thought # 242- back on the bandwagon

apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
 my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!

i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha

love,

thought # 96- the replacements

i think it is within our innate, subconscious humanity that whenever things conclude in life, we are inclined to replace that lover, best friend, profession, high school glory with someone or something else. its never a deliberate intention, to squeeze and attempt to cut people and situations into a mould we know deep down can only fit one but it usually ends up this way. and suddenly we find ourselves in a conflicting situation in which one party finds themselves hurt to know that they are inadequate to be a substitute and the other knows very well that no one can take his/her/that space.

and so who is to blame? well technically neither. we have just grown accustomed to this practice of secretly hoping that perhaps this person will be the one to fill the void, heal the wound, clean the shit and erase any internal feelings i have for that other person/thing. ever since we were young, we have been taught through the mindset that things can always be replaced. a broken toy, a pulverised window, for fuck's sake even a human heart can be replaced by technology (temporarily). and so when things fall apart we are nimble to seek for our replacement.

but maybe, what if we ceased thinking that people we meet in the future and moments in our existence were not just replacements? that they were not present in our world to merely succeed the rotten past or stand in as the bigger and better model. what if we saw them as not a replacement but simply for they are. not the "new boy who will be better than my ex boyfriend" not the "new boss that won't screw me over this position" not the "new best friend that won't back stab me in the dark..."

but simply the new boy that i am willing to get to know and let into the chambers and depths of my mind and heart, to not replace but create something new. simply the new boss that i am willing to listen and obey and see where this job will take me. simply the new best friend that i am willing to give and take and trust. don't get me wrong, im not saying to forget wisdom. neither am i saying rip apart your heart and give it to anyone you see. i just mean if you keep comparing or thinking that every person you meet is a replacement of the person you want them to be, then you may miss out on the whole point. you may miss out on the unique, special, newness that this person may actually bring into your life. and it may be in fact exactly what you need now and not what you once thought you desired.

love,

ps. random beautiful photo of the day.