappy the song, but the video clip is not too bad. makes you wish you had one of those clock pendants haha. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXAGNzyUuAs

thought #50- 51 words to describe the past 51 entries

just because its such a momentous occassion... and just because i wasnt bothered recapping 51 thoughts in one evening haha.

51 words in relation to the past 51 entries

2010 has been terrifically messy, confusing, challenging yet splendid. i have befriended new folk and missed the old companions. i miss the comfort and familiarity of 2009 but beyond expectant and prepared to rearrange life, fall in love, learn to be human, appreciate existence, embrace change, and regret nothing... just croire.

ps. thanks for today matty. you may have a severely terrible backhand at wii tennis but you're much amusement to observe :) oh and you owe me so bad, you know what i mean haha. 

pps. and thank you for looking for that non-existent battery with me carlo. 

thought #49- why there is no such thing as inbetween

"There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter claimed by Satan." C.S. Lewis


i love this quote, beyond the fact that i adore c.s. lewis and the brilliance and relevance of everything that has been recorded to have come out of his mouth. i adore the veracity within it. it is true, there is no such thing as neutral. i mean our world these days have become so passive and relative that we are easily swayed to believe that there is no right or wrong. or there is no absolute or positive way of doing things. what may be right for you, may not necessarily be correct for me but nevertheless does not eliminate the fact that its the truth. bullshit. there is nothing such as half-lies or partially corrects. so why do we live like we're always on the borderline?

i think its much more convenient to have one foot in and the other out when it comes to aspects of our life. its hard to be whole-hearted. i guess the risk of paining yourself or having a tragic outcome is far greater. i think its so much more easier to be half-arsed in life, but then again its not really living is it? so i guess the challenge is to live radically. to avoid lukewarm dealings, commci-commca attitudes, complacency and to exist one way or the other. so it's either i love you or i don't, i believe or i dismiss, i am or i'm not, i love or i don't, i fear or i'm brave, or i live or i'm dead.

the simplicity is terrifying isn't it? haha.

love,

ps. for when life feels like we can't distinguish one from the other. neutrality is a bitch haha.