lately i've been feeling pretty shit. emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. i'm not whinging or seeking out pity, but the truth is i've been feeling somewhat stuck in some sort of twilight zone. a relentless cycle of mundane banality that somehow (and i don't know how it got to be) has sucked me dry. it's like as if i've been on a marathon for seven years and still not finding the reason why i'm doing it or listening to your favourite song times infinity. something that once was relaxing, amusing and comfortable is suddenly an indifferent, tiring son of a gun.
and now as type, i wonder, how did i ever get way? to this point in my life where i'm suddenly questioning the meaning of it all. i mean mentally i know why i'm here, who i'm living for and what i'm called to do yet somehow my heart and my actions are lagging (just like my fucking internet connection). is it out of complacency? is it out of resent? is it out of hurt? is it out of comfort? maybe it's everything? i remember growing up with such big, ambitious dreams. i mean yes they were slightly ridiculous and exaggerated (married at 25... yeah... right...) but they were still dreams nonetheless. i had everything planned out and hoped and prayed that somehow they would be divinely blessed with reality. i remember thinking i could change the world. these days, although i am not hopeless, i fear so much. i fear i'm growing older and i'm seeing no progress. i fear i'm not working hard enough, that i'm not good enough, that these big dreams and plans i've set my heart to are just too impossible to reach. i fear that i'm becoming mundane and i hate the fact that i'm letting myself be it.
i hate to think that i'm actually content to live this shit, half- hearted life. that i'll be forever known as an unidentifiable farrago of flesh and bones, another soul lost into oblivion, just another person with a whole lot of inspiration and not enough faith. i'd hate to think that i've become abigail cruz- the 19 year old tired, single, meaningless woman with a penchant for cigarettes, ciders, macabre, black humour, cheesy 80's teen movies and nutella. because when i look it at that way- it feels like i'm describing my present self down to a tee (ps. i'll forever be a fan of nutella).
but you know, even whilst being in this state, my Almighty Creator, in all His humour, glory, beauty and love graces me with little gems, little reminders, little glimpses of himself. today i was listening to a message on being in the middle. how life shouldn't be defined by our middle moments but by Him. throughout the whole message i was thinking, did this guy just get into my skin for a second? how is he talking directly at me? i thought to myself i'm definitely feeling the middle and as hard as it is for me to admit i'm nowhere near the end or where or who i want to be. i wish being renewed took two seconds but it'll take far longer for me. i don't know when or how but i know i'll eventually get out of the shit stream and find the river of life somehow. i still have hope. i'm still pretty fucked up but that's the difference, i'm still all those things yet He is still on the throne. if i can get back to being a little less indifferent and more inclined to people and eternity than maybe i'd stop feeling so shit all the time. ok, let's try again.
love,
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