thought #100- this is love

it's never always easy, it's never always straightforward, it's never always a fairy tale mutuality and waking up with animals at your bedside chirping in your ear their good mornings, it's never always simple, it's never always figured out, it's never always "this heart comes with instructions," it's never always bliss, it's never always in accordance to plan, it's never always encouraging, it's never always painless, it's never always safe, it's never always familiar, it's never always certain, it's never always trustworthy, it's never always what we always thought it would be.

but the beauty, veracity, life lies in the very notion of waking up each morning to a person you don't always feel like loving yet choose to stay for you know love is not the emotion attached to the person but the human itself. or when one or both of you become offended or hurt by each other yet have the selflessness and humility to learn from such a bruise. or when rebuke is repaid with rebellion only to realise you made the mistake and have the courage to apologise. or when you're frightened to confront or stand for what you believe in or have the guts to walk out of a relationship that is detrimental, but do so anyway with not blind confidence but faith or when history began through a sacrifice and the blood of a Saviour who, out of the abundance of his heart, breathed not religion but life into the world.

this is love.

love,

p.s. this photo made me chuckle.

p.p.s. triple digits woo. 

p.p.p.s. notice the absence of sappy shit commonly associated to love. sorry but you may have mistaken them for lust or hormones? 

thought# 80- an over-caffeinated thought

note to self: never drink substantial amounts of coffee as a substitute for dinner at an irregular hour of the day with the assumption that you will gain any sleep. i have a brilliant headache as we speak and from the annoying throbs of my brain i have a thought.

"I always knew, in the deepest crevasses beyond my gut, that we always belonged. Even when I didn’t believe it to be so, and even when you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I always knew. And it was in that instance, when you had also realised that you had always known, birthed the vast difference between always knowing we belonged and we belonged because we always knew." 

i take no offence if you do not comprehend. neither do i. its a ramble based on something or someone that appears in your mind at ungodly hours such as 2:45am. i'll leave you to muse haha. i am so thankful for the long easter weekend! may you all have a blessed time as we commemorate not the easter bunny or the goodness of chocolate that we gorge upon annually, but the real non-commercialised meaning. perfect sacrifice that lead to salvation and life. sometimes we've forgotten how jaw dropping that fact is. i think its time to really reflect on that (myself included). all the shit that dwindles in our lives are in no comparison to what we would expect without the power of the cross and sacrifice that jesus made to take our place. my goodness, it still makes me churn inside.

love and happy easter lovelies! 

thought #56- you're a beautiful letdown

being carnal, human and broken life is inevitably peppered with disappointment. some disappointments are trivial and petty similarly to the way matthew moore breaks his promises again and again yet somehow makes it up to me by a singular apology and entertaining text message (plus you put up with my mean and incessant annoying haha). some disappointments are life altering, encounters, moments and people which dictate or sway the course you will take, the prospects of your tomorrow, the conscious and deliberate decision to arise each morning. some disappointments are learning blocks, similarly to failures and mistakes whilst others are indelible scars that take patience and faith to heal.

regardless of what sort of disappointment we must face there is only really one question and solution that distinctly creates a barrier between humanity. to hope and overcome? or being engulfed and in despair? it is easy to fall back into apathy and complacency and begin to exist without any intention of living. it is easy to also say that i will choose hope when life is dandy and euphoric but not so effortless when you are at the very crook of the valley.

sadly there is no five step guide on how to deal with disappointment. there is no easy solution or equation but we must remember that it is part of life. there will be a tomorrow, there is hope, there is always an opportunity to rise and another day to conquer. some people may laugh at this crudely and remark that i am idealistically bullshitting. that is fair enough. but i truly believe disappointment is not what is to define our life, but the way we dealt with it. it is not foolish to trust and hope and have faith. it it takes all these things in order to overcome a letdown. ultimately there is a reason why we can face difficulties, a reason which leads us to realise we are so much bigger then ourselves and our disappointments are only specks in the totality of existence. that reason why abides in you and i.

love,

ps. follow the up arrow, the sky is limitless after the tragedy :) thanks danise! 

thought # 34- merry christmas!

and happy birthday jesus! i'm going to keep this entry relatively short. actually that's an overstatement. tonight's entry will only be eight sentences long. so before i run out of space, due to my verbosity, let me greet you all a merry christmas and i do hope this festive, yuletide season was delightful in every way, shape and form. i hope the presents you subtly hinted many months ago became a reality, that you felt complete in the company of merry family and second cousins from usa who unexpectedly arrived for a short lived holiday and most of all were reminded of the greatest gift given to us thousands of years ago- jesus!

now i cannot wait for new years to arrive and i am so excited for 2010 and all the wonders and surprises it will bestow for all of us. now before i explode after gorging my little heart out today, i must say goodnight and once again wish everyone a beautiful and blessed CHRISTmas!

love

p.s. another self advertising spiel before i conclude... its the last one for 2009 :) enjoy my lovely regular supporters and new friends who randomly find it haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-0k8SBpf
oc 

thought #33- noche buena

is what they call christmas eve in the philippines (i think... haha correct me if im wrong) and this evening usually involves fantastic gorging in the company of family and kin, reminiscing, singing karaoke and waiting until the clock strikes midnight to repeat the routine over again. however i can't help feel that this festivity is slightly understated here in australia and silence, peace and the busyness of our regular lives have seemed to overridden the laid back, festive feelings synonymous with a traditional filipino christmas eve and day.

so i arrived home, after a tolerable but boring six hour shift at work, to consume my noche buena of spag bog then fruit salad and systematically rub my legs and feel the wave of tire overcome my entire anatomy. as i speak i am incredibly sleepy which is a nuisance since i was intending to stay awake until midnight and cheer on jesus for his birthday haha.

its funny though when i think about christmas eves and days in the past. although many were spent in the company of family in the forms of lunches, dinners and excessive holiday weight-gain, i can still recall christmas eve of 2006 when i was asked out on my drive way by a delightful young boy named kyle mercado. then i spent christmas day in the philippines (without my lovely parents) a year after. i miss little, petty yet significant things that suddenly become synonymous with your christmas season. it makes me nostalgic and laugh uncontrollably to think that years have truly passed and i still immediately think of shoo-ing of kyle away in the midst of a serenade haha. oh good times.

well i must be off, may you all have a splendid yuletide season. may it be a cherished time in the company of family and friends, may you recall the delightful and pathetic things you did when you were younger and create many more as this season repeats, may you be merry and find yourself drunk under the mistletoe HAHA but most of all may you give glory and gratitude to the one whose arrival, sacrifice and departure in this world caused a revelation and brought revelation to mankind.

love

p.s. christmas day 2007 - midnight at the serendra, philippines. one of the greatest holidays ever.

thought #32- it's beginning to look a lot like another consumerist christmas

haha im pathetic at puns. and apologies for not posting as part of my quotidian routine lately. work has appeared to suck the energy and time which was previously left for mooching and writing entries haha. so christmas is in two days, how crazy time has eradicated this year. soon it will be 2010 and my things to do for 2010 will soon appear (new year's resolutions are overrated but i succumb ever year haha).

it appears that once the christmas album is playing at work, two competitive houses have their christmas lights occupying 3/4 of the street's electricity, 349579457 santas are simultaneously taking pictures with frightened children and children at heart, tinsel, trees and miseltoes are being dusted and hung christmas has finally arrived. and all these things are good and jovial but just like easter becomes easter bunny day christmas is so easily trivialised into a family holiday and an excuse to gorge and splurge. i have no objection with fun on christmas because essentially it is a celebration.

its just a saddening reality that as hackeneyed as this statement is "jesus really is the reason for the season." this is the truth. if a saviour did not arrive humbly on this earth to bring hope, salvation and give the greatest intangible and tangible gift of adoration, this whole concept would not exist. so if this love incarnation is not really the message that is being said this christmas, stuff the overweight red and white man who breaks into our houses in the middle of the night and stuff the pretty lights and presents because santa didn't save us and our world must understand this.

nevertheless have an amazing festive christmas with the conscious understanding of love incarnation and a baby born thousands of years ago that saved us from ourselves.

love

p.s. the truth haha.

thought # 14- i have a conviction

its not everyday that i pay attention to thorns at my sides (no matter how gapingly open they appear to be). lately i've realised how self-centred i've been. i mean just observe my last thirteen entries. most, if not all are encompassing my whims, why i hate my legs, why i think aaron johnson and ruby rose are gorgeous, what i look forward to in the near future and other irrelevant and frivolous detail. though i enjoy every minute of wallowing and contemplating in details of my life i guess i haven't even spent one entry on the most important thing that really matters. believe it or not it's JESUS.

i think it would be easier to be postmodernist, atheist, humanist and rely upon human might and the natural forces of our being to dictate our morals, absolute power, the existence of heaven, hell or the nothingness in between. i think it would be much easier to agree that truth is relative and what is my cup of earl grey may not necessarily be yours hence we should just accept the fact that we are both correct. i think it would even be easier to go on a thrilling theological debate regarding philosophies and other theories only our human minds can comprehend to an extent before we return to the daunting question of "so is there a God?"

but im not smart. i would lose a literary, philosophical debate because i only have evidence on the basis of faithfulness and goodness over my own life and the life of others. yes i am a witness and a receiver but that is not satisfying for theorists who layer their lives on "half-truths" and "partially corrects." so i thought it apt to at least dedicate one entry (before i return to a tangent and yak about my trivial life) on why life is not complete without Jesus.

so i don't like the term religion, or being phrased "oh you're religious." because frankly religion is a man made way of trying to box Jesus in. not cool. yes you may have heard it plenty of times but it is true. relationship. its not enough to recognise the word, the name, the wonder if you don't even have the guts to thank him for your big mac before consuming it. im not being sacrilegious or condemning because its a personal struggle i deal with daily. sometimes i screw it up, actually i screw it up a lot. sometimes i end the day on a happy note, others on a horrible one. but the difference is that i still manage to wake up every morning and try again. try to love the way he first loved us.

so it may be harder to believe in Jesus, even harder to love him but its the hardest not to do so. i hope one day people realise that its not about being cool, its not about being in a cool church, its not about being anything more than what would make Jesus proud.

love

p.s. into the palpitating organ of jesus and the church.

thought # 7- if i befriended a murderer

apart from the fact that i may not survive to see tomorrow, i would ask them why they would choose such a profession...  such a label. i am not one to judge and will never despite how horrid the crime may be but you can't help wonder what possesses a man to cut throats and dismember bodies as if they were cows in an abattoir. human evil is such an intricate, scary thing. mainly because it is within our fallen nature and we ultimately have some running through our veins. but then again, i would never chop someone's head or point a shotgun at someone's face. because no matter how many times a murderer will say that this life is a bastard and this world is out to get them, i am only reminded of who i am accountable to at the end of the day and who's presence i will be before when judgement day comes.

perhaps im odd but i really do pity murderers who have lived a lonely life, whose upbringings and experiences compel them to discard the value of human life. reading in cold blood (as i mentioned in a previous thought) made me somehow wish if only the murderers were brought up with love, with a revelation of who they really are beyond the carnalities and horrors of their own lives. if only they knew it wasn't too late before they walked up to the planks and were hung on that fateful day of 1965 (i personally don't approve of capital punishment and see that it isn't our role to decide upon life and death). perhaps its me but even the most cruel, sadistic being is not beyond the ability to find hope and affinity. i was looking at photos of perry smith and dick hickock and when you analyse their grimaces you can see a veneer of pride that is only present to mask how hurt and lost they really are.

so if i ever befriended a murderer perhaps i would come to cherish the precious gift of human life and without any fingers being pointed or claims on whose to blame, i am in utter respect for people who can forgive their loved one's killers (like the virk family) and i actually sympathise with murderers... no i don't condone what they do and i don't see it right in any way, but if jesus could love and forgive wretches like me and other murderers, adulterers, frauds etc. who are we to not? 


love

 

p.s. photos of perry smith and truman capote (top) and dick hickock (bottom) the murderers of the clutter family in 1959. there is something so beautiful about these photos, you almost forget they're murderers and remind yourself they're first human beings.

thought # 6- i think i just gained five kilos

really, i think i just gained another stomach and a half at the thought of finally having concluded my hsc. its the most relieving feeling in the universe. like that emotion you get after consuming a gallon of your favourite ice cream and despite the knowledge that you're about regurgitate or explode you're just too happy to really care. or when you know that person you like is totally into you without any need for speech. or after you've relieved yourself from a long road trip when you thought you were about to shit all over your brother in the car (haha sorry, graphic and gross). what i really was intending to capture from all these similes is that i have that feeling of utter relief and happiness. now i can sleep tonight knowing that i don't have to know the difference between observations and action research, nor do i ever have to apply a log function or know what year pericles died. thank you jesus. 

so now there is a world to conquer and so much time to spare. this freedom is almost making me giddy to be honest but i am glad. speaking of jesus i had the most amazing encounter last night. i was praying about society and asking for confidence and any apprehensions to be dispelled and this verse continually came into mind "philippians 4:6" to be honest i couldn't recall what the actual verse was so i scavanged for my bible among the load of papers and clothing in my pig sty of a bedroom and finally found it. and it was "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." and i thought oh my goodness, you are good! haha i knew the verse but it came at such a perfect time and it felt all fear was blanketed over his amazing promise. i don't believe it was coincidental but i know that i slept well that night haha.

thats all i wanted to really share haha. enjoy the day friends!
love




p.s. so i tweeted this to my friend jem the other day and i believe it captures the essence of what im feeling right now haha.