i'll be honest, i'm aching for next year. part of me is striving to not be so expectant about how 2012 will unfold itself, as to avoid the devestating effects of disappointment but i just can't help myself. there is so much to look forward to next year. i have a great feeling about it. i mean don't get me wrong, i'm not dispelling the greatness and blessing that this year has become even before it has ended, but man next year can only go from strength to strength. apart from getting to hear and see lovely favourites live such as bon iver and feist at laneway (losing my festival virginity!), i will finally be graduating, turning twenty and immersing myself in some preliminary travel, something i've been dying to do since leaving high school. the thought of living by myself in a foreign country for six months is daunting but so appealing. the notion of befriending potentially life long friends, falling in love with strangers, eating good food and drinking impeccable wine, the possibility of never returning back to australia just makes me so giddy and hopeful. it's definitely something i need in life right now. as gay and eat, pray, love as i sound i need to find myself by momentarily bidding farewell everything that i know and find comfort in. to be stretched and unfurled and maybe even slightly broken to see what me contains.
this year as been great so far. it has been one of many firsts, friends, university, alienation, conviction, nonchalance and confusion. the truth is that at the end of the day life goes on, and it waits for no one. no matter how many times i'd like to rewind, fast forward or pause moments in my life, i simply cannot but move forward. i'm sick and tired of dwelling on what i did wrong and who i lost and why i still can't get over some things. i want to accept that the answer isn't for us and that everything is held in the palm of a hand that is beyond flesh, blood and time. i'm scared of the unknown. scared that i might fall, stumble, hurt. but i guess that's the beauty of life. it's a learning curve and every victory and bruise should be adopted and accepted.
i just hope i'll come out of this year and into the next with a guarded heart and open eyes. that i will be wise, have fun, go crazy but discern the difference from an opportunity and an impending consequence. part of me wants to scream "fuck it, i'm young" but then there's that whole part after my youth that i have to consider and take care of. let's just hope that i find what i'm looking for, and if i don't then i know it isn't time yet. until then 2012, please don't disappoint me. i really need you to happen. not necessarily the way i want things to happen, just please happen.
can't wait.
love,
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
thought #227- if perfection existed in this world
the day would be expectant, pregnant with opportunity. the weather accommodating and pleasant with the ideal concoction of sunshine and breeze. she would rise from the rumination early in the morning, and think about what the day would consist; hopeful yet somewhat frightened at the thought of being disappointed. she would be nervous as she puts on her crisp white pop classic acne shirt, her leather shorts and flatforms before driving away. she would breakfast (at surry hills) as a lone ranger, mocha in one hand, cigarette in the other. her mind filled with the cup of pablo neruda's tantalizing poetry, overflowing with imagery and imagination. as soon as she finishes her cigarette, the phone rings. she knows who it is and once again conjures simultaneous feelings of projectile vomiting and ecstatic joy. he will say he's five minutes away, she says see you soon.
he would approach her casually, his presence would fill the void of the adjacent vacant seat. he would look effortlessly lovely, crisp white pop classic acne shirt, rolled shorts and loafers. they would laugh at the coincidentally similar outfits and he would order a glass of water. they would engage in small talk before he decides to sweep her off her feet. she would, willingly. they would walk to his parked car, he would open the door for her. they would drive to bondi and would stroll casually along the strip, stopping at the market stalls. he would buy her a small thin metal bracelet with a skull. she would adore it. they would walk past a photobooth and he would pull her in, she hesitant and embarrassed but that doesn't matter. he would tell her a funny story and she would honestly cackle, internally hoping the day would slow down because each minute means a minute closer to the end of this moment.
they would reach the beach, sit on the towel and talk. about the deeper things in life; the people they loved, the people they lost; who they want to be, what they want to see, which beatle was the best, their favourite scrubs episode, why they hate and adore courtney love, the last time they were drunk, everything but what they mean to each other. then there would be a silence, and they would stare at the sky and know, without it being spoken, that right now is enough. she would ruin the moment by taking a photo of him. he would complain but secretly love it. he'll ask if she's hungry, she would say yes. they would pack up and head to leichardt for some italian and gelato, all this time she would be singing to beyonce ridiculously loud.
after a feast, they would walk along the forum before deciding to drop by adriano zumbo for some takeaway macarons. they would feel tired so he would take her back to his place. they would power nap on the couch conveniently located on the rooftop. they would stir soon after to find it is almost dinner time. still slightly full, they decide to visit the local supermarket to purchase alcohol and ingredients for a salad. she would buy the salad, he the alcohol. they would return home and commence festivities with some delicious rekordlig. they would "cook" together, making reference to hilarious moments in friends. after a light dinner they would eat macarons together followed by more rekordlig. as they wait for their friends to make an appearance. they head to the rooftop, pop open the moscato, turn the music onto a light hum, light a few cigarettes and talk. this time he is brave enough to let her into that complicated heart of his. she would be surprised yet privileged. he would confess how he really felt. she would reciprocate. they would hold hands until she ruins the moment again with her awkwardness. he would laugh knowing very well the moment was bound to happen sooner or later. they would lift their moscatos up to the summer air and dance along to the pleasant jumble of the smiths, U2, temper trap and lauren hill.
soon the noise of the troops would fill the romantic lull. the close friends and favourites would come armed with ingredients for cocktails, more music, weed, and movies. the rest of the night would be spent in their company. he would thank her for today. she would say thank you too. it would be 2am. she would be tired. she would whisper in his ear, i'm going to bed. and he would subconsciously follow. they would awake the next day, with a panadol and glass of peach sencha. he would tell her she looks the most beautiful right now. she would say he was lying but thank you anyway.
love,
ps. she sorted. day sorted. he still pending.
he would approach her casually, his presence would fill the void of the adjacent vacant seat. he would look effortlessly lovely, crisp white pop classic acne shirt, rolled shorts and loafers. they would laugh at the coincidentally similar outfits and he would order a glass of water. they would engage in small talk before he decides to sweep her off her feet. she would, willingly. they would walk to his parked car, he would open the door for her. they would drive to bondi and would stroll casually along the strip, stopping at the market stalls. he would buy her a small thin metal bracelet with a skull. she would adore it. they would walk past a photobooth and he would pull her in, she hesitant and embarrassed but that doesn't matter. he would tell her a funny story and she would honestly cackle, internally hoping the day would slow down because each minute means a minute closer to the end of this moment.
they would reach the beach, sit on the towel and talk. about the deeper things in life; the people they loved, the people they lost; who they want to be, what they want to see, which beatle was the best, their favourite scrubs episode, why they hate and adore courtney love, the last time they were drunk, everything but what they mean to each other. then there would be a silence, and they would stare at the sky and know, without it being spoken, that right now is enough. she would ruin the moment by taking a photo of him. he would complain but secretly love it. he'll ask if she's hungry, she would say yes. they would pack up and head to leichardt for some italian and gelato, all this time she would be singing to beyonce ridiculously loud.
after a feast, they would walk along the forum before deciding to drop by adriano zumbo for some takeaway macarons. they would feel tired so he would take her back to his place. they would power nap on the couch conveniently located on the rooftop. they would stir soon after to find it is almost dinner time. still slightly full, they decide to visit the local supermarket to purchase alcohol and ingredients for a salad. she would buy the salad, he the alcohol. they would return home and commence festivities with some delicious rekordlig. they would "cook" together, making reference to hilarious moments in friends. after a light dinner they would eat macarons together followed by more rekordlig. as they wait for their friends to make an appearance. they head to the rooftop, pop open the moscato, turn the music onto a light hum, light a few cigarettes and talk. this time he is brave enough to let her into that complicated heart of his. she would be surprised yet privileged. he would confess how he really felt. she would reciprocate. they would hold hands until she ruins the moment again with her awkwardness. he would laugh knowing very well the moment was bound to happen sooner or later. they would lift their moscatos up to the summer air and dance along to the pleasant jumble of the smiths, U2, temper trap and lauren hill.
soon the noise of the troops would fill the romantic lull. the close friends and favourites would come armed with ingredients for cocktails, more music, weed, and movies. the rest of the night would be spent in their company. he would thank her for today. she would say thank you too. it would be 2am. she would be tired. she would whisper in his ear, i'm going to bed. and he would subconsciously follow. they would awake the next day, with a panadol and glass of peach sencha. he would tell her she looks the most beautiful right now. she would say he was lying but thank you anyway.
love,
ps. she sorted. day sorted. he still pending.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
thought #226- so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye
dear ,
you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.
but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways, i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems. i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore.
maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.
we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too. i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.
so for now it's goodbye.
love,
you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.
but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways, i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems. i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore.
maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.
we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too. i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.
so for now it's goodbye.
love,
Sunday, October 9, 2011
thought #225- i'm not together but i'm getting there
lately i've been feeling pretty shit. emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. i'm not whinging or seeking out pity, but the truth is i've been feeling somewhat stuck in some sort of twilight zone. a relentless cycle of mundane banality that somehow (and i don't know how it got to be) has sucked me dry. it's like as if i've been on a marathon for seven years and still not finding the reason why i'm doing it or listening to your favourite song times infinity. something that once was relaxing, amusing and comfortable is suddenly an indifferent, tiring son of a gun.
and now as type, i wonder, how did i ever get way? to this point in my life where i'm suddenly questioning the meaning of it all. i mean mentally i know why i'm here, who i'm living for and what i'm called to do yet somehow my heart and my actions are lagging (just like my fucking internet connection). is it out of complacency? is it out of resent? is it out of hurt? is it out of comfort? maybe it's everything? i remember growing up with such big, ambitious dreams. i mean yes they were slightly ridiculous and exaggerated (married at 25... yeah... right...) but they were still dreams nonetheless. i had everything planned out and hoped and prayed that somehow they would be divinely blessed with reality. i remember thinking i could change the world. these days, although i am not hopeless, i fear so much. i fear i'm growing older and i'm seeing no progress. i fear i'm not working hard enough, that i'm not good enough, that these big dreams and plans i've set my heart to are just too impossible to reach. i fear that i'm becoming mundane and i hate the fact that i'm letting myself be it.
i hate to think that i'm actually content to live this shit, half- hearted life. that i'll be forever known as an unidentifiable farrago of flesh and bones, another soul lost into oblivion, just another person with a whole lot of inspiration and not enough faith. i'd hate to think that i've become abigail cruz- the 19 year old tired, single, meaningless woman with a penchant for cigarettes, ciders, macabre, black humour, cheesy 80's teen movies and nutella. because when i look it at that way- it feels like i'm describing my present self down to a tee (ps. i'll forever be a fan of nutella).
but you know, even whilst being in this state, my Almighty Creator, in all His humour, glory, beauty and love graces me with little gems, little reminders, little glimpses of himself. today i was listening to a message on being in the middle. how life shouldn't be defined by our middle moments but by Him. throughout the whole message i was thinking, did this guy just get into my skin for a second? how is he talking directly at me? i thought to myself i'm definitely feeling the middle and as hard as it is for me to admit i'm nowhere near the end or where or who i want to be. i wish being renewed took two seconds but it'll take far longer for me. i don't know when or how but i know i'll eventually get out of the shit stream and find the river of life somehow. i still have hope. i'm still pretty fucked up but that's the difference, i'm still all those things yet He is still on the throne. if i can get back to being a little less indifferent and more inclined to people and eternity than maybe i'd stop feeling so shit all the time. ok, let's try again.
love,
and now as type, i wonder, how did i ever get way? to this point in my life where i'm suddenly questioning the meaning of it all. i mean mentally i know why i'm here, who i'm living for and what i'm called to do yet somehow my heart and my actions are lagging (just like my fucking internet connection). is it out of complacency? is it out of resent? is it out of hurt? is it out of comfort? maybe it's everything? i remember growing up with such big, ambitious dreams. i mean yes they were slightly ridiculous and exaggerated (married at 25... yeah... right...) but they were still dreams nonetheless. i had everything planned out and hoped and prayed that somehow they would be divinely blessed with reality. i remember thinking i could change the world. these days, although i am not hopeless, i fear so much. i fear i'm growing older and i'm seeing no progress. i fear i'm not working hard enough, that i'm not good enough, that these big dreams and plans i've set my heart to are just too impossible to reach. i fear that i'm becoming mundane and i hate the fact that i'm letting myself be it.
i hate to think that i'm actually content to live this shit, half- hearted life. that i'll be forever known as an unidentifiable farrago of flesh and bones, another soul lost into oblivion, just another person with a whole lot of inspiration and not enough faith. i'd hate to think that i've become abigail cruz- the 19 year old tired, single, meaningless woman with a penchant for cigarettes, ciders, macabre, black humour, cheesy 80's teen movies and nutella. because when i look it at that way- it feels like i'm describing my present self down to a tee (ps. i'll forever be a fan of nutella).
but you know, even whilst being in this state, my Almighty Creator, in all His humour, glory, beauty and love graces me with little gems, little reminders, little glimpses of himself. today i was listening to a message on being in the middle. how life shouldn't be defined by our middle moments but by Him. throughout the whole message i was thinking, did this guy just get into my skin for a second? how is he talking directly at me? i thought to myself i'm definitely feeling the middle and as hard as it is for me to admit i'm nowhere near the end or where or who i want to be. i wish being renewed took two seconds but it'll take far longer for me. i don't know when or how but i know i'll eventually get out of the shit stream and find the river of life somehow. i still have hope. i'm still pretty fucked up but that's the difference, i'm still all those things yet He is still on the throne. if i can get back to being a little less indifferent and more inclined to people and eternity than maybe i'd stop feeling so shit all the time. ok, let's try again.
love,
Monday, October 3, 2011
thought #224- deja vu
1. straight. however freja beha erichsen and ruby rose often make me think otherwise.
2. yes. horrible vice and companion to my coffee and cider.
3. yes. i can't stomach copious amounts though.
4. no.
5. underage.
6. yes. sideboob.
7. yes. hoping to fulfill this by the end of this month.
8. yes, nothing extraordinary.
9. not particularly.
10. samantha and madeleine.
11. forever alone haha.
12. smile, polite, family orientated, sense of style, sense of humor.
13. jerk, spitting in the street, says cunt in every sentence, self conceited and clingy/jealousy.
14. it would be a three way tie between fight club, sixteen candles and spirited away.
15. you are francisco lachowski.
16. everyone, it's ridiculous.
17. blacktown emergency.
18. i am generally indecisive and very sarcastic.
19. i can be a pushover sometimes. i also don't fancy my nose or legs.
20. freckles and friendliness.
21. happy. hopefully having conquered a corporate dynasty of some sort.
22. blood: non-existent bonds stronger than blood: very well. i miss them though.
23. like any normal child- parents'- bipolar. i love them immensely though.
24. cooking dinner together, having said dinner on a fairy- lit rooftop overlooking some beautiful city, dessert, wine and favourite movie, ending the night with cigarettes, ciders, photographs and dancing to mixed tapes.
25. movies without subtitles, slow walkers, people who back out/change plans last minute and compulsive liars.
26. european, tall, lean, fashion style's a mix between vintage and european fashion, killer looks, adorable laugh, kind and thoughtful (i actually just half described my uni crush and ideal future boyfriend).
27. horns, evil, resides in hell. aka lucifer.
28. to avoid hurting their feelings.
29. the lack of consistent connection.
30. very long but it was to mads.
31. hurtful words duh.
32. the Word.
33. to win the lotto.
34. see number 12.
35. ideally, while i'm single and young i'd like to live overseas (london or new york) but i would love to raise my family in australia.
36. my body.
37. teacher, professional singer and doctor.
38. ben and jerrys or baskin and robbins.
39. the female version of james franco.
40. on the greek islands.
41. pringles (fatty).
42. francisco lachowski.
43. there is something such as world nutella day (feb 5)
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