thought # 35- i hate endings

even happy ones which concoct feelings of sappy jubilee as you see the male and female protagonist slay all opposition and ride away into a sunset/home/endless road with implications that they will be happy perpetually. haha ok as unrealistic as that sounds i like that ending haha. but in general im not fond of endings. of things that must conclude and never return or repeat. similarly to today. being the last year of 2009 one cannot help but feel relieved/excited/morose/nostalgic about how quickly the days have matured and our world is aging once again. nevertheless, i am expectant and eager for what 2010 will bring.

in retrospect, this year has been one of many challenges both personally and in the context of my secondary schooling. it was a significant year i must say as many firsts enterred my life and many lasts simultaneously. it only feels like yesterday i graduated high school, went to schoolies, had a favourite boy (i still do, but just not in that context anymore), went to the formal, moved churches, turned 17 and so on. it really does feel like life was only yesterday and today is only here for a transitory tease before it becomes yesterday as well.

before i go on blabbing about the universe and time and profound nonsense haha i must include my new years resolutions/things to do which i always make every year. its  tradition, or more like ocd habit haha. but anyway here it goes:

10 things to do, who to be, what to expect in 2010

1. turn eighteen (obviously ha)
   
2. enrol into university
3. go clubbing
4. go on that special secret playdate with elle the boyfriend.
5. get my Ps 
6. learn to ride a bike (yes i still dont know how)
7. sponser a compassion child
8. volunteer to do a ministry at church
9. be better disciple and person in general haha.
10. enjoy the single life but be mindful and wise of the future. 

im sure there is so much more but ill add onto it if i do remember. oh 2010, it'll be a splendid year i have a good feeling. well apologies for not writing any sooner, work is a killer haha. but take care and have a splendid new years eve and day and may you party hard and love even harder and allow Him to mould you and refine you into the person you are supposed to be.

love

ps. the best party of all! mario party haha.

thought # 34- note to self

1. don't ever smoke cigarettes or consume alcohol or stay up until 3am talking about the complicated world of relationships when you have an eight hour "podiatric suicide" work shift the next day. HAHA

nevertheless i had a splendid evening at the grey residence celebrating the birth of the one and only eugene.  despite having to leave early due to work the next morning, i did have my fair share of reunions, perving on handsome strangers, meeting lovely new people, amusing myself at the antics of drunk people and being fed by lovely asian parents. it was i must say a prelude to 2010 and all the exciting wonders it is to bring. soon i will be posting my things to do for 2010 list which i actually intend to be completing (for once).

alot of things have been surging through my mind lately and to be honest it is hard to discern which path to follow. though i know some are life changing and attached to the future in a large impacting way, some are minor things that have convicted me to re-evaluate and enter 2010 without having to think about such things. there is one issue in particular. of course i can't elaborate when the people involved are currently oblivious so until then i shall remain vague and secretive haha.

well i guess decisions and change in this context may blossom into something better. i need to start dealing with life now... feels like  i haven't been doing so lately haha.

love,

p.s. life kind of feels a bit like this these days. (http://tumblergh.tumblr.com/)

thought # 34- merry christmas!

and happy birthday jesus! i'm going to keep this entry relatively short. actually that's an overstatement. tonight's entry will only be eight sentences long. so before i run out of space, due to my verbosity, let me greet you all a merry christmas and i do hope this festive, yuletide season was delightful in every way, shape and form. i hope the presents you subtly hinted many months ago became a reality, that you felt complete in the company of merry family and second cousins from usa who unexpectedly arrived for a short lived holiday and most of all were reminded of the greatest gift given to us thousands of years ago- jesus!

now i cannot wait for new years to arrive and i am so excited for 2010 and all the wonders and surprises it will bestow for all of us. now before i explode after gorging my little heart out today, i must say goodnight and once again wish everyone a beautiful and blessed CHRISTmas!

love

p.s. another self advertising spiel before i conclude... its the last one for 2009 :) enjoy my lovely regular supporters and new friends who randomly find it haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-0k8SBpf
oc 

thought #33- noche buena

is what they call christmas eve in the philippines (i think... haha correct me if im wrong) and this evening usually involves fantastic gorging in the company of family and kin, reminiscing, singing karaoke and waiting until the clock strikes midnight to repeat the routine over again. however i can't help feel that this festivity is slightly understated here in australia and silence, peace and the busyness of our regular lives have seemed to overridden the laid back, festive feelings synonymous with a traditional filipino christmas eve and day.

so i arrived home, after a tolerable but boring six hour shift at work, to consume my noche buena of spag bog then fruit salad and systematically rub my legs and feel the wave of tire overcome my entire anatomy. as i speak i am incredibly sleepy which is a nuisance since i was intending to stay awake until midnight and cheer on jesus for his birthday haha.

its funny though when i think about christmas eves and days in the past. although many were spent in the company of family in the forms of lunches, dinners and excessive holiday weight-gain, i can still recall christmas eve of 2006 when i was asked out on my drive way by a delightful young boy named kyle mercado. then i spent christmas day in the philippines (without my lovely parents) a year after. i miss little, petty yet significant things that suddenly become synonymous with your christmas season. it makes me nostalgic and laugh uncontrollably to think that years have truly passed and i still immediately think of shoo-ing of kyle away in the midst of a serenade haha. oh good times.

well i must be off, may you all have a splendid yuletide season. may it be a cherished time in the company of family and friends, may you recall the delightful and pathetic things you did when you were younger and create many more as this season repeats, may you be merry and find yourself drunk under the mistletoe HAHA but most of all may you give glory and gratitude to the one whose arrival, sacrifice and departure in this world caused a revelation and brought revelation to mankind.

love

p.s. christmas day 2007 - midnight at the serendra, philippines. one of the greatest holidays ever.

thought #32- it's beginning to look a lot like another consumerist christmas

haha im pathetic at puns. and apologies for not posting as part of my quotidian routine lately. work has appeared to suck the energy and time which was previously left for mooching and writing entries haha. so christmas is in two days, how crazy time has eradicated this year. soon it will be 2010 and my things to do for 2010 will soon appear (new year's resolutions are overrated but i succumb ever year haha).

it appears that once the christmas album is playing at work, two competitive houses have their christmas lights occupying 3/4 of the street's electricity, 349579457 santas are simultaneously taking pictures with frightened children and children at heart, tinsel, trees and miseltoes are being dusted and hung christmas has finally arrived. and all these things are good and jovial but just like easter becomes easter bunny day christmas is so easily trivialised into a family holiday and an excuse to gorge and splurge. i have no objection with fun on christmas because essentially it is a celebration.

its just a saddening reality that as hackeneyed as this statement is "jesus really is the reason for the season." this is the truth. if a saviour did not arrive humbly on this earth to bring hope, salvation and give the greatest intangible and tangible gift of adoration, this whole concept would not exist. so if this love incarnation is not really the message that is being said this christmas, stuff the overweight red and white man who breaks into our houses in the middle of the night and stuff the pretty lights and presents because santa didn't save us and our world must understand this.

nevertheless have an amazing festive christmas with the conscious understanding of love incarnation and a baby born thousands of years ago that saved us from ourselves.

love

p.s. the truth haha.

thought #31- its called child labour

not really but ten hours of standing, tagging sale shoes, getting three different sizes of three different pairs of shoes which don't end up being purchased, being ignored by (selectively) deaf customers, trying on shoes when no one else was in the store, dusting until i thought i would wheeze was not particularly the best way to spend a lovely saturday. nevertheless im not complaining, being paid and all haha it was also delightful to have kate and kuan drop by and keep me company be it a few minutes in between silences and window- shopping customers.

on a lighter note, last night i attended ncc's christmas shindig at st johns bowling park (think fairfield area) it was a lovely time of catching up and seeing faces that i have not seen in so long (apologies to the lovely kid i used to teach in sunday school who out of a competitive nature nearly poked his eyeball out with my elbow... im such a bully ha). nothing much has occurred except how 2009 is slowly dissolving and in less than a week christmas will be with us. i cannot believe how quickly this year has arrived and departed but moreso excited for what 2010 will bring.

well i am honestly, dead tired physically and mentally and thus cannot even summon enough strength to write anything witty or amusing. sorry if i've disappointed haha. well goodnight friends, until next week and another week of child labour (i kid, i love my job PROMISE!).

love

thought # 30- i will never compromise nail polish again

really, after experiencing the glories of expensive nail polish i will not return to the dodgy $2 bins or asian brands which are as bad as scratching the addictive scratchies my grandmother loves to buy. good quality nail polish is exactly like a great pair of fitting jeans, they look great, they feel amazing and sit in your nails/ hug your ass as if they were moulded on. i will no longer degrade nor deprive myself of the luxuries of expensive cosmetics because in this case a little more dollar actually goes a long way.

on a less superficial note, i received my atar results today and after an inital (more like whole day) disappointment i finally was happy to accept what i had and be blessed to find myself in a position where i am still eligible for any university haha. well today was spent with the favourite boy. i must say, against my sappy penchants and whims for anything mushy and idealistic, i did miss him very much. it was a lovely feeling to once again be in a position of familiarity, comfort, assurance and certainty. although things must still be conversed over, the heat, atar (including a raging mother who eventually calmed down haha) and how slightly depressing and eerie where the wild things are turned out to be (great soundtrack, amazing concept, creative, not very child-like though and quite solemn...) were iota compared to just being in the splendid, face- to- face concept of together.

to be honest, there are some days where you love the idea of singleness; whether you are in a relationship or on a temporary sojourn, the freedom and lack of responsibility, coupled with the absence of dealing from a mutual or collective perspective can be so tempting. then again, when your in a position similar to today, like teaching your favourite boy to eat sushi, laughing at his ridiculous mannerisms, feeling sweaty on a bus stop and asking... "do you still like me?" reminds me why "seeing each other" is worth being in the first place haha.

love

p.s. not relevant at all, just amusing. found it from a surfer's tumblr or something. HAHA

thought #29- where's my michael cera?

so tonight was spent engaging in another awkward, quirky, michael ceraesque film- nick and norah's inifinite playlist- which i must say was splendid, uncomfortable but sappy in totality. i think im beginning to gain a penchant for michael cera and his roles/movies which involve him as the stereotypical geeky, socially-awkward, not gorgeous but unconventionally cute male protagonist who's heart is broken then mended by another slightly left- of-centre girl with a shared commonality such as music in this case or a growing foetus (in juno) haha.

so he's not james franco, james dean, aaron johnson (and the list potentially continues perpetually) amazing, but he does have that attractive, kooky personality that i adore in boys (i know not to all haha). something that makes you ngaw uncontrollably and feel pathetic without having to gag at yourself (well not as much as the regular). so where does michael cera indulging lead to?

nothing really, except that i should urge us all to find our michael ceras in life. well if your anything like twisted old me, you wouldn't even bother with the pursuit and just wait and see. i guess this boils down to discernment. sometimes we get caught up with the momentary madness, the transitory ecstacy and the rendevouz- like fling to conveniently forget about the future. i can honestly say at this point in time, i am in this position. it feels like i am at the crux of a michael cera vs. (who's a hot jerk in a movie? can't think...) in life. and i am not merely confining this to love, but life in general.

so change may be splendid but it can also lead us to danger. sometimes we may get distracted by the flurries and hurries of our life to lose focus upon our michael ceras... the little less appealing, AWKWARD people/moments/extensions of your life. i dont know if im making sense here, probably not because as we speak i am very apprehensive about receiving my hsc marks tomorrow and moreso freaking out about the atar rank the day after. God, please help me haha.

p.s. michael cera, this post was not really about you. you were another twisted analogy. but i still think you're adorable anyway.

love

p.s. written on december 15 2009

thought # 28- the difference between maturity and man-children

is that maturity:

• is favoured and seen as a pleasant characteristic to have.
• means you can have a decent meal without your "significant other half" making spaghetti beards and finding the repeated use of dinghy in a movie ever so amusing.
• you can actually have a civilised conversation without thirty minute intervals because your other half is restless and just wants to watch people getting hurt or removing their garments.
• glues relationships for longer than how adorable or cute his antics, sneakies infront of your parents or lust for fictional virtual/comic book heroines are. 
• although it can have its cons including the possibility of becoming too serious or boring, means that you don't think life is merely some video game or based upon how many girls you can get in your pants or some meaningless cyclical state of eating, playing and complaining about your second rate shit job (some people may like that, personally i don't). 

and man children/child men:

• are the opposite. 

its not that i don't enjoy having fun. i mean from that list it must appear as if im some kill joy serious person that prefers saggy tits and dentures as opposed to youthful adventures haha. im just saying, it wouldn't kill you to acquire a sense of maturity in life. and i'm not merely confining this to men (its just another horrible analogy haha). some people should know the value of fun and maturity and balance it wisely (myself included) because you would hate to come to the sad realisation of misunderstanding "cool things to do when you're thirteen" and "cool things to do when you're thirteen but no longer applicable for twenty something year old sadcases." HAHA

before i go, nota bene this thought was in fact birthed out of today's inspiration- it wasn't as random as initially perceived. you see i saw my dear friend murray after over a year and we began to reminisce especially about the silly things we did as teenyboppers, what we learnt and what we will never do again as older people haha. it was a splendid day, missed that guy. so anyway, moral of the thought- be mature... be a man.

love

p.s. james dean, he's handsome and tragic simultaneously. oh how froth-worthy (real mature abi HAHA)

thought #27- matthew 7:21

 ²¹ "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 


lately i've been musing about this verse. and lately it feels as if i have been kicking this same verse in the dirt as if it were a mere candy wrapper tossed by some inconsiderate neanderthal. it's a frightening realisation and an even scarier revelation that this will occur in the near near future. to be honest, i'm finding it hard to follow in faith and be like jesus. i feel i've been behaving and living completely alternatively to what he has intended for me to be. its tragic and i'm beginning to really feel the distance now. actually i've been feeling the distance for awhile now since school has concluded.

i recall hearing many messages about temptation and living an ungodly lifestyle and to choose right, justice and love amidst the corruption of our world at school and thinking i may be tempted but no way, i can't imagine life not being a christian. suddenly you leave school and reality sets in like wet concrete and temptation suddenly becomes this enticing form of poison basically wherever you go. suddenly you have to make conscious decisions to say no to things that hinder our relationship with the Creator, suddenly you're no longer sheltered from the undignified world we live in. and as a human, the flesh is weak. very weak.

so this week has been a struggle, an internal spritual tug-of-war. i don't want to crash and burn altogether. i still believe in God. i still believe in the power of his name and the life that i'm called to follow. but i know that im unhinging, coming undone from the body that is supposed to keep me intact. as i write i find it sad and very embarrassing to be sharing this all. i feel so vulnerable and foolish but i'm really finding it difficult.

as much as having a good time and celebrating my youth is such a grand thing to do. i can't waste time knowing that i may call out lord only to be ignored. shit, its serious.

p.s. kyle's shindig was amazing! happy birthday again my dear friend :)

thought # 26- my feet are going to fall off

literally, i can almost feel them unhinge and segregate from the rest of my anatomy. today has been an eventful but tiring day. i am so worn out that as i write i no longer have the ability or discernment to realise if i'm making any sense as well as to simultaneously keep my eyes open. i am so sleepy, but its only 7:40pm... i'm not that pathetic am i? haha.

well today consisted of singing at glenwood high for the teachers as a short appreciation morning tea (a subtle outreach). then my first shift back at work occurred. im glad to recount that my new manager is a paragon and is very nice, that i still have got the hang of operating things and though my feet feel as swollen as if a thousand bees and insects have fed on them, i still love my job haha. three hour shifts do feel long but once i get the hang of it once again i can manage the monstrous ten hour one next saturday :S

after work kuan picked me up and we had (free) coffee at starbucks. it was lovely to finally get to talk to my skype friend in person with him actually remembering who i was haha. he remarked that i was quiet but i blame it upon my red feet and insomniac sleep of tossing, turning and awaking at least ever hour of the evening. after i arrived home and had a splendid catch up/ dnm with my mother. now i am about to pass out in fatigue, im so not used to early mornings and manual labour anymore haha.

nevertheless splendid day, thanks kuan for making me smile and not crashing the car haha.

love

p.s. this is really irrelevant to the post but jonathan rhys-meyers is gorgeous and will let me sleep well tonight haha.

p.p.s. my dear lord im so sleepy haha

thought #25- i feel a bit diffused

today doesn't feel like a particularly triumphant day. even as i write, i feel utterly drained and scattered like the sand a naughty child is attempting to blow into the eyes of their siblings. my day was relatively uneventful but emergencies hindered me from any festive feelings. now i feel worn down and in need of rest. well not physical rest because most of my week has been spent lazing, gorging and waking up during the most ridiculous hours of the afternoon but i guess spiritual/emotional rest. the many thoughts which have been stitched into my system, combined with this evening's ordeals have caused me to crave ridding myself of any negativity and qualms and to just focus on the bigger picture and the relationship with the Creator (of which i am in desperate need to address).

i need a mental holiday before i go into an emotional breakdown haha. im kidding its not that serious.
well i better go as tomorrow appears to be a busy day.

love

p.s. definitely feeling like transparent today. (thanks danise)

thought #24- there is no thought twenty four

literally, it feels like all the sarcastic humour/ blunt remarks/ abusive "wisdom"/ literary gymnastics and ranting that i usually possess (or like to think that i possess) appears to have disappeared today. i have nothing interesting to talk about, nothing happy or contemplative to share apart from my constant inhumane perspiring due to australia's summer heat.

perhaps my title is actually a lie. i think i have so many thoughts bubbling through my system that i can't seem to distinguish which thought is which. and find a reason as to why i'm thinking it. i am contemplating about something though. absence. for those who know me personally you may get what im talking about.

so i miss my favourite boy but this "miss" is not derived from any sappy/romantic/nauseating emotions of love. i miss the company, the best friend. i miss the assurance that everything is fine and that feelings are being felt and that we still aren't (i know that doesnt appear to make any sense at all but it does haha).

so factor one is absence. factor two is feelings. its not that im questioning my feelings, because i am certain of its presence. though at times it sways and i wonder if "not in that way" or "not anymore" or "not like i used too" has arrived, i know it still remains. factor three is others. not that i feel any of "those" feelings for other parties involved its just conversations with other parties have really made me think and subconciously re-evaluate the concept of my favourite boy and i. its weird. i think if it already feels like an inevitable gulf is between us already... what about next year? i dont know. its frightening and it feels like now i actually do care.

oh well, i do hope to playdate with him soon to figure this subconcious monster and kaffufle i am creating. i also hope he doesn't read this haha. until work resumes and life gets more busy than it already is,

love

p.s. feeling a little stuck lately. (thanks danise)

thought #23- the side effects of sleeplessness

i had, irrefutably, the worst sleep in the history of my human life last night. perhaps the viewing of paranormal activity last night contributed (although i must say that i was thoroughly disappointed, and far more bored and dizzy by the homemade filming than freaked out of my wits... the last few minutes were beginning to spark interest but suddenly the film concluded). this feeling can be likened to early ejaculation (haha) or for a more wholesome approach consuming peter's cookies and cream ice cream.  you feel bored, sickened, and about to give up when you suddenly hit the iota of a cookie bit and emotions of enjoyment and excitement burst within you... and suddenly you're ice cream bowl is empty. i must say the movie was a letdown but enough to get you paranoid especially between the hours of midnight to six am (which i am mostly awake and active haha).

anyway, after watching old re-runs of whose line is it anyway? to get me into a jovial mood before sleep i engaged in hours of tossing and turning and perspiring. i honestly felt i was in a fever like state. i couldn't fall asleep until about 5:30am, joy. i still don't feel so well... perhaps i need an early night to compensate. sickness has such perfect timing. this week will be busy with work, performances, presentation nights, movies and the like. hopefully i feel better tomorrow.

well my father just walked in with the dictionary turned to "ejaculation" because i checked it's spelling and now he thinks im a sexually aroused freak haha.

love

p.s. definitely feeling a little headless (thanks danise)

thought # 22- why do i love the things that i hate?

i ask this question in the light of my unceasing desire to watch paranormal activity and though i know fully well that i will most likely not be able to sleep for many many weeks (not that i sleep at all these days) and though i still haven't learnt my lesson since watching silence of the lambs at the tender age of five and not being able to sleep in my own room for the six years after ( it's not abnormal, just a vivid imagination HAHA) because i was thoroughly convinced that hannibal lector was going to consume my insides, i still want to watch it. *sigh*

perhaps it's human nature, our innate system that even though we fear something we still do it. even though we know its bad for us we still pursue. how carnal and fleshly haha. speaking of doing things that i loathe, i  could not sleep properly until 5 ish in the morning which resulted in an unproductive morning with a headache, empty stomach and apathetic mood. i cannot stand this feeling yet cannot bring myself to doze off at the normal time normal people decide to sleep. perhaps its because i'm not normal at all haha.

well to recount, ari's party was a success and it twas pleasant seeing many brilliant faces that i have not seen in so long. now the weekend is almost over and things such as work, movies, presentation night and  life comes before me. sorry i don't have much to say or any profound words or thoughts to challenge, convict and abuse haha. it's definitely the absence of sleep getting to me haha. have a splendid rest of the weekend.

love

p.s. this will definitely be making me sleep well tonight. james franco you gorgeous man.

thought #21- epiphanies are delicious

good afternoon humanity, i have awoken from my twelve hour slumber (horrible i know, ive given up sleeping times. its a method of merely waking up and sleeping these days... day, afternoon and evening are foreign concepts to me now haha) with lovely feelings i would like to share. first, i've fallen in love with a stranger who i will disclose as mr portugal from www.lookbook.nu and my friend joseph rana will probably be the only to fully comprehend this stalker/perverted/foolish frothing. gorgeous, gorgeous man he is. second, it has been on my heart to sponser a child for some time now. i believe now with my financial stability becoming a reality with work and now with my desire to no longer remain complacent, i really want to pursue this. so i was on the compassion website and i believe i have found my child. i haven't selected him yet for i have the weekend to seek, pray and decide but i really do believe i've found him. once it's official i will gush about my new child. third, i got this epiphany. not really, more like an idea that excited me haha. after watching the official trailer for the adorable mockumentary paper heart starring the cute and awkward michael cera and an asian comedian by the name of charlyne yi i was compelled to write a book/short story/script... to be honest the medium is still unknown. i'm finally getting inspired to write again, hoorah! the creativity drought has been broken.

i will go into details when details have been made. now i shall go to dry my tangled locks and ready myself before ari's 18th shindig tonight. it shall be grand.

love

p.s. out on dvd jan 13 in australia. cosy night in with a skeptic and romantic? wait that sounds familiar haha.

thought # 20- i don't like using my brain

when i don't need to. let me elaborate. lately things have occurred, which for the sake of dignity and confidentiality of those involved i will disclose, which have made me think. ponder, muse, brood... however you like to describe the process that occurs when one person says something that makes you doubt/question/re-think fragments of your life, relationships and the quotidian routine. it's not a bad thing of course, however, sometimes it causes you to look back to things which have remained dormant or lacked attention for quite some time.

sometimes its not something you desire to face at this point in life, but sometimes it must be done. similarly to having to take cough medicine which tastes like a sugary version of ass and can make you vomit at the sickening feeling it summons. though the remedy is foul it must be done to avoid a small cold from emerging into a mess of an illness. i believe "these thoughts" i've been experiencing lately are exactly that. a slap in the face and a far deeper look into reality.

to be honest these thoughts are not something which i personally desire to experience. for me it feels like i have to deal with things that i don't need to deal with. then i begin to overanalyse and feel like i'm trying to find a solution to a situation or relationship in life which was never a problem in the first place. but in my case right now "these thoughts" have come to my advantage. it has actually made me re-evaluate and thus value the relationships that i do have and it has once again reminded me of what i desire to do in the future and what i want out of life and what i must do. so i guess these circumstances arise like a double edged sword. they can internally slice and hack through things that could cause permanent damage, but on the other hand they can heal and create worth for things that have been taken for granted. so i encourage everyone, once you get that thought, use it to remind yourself of why you live, who you love and what is most important to your transitory existence haha.

apologies if this didn't make sense at all, its still processing in my mind as we speak haha.

love

p.s. i couldn't find a brain on a platter (literally) but this is a splendid picture. (courtesy of http://slightlybored.tumblr.com/)

thought # 19- i'm a failure

at keeping promises relating to anything regarding my sleeping patterns. i profess i am an insomniac and i probably need help but my laziness is hindering me from ever going professional haha. so i awoke at a horrible almost 3pm today, which makes me feel like the day has already eradicated and i feel sloth- like and utterly disgusting. to be honest, the remaining hours of the day in which i spent being awake are a mere blur except for attending powerhouse for the first time. i must say the atmosphere is soooo different but i personally adored it. it was very laid-back, quiet, mature and pleasant. i think i shall be enjoying wednesday evenings in the company of 18-25 year olds haha. that being said, i truly do miss wildlife and the ecstatic, craziness that occurs (i will attempt to visit whenever i gain the opportunity). its quite odd having friday nights free for once. it almost feels like i should be at this non-existent gathering that i am creating subconsciously as part of my routine week haha. but now i should be happy to have friday nights free to engage in other things... such as watching movies!

my goodness this summer has blossomed with an incredible line up of movies. some of the following im intending to see include:

• iheart movie.
• where the wild things are.
• zombieland.
• bright star (i think its called that).
• nowhere boy.
• moonlight cinemas and drive-ins

i cannot wait to turn into a squared film whore. i am beyond excited. until next time my dear friends,

love

p.s. the summer playdate. second row: myself. tenth/eleventh row: favourite boy haha.

(thanks danise)

thought # 18- i feel empowered when speaking to my computer

on a camera of course. not the mere inanimate object that it is (though i secretly indulge in conversing to things which i know will never respond and thus secure my victory in every arguement). there really is something hilariously self-centred, amusing and fun ranting, laughing and singing in front of a camera knowing very well that a fragment of your life and an excerpt into your personal world is being recorded for all to see, scrutinise and hopefully appreciate. this is what my dear friend joseph rana and i decided to fill our afternoon with. we recorded a request for the youtube channel i still wonder why i have in the first place, before having watched a sappy ( but not sappy or sad enough due to the survival of the female protagonist in the movie...) old school film called love affair.

in between self-controlled gorging and chatter regarding love, life and all it encompasses, we decided to have an impromptu jamming session, involving made-up riffs and spontaneous rhymes. it was delightful and fun and moreso pathetic through each song we started but never seemed to conclude. i must say today was delightful. sadly though i was called for work in the morning but due to my prior commitment, i could not attend to my manager's desperation in needing someone to cover. i hope she really did, i feel guilty... sorry :(  nevertheless, i shall end today's ramble here. far more shorter than usual but there is not much to share. i am excited about powerhouse tomorrow eve! my first one, i shall let you all know.

love

p.s. we evidently made alot of noise today haha. (another masterpiece of http://otarie.tumblr.com)

thought # 17- i don't want to be nocturnal anymore

i realised this when i awoke at almost 2pm today and suddenly came to the frightening reality that in one hour school would have concluded and i have skipped breakfast and also lunch and i feel like a bloated monstrous, lazy pile of mass. it was not a pleasant feeling. its not my intention to stay up ridiculously late every night but i do believe its my odd sleeping patterns and nanna napping that has contributed to my ridiculous amounts of snoozing. so i am now officially starting a regime which includes being in bed by midnight, waking up no later than 10am, exercising, detoxing and consuming at least three meals a day (reminder to self: coffee is not considered a meal). with work beginning again next week i can no longer afford the luxury of sleeping in anyway, which in itself is a blessing in disguise.

i have much to look forward to and plenty of busyness honing in on my little life during the end months of this year. i cannot believe its christmas so soon, i cannot believe its december already. where has 2009 gone? how scary yet splendid. this year has been certainly one of the best and all that has occurred has proven delight, romance, goodbyes and intense stress is all part of this lifetime. well i don't have much to blog on so apologies if thought 17 is boring... i am personally struggling from not resting my head against the keyboard of the laptop and entering into a british-french fuelled stupor in a puddle of my own saliva. oh this summer looks perspiringly delightful! i am looking forward to participating in money-making (aka work), frolicking with my handsome friends, resting underneath an umbrella on the beach, being lavished with presents at christmastime haha, visiting a drive- in movie in pajamas and armed with popcorn, playdates with new friends, old companions and of course getting lost (literally and figuratively) with my favourite boy.

love

 p.s. summer objective: being young and restless. what i intend to do in the near future.
p.p.s. in case you're bored haha  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvZtSIWUwP4 

thought # 16- j'ai ennuyé

translated into english: "i'm bored." 

forgive me if i'm incorrect in formulating the sentence but i'm a french wannabe remember? who recently discovered her oxford french mini dictionary for year seven french class with good old mrs macdonald (mach-doh-naaaald). oh the memories of early high school and reading from those infamous taped stories, singing that abominable song which somehow managed to include e-bay courtesy of joshua baissari's translations, and our routine greeting of:

mrs m (in her pompous but refined french accent): bonjour la class!
class (in a half arsed french accent, often accompanied with laughter and groans): bonjour madame macdonald...
mrs m: ca va?
class: tres bien merci, ca va?
mrs m: tres bien, si asseoir vous


haha the only reason i really remember this, is because of the first lesson we ever had in which began speaking to us as if we had the faint idea of how to speak or understand french. it was moreso amusing that she got annoyed at us after failing to respond to her "bonjour la class!" haha but i must give her credit. she wasn't a horrible teacher.

well since finally retrieving this delicate paraphernalia and reminiscing about all that this handy dictionary embodied, i suddenly desired to learn how to speak, in all seriousness and reality. i have even resorted in calling my parents mére and pére which i must say is quite fun. i want to learn french. i want to, even if it is only through their delicate amazing language, feel like a beautiful french woman which i personally envy. so as far as european affiliations go, i am in love with british boys and accents and adore the fine french felines (Julia Restoin Roitfield, Lou Dillion, Andrea Tatou, Coco Chanel etc. ) and the language. one day i shall visit the dirty paris streets and the cold londonside and become captive and romantic of places i only croire and pray to God Almighty that i shall see. 

amour

p.s. picture taken for the november issue of french vogue.
pps. sorry if you think it's lewd, but it personally captures the essence of everything french. the borderline porn/sex appeal, romance, naughtiness, and unrealistically handsome and stick thin models. so  very french haha.

thought # 15- hoola hooping is not dead

just ask my parents. they are convinced after reading an article regarding this woman who (with the contribution of a healthy diet, other forms of exercise and inhumane amounts of self-control) dropped 3-4 dress sizes by hoola hooping everyday. so after this inspiring article, they bought a hoola hoop at crazy petes and have now added to their regime of walking together everyday by hoola hooping.

as a mere spectator and encourager (this title is questionable) i must say that their practise of the art of maintaining a circular ring across your hips for as long as you can is hilarious. it is so entertaining, watching as my parents in all their adorableness, jiggle their way through lovehandles and watch as they perspire in an attempt to keep this single hoop around their body. its like watching the olympics. you feel the pressure and the dissapointment each time the hoop hits the ground, you sense the unspoken competition between the two and most of all you witness the moments of glory as they break their previous personal bests and congratulate through laughter as they rub their bruised knees and sore backs. it really is a sport.

im still trying to convince them to buy another and go tandem hoola hooping, but they don't believe they're at that stage yet. all this twisting and twirling and exercise makes me wish that i had actually learnt how to hoola hoop in my younger years. but being the lazy resident of our humble abode, i prefer watching and exploding with laughter at witnessing my parents exercise regimes. however i have a good feeling that it will no longer be funny when they eventually drop a few dress sizes and look amazing, having mastered the art of hoola hooping. whilst i remain uneducated and far from being in shape haha.

love

N.B. i can't find the camera but as soon as i do i shall post a picture of the infamous hoola hoop.
p.s. if my parents end up reading this, im sorry for revealing your personal exclusive exercise regime. you're still pretty cool.

thought # 14- i have a conviction

its not everyday that i pay attention to thorns at my sides (no matter how gapingly open they appear to be). lately i've realised how self-centred i've been. i mean just observe my last thirteen entries. most, if not all are encompassing my whims, why i hate my legs, why i think aaron johnson and ruby rose are gorgeous, what i look forward to in the near future and other irrelevant and frivolous detail. though i enjoy every minute of wallowing and contemplating in details of my life i guess i haven't even spent one entry on the most important thing that really matters. believe it or not it's JESUS.

i think it would be easier to be postmodernist, atheist, humanist and rely upon human might and the natural forces of our being to dictate our morals, absolute power, the existence of heaven, hell or the nothingness in between. i think it would be much easier to agree that truth is relative and what is my cup of earl grey may not necessarily be yours hence we should just accept the fact that we are both correct. i think it would even be easier to go on a thrilling theological debate regarding philosophies and other theories only our human minds can comprehend to an extent before we return to the daunting question of "so is there a God?"

but im not smart. i would lose a literary, philosophical debate because i only have evidence on the basis of faithfulness and goodness over my own life and the life of others. yes i am a witness and a receiver but that is not satisfying for theorists who layer their lives on "half-truths" and "partially corrects." so i thought it apt to at least dedicate one entry (before i return to a tangent and yak about my trivial life) on why life is not complete without Jesus.

so i don't like the term religion, or being phrased "oh you're religious." because frankly religion is a man made way of trying to box Jesus in. not cool. yes you may have heard it plenty of times but it is true. relationship. its not enough to recognise the word, the name, the wonder if you don't even have the guts to thank him for your big mac before consuming it. im not being sacrilegious or condemning because its a personal struggle i deal with daily. sometimes i screw it up, actually i screw it up a lot. sometimes i end the day on a happy note, others on a horrible one. but the difference is that i still manage to wake up every morning and try again. try to love the way he first loved us.

so it may be harder to believe in Jesus, even harder to love him but its the hardest not to do so. i hope one day people realise that its not about being cool, its not about being in a cool church, its not about being anything more than what would make Jesus proud.

love

p.s. into the palpitating organ of jesus and the church.

thought # 13- i tend to scare the boys away

this is actually a title from a song i composed circa 2006. embarrassing i know. i don't think i will ever publish this piece of musical tantrum because frankly it makes me sound like a sadistic, desperate woman (not that i already do sound like one haha). anyway so i stayed awake until 3ish in the early morn wasting precious slumber time by flicking through and re- reading eleven notebads/books/diaries dated from as early as 2004 to early 2009 regarding my eventful, pathetic, tragic and glorious love life. i must comment that i was thoroughly intrigued by my own thought processes and moreso relieved that i have matured when it comes to dealing with broken hearts, frustrated one-sided affections, the other girl and the monstrous idea of being "just friends." it felt like another stab at nostalgia, as i reminded myself of who i was infatuated with at certain times...  true it was enough to make me cringe and think to myself "i actually said/wrote/thought/felt that?!" but nevertheless reading such past entries truly gave me a bout of nausea and pleasantness,  similarly to when you have downed ridiculous amounts of alcohol and feeling invincible for the first ten minutes then suddenly contracting that feeling of wanting to regurgitate your internal organs out onto the toilet bowl. (sorry gross analogy again!).

so i was happy to read what i had thought and felt during those past years but it also felt like a punch in the gut or a slap in the face. to realise how pathetic i had been and moreso disappointed in myself to think that i was foolish in believing some of these crushes were beyond the fantasy world of my hopeless romantic self. it was sad to think that nothing ever became of all my dramatic entries and squeals of adoration scribbled onto paper. but believe me i really am over it. i have nothing to complain about romantic wise, being in a brilliant "its complicated HAHA" relationship with an amazing guy who supersedes all past male affiliations (sorry that's as sappy as i can go). but it of course makes you think, as you read each entry and laugh at how idiotic you sound.

but oh well, i was young and idealistic. these days im more practical and reasonable in my quest for the "perfect man" or "prince" as my thirteen year old whims used to title it haha. there is no real lesson to be learnt or moral to be discovered by this. another random thought exposing another layer of myself. fall in love i say, document each time he makes you feel like you want to throw up because he's just adorable, comment on every time you want to compensate a horrible date, another arguement, an eventual break up with ice cream, tissues and a best friend. laugh out loud at the list you have conjured entitled "25 reasons why i like..." remark on how pathetic you are because you can't get over him even after attempting to brainwash yourself with unrealistic chick flicks and gorgeous men who you will most likely never meet in your lifetime then read over them in a few years. then you'll understand that euphoric nausea i'm talking about haha.

love

p.s. love- the beater, you- person in the bowl, your lover- bowl haha. (courtesy of danise and http://otarie.tumblr.com)

thought # 12- if i was a lesbian

i would froth over ruby rose, heck the fact is i'm straight and already do. i had a dream about her last night, hence the inspiration for this stalker-like fan dedication regarding this beautiful woman. the dream involved myself attempting to sing a song for ruby on the occassion of her birthday party, however, pamela anderson was in the way and constantly trying to hog the mic (i believe she was drunk). it was comical but i think i was in awe of ruby to even care.  i must say i woke up a happy woman. there is really something about that girl. perhaps its the way she conveys a carefree, sophisticated, sultry, trendy yet unconventional aura. beyond the fact that she is gorgeous physically and i love every inch of her including her tattooed sleeve and bleached pixie which most people would look shit and try- hard, she exudes a ferocity and is comical and witty- traits girls would love to adopt and men wish that more women had haha (i am just being honest, i dont think i even make the cut). nevertheless one day i wish to meet her in person, and explode internally and attempt to hold my tounge and not gush out at how amazing she is haha.

onto another point, today was a scorcher, which i personally found appealing since yesterday's weather wanted you to pop 79257 pills and lie in your bed whilst awaiting for the side effects to corrode your body (haha im kidding, just being dramatic). i must say i engaged in productive activity, cleaning my room and sorting through the piles of ancient paraphernalia, report cards, love letters etc. tomorrow i am excited to be celebrating one of my dear friends and sister's of bonds stronger than blood birthday for dinner. it has been awhile so i am beyond excited. well before my face explodes and my limbs turn into a roasted dinner (because my room is the hottest in summer, coldest in winter, loudest all year round GRR!) i shall be off.

love

p.s. i'd like to try that someday (thanks danise).

thought # 11- nostalgia

today my primary school best friend, who i have not personally seen in over two years, came over for a girls day in. it really was eventful and splendid, gorging and catching up on life, love and reminding ourselves at how pathetically lame we were in the glory days of primary education. it made me realise how much i truly missed her but im glad feelings of awkwardness are absent even after many years have seperated us. the day was spent chattering about the drunken fiascos and hookups at schoolies, boyfriends and commitment, the past, future and university, then watched bride wars (which only compelled us to get married and plan the perfect wedding... but knowing me that won't be for another eight years minimum haha), experimented on our locks and grimaces with make-up and ate like heffers. it was delightful, despite the tragic, depressing weather.

i guess chances such as these make you realise the value of childhood friends and reminds you of how time passes in this world. it really is insane. but we should really cherish friends such as the ones that knew you from the time picking your nose wasn't offensive, shared in your delight when $2 could allow you to purchase the entire canteen, agreed that year 12 kids were the next thing to parents and God Almighty, cheered you up when the boy you like held hands with another, fought over things like non-existent pokemon and loved you regardless of your crappy haircut and lovehandles.

really, i do encourage you to catch up with them. give them a call, send them a comment on facebook, write them a letter. i think i shall aim to meet up with all my beloved old friends before we continue to say "ill do it tomorrow" and find ourselves living in twenty years later.

love

p.s. edwina kwong and i. we still think we're cool haha.

thought # 10- i want to write again

i came to this conclusion after attempting to clean my desktop on the mac this morning and discovered a section of my extension 2 major work which i never ended up including in the actual story. for my fellow extension 2 friends you may remember my original intention of including a third objective voice in the story but i scraped it soon after. i re read the piece which brought feelings of both nostalgia and inspiration to write once more. i guess just for fun and with plenty of time on my hands i can no longer complain about busyness... the concept is no longer valid during this three month bludge haha. i thought i would share the extract with you all. for context's sake, this chaos theory styled excerpt basically shows how the main protagonist (insane, middle aged caucasian male) is connected to his ex wife (who has become a lesbian and who he still love but loathes for leaving him) whether he is conscious of their correlation or not. its not brilliant but it reminded me of why i adore to write. it really is written regurgitation.

A middle aged Caucasian male, on his way to a bed store, walks unaccompanied but acts as if he is not.  Due to his distracted state, he bumps into a short grey-haired Asian woman who seizes the culprit with her furrowed eyebrows and murmurs something under her breath in her native tongue before proceeding to walk. This short grey-haired Asian woman stops to look at the fruits being sold by a dark- haired, pale-faced (suspiciously ill ) local fruit vendor. This fruit vendor is not particularly in the mood to strike a conversation and so remains silent, bored and pensive whilst chewing fresh tobacco leaves and sipping unpleasant watered- down coffee. The fruit vendor purchased this coffee earlier in the morning at a 24-hour fast food chain. It was in this chain that the fruit vendor participated in a bitter and rather vexing exchange of words by an impatient young fresh- from- university graduate running late for an important job interview. This famished graduate is running late due to a traffic jam strewn across and obstructing all main highways into the city. This inconvenient traffic jam is the result of another impatient driver who has attempted to beat the nimble red light and has collided with the adjacent vehicles, initiating an infelicitous and unwanted game of dominoes. This impatient driver happens to have actually been on the phone to a man trying to deliver her new king size wooden bed and mattress in chestnut brown. Whilst deliberating the best time for them both, the impatient driver briefly looses focus and thinks that the light has just turned ember. This deliveryman, who has just concluded a baffling delivery confirmation, is walking out of the store to his truck near- by passing a lady walking adamantly in the direction of the outlet. This lady is startled by the stentorian complaints out of car windows and deafening beeps from horns, wondering to herself, what possibly could have started such heavy congestion. 

explanation:

This shows a comical chaos theory style connection that the man and his ex wife have. It is through the normal everyday moments of life that bring familiarity between them. Shows that they truly belong whether they are conscious of it or not, whether they are physically together or not. A break from the two completely subjective and emotional “stories”/ voices of the two. The third voice is almost a comic relief… an objective voice that shows that their belonging is beyond feelings and love… they belong simply because.

love

p.s. another treasure from danise's tumblr haha.

thought # 9- i miss being white

compared to the rest of my schoolies companions who returned with glorious shades of brown and slight burns, i truly benefited from hiding underneath an umbrella from each beach session that occurred. still. i'm just being slightly grouser about my pigment. especially in the shower, i groan at the mottled brown limbs that have emerged and my pimply face which has resulted from extreme heat (this is an overeactive superficial muse).

nevertheless, schoolies week has been and as i have mentioned in a facebook status the most deranged, sickening, splendid, interesting, amazing week ever! excessive amounts of synonyms cannot truly capture the essence of living with a herd of hormonal, independent, almost always intoxicated and liberated youth. truly it was an experience of many "firsts" and "unexpectedness." i cannot believe how quickly time has eradicated our stay; with our late nights playing twister under the influence, early mornings with headaches and the sun piercing our eyes like forks and knives to impentrable steak, cooking and cleaning like adults, and lazing around in the company of cute strangers and splendid friends at the beach. 


so much has truly occurred. would i ever do it again? hell yes! of course there were some nights which i fear to ever repeat such as monday night where one moment i was screaming verbal orgasms (i know this sounds superbly suss but believe me there were no loses of virginity in the process), then i downed some tequila (combined with other assorted beverages) and next i found the toilet lid had become a pillow and below was that butt burning spicy thai i had for dinner (many thanks to samantha for cleaning [and consoling] my vomit and connor who tied my hair back whilst i vomited haha). i woke up feeling horrible but regretting nothing haha oh dear.


but then there were lovely days and nights such as staying up till 4am with new found friends (thanks kate :P),  fingal bay beach, discovering cheap cds and a pretty bag at the markets, gorging on baskin and robbins and fresh hot chips authentically wrapped with paper and love, and watching adventureland (i personally adored the film). i believe the cooking process was also quite enjoyable and playing families was frustrating yet valuable. all in all there were moments of joy, tiredness, iritation but joy. i believe everyone who participated would concur that the week was splendid and a repeat would be adored by all.


so i guess i am relieved and saddened by the end of our schoolies fun. however, each day is a precious memory from unexpected "friendliness," waking up spooning your good guy friends, after- dinner drinks in the heat of the australian spring, listening to empire state of mind on repeat in your best friends car, numerous photos and videos and being reminded of just how splendid your high school mates really are is truly priceless. i love you all, really. beyond the sentimentality haha.



p.s. the view of salamander bay from the balcony of our house. oh how i miss schoolies already!

thought # 8- i want to like animals

i really do. i think back to all the numerous occasions when i have fled from canines who make sweet love to your leg or look like they could maul you in a few seconds, or flinch at harmless rabbits and other creatures. and now i really want to push past my trauma and personality disorder to accept and love animals. i know im naturally not an animal lover since i never grew up in the presence of a best friend dog or a lazy feline. but i guess this random thought really challenges me now to think otherwise.

i don't think i could ever live in a zoo or own thousands of assorted creatures but i am trying my best to not cringe at the sight of an animal who is licking their lips at the sight of my limbs haha (a sort of declaration, i guess). well its 10:40am (the first time to wake before 12:30 since the abolition of school) and i'm skyping with my dear friend kuan before he is to leave for malaysia... i really am sad to see him go. but on the other hand, there is schoolies to think about tomorrow and a week long adventure to explore. i am beyond excited at the endless euphoria we shall experience lazing around at the beach, cooking and making mess together, talking until the late hours of the morning about life and no doubt drinking the same amount.

it will be sad though to know that this may possibly be the last until another few years before the group is to reunite and this time we shall be young adults with possible mortgages, spouses, careers and children at our hips. so i believe this will be a time to celebrate youthfulness and life beyond the hsc. now all we have to do is wait for the results. my goodness i am so nervous, i almost do not want to receive any marks back. but my apprehension is extinguished by the truth that He has it all within the palm of his hand. so i shall pray and believe that the system hasn't screwed me over or further i havent screwed my future over and shall be given a chance at the uni life i  have so pathetically mused about since the beginning of time.

well i shall be off, a nanna nap calls and i shall see you all in a week.
love

p.s. why i want to love animals. thanks again danise, you really do beautify my entries (http://otarie.tumblr.com)

thought # 7- if i befriended a murderer

apart from the fact that i may not survive to see tomorrow, i would ask them why they would choose such a profession...  such a label. i am not one to judge and will never despite how horrid the crime may be but you can't help wonder what possesses a man to cut throats and dismember bodies as if they were cows in an abattoir. human evil is such an intricate, scary thing. mainly because it is within our fallen nature and we ultimately have some running through our veins. but then again, i would never chop someone's head or point a shotgun at someone's face. because no matter how many times a murderer will say that this life is a bastard and this world is out to get them, i am only reminded of who i am accountable to at the end of the day and who's presence i will be before when judgement day comes.

perhaps im odd but i really do pity murderers who have lived a lonely life, whose upbringings and experiences compel them to discard the value of human life. reading in cold blood (as i mentioned in a previous thought) made me somehow wish if only the murderers were brought up with love, with a revelation of who they really are beyond the carnalities and horrors of their own lives. if only they knew it wasn't too late before they walked up to the planks and were hung on that fateful day of 1965 (i personally don't approve of capital punishment and see that it isn't our role to decide upon life and death). perhaps its me but even the most cruel, sadistic being is not beyond the ability to find hope and affinity. i was looking at photos of perry smith and dick hickock and when you analyse their grimaces you can see a veneer of pride that is only present to mask how hurt and lost they really are.

so if i ever befriended a murderer perhaps i would come to cherish the precious gift of human life and without any fingers being pointed or claims on whose to blame, i am in utter respect for people who can forgive their loved one's killers (like the virk family) and i actually sympathise with murderers... no i don't condone what they do and i don't see it right in any way, but if jesus could love and forgive wretches like me and other murderers, adulterers, frauds etc. who are we to not? 


love

 

p.s. photos of perry smith and truman capote (top) and dick hickock (bottom) the murderers of the clutter family in 1959. there is something so beautiful about these photos, you almost forget they're murderers and remind yourself they're first human beings.

thought # 6- i think i just gained five kilos

really, i think i just gained another stomach and a half at the thought of finally having concluded my hsc. its the most relieving feeling in the universe. like that emotion you get after consuming a gallon of your favourite ice cream and despite the knowledge that you're about regurgitate or explode you're just too happy to really care. or when you know that person you like is totally into you without any need for speech. or after you've relieved yourself from a long road trip when you thought you were about to shit all over your brother in the car (haha sorry, graphic and gross). what i really was intending to capture from all these similes is that i have that feeling of utter relief and happiness. now i can sleep tonight knowing that i don't have to know the difference between observations and action research, nor do i ever have to apply a log function or know what year pericles died. thank you jesus. 

so now there is a world to conquer and so much time to spare. this freedom is almost making me giddy to be honest but i am glad. speaking of jesus i had the most amazing encounter last night. i was praying about society and asking for confidence and any apprehensions to be dispelled and this verse continually came into mind "philippians 4:6" to be honest i couldn't recall what the actual verse was so i scavanged for my bible among the load of papers and clothing in my pig sty of a bedroom and finally found it. and it was "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." and i thought oh my goodness, you are good! haha i knew the verse but it came at such a perfect time and it felt all fear was blanketed over his amazing promise. i don't believe it was coincidental but i know that i slept well that night haha.

thats all i wanted to really share haha. enjoy the day friends!
love




p.s. so i tweeted this to my friend jem the other day and i believe it captures the essence of what im feeling right now haha.

thought # 5- i miss dead people

as i woke up today, i was reminded about a family friend who had passed away a few months ago this year  and though i did not weep inconsolably and wet my bedding, i was honestly sentimental about it. i suddenly missed the small, petty things that completed who she was like the way she chuckled and showered you with kisses upon your check, her little scuttle across our old church kitchen room, things that you don't consider as important when they are still alive. but somehow when they're dead those trivialities are somewhat immortalised in memory.

i experienced the same feeling whilst watching movies, like that latest heath ledger movie... the imaginarium (i won't even try to finish this title) and stand by me starring the adorably tough river pheonix. it dawns upon you how amazing they are and suddenly they're gone. no longer existing on this earth like the rest of us. then of course there is mj and other people who have departed this year.

oh and i think immersing myself in in cold blood by truman capote has created the same effect. i can't get over the clutter family massacre and how the murderers had no real motivation but rob human life... mindblowing.

which takes me to the essence of today's thought. how quick and ephemeral life is. how one moment you're sitting typing away a blog about how eccentric your brain can be to lying in a corpse with that half-smile and morgue maked- up face in a pretty dress that doesn't belong to you (sorry im not being offensive or morbid... im just emphasising the nimbleness of time haha). i think we often take that for granted and place much pressure of a world that will not exist when a new heaven and earth is made. live life beyond your own selfishness, i say. enjoy everything this world can offer but be mindful of the next and make this life one that counts (im still personally trying to learn this all) :)
 
so, perhaps its me but you really do miss dead people.

love

p.s. thanks danise, i love your site.

thought # 4- self advertising and smiling

self advertising is overrated and despicable. well then call me overrated and despicable because i'm about to promote myself, in the most humble way possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0moC6EixZA 
please watch and enjoy friends!

http://www.twitter.com/AbigailAnnCruz

on a less egotistical note, i received a lovely message from my favourite boy which made me smile. and i spent last night learning how to skype with kuan which also made me smile. i think the days are getting so much more brighter now that the suffocating cloud of the hsc is finally evaporating- one left on wednesday! then there is so much more to look forward to- schoolies, work, a three month bludge, christmas shopping, life in general. how grand. i am in a particularly pleasant mood as i write so i really have nothing morbid to add except that things are euphoric and despite having to push on through horrible study (that i am intending to bludgeon), i am hopeful and optimistic about life ahead and finally being a university student and enjoying youthfulness in its horrible yet splendid totality.

short and sweet this evening friends but hopefully you feel the same way too. happiness is relative but joy is internal and perpetual if your source of strength is founded upon the Creator. i feel like laughing at myself, i think i will. 


love

p.s. i found this on a tumblr page, i must thank that site it has so many inspiring, beautiful and scary photos that make me smile.

thought # 3- why i love androgony

dear boyfee,

i know this may sound like a love letter rather than a blog, but i see this apt and believe you do too. it has been 13 incredible years and at your request i would like to remind you by my new penchant- listing.

11 reasons why i adore eleanor clark.

1. she's my boyfriend (personal joke folks)- the only one i know who will never leave, bicker and annoy me and is very tolerant to third parties within our relationship.
2. she's splendid company- from shopping trips, perving on men in suits at the city and coffee playdates, she listens, shares and is obviously a very beautiful piece of arm candy.
3. we're both nerds in our own ways- her obvious ocd for things rhyming with bent, dickhead (i wasnt meaning to be offensive... what possibly rhymes with wicked?) and bamtam, only shows unhealthy dedication.
4. we did and are still doing life together- especially these last two years of high school. it has been amazing getting to know her many boy dilemmas and advocacy for pathetic sappiness haha.
5. she laughs at me- in a non-malicious manner (though sometimes she may secretly do so but i forgive her) and seems to understand my horrible sense of humour.
6. she makes me laugh- purloin is not a steak, remember? 
7. she's lame- it's forgivable seeing as i am too.
8. she trusts me- with so much, even i question her. 
9. she likes me- genuinely. this can be questionnable but we haven't had any misunderstandings yet so i'd like to retain this assumption.
10. she likes asian food- meaning she's not racist or white supremist. she embraces asians and in return we asians embrace her with our delectable cuisine.
11. she's real- in all seriousness (not that i wasnt serious about the ten other points haha), she is the most raw, wholehearted individual you will meet. her humility and transparency is astounding and she is an incredible blessing to my life.

haha there you go, you owe me one clark.

love

p.s. remember this evening, when we went to the leichardt forum and decided we wanted to live here... but then the airplanes became a problem? haha