you know that sickening feeling sandwiched between annoyance, pretence and patience? you know when you're trying so hard to pretend that you don't care when deep down you really do? i am currently experiencing it. i know its petty and paltry for me to even be affected, but i find that i am. it is this foolishness which i can't explain or tame that leads me to todays thought- feigning care.
im certain you've met people or experienced personal moments in life where you pretend you care when you don't. like when a friend gushes into excessive detail about their first sexual encounter or perhaps an acquaintance describes their brand new material lust. most of the time you smile politely, whilst agonising internally wishing that the conclusion will appear somewhere and soon. at the present moment of being enslaved into an encounter you do not desire, nothing seems amusing and that feeling of being so close (to walking away) yet so far is a mere fantasy.
then on the other hand, there a moments in which you pretend you don't care but deep inside you do. i believe this is far harder to control or display. like when someone you adore is gushing about how much he is crazy about another girl, or when you've failed an exam you know you studied your arse off. externally you shrug it off and smile politely but internally you are crumbling at the thought of another letdown (refer to thought #57). some people actually master this feigning. some people have learnt how to hide their feelings so well that their seclusion undermines any emotion. some people turn to ice at situations whilst others become oversensitive.
its a personality thing i guess. so what's better to pretend you care when you don't? or pretend you don't care when you do? actually, what's worse? sometimes i find myself asking this question, as i try to find normality in my life at this present moment. either way, someone ends up getting hurt and as a line from a song i wrote entitled my bestfriend's lover goes "and i have an inkling its me."
*sigh* haha nevertheless soldier on. there's no use in living life tragically. let your cares mean you do and let your apathy mean you don't. can we be simple, just this once?
love,
I hate pretending not to care. But sometimes I feel that it is necessary to avoid hurt. That is until you hide too much and it all rushes to the surface.
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