thought #27- matthew 7:21

 ²¹ "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 


lately i've been musing about this verse. and lately it feels as if i have been kicking this same verse in the dirt as if it were a mere candy wrapper tossed by some inconsiderate neanderthal. it's a frightening realisation and an even scarier revelation that this will occur in the near near future. to be honest, i'm finding it hard to follow in faith and be like jesus. i feel i've been behaving and living completely alternatively to what he has intended for me to be. its tragic and i'm beginning to really feel the distance now. actually i've been feeling the distance for awhile now since school has concluded.

i recall hearing many messages about temptation and living an ungodly lifestyle and to choose right, justice and love amidst the corruption of our world at school and thinking i may be tempted but no way, i can't imagine life not being a christian. suddenly you leave school and reality sets in like wet concrete and temptation suddenly becomes this enticing form of poison basically wherever you go. suddenly you have to make conscious decisions to say no to things that hinder our relationship with the Creator, suddenly you're no longer sheltered from the undignified world we live in. and as a human, the flesh is weak. very weak.

so this week has been a struggle, an internal spritual tug-of-war. i don't want to crash and burn altogether. i still believe in God. i still believe in the power of his name and the life that i'm called to follow. but i know that im unhinging, coming undone from the body that is supposed to keep me intact. as i write i find it sad and very embarrassing to be sharing this all. i feel so vulnerable and foolish but i'm really finding it difficult.

as much as having a good time and celebrating my youth is such a grand thing to do. i can't waste time knowing that i may call out lord only to be ignored. shit, its serious.

p.s. kyle's shindig was amazing! happy birthday again my dear friend :)