thought #265- 2:17am confessions

1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.

2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.

3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?

4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.

5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.

Love,

thought #263- snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

so i've returned home to the comforts of my own king single bed, the scorching hot suburban scenery, home cooked meals, uni work, band practices and the relentless search for a graduate job. in totality it's been about nine days and as much as i love my family, friends, familiarity and the change of not having to leave the house with seven layers, i really do miss london and europe and all the glories of the northern hemisphere. i do often at times feel like a broken record, recounting about the people i miss, the blurred memories i embarrassingly recollect and the holiday mode lifestyle. now i must face the bigger picture of growing up, graduating and achieving success in life. the thought of having to get my shit altogether is frankly quite frightening and i'm unsure as to how i feel about the impending future. i know that part of me believes that it will be equally if not more hard work regardless if i relocate to london or find a job away from home but i feel so comfortable there. it really feels like i've left my heart  back in intersecting tube lines, along the flurry and fuss of oxford street, somewhere deep in an ash tray or coffee cup at brick lane or even in regents among the filthy rich folk i once called my classmates. i often think to myself, how is it possible that six months flew by that quickly? that everything is a mere blur. i feel everything that happened in europe was but a dream like procession and i've awoken back to the reality of home and hardship haha. perhaps the world will continue revolving and the friends i met back there will forget me soon enough but i honestly can't help remembering it. recalling those times as if they were the best days of my life, my glory days. but part of me doesn't want to seem enthralled by the past. that the present and future is too bright to be seen with closed eyes. i can only hope that as i start sorting life out, getting the hang of things once again, that i can find success and favour for the remainder of 2013. that my future will slowly but surely start carving itself into something i can see myself being a part of. whether it means being stuck in aus or being reunited with my first love, europe. whatever happens i just have to remain hopeful, hardworking and resistant of reminiscing especially about past heartbreaks.... haha

love,

thought #261- declare then do

i want to:

• step out of the mundane, banality of life. find out what i really want and what i really love and seek it without qualm. 
• find my home. travel between borders, collect memories of locations and evenings and people, then finally settle down to where my conscience, career and community peacefully reside (wherever that may be). 
• stop falling in lust and start falling in love. i don't want to settle for someone's nasty leftovers nor be the constant centre piece of temporary affinity influenced by copious amounts of champagne. 
• pay more attention to the condition of my soul. stop ignoring the relationship that helped me build virtues, values, faith and goodness for the people around me. stop being so selfish as to think i'm wasting time with the one who took his to craft me in all my complexity. 
• be less avaricious, more ambitious. i want to be driven by goals, by that personal satisfaction, by inspiration and the success of strategies created from my own whim not because i have to prove anything to anyone else or base my life on materialistic measures. 
• sing and write more. i say it every year but i do mean it. i want to make more music and refine the art. i want this year to overflow with experiences, feelings, thoughts transposed into music and lyrics. 
• appreciate the little things more. from home cooked meals, to the fact that i have a roof under my head and a family who loves me unconditionally, from a gorgeous sunset to the beauty of stranger's stance. 
• learn another language. french first, spanish second, then italian, then who knows where it may lead?
• live in a mantra of positivity. that there is hope, everything will work out. that time is not an obstacle. i want to manifest and generate light into the people i know and the ones i am yet to meet. 
• declare then do. i don't want wishes and hopes to be merely contained to this blog entry (as what i find myself constantly doing) but instead i want to make it happen. now is the time. 

love,

thought #260- caught in the middle

they said it would get easier after the first time, that i would get used to the the relentless wave of moments, the blinks of bliss and the poisonous promise of a tonight. and perhaps i will one day. or perhaps not. maybe i'll just keep seeing the flaws of fucking without feelings.

in this case, we were just two strangers fumbling in the dark, patting at our pockets as if searching for misplaced morals sandwiched in between cigarette packets, credit cards and each other's surname. we didn't need each other. not in that way. not in the sort of manner that keeps couples glued to each other's side for five years while secretly wanting to shoot each other (or themselves) in the head. i guess we just wanted each other. the way one craves for mcdonalds after a big night out, or a hot bath after a long day at work. perhaps we even wanted to tame our own unspoken loneliness with anonymity. whatever it was to get us by.

i'm not used to this, i thought to myself. he looks like he knows what he's doing. but i'm scared shitless right now because i know this doesn't work for me. i can't kiss someone without feeling i need to love them wholeheartedly but i did it anyway. it struck me the instance we awkwardly arrived at the hotel lobby, constantly checking to see if the other was still under the influence of carnal degradation and hoping we wouldn't snap back into reality and save oneself from what would happen next. the hands intertwined up an elevator soon followed,  feigning familiarity, feigning love beyond the fact that it was a mutual, rash agreement signed by a sneaky kiss on the dance floor. he opened the door to a balcony blanketed by the crisp, chill of the evening sky. with my cigarette alight and a million thoughts racing through my head, the most prominent voice of reason echoes and pounds through the system, far stronger than the copious amounts of champagne previously downed, screaming but you don't do this.

and then the stranger stares intently, he's but an inch away and here you are overanalysing once again. sobering up. trying to figure what he's thinking, whilst simultaneously trying hard to hide your tortured soul. he grabs your face and for that moment you feel as if you've known him all your life. that perhaps he is the boy you subconsciously dreamed about in high school and this moment, shrouded by the mystery of a foreign country with a foreign person for one long and arduous night, is but perfection in disguise. temporarily you know everything surface about him. about his nickname, his tattoos, his hometown, the way he likes to bite your lip while you kiss. temporarily you are the apple of his eye. temporarily you are drawn by such lust that takes superiority above all else. temporarily you are being offered the most expensive delicacy on a silver platter, free of charge. you are torn as to take it, knowing fully well that if you but have the slightest taste, you will never cease to want more.

and then you fall asleep in his arms. spooning the way you only wanted to do with someone you actually cared about. and in that fetal position, thoughts overflow, drenching the hotel room with a numbness, a wholehearted understanding that there is no repeat. there is no breakfast after. there is no late night conversations with your legs rested on your bedroom wall or picnics by the beach. there is no time, no agreement, no need for friendship and association after. it was fun. it wasn't fulfilling. we didn't need each other, you remind yourself. and as you rise from the rumination, embarrassed by your hungover, morning face you realise this. fetching your dress, looking into his eyes, there was no magic, he did not miraculous evolve or transform into a potential. he is still the same stranger who twirled your arm across the dance floor. the same stranger who is saying good morning to you from the bathroom, the same way he said good night in between the sheets.

and as you awkwardly depart the hotel lobby, go separate ways. you politely thank each other, express gratitude for the company and know fully well that it will probably be the last time you see each other ever again. and when reality strikes you both, he will forget your name, your face and associate you with another new years, another frisky time accompanied with feeling forever young. and you'll do exactly the same. they said it would get easier after the first time, but all i can still see is the flaw of fucking without feelings.

love,

thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,

thought #256- how to love

dear you,

to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.

as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".

i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i  do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.

i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.

wishing you well

love,

thought #254- nothing appears as it seems

just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time and just because you were nice to me for one night, one moment, one week, doesn't mean you're a nice person at all and just because i think it's right doesn't necessarily mean it isn't wrong. just because you have a good life and lots of pretty things and a privileged existence doesn't mean you have the right. and just because you're beautiful externally doesn't mean you have a heart to match. just because i made a mistake doesn't mean i think you are one. just because i appear fine and unaffected and nonchalant in your presence doesn't mean it's not chaotic in the brain and the heart. just because you promised doesn't mean you won't tell and just because i care now doesn't mean i'll care forever. just because you can't say how you feel doesn't mean you're not feeling anything at all and just because i think you're immature and insecure doesn't mean i don't think you'll grow and find who you are in the future. just because we met under unfortunate circumstances doesn't mean meeting you was unfortunate. just because i'm hurt now, doesn't mean i'll never cease to be hurt. just because we can't be friends doesn't mean i never considered you to be one. just because i let you see my weaknesses doesn't mean i don't know my strengths. just because it's hard doesn't give you the right to think i'm easy. just because you're fucked up doesn't mean you will be perpetually. just because i couldn't love you doesn't mean i hated you. just because i'm saying goodbye now doesn't mean i'll never say hello again. just because i want to break your heart sometimes doesn't mean i don't want to mend it. just because you don't know who you are doesn't justify why you thought you had me all figured out. just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time.

love,

thought #250 - it always works out in theory

So it's almost been a week since I packed my bags, bid Sydney farewell and giddily left for my exciting temporary London life. So far it's been mundane and tame but I'm not complaining because heck i'm a thousand miles away from home and I don't think this chance will come again any time soon. I'm basking in the lazy life before Uni preoccupies my days and I have to force myself to get back to the routine of study and normal human sleeping patterns. Perhaps it's homesickness or this ridiculous sudden change of pace and perspective for me... But it really feels like something a little life changing is going to happen soon and I'm both stoked and scared shitless by it all. I guess after all the honeymoon phase of independent bliss has worn off I wonder how I'll get back to the old life & if i can actually return. I know in sounding like a dramatic wench right here but I've never been one to embrace change naturally. I mean I tend to always be the one who is always complaining about needing to turn tables and see new sides, sights and faces but part of me is anxious to keep precious relationships and values and beliefs in tact... But what if it can't happen when I get back? What if I become so far off or suddenly deranged? I know I'm overreacting but I guess this desire for a new identity was much more easier said in theory than reality. But this doesn't mean I'm going to hold back in the life living and once in a life time experiences and opportunities that come my way in the next 6 months. It just means that I may do some crazy things and maybe make a few "learning" mistakes and I may change in perspective and attitude towards life and the world but at the end of the day it's all about keeping yourself true to who you are, who your Creator fashioned you to be and not getting lost in carnality or have your soul snatched up by selfishness. It's a big world out there with innumerable decisions to be made for a life only lived and given once... You do the math.

Love,

thought #248- alternate realities

we would meet outside a pub, his body leaning with a peculiar deftness. he would appear confident, indifferent and effortless. his locks would be overgrown; facial hair. tattoos scrawled across his flesh. he would wear ripped clothing coupled with vintage and worn in leather. scuffed boots at his feet. he would talk lazily, a drawl summoned on his own accord. he would know no hue but black and white. his lips curled, he would smell of rich alpine, cigarette smoke and whiskey. i would watch him play, strum his guitar and recklessly plunge his throat into the unfathomable depths of a melody. we would share in cheap conversation, he would forget my name twice. he would offer me a paradise taken by the tounge. perhaps there may be a morning after.

we would meet in an office. at the very first board meeting. our eyes would casually rest on each other. it would be slightly awkward and we refrain from smiling at each other. he would be young and fresh from university. he would have hair the colour of sand tread upon by innumerable travellers. he would have a british accent and a lean, tall body that would somewhat hint years of polo and privileged living. he would be shy to ask at first but summon the courage to engage in small talk. he would eventually take me out to lunch. to sushi. we would agree on different dishes. we would find plenty of similarities and differences. we would leave flirtatious post-it notes on each other's desk. perhaps there may be a relationship in there somewhere.

we would meet at a mutual friend's wedding. he would be a friend of the groom, i a friend of the bride's. he would be a brunette, blue eyed, cute. unconventionally handsome. he would quote movie lines from every film imaginable and hum theme songs of television series habitually. we would be forced to engage in endless hours of torturous dancing and preparation. at first we would not be attracted to one another but as the weeks spent together accumulate, a sort of fondness lingers. we would spend the wedding day at each other's side. i would fall asleep on his shoulder and he would tuck me into bed. perhaps there maybe a call me after.

we would meet in a foreign country. i would ask him for directions and he would offer to walk with me. he would be handsome; older. he would be successful, conservative. he would mention that he was a widow but have no children. he would be emotional, yet driven. sensitive yet sensible. he would ask for my name and forget no detail in what i've shared. he would pepper our conversation with pearls of wisdom and paragons of proverbs. he would drop me at my desired location and tip his hat courteously. he will ask to see me again, take me to a deserted beach or mountain range untainted and unspoilt by human perversion. perhaps there may be an intimacy, perhaps an unorthodox connection.

we would have known each other all our lives, where we first met would be trivial detail. he would almost be a sibling. we would do life with each other and see other people. fall in love with other people. kiss each other at 13 on new years eve and feel nothing remotely romantic about the moment. we would engage in dead-end jobs, complain about the confining world of tertiatry education and spend weekends watching movies, emptying bottles of wine and rolling jays. we would graduate and i would move north and consequently leave him behind and he would feign that he didn't care, play platonic and distant and wish me the best and subtly hint the numerous flings i would have with strange european hunks. we would spend the last day before my flight in his bed, talking and crying and feeling pathetic but more so real. we would feel it, whatever it is. i would hate him for not persuading me to stay. he will refer to me as his best friend. perhaps there may be an ending to it.

love,

thought # 247- the human in me

i have this theory that whenever i open myself to someone or even consider the possibility of letting my heart work again (beyond its main purpose of oxidising my blood and keeping me alive), i lose my cool and fuck it up. always. i play it unromantic and nonchalant externally while my insides boil with suspicion, hope, hormones and expectancy. and it seems to be fine for as long as the chase can perpetuate. until it's revealed that the feeling is mutual and suddenly i am forced to ponder on the thought of actually entering into a serious relationship. and of course i don't, because i'm emotionally damaged and have commitment issues, which leads me to act as if i am in a relationship without the label. and then, served with a dose of overanalysation, things just go down hill from there. i get too needy, too anxious, too apprehensive, too easily upset over things that never upset me in the past. i begin to wonder and concentrate and dwell on some sordid fantasy that i've concocted in my mind and think to myself it's over again. over before it's fucking begun. it seriously happens all the time. i say i won't get attached but then i write about it in the middle of the night believing that this virtual vent will somehow ease the craziness of my internal condition like an alcoholic to his liquor or the addict to his smack. and i am so easy to deny it. to feign that i don't care, that it doesn't affect me, that i'm not making a big deal about it. but the shit thing is that i do. that a lot of things mean so much more than i say or reflect. i dislike revealing this, but its truly the small and quotidian things that happen in my day that make me feel assured. that somehow tame my qualms and make me not overanalyse. from the impersonal drunken text message, to the good morning call, to that tuesday lunch date to the saturday night skype session. for me, those small and seemingly banals acts are what keeps me sane. so to break from anything pertaining to routine in this case gives me the shits and makes me question whether things are falling apart.

i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.

love,

thought #246- the breakdown

to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?

and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.

suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.

so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.

love,

thought # 242- back on the bandwagon

apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
 my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!

i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha

love,

thought #238- haven't come across one these in awhile

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
hahaha no comment
Have you been upset the past few days?
yes, in bouts. Must be a girl thing.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
yeah
Have you ever fallen asleep in school?
yes
Do you have empty bottles of alcohol anywhere?
no gross
Relationships or one night stand?
relationships have always been of greater value to me.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
on friday at dolli's 21st haha

Ever sat in someone’s lap because there were no more seats in a vehicle?
yes when i was like five
Do you have sex everyday?
no
Is there anyone in the room with you?
no
Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?
yes and no
What would happen if you were locked in a room with the last person you kissed?
... who was the last person i kissed?
Have you kissed the last person you texted?
no... not yet. hahaha kidding
Do you want a tattoo?
definitely. already scheming as we speak
Ever kissed someone that smokes?
yeah
Could you go a month without talking to your best friends?
no, i would go insane.
Have you ever found someone you really really really liked?
yes, sigh.
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
i honestly can't remember who i kissed... it's been that long.
Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow?
highly doubt
How late did you stay up last night and why?
the usual 12-1am because i'm an insomniac and addicted to draw something.
What were you doing at eight am this morning?
rushing to get ready for uni
Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?
all the time
Were you single on Valentine’s Day?
yeah, typical
Do you think someone is thinking about you now?
i'd like to say yes but that's just wishful thinking.
When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do?
go on twitter, draw something or doodle
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they'd go ape shit
Are you a morning person or a night person?
definitely not a morning person that's for sure
Are you content with the current weather?
no it's so unpredictable and gloomy
Do you own many pairs of shorts?
not many
Do you miss someone right now?
i always do
Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower?
um no?
When was the last time you had alcohol?
last night. pathetic i know.
Do you feel like you just need to be with friends and relax?
yes, i need a holiday
Who was the last person you texted?my favourite stranger
Is there a fan going in the room you’re in?
no
Have you ever relied on coffee to keep you awake?
yes
Have you ever worn a bra on the outside of your shirt?
no
Do you like being naked?
when i'm feeling liberated (or it's ridiculously humid)
Have you ever kissed a giraffe?
are you on mdma?
What’s the last thing you looked up on Wikipedia?
 "how to pronounce bon iver"
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
all my jobs to date have been a blessing. thankfully.
Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand?
no
Can you whistle?
yes, most of time unintended when i'm blowing soup.
How many digits of pie do you have memorized?
3.1 (is it 4 or 9)?
Have you ever been in a pie eating contest?
no
Do you like watermelon?
yes, especially the watermelon flavoured rollies
Where’s one place you’d love to visit in your lifetime?
london (fingers crossed it becomes a reality this year).

Do you pick up pennies that you find on the ground?
depends
Have you ever painted all of your fingernails a different color?
no
What’s your favorite type of cake?
frozen cheesecake or ice cream cake
Have you ever eaten grass?
yes as a kid haha
Are you wearing socks?
no
Are you wearing headphones?
no
When was the last time someone played a practical joke on you?
a few weeks ago, my dad always tries to scare me
Were you upset?
no
How are you feeling now?
tired and almost sleepy
What time is it?
12:26am
What’s your name?
abigail ann cruz

thought #237- commitment phobia

the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.

now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.

i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.

i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.

love,

thought #235- same face, new name

as you may or may not have realised or recognised, this blog has a new name. i thought it apt to shake things up a bit and bid "croire" farewell and to welcome the non permanent arrival of this epithet.

lacuna |ləˈkjuːnə|
noun ( pl. -nae |-niː| or -nas )
an unfilled space or interval; a gap : the journal has filled a lacuna in Middle Eastern studies.
• a missing portion in a book or manuscript.
• Anatomy a cavity or depression, esp. in bone.

for those who don't know what lacuna means it basically means a gap, a pause, a bridge into the next. i thought that this name was considerably appropriate due to the fact that it this blog, my musings, the thoughts that run deep within my system and life itself is one huge gap into the next. just a fleeting moment before the greater life we are called to live. a simple breath into what lies ahead. so i guess life is the lacuna. each memory i recount and musing i ponder over in retrospect are somewhat trivial and profound pauses. i guess it makes more sense this way.

love,

thought #234- he, she

here you are again complaining about the way she doesn't get you. about the way everything was so easy until someone had to put a label on it. about how she rushed you into it, about how you weren't ready but simultaneously unprepared to let things be. here you are wishing that somehow you could rewind the time to when it was all but a delusional bliss. everything made sense, you say, back then. nothing was pressuring, nothing was serious. let's see how we go, you both agreed. but now, in retrospect, you think that it must have only been you present at that agreement. she's too clingy, too moody, too distant, too bitchy, too difficult, too stubborn, too selfish, too much (too human, perhaps?) for someone like you. here you are regretting the effort you spent to make her feel like she was the most important woman in the world. how uncomplicated things should still be, if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear. here you are again trying to discover what it is that she really wants from you. trying to understand why having each other just isn't enough. that somehow, all the happiness you once felt and associated with her presence has now been snatched from you. this, you admit, was all a big mistake.

and here you are again complaining about the way he doesn't get you. about how he has suddenly become someone completely different from the person you initially fell for. about how everything was so meaningful back then. the way he went out of his way to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. from the most tiny and mundane to the most significant moments. he used to make the effort, you tell me. he rushed you into it, time didn't seem to be important and you were too smitten not to let things be as they were. here you are again, swollen eyes and trembling voice, wishing you weren't so pathetic. that your goodbyes really meant goodbye instead of allowing withdrawals to be an excuse to cave in.  but now, in retrospect, you think that you weren't the only pathetic one in the relationship. he's too overprotective, too jealous, too narrow minded, too suspicious, too right in everything, too indifferent, too much for someone like you. how could you have not seen this earlier? you ask. here you are regretting on giving away fragments of irreplaceable heart, giving too much away and becoming so vulnerable. suddenly you realise how foolish you were to think that he was the best you'll ever have. if only someone didn't utter those words "i love you" and the other feigned they didn't hear, then maybe. maybe you could of saved yourself from you.

love,

thought #232- la lumière et obscurité

i never seem to get used to being asked something as simple as "who are you?" i often fumble, nervously giggle, awkwardly attempt to evade the naked truth with something witty and irrelevant. because in actual fact that question is as complex as my internal organs. and honestly it frightens me because i know deep inside i can't genuinely answer that question. being asked "who do you think you are?" is even worse. i might as well be asked why God exists or why boys love the chase and fuck the loving up or why people have to die? i mean who am i to say, does my opinion even constitute or contribute to anything vaguely meaningful? but then again apart from our Creator, i guess i'm the closest human being to knowing who i am the most.

i'll be honest (and not with feigned modesty), talking about who i am is kind of difficult. maybe i'm not the only one here, or maybe i am. i mean i feel awkward already as i type and think about what subject i am about to delve into. perhaps it's the fact that you're sharing/remembering/discovering/rediscovering fragments of your being that you never thought existed. or that you secretly wish didn't exist. we all have that la lumière (light) and obscurité (dark) side to ourselves. we're essentially all walking contradictions and live paradoxes (blame it on human nature). but i guess no matter how aware we are of our weaknesses and strengths, flaws and features and everything in between, the fact that we only know to a certain extent scares us shitless; as if one day we'll wake up, look in the mirror and wholeheartedly not know whose grimace we're starring back at.

from what i do know about myself there are alot of things i appreciate and would rather exchange limbs for about who i am. for one i'm not altogether. i'm not perfect or even good. i try to be a daughter one who desires to make her parents proud. i try to be a good student and finish my degree and get a good job that will sustain my lifestyle and bring comfort to my parents and family in the long run. i have innumerable dreams, big ambitions and goals. i want to travel so badly.  i love to sing and write and watch movies all day long. i have a weakness for handsome europeans, skim mochas, cigarettes, books that i can highlight "epitomic" lines and sushi. i love tea and jelly beans and monochrome outfits and clogs and ink and beautiful paintings and instagraming everything. but i guess all this is surface stuff. things that people already know, regardless if they know me very well or from the constraints of a friendly conversation or mere observation.

but i guess there are other things, like the way i struggle to be happy with my body or the way i wish i was a better Christian. the doubt i have for ever finding someone who i will truly spend the rest of my life with and the feeling that i'm so unworthy if that person ever crosses my path. then there's the fear that i'll never fulfill my dreams and goals and ambitions and live a life reflecting the hard work i put in or one that will make my parents proud. i sometimes have morbid dreams about my death or feel depressed about things in sporadic bouts. then the haunt of past mistakes and decisions. the unnerving questions of why can't i let go? and why should i? and that gut wrenching feeling if this is all meaningless....

i'm obviously not altogether. but i guess this is life. and the answer isn't always for us and this is why journeys exist. but to be optimistic, for every obscurité is la lumière and somehow, no matter how fucked up our decisions are or how life can be we still have freewill and we still have reasons to smile and be thankful. the very fact that we were brought into this planet was no accident and the very reason why i have things to appreciate about life is sometimes just enough to get me by. until i finally crack the code (maybe one day, maybe never) i'll leave the big questions as they are and the self-discovery as they come,

love,

thought #231- you're my uninspiration

not to sound artistically stifled or pathetically romantic but i've been feeling kind of uninspired lately. perhaps it's the ho hum of life as we speak. the banality and busyness of work and scheming for the new year. sadly this lack of inspiration has manifested into how i am and act on a daily basis. it's three weeks or so before 2012 opens it's eyes and leads us into another whirlwind of a year however, 2011 still hasn't finished and thus we should strive to keep the momentum, hence my little list to inspire and hopefully revive my once incited nature. i guess these little adoptions and adaptions in life can give me the sort of energy and optimism that will see me embracing life like a maniac and loving every minute of my existence despite how crappy it can be.

abi's list of self- inspiration into 2012

• exercise. create a routine habit of working out. an hour a day, five days a week.
• be healthy. this means avoiding frequent intoxication, and cutting back on cigs... death.
• eat. welcome meat once again in my life!
• write. note to self, buy moleskine and fill with ideas and verbosity. continue writing in this blog and dear humanity,.
• be creative. practice sewing, organise friperie and plan out future gigs and prospects of creative outlets.
• save. learn fucking self control.
• shop. update wardrobe. get rid of unworn garments (whilst simultaneously advancing friperie's inventory yeww) and build an amazing collection and balance between luxury staples, basics, vintage and sophistication.
• socialise. maybe 2012 is the year to mingle once again, awake hibernation and see friends especially folk whose physical faces you have not seen in a million years.
• fall in love with music all over again. meaning expand my musical horizons and knowledge.
• get back on track with the Creator. get back to commitment at church (powerhouse). start reading devotions. get back to the first love.
• decorate. room? i say this every year but it could do with a bit of a revamp. but then again if i'm not going to be here for half the year...
• travel. please, please, please Jesus.
• love again. optional of course but hey i wouldn't mind...

let's hope it works. god only knows how much i need it to right now.

love,

thought #230- big questions, no answers

i'm turning the big 2-0 next year. this is no particularly significant milestone, nor is it anything remarkable. but the fact that i'm shedding my teenage skin, hopefully living in a foreign country and finding who i am seems all so "big deal." it's also forcing me to ponder about the reality of life, the aging process and what i've accomplished to date. i mean i remember being thirteen and thinking that by 20 i would have a banging boyfriend, the biggest social butterfly and all that adult stuff sorted out. fast forward to six years and i still don't know what the hell is going on. i mean i have a plan, not made out of stone but something to keep me preoccupied. i mean i have big dreams and aspirations and fantasies painted vividly in my brain. but at the end of the day they still feel like wishlists i've been composing since i was a child. i find it's moments like these, when i read and listen to other people play out their lives, when i ponder about the future and consider not the prospects but the inevitable morphism into adulthood, that i really ought to do something about it.

it's also times like these i question everything about what i believe, what i want in life, who i'm living for, how to act, how to accept, moving on and moving into new motions of existence. i question where i'll be in ten years, who i'll be with in ten years, will i be living in australia? will i have made something out of myself? will i work a dead end job that i hate? will i become a drug addict? will i become an international superstar? will i live a humble life? will i live a life reflecting not a religion but the greatest person to have ever graced the planet- Jesus Christ? you know deep shit.

i mean i can't help it. it seems like questions such as those automatically come into being at the thought of growing up. i understand, we don't have to have it altogether and things can change. but i wish as i wrote this i could safely say i was content and happy and sure in myself and my faith. but something innate i guess is dormant. maybe i really need to see the world, maybe i need to let loose, maybe i need to learn the lessons (as hard as they can be). maybe then i can see that this life, and all those questions are frivolous if the end goal is to live a life so much bigger than yourself.

love,

ps. it's easier said than done though.

thought #228- 2012

i'll be honest, i'm aching for next year. part of me is striving to not be so expectant about how 2012 will unfold itself, as to avoid the devestating effects of disappointment but i just can't help myself. there is so much to look forward to next year. i have a great feeling about it. i mean don't get me wrong, i'm not dispelling the greatness and blessing that this year has become even before it has ended, but man next year can only go from strength to strength. apart from getting to hear and see lovely favourites live such as bon iver and feist at laneway (losing my festival virginity!), i will finally be graduating, turning twenty and immersing myself in some preliminary travel, something i've been dying to do since leaving high school. the thought of living by myself in a foreign country for six months is daunting but so appealing. the notion of befriending potentially life long friends, falling in love with strangers, eating good food and drinking impeccable wine, the possibility of never returning back to australia just makes me so giddy and hopeful. it's definitely something i need in life right now. as gay and eat, pray, love as i sound i need to find myself by momentarily bidding farewell everything that i know and find comfort in. to be stretched and unfurled and maybe even slightly broken to see what me contains.

this year as been great so far. it has been one of many firsts, friends, university, alienation, conviction, nonchalance and confusion. the truth is that at the end of the day life goes on, and it waits for no one. no matter how many times i'd like to rewind, fast forward or pause moments in my life, i simply cannot but move forward. i'm sick and tired of dwelling on what i did wrong and who i lost and why i still can't get over some things. i want to accept that the answer isn't for us and that everything is held in the palm of a hand that is beyond flesh, blood and time. i'm scared of the unknown. scared that i might fall, stumble, hurt. but i guess that's the beauty of life. it's a learning curve and every victory and bruise should be adopted and accepted.

i just hope i'll come out of this year and into the next with a guarded heart and open eyes. that i will be wise, have fun, go crazy but discern the difference from an opportunity and an impending consequence. part of me wants to scream "fuck it, i'm young" but then there's that whole part after my youth that i have to consider and take care of. let's just hope that i find what i'm looking for, and if i don't then i know it isn't time yet. until then 2012, please don't disappoint me. i really need you to happen. not necessarily the way i want things to happen, just please happen.

can't wait.

love,