thought # 17- i don't want to be nocturnal anymore

i realised this when i awoke at almost 2pm today and suddenly came to the frightening reality that in one hour school would have concluded and i have skipped breakfast and also lunch and i feel like a bloated monstrous, lazy pile of mass. it was not a pleasant feeling. its not my intention to stay up ridiculously late every night but i do believe its my odd sleeping patterns and nanna napping that has contributed to my ridiculous amounts of snoozing. so i am now officially starting a regime which includes being in bed by midnight, waking up no later than 10am, exercising, detoxing and consuming at least three meals a day (reminder to self: coffee is not considered a meal). with work beginning again next week i can no longer afford the luxury of sleeping in anyway, which in itself is a blessing in disguise.

i have much to look forward to and plenty of busyness honing in on my little life during the end months of this year. i cannot believe its christmas so soon, i cannot believe its december already. where has 2009 gone? how scary yet splendid. this year has been certainly one of the best and all that has occurred has proven delight, romance, goodbyes and intense stress is all part of this lifetime. well i don't have much to blog on so apologies if thought 17 is boring... i am personally struggling from not resting my head against the keyboard of the laptop and entering into a british-french fuelled stupor in a puddle of my own saliva. oh this summer looks perspiringly delightful! i am looking forward to participating in money-making (aka work), frolicking with my handsome friends, resting underneath an umbrella on the beach, being lavished with presents at christmastime haha, visiting a drive- in movie in pajamas and armed with popcorn, playdates with new friends, old companions and of course getting lost (literally and figuratively) with my favourite boy.

love

 p.s. summer objective: being young and restless. what i intend to do in the near future.
p.p.s. in case you're bored haha  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvZtSIWUwP4 

thought # 16- j'ai ennuyé

translated into english: "i'm bored." 

forgive me if i'm incorrect in formulating the sentence but i'm a french wannabe remember? who recently discovered her oxford french mini dictionary for year seven french class with good old mrs macdonald (mach-doh-naaaald). oh the memories of early high school and reading from those infamous taped stories, singing that abominable song which somehow managed to include e-bay courtesy of joshua baissari's translations, and our routine greeting of:

mrs m (in her pompous but refined french accent): bonjour la class!
class (in a half arsed french accent, often accompanied with laughter and groans): bonjour madame macdonald...
mrs m: ca va?
class: tres bien merci, ca va?
mrs m: tres bien, si asseoir vous


haha the only reason i really remember this, is because of the first lesson we ever had in which began speaking to us as if we had the faint idea of how to speak or understand french. it was moreso amusing that she got annoyed at us after failing to respond to her "bonjour la class!" haha but i must give her credit. she wasn't a horrible teacher.

well since finally retrieving this delicate paraphernalia and reminiscing about all that this handy dictionary embodied, i suddenly desired to learn how to speak, in all seriousness and reality. i have even resorted in calling my parents mére and pére which i must say is quite fun. i want to learn french. i want to, even if it is only through their delicate amazing language, feel like a beautiful french woman which i personally envy. so as far as european affiliations go, i am in love with british boys and accents and adore the fine french felines (Julia Restoin Roitfield, Lou Dillion, Andrea Tatou, Coco Chanel etc. ) and the language. one day i shall visit the dirty paris streets and the cold londonside and become captive and romantic of places i only croire and pray to God Almighty that i shall see. 

amour

p.s. picture taken for the november issue of french vogue.
pps. sorry if you think it's lewd, but it personally captures the essence of everything french. the borderline porn/sex appeal, romance, naughtiness, and unrealistically handsome and stick thin models. so  very french haha.

thought # 15- hoola hooping is not dead

just ask my parents. they are convinced after reading an article regarding this woman who (with the contribution of a healthy diet, other forms of exercise and inhumane amounts of self-control) dropped 3-4 dress sizes by hoola hooping everyday. so after this inspiring article, they bought a hoola hoop at crazy petes and have now added to their regime of walking together everyday by hoola hooping.

as a mere spectator and encourager (this title is questionable) i must say that their practise of the art of maintaining a circular ring across your hips for as long as you can is hilarious. it is so entertaining, watching as my parents in all their adorableness, jiggle their way through lovehandles and watch as they perspire in an attempt to keep this single hoop around their body. its like watching the olympics. you feel the pressure and the dissapointment each time the hoop hits the ground, you sense the unspoken competition between the two and most of all you witness the moments of glory as they break their previous personal bests and congratulate through laughter as they rub their bruised knees and sore backs. it really is a sport.

im still trying to convince them to buy another and go tandem hoola hooping, but they don't believe they're at that stage yet. all this twisting and twirling and exercise makes me wish that i had actually learnt how to hoola hoop in my younger years. but being the lazy resident of our humble abode, i prefer watching and exploding with laughter at witnessing my parents exercise regimes. however i have a good feeling that it will no longer be funny when they eventually drop a few dress sizes and look amazing, having mastered the art of hoola hooping. whilst i remain uneducated and far from being in shape haha.

love

N.B. i can't find the camera but as soon as i do i shall post a picture of the infamous hoola hoop.
p.s. if my parents end up reading this, im sorry for revealing your personal exclusive exercise regime. you're still pretty cool.

thought # 14- i have a conviction

its not everyday that i pay attention to thorns at my sides (no matter how gapingly open they appear to be). lately i've realised how self-centred i've been. i mean just observe my last thirteen entries. most, if not all are encompassing my whims, why i hate my legs, why i think aaron johnson and ruby rose are gorgeous, what i look forward to in the near future and other irrelevant and frivolous detail. though i enjoy every minute of wallowing and contemplating in details of my life i guess i haven't even spent one entry on the most important thing that really matters. believe it or not it's JESUS.

i think it would be easier to be postmodernist, atheist, humanist and rely upon human might and the natural forces of our being to dictate our morals, absolute power, the existence of heaven, hell or the nothingness in between. i think it would be much easier to agree that truth is relative and what is my cup of earl grey may not necessarily be yours hence we should just accept the fact that we are both correct. i think it would even be easier to go on a thrilling theological debate regarding philosophies and other theories only our human minds can comprehend to an extent before we return to the daunting question of "so is there a God?"

but im not smart. i would lose a literary, philosophical debate because i only have evidence on the basis of faithfulness and goodness over my own life and the life of others. yes i am a witness and a receiver but that is not satisfying for theorists who layer their lives on "half-truths" and "partially corrects." so i thought it apt to at least dedicate one entry (before i return to a tangent and yak about my trivial life) on why life is not complete without Jesus.

so i don't like the term religion, or being phrased "oh you're religious." because frankly religion is a man made way of trying to box Jesus in. not cool. yes you may have heard it plenty of times but it is true. relationship. its not enough to recognise the word, the name, the wonder if you don't even have the guts to thank him for your big mac before consuming it. im not being sacrilegious or condemning because its a personal struggle i deal with daily. sometimes i screw it up, actually i screw it up a lot. sometimes i end the day on a happy note, others on a horrible one. but the difference is that i still manage to wake up every morning and try again. try to love the way he first loved us.

so it may be harder to believe in Jesus, even harder to love him but its the hardest not to do so. i hope one day people realise that its not about being cool, its not about being in a cool church, its not about being anything more than what would make Jesus proud.

love

p.s. into the palpitating organ of jesus and the church.

thought # 13- i tend to scare the boys away

this is actually a title from a song i composed circa 2006. embarrassing i know. i don't think i will ever publish this piece of musical tantrum because frankly it makes me sound like a sadistic, desperate woman (not that i already do sound like one haha). anyway so i stayed awake until 3ish in the early morn wasting precious slumber time by flicking through and re- reading eleven notebads/books/diaries dated from as early as 2004 to early 2009 regarding my eventful, pathetic, tragic and glorious love life. i must comment that i was thoroughly intrigued by my own thought processes and moreso relieved that i have matured when it comes to dealing with broken hearts, frustrated one-sided affections, the other girl and the monstrous idea of being "just friends." it felt like another stab at nostalgia, as i reminded myself of who i was infatuated with at certain times...  true it was enough to make me cringe and think to myself "i actually said/wrote/thought/felt that?!" but nevertheless reading such past entries truly gave me a bout of nausea and pleasantness,  similarly to when you have downed ridiculous amounts of alcohol and feeling invincible for the first ten minutes then suddenly contracting that feeling of wanting to regurgitate your internal organs out onto the toilet bowl. (sorry gross analogy again!).

so i was happy to read what i had thought and felt during those past years but it also felt like a punch in the gut or a slap in the face. to realise how pathetic i had been and moreso disappointed in myself to think that i was foolish in believing some of these crushes were beyond the fantasy world of my hopeless romantic self. it was sad to think that nothing ever became of all my dramatic entries and squeals of adoration scribbled onto paper. but believe me i really am over it. i have nothing to complain about romantic wise, being in a brilliant "its complicated HAHA" relationship with an amazing guy who supersedes all past male affiliations (sorry that's as sappy as i can go). but it of course makes you think, as you read each entry and laugh at how idiotic you sound.

but oh well, i was young and idealistic. these days im more practical and reasonable in my quest for the "perfect man" or "prince" as my thirteen year old whims used to title it haha. there is no real lesson to be learnt or moral to be discovered by this. another random thought exposing another layer of myself. fall in love i say, document each time he makes you feel like you want to throw up because he's just adorable, comment on every time you want to compensate a horrible date, another arguement, an eventual break up with ice cream, tissues and a best friend. laugh out loud at the list you have conjured entitled "25 reasons why i like..." remark on how pathetic you are because you can't get over him even after attempting to brainwash yourself with unrealistic chick flicks and gorgeous men who you will most likely never meet in your lifetime then read over them in a few years. then you'll understand that euphoric nausea i'm talking about haha.

love

p.s. love- the beater, you- person in the bowl, your lover- bowl haha. (courtesy of danise and http://otarie.tumblr.com)

thought # 12- if i was a lesbian

i would froth over ruby rose, heck the fact is i'm straight and already do. i had a dream about her last night, hence the inspiration for this stalker-like fan dedication regarding this beautiful woman. the dream involved myself attempting to sing a song for ruby on the occassion of her birthday party, however, pamela anderson was in the way and constantly trying to hog the mic (i believe she was drunk). it was comical but i think i was in awe of ruby to even care.  i must say i woke up a happy woman. there is really something about that girl. perhaps its the way she conveys a carefree, sophisticated, sultry, trendy yet unconventional aura. beyond the fact that she is gorgeous physically and i love every inch of her including her tattooed sleeve and bleached pixie which most people would look shit and try- hard, she exudes a ferocity and is comical and witty- traits girls would love to adopt and men wish that more women had haha (i am just being honest, i dont think i even make the cut). nevertheless one day i wish to meet her in person, and explode internally and attempt to hold my tounge and not gush out at how amazing she is haha.

onto another point, today was a scorcher, which i personally found appealing since yesterday's weather wanted you to pop 79257 pills and lie in your bed whilst awaiting for the side effects to corrode your body (haha im kidding, just being dramatic). i must say i engaged in productive activity, cleaning my room and sorting through the piles of ancient paraphernalia, report cards, love letters etc. tomorrow i am excited to be celebrating one of my dear friends and sister's of bonds stronger than blood birthday for dinner. it has been awhile so i am beyond excited. well before my face explodes and my limbs turn into a roasted dinner (because my room is the hottest in summer, coldest in winter, loudest all year round GRR!) i shall be off.

love

p.s. i'd like to try that someday (thanks danise).

thought # 11- nostalgia

today my primary school best friend, who i have not personally seen in over two years, came over for a girls day in. it really was eventful and splendid, gorging and catching up on life, love and reminding ourselves at how pathetically lame we were in the glory days of primary education. it made me realise how much i truly missed her but im glad feelings of awkwardness are absent even after many years have seperated us. the day was spent chattering about the drunken fiascos and hookups at schoolies, boyfriends and commitment, the past, future and university, then watched bride wars (which only compelled us to get married and plan the perfect wedding... but knowing me that won't be for another eight years minimum haha), experimented on our locks and grimaces with make-up and ate like heffers. it was delightful, despite the tragic, depressing weather.

i guess chances such as these make you realise the value of childhood friends and reminds you of how time passes in this world. it really is insane. but we should really cherish friends such as the ones that knew you from the time picking your nose wasn't offensive, shared in your delight when $2 could allow you to purchase the entire canteen, agreed that year 12 kids were the next thing to parents and God Almighty, cheered you up when the boy you like held hands with another, fought over things like non-existent pokemon and loved you regardless of your crappy haircut and lovehandles.

really, i do encourage you to catch up with them. give them a call, send them a comment on facebook, write them a letter. i think i shall aim to meet up with all my beloved old friends before we continue to say "ill do it tomorrow" and find ourselves living in twenty years later.

love

p.s. edwina kwong and i. we still think we're cool haha.

thought # 10- i want to write again

i came to this conclusion after attempting to clean my desktop on the mac this morning and discovered a section of my extension 2 major work which i never ended up including in the actual story. for my fellow extension 2 friends you may remember my original intention of including a third objective voice in the story but i scraped it soon after. i re read the piece which brought feelings of both nostalgia and inspiration to write once more. i guess just for fun and with plenty of time on my hands i can no longer complain about busyness... the concept is no longer valid during this three month bludge haha. i thought i would share the extract with you all. for context's sake, this chaos theory styled excerpt basically shows how the main protagonist (insane, middle aged caucasian male) is connected to his ex wife (who has become a lesbian and who he still love but loathes for leaving him) whether he is conscious of their correlation or not. its not brilliant but it reminded me of why i adore to write. it really is written regurgitation.

A middle aged Caucasian male, on his way to a bed store, walks unaccompanied but acts as if he is not.  Due to his distracted state, he bumps into a short grey-haired Asian woman who seizes the culprit with her furrowed eyebrows and murmurs something under her breath in her native tongue before proceeding to walk. This short grey-haired Asian woman stops to look at the fruits being sold by a dark- haired, pale-faced (suspiciously ill ) local fruit vendor. This fruit vendor is not particularly in the mood to strike a conversation and so remains silent, bored and pensive whilst chewing fresh tobacco leaves and sipping unpleasant watered- down coffee. The fruit vendor purchased this coffee earlier in the morning at a 24-hour fast food chain. It was in this chain that the fruit vendor participated in a bitter and rather vexing exchange of words by an impatient young fresh- from- university graduate running late for an important job interview. This famished graduate is running late due to a traffic jam strewn across and obstructing all main highways into the city. This inconvenient traffic jam is the result of another impatient driver who has attempted to beat the nimble red light and has collided with the adjacent vehicles, initiating an infelicitous and unwanted game of dominoes. This impatient driver happens to have actually been on the phone to a man trying to deliver her new king size wooden bed and mattress in chestnut brown. Whilst deliberating the best time for them both, the impatient driver briefly looses focus and thinks that the light has just turned ember. This deliveryman, who has just concluded a baffling delivery confirmation, is walking out of the store to his truck near- by passing a lady walking adamantly in the direction of the outlet. This lady is startled by the stentorian complaints out of car windows and deafening beeps from horns, wondering to herself, what possibly could have started such heavy congestion. 

explanation:

This shows a comical chaos theory style connection that the man and his ex wife have. It is through the normal everyday moments of life that bring familiarity between them. Shows that they truly belong whether they are conscious of it or not, whether they are physically together or not. A break from the two completely subjective and emotional “stories”/ voices of the two. The third voice is almost a comic relief… an objective voice that shows that their belonging is beyond feelings and love… they belong simply because.

love

p.s. another treasure from danise's tumblr haha.

thought # 9- i miss being white

compared to the rest of my schoolies companions who returned with glorious shades of brown and slight burns, i truly benefited from hiding underneath an umbrella from each beach session that occurred. still. i'm just being slightly grouser about my pigment. especially in the shower, i groan at the mottled brown limbs that have emerged and my pimply face which has resulted from extreme heat (this is an overeactive superficial muse).

nevertheless, schoolies week has been and as i have mentioned in a facebook status the most deranged, sickening, splendid, interesting, amazing week ever! excessive amounts of synonyms cannot truly capture the essence of living with a herd of hormonal, independent, almost always intoxicated and liberated youth. truly it was an experience of many "firsts" and "unexpectedness." i cannot believe how quickly time has eradicated our stay; with our late nights playing twister under the influence, early mornings with headaches and the sun piercing our eyes like forks and knives to impentrable steak, cooking and cleaning like adults, and lazing around in the company of cute strangers and splendid friends at the beach. 


so much has truly occurred. would i ever do it again? hell yes! of course there were some nights which i fear to ever repeat such as monday night where one moment i was screaming verbal orgasms (i know this sounds superbly suss but believe me there were no loses of virginity in the process), then i downed some tequila (combined with other assorted beverages) and next i found the toilet lid had become a pillow and below was that butt burning spicy thai i had for dinner (many thanks to samantha for cleaning [and consoling] my vomit and connor who tied my hair back whilst i vomited haha). i woke up feeling horrible but regretting nothing haha oh dear.


but then there were lovely days and nights such as staying up till 4am with new found friends (thanks kate :P),  fingal bay beach, discovering cheap cds and a pretty bag at the markets, gorging on baskin and robbins and fresh hot chips authentically wrapped with paper and love, and watching adventureland (i personally adored the film). i believe the cooking process was also quite enjoyable and playing families was frustrating yet valuable. all in all there were moments of joy, tiredness, iritation but joy. i believe everyone who participated would concur that the week was splendid and a repeat would be adored by all.


so i guess i am relieved and saddened by the end of our schoolies fun. however, each day is a precious memory from unexpected "friendliness," waking up spooning your good guy friends, after- dinner drinks in the heat of the australian spring, listening to empire state of mind on repeat in your best friends car, numerous photos and videos and being reminded of just how splendid your high school mates really are is truly priceless. i love you all, really. beyond the sentimentality haha.



p.s. the view of salamander bay from the balcony of our house. oh how i miss schoolies already!

thought # 8- i want to like animals

i really do. i think back to all the numerous occasions when i have fled from canines who make sweet love to your leg or look like they could maul you in a few seconds, or flinch at harmless rabbits and other creatures. and now i really want to push past my trauma and personality disorder to accept and love animals. i know im naturally not an animal lover since i never grew up in the presence of a best friend dog or a lazy feline. but i guess this random thought really challenges me now to think otherwise.

i don't think i could ever live in a zoo or own thousands of assorted creatures but i am trying my best to not cringe at the sight of an animal who is licking their lips at the sight of my limbs haha (a sort of declaration, i guess). well its 10:40am (the first time to wake before 12:30 since the abolition of school) and i'm skyping with my dear friend kuan before he is to leave for malaysia... i really am sad to see him go. but on the other hand, there is schoolies to think about tomorrow and a week long adventure to explore. i am beyond excited at the endless euphoria we shall experience lazing around at the beach, cooking and making mess together, talking until the late hours of the morning about life and no doubt drinking the same amount.

it will be sad though to know that this may possibly be the last until another few years before the group is to reunite and this time we shall be young adults with possible mortgages, spouses, careers and children at our hips. so i believe this will be a time to celebrate youthfulness and life beyond the hsc. now all we have to do is wait for the results. my goodness i am so nervous, i almost do not want to receive any marks back. but my apprehension is extinguished by the truth that He has it all within the palm of his hand. so i shall pray and believe that the system hasn't screwed me over or further i havent screwed my future over and shall be given a chance at the uni life i  have so pathetically mused about since the beginning of time.

well i shall be off, a nanna nap calls and i shall see you all in a week.
love

p.s. why i want to love animals. thanks again danise, you really do beautify my entries (http://otarie.tumblr.com)

thought # 7- if i befriended a murderer

apart from the fact that i may not survive to see tomorrow, i would ask them why they would choose such a profession...  such a label. i am not one to judge and will never despite how horrid the crime may be but you can't help wonder what possesses a man to cut throats and dismember bodies as if they were cows in an abattoir. human evil is such an intricate, scary thing. mainly because it is within our fallen nature and we ultimately have some running through our veins. but then again, i would never chop someone's head or point a shotgun at someone's face. because no matter how many times a murderer will say that this life is a bastard and this world is out to get them, i am only reminded of who i am accountable to at the end of the day and who's presence i will be before when judgement day comes.

perhaps im odd but i really do pity murderers who have lived a lonely life, whose upbringings and experiences compel them to discard the value of human life. reading in cold blood (as i mentioned in a previous thought) made me somehow wish if only the murderers were brought up with love, with a revelation of who they really are beyond the carnalities and horrors of their own lives. if only they knew it wasn't too late before they walked up to the planks and were hung on that fateful day of 1965 (i personally don't approve of capital punishment and see that it isn't our role to decide upon life and death). perhaps its me but even the most cruel, sadistic being is not beyond the ability to find hope and affinity. i was looking at photos of perry smith and dick hickock and when you analyse their grimaces you can see a veneer of pride that is only present to mask how hurt and lost they really are.

so if i ever befriended a murderer perhaps i would come to cherish the precious gift of human life and without any fingers being pointed or claims on whose to blame, i am in utter respect for people who can forgive their loved one's killers (like the virk family) and i actually sympathise with murderers... no i don't condone what they do and i don't see it right in any way, but if jesus could love and forgive wretches like me and other murderers, adulterers, frauds etc. who are we to not? 


love

 

p.s. photos of perry smith and truman capote (top) and dick hickock (bottom) the murderers of the clutter family in 1959. there is something so beautiful about these photos, you almost forget they're murderers and remind yourself they're first human beings.

thought # 6- i think i just gained five kilos

really, i think i just gained another stomach and a half at the thought of finally having concluded my hsc. its the most relieving feeling in the universe. like that emotion you get after consuming a gallon of your favourite ice cream and despite the knowledge that you're about regurgitate or explode you're just too happy to really care. or when you know that person you like is totally into you without any need for speech. or after you've relieved yourself from a long road trip when you thought you were about to shit all over your brother in the car (haha sorry, graphic and gross). what i really was intending to capture from all these similes is that i have that feeling of utter relief and happiness. now i can sleep tonight knowing that i don't have to know the difference between observations and action research, nor do i ever have to apply a log function or know what year pericles died. thank you jesus. 

so now there is a world to conquer and so much time to spare. this freedom is almost making me giddy to be honest but i am glad. speaking of jesus i had the most amazing encounter last night. i was praying about society and asking for confidence and any apprehensions to be dispelled and this verse continually came into mind "philippians 4:6" to be honest i couldn't recall what the actual verse was so i scavanged for my bible among the load of papers and clothing in my pig sty of a bedroom and finally found it. and it was "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." and i thought oh my goodness, you are good! haha i knew the verse but it came at such a perfect time and it felt all fear was blanketed over his amazing promise. i don't believe it was coincidental but i know that i slept well that night haha.

thats all i wanted to really share haha. enjoy the day friends!
love




p.s. so i tweeted this to my friend jem the other day and i believe it captures the essence of what im feeling right now haha.

thought # 5- i miss dead people

as i woke up today, i was reminded about a family friend who had passed away a few months ago this year  and though i did not weep inconsolably and wet my bedding, i was honestly sentimental about it. i suddenly missed the small, petty things that completed who she was like the way she chuckled and showered you with kisses upon your check, her little scuttle across our old church kitchen room, things that you don't consider as important when they are still alive. but somehow when they're dead those trivialities are somewhat immortalised in memory.

i experienced the same feeling whilst watching movies, like that latest heath ledger movie... the imaginarium (i won't even try to finish this title) and stand by me starring the adorably tough river pheonix. it dawns upon you how amazing they are and suddenly they're gone. no longer existing on this earth like the rest of us. then of course there is mj and other people who have departed this year.

oh and i think immersing myself in in cold blood by truman capote has created the same effect. i can't get over the clutter family massacre and how the murderers had no real motivation but rob human life... mindblowing.

which takes me to the essence of today's thought. how quick and ephemeral life is. how one moment you're sitting typing away a blog about how eccentric your brain can be to lying in a corpse with that half-smile and morgue maked- up face in a pretty dress that doesn't belong to you (sorry im not being offensive or morbid... im just emphasising the nimbleness of time haha). i think we often take that for granted and place much pressure of a world that will not exist when a new heaven and earth is made. live life beyond your own selfishness, i say. enjoy everything this world can offer but be mindful of the next and make this life one that counts (im still personally trying to learn this all) :)
 
so, perhaps its me but you really do miss dead people.

love

p.s. thanks danise, i love your site.

thought # 4- self advertising and smiling

self advertising is overrated and despicable. well then call me overrated and despicable because i'm about to promote myself, in the most humble way possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0moC6EixZA 
please watch and enjoy friends!

http://www.twitter.com/AbigailAnnCruz

on a less egotistical note, i received a lovely message from my favourite boy which made me smile. and i spent last night learning how to skype with kuan which also made me smile. i think the days are getting so much more brighter now that the suffocating cloud of the hsc is finally evaporating- one left on wednesday! then there is so much more to look forward to- schoolies, work, a three month bludge, christmas shopping, life in general. how grand. i am in a particularly pleasant mood as i write so i really have nothing morbid to add except that things are euphoric and despite having to push on through horrible study (that i am intending to bludgeon), i am hopeful and optimistic about life ahead and finally being a university student and enjoying youthfulness in its horrible yet splendid totality.

short and sweet this evening friends but hopefully you feel the same way too. happiness is relative but joy is internal and perpetual if your source of strength is founded upon the Creator. i feel like laughing at myself, i think i will. 


love

p.s. i found this on a tumblr page, i must thank that site it has so many inspiring, beautiful and scary photos that make me smile.

thought # 3- why i love androgony

dear boyfee,

i know this may sound like a love letter rather than a blog, but i see this apt and believe you do too. it has been 13 incredible years and at your request i would like to remind you by my new penchant- listing.

11 reasons why i adore eleanor clark.

1. she's my boyfriend (personal joke folks)- the only one i know who will never leave, bicker and annoy me and is very tolerant to third parties within our relationship.
2. she's splendid company- from shopping trips, perving on men in suits at the city and coffee playdates, she listens, shares and is obviously a very beautiful piece of arm candy.
3. we're both nerds in our own ways- her obvious ocd for things rhyming with bent, dickhead (i wasnt meaning to be offensive... what possibly rhymes with wicked?) and bamtam, only shows unhealthy dedication.
4. we did and are still doing life together- especially these last two years of high school. it has been amazing getting to know her many boy dilemmas and advocacy for pathetic sappiness haha.
5. she laughs at me- in a non-malicious manner (though sometimes she may secretly do so but i forgive her) and seems to understand my horrible sense of humour.
6. she makes me laugh- purloin is not a steak, remember? 
7. she's lame- it's forgivable seeing as i am too.
8. she trusts me- with so much, even i question her. 
9. she likes me- genuinely. this can be questionnable but we haven't had any misunderstandings yet so i'd like to retain this assumption.
10. she likes asian food- meaning she's not racist or white supremist. she embraces asians and in return we asians embrace her with our delectable cuisine.
11. she's real- in all seriousness (not that i wasnt serious about the ten other points haha), she is the most raw, wholehearted individual you will meet. her humility and transparency is astounding and she is an incredible blessing to my life.

haha there you go, you owe me one clark.

love

p.s. remember this evening, when we went to the leichardt forum and decided we wanted to live here... but then the airplanes became a problem? haha

thought # 2- i am inspired by...

due to my lack of inspiration, i thought i would summon brilliance from the things that fortify me the most. this may be totally irrelevant to you but i challenge you to try some from the list and watch creativity ooze out of your brain like brad pitt getting shot in the head in that closet by george clooney in burn after reading (great movie, gross analogy sorry haha).

the 20 part inspiration list 

1. the Creator, the origin and source of all things creative and living. 
2. www.hel-looks.com and www.lookbook.nu. i could honestly spend sleepless days on these sites, oh street fashion God bless you.
3. modern novels. from truman capote, virginia woolf to vladmir nabakov... there is honestly something inspiring about depression, pedophiles, lesbians, insanity and milk (i.e. a clockwork orange).
4. foreign/abstract/hayao miyazaki films. because they actually make you think.
5. photographs. from bloodied bedsheets, animal heads on a beautiful girl, a brilliant sky or lovers fighting and flying kites on a summer afternoon, they capture everything it means to be human.
6. ugly, understated and unconventional things. the inspiration comes in finding the beauty of such objects/people. 
7. music. all you need is a pen, paper and someone as captivating as eva cassidy or bjork to compel you into a trance.
8. ikea. because if its furniture doesn't already get you excited, recollections of coming to this place and being buried alive in those ball-filled play rooms will. 
9. strangers. they may either end up as dicks or great people, like relationships really. 
10. cute awkward boys (personally there is one in particular).
11. ghosts. friendly ones like casper at least. 
12. my grandparents they remind me that aging isn't all that bad.
13. androgyny don't you love blurring the lines of he or she or shim?
14. morbidity i personally hate watching gore but horror stories told are precious jewels.
15. insomnia sometimes the best things written, made or said come from a state of frustrated, half- awake, abusive emotions.
16. beautiful jewellery because they either tell a family story, or remind you of queens and kings of ancient cultures and epochs... who most likely ended their lives hung, decapitated or something so very tragic.
17. triviality the little details are what spur big dreams and creativity.
18. the eastern suburbs of sydney it must be the aura, the poshy swank urban territory of the wealthy but look like they borrowed clothes off a hobo down the street. the markets, boutiques and culture infusion is sickeningly splendid.
19. fringes of every shape and form, i plan to write a tale one day beginning with a fringe. 
20. blogs other people's thoughts, inspirations and methods of handling life 

love 

p.s.  this photograph inspired me to write this today, many thanks to whoever posted this.

thought #1- i'm not romantic, just tragic.

at the risk of sounding like a deranged, prepubescent, ocd girl, i must say i have an unhealthy affinity for aaron johnson. i watched angus, thongs and perfect snogging today (again) and i must say i love and loathe with a passion films such as these. beyond the fact that they never really do occur in reality, the happy ending is splendid but slightly quixotic. thus i came to this horrible but realistic conclusion... i may never find mr right, but i can always avoid mr wrong.

i know this is slightly insulting for older 20-30 something year olds, who have been through the dating game, been through the serious relationships and for someone of the tender age of 17 who has never bedded anyone, really weeped over a life-changing horrible rejection or relationship to say this, well may be a slap in one's face. but let me assure you i am not being egotistic or guru-like. from my fair share of "i think we should just be friends," jerks, players and numerous forms of male. i sympathise with every woman and even man who has gone through such experiences. i would merely like to remind everyone (myself included) that everyone has a choice and we should always be wise about giving ourselves away literally and metaphorically.

this doesnt mean i am anti-relationship and destined to age lonely, drunk and tending to my 987598900 cats. i just mean that sometimes getting caught up with the quest for unrealistic mr right can make one lose sight of meeting your mr right... am i making sense? probably not. it is 12:43am, so forgive the babble. but i should conclude here. i do hope that by steering away from this deluded fantasy that you will actually find that the boy sitting opposite you at the coffee shop; with a black tea (you're a green tea kind of girl), a book you hate, an uneven haircut, a cute but not quite aaron johnson face may actually mean something to you after all.

love

p.s. this blog was not a sad excuse to rant about aaron johnson, but it was to post a picture and froth over  him.

genesis

to be honest, i am laughing whilst writing this. i cannot help but feel that i have once again caved into the cyber world of sharing irrelevant details of my life without a clue of who will consider it as having some worth. i believe i have grown a penchant for writing blogs, i began long ago in 2005, at the tender age of 13... believing that my ranting would or could possibly encourage/impact/verbally abuse strangers and friends. and so i enter another beginning, the start of many starts which i have started... but seemed to never conclude.

i only have one aim for this blog, i wish to see it finished. when? how? i am yet to decide; i would merely like the satisfaction of knowing i have amused, touched or even imparted life someway or another through this. not for my own glory but for a king greater than my own measly boob-lacking, freckle-faced, crooked- teeth, laughter-ridden asian self. 

love

p.s. croire is french for believe/thought, in case you were curious. and for the french who read this and think to themselves "she's such a french wannabe" let me tell you, i am. 

p.p.s. this is not meant to offend the french, i love your language.