thought #255- the last leg

and so my north gower days are almost over and another part of my london town adventures comes to a close. how is it possible for 3 months to feel like 3 days and how can i feel so attached to people i feel like i've just met? this whole semester has been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions and ethereal experiences. i am so glad i chose to end my undergraduate degree on the other side of the world, engaged in true, standard student life. the feeling is bittersweet, part of me wishes i still had more time to be young and careless, sleep-deprived, perpetually baked, intoxicated and constantly on heat. it has been such a surreal time here. the friendships i've established, the moments that tested us all, the petty arguments, the exposure of real people's characters, the infamous bathtimes and the family dinners. everything has been such a lesson learnt. london has truly opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. it's broadened physical and psychological perspectives and it's really motivated me to strive more for the future. i can't complain, this semester has surpassed all others.

as much as i look forward to the comforts of home, familiarity and reality, part of me doesn't want to say farewell to life here. change is such a double edged sword. it's a ridiculous tease, the moment you feel you're comfortable and complacent, than bam! change and life take each other by the hand and fuck around with your existence and emotions and forces you to adapt once again. i actually thought to myself, what if i never meet any of these people again? it's disheartening and i hope we don't just all fade away into banality, however, especially since i naturally reside in the southern hemisphere this could potentially be a reality. i hope that when we do meet again, we'll all be content, happy and be where we want to be at that exact moment of our lives. that we'll scream at having seen each other again, provide innumerable embraces and european kisses and compliment each other on how well we've aged. we'll talk about the present and future over a good feed and bottles of wine, but dedicate time to reminisce on these north gower days, laughing about the people we kissed, the hysterical fits, the late night maccas runs, the time we made brownies, passing out after a bottle of wine and the night we had to carry so and so to bed. hopefully we can look back, with more understanding and maturity and feel like that time had to be experienced in order to appreciate, value and accept the change of what we have now and what we will have one day.

love,

ps. going to miss this crazy bunch. so much love for them all x

thought #151- same mirror, different reflection

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2009

2010

i must say, alot of things have changed since last year. irrespective of the obvious lack of locks (and probably the university stress induced weight gain), i personally feel like a different person. some aspects i am glad to say for the better,  some i must secretly confide in saying for the worst. to be honest, i didn't expect the alteration of life to occur at such a huge and far reaching extent. i mean i was aware and prepared for things to be differently, for different friends, a vastly different atmosphere, a change and challenge in everything i knew and believed in. but it still took me by surprise. life still shocks, even when we knew it would happen.

i question whether i have matured. maybe so. my priorities in life have definitely been challenged. everything that i love and dwell have also been challenged. i guess when your suddenly brought into a place where you actually have to think twice. where people are not as forgiving and loving as the saviour you worship and adore, it really rattles the bones and spirit. i have to say i am different. i'm not as naive, i'm not as cemented. i'm not as sure but neither am i not as wimpy enough to be swayed from side to side. i know i'm not the same as i was previously. whether that is a good thing or bad thing still remains in question every single day.

love,

thought #88- i need a saviour from myself

redemption. its a frightening, amazing word. this morning i awoke musing upon the past moments of life. it made me smile, cringe, laugh, hesitate, sigh at everything that my world has currently been surrounded by. i couldn't help think to myself, how change and choice is so rapid in transforming ways, thoughts, lifestyles. i actually felt like i needed to a redemption of my own. 

i know it may sound blasphemous or shocking but this morning, sitting in church i realised some things. i havent been living very well. i truly haven't given myself an allowance from existence and life. these days feel dead internally. i feel busy with uni, warped by good times, peppered with nasty habits and packaged by alot of distance. im not being emo or anything, i'm just facing reality. i stand back and look at the canvas of my life and all i see is gaps. gaps and inconsistencies. one minute i want to be back into the arms of my Creator, feeling the heartbeat of my church, my family, my purpose. one minute i want to run back and bask in His presence and want nothing selfish but to repent. then one minute i am flung into the world. my carnal self wanting things that i know is wrong, i know will not sustain and destroy, yet choosing all the same.

i ask how can i be so weak? like a battle inside. it aches. because as much as i feel relaxed by the passivity of my life, the more unhappy i become. the more shallow, pretensious, satisfied for something fleeting. and what frightens me more is the thought that i have been commissioned, i have been told and prayed over to go and make a difference to a desperate, hopeless generation... only to find myself as one of them. how can i be a vessel when i am as broken as the prostitute selling her body for a living, or the junkie that shoots up to escape reality, or the gambler that spends his life and family away at the casino, or whoever we consider as fucked up. how can i amount to anything more when i am just the same?

and i may live through the disappointment of some people, but will i ever live through the disappointment of the one who took the time to knit me in my mother's womb? its a scary thought. i have a saviour. i know i do. but how can i be saved from something so attached, something such as i? 

love, 

ps. abstract jesus... interesting

thought #70- i don't expect anything

so my day was a concoction of bitter humidity, perpetual bus rides, puking behind the loved up couple in the front seat, shattering the anti socialism and meeting new friends, falling asleep in my economics lecture, walking past mr ralph lauren polo model (aka my stranger crush), impromptu shopping at market city, meeting up with mads, consuming gloria jeans whilst talking about the past, present and future, being loner at the library, visiting a five star hotel with father, feeling smitten by the adorable office boy reading "enriching your prayer life," sitting adjacent to me on the bus home and everything that lies in between. it was particularly eventful yet only one thing (apart from my battle with slumber) stuck with me until this very minute i find myself tapping away at the subconscious beatings of my little, confused and slightly marred heart- expectations.

i mean expectations have lingered since the day you were conscious of hope, however, i find that this transitional, important time in my life where things are beginning to change, new atmospheres, new relationships, turning eighteen etc etc. has caused me to pay greater attention to the expectations i have conjured regarding this present moment of life. since forever, i have had dreams or pathetic little visions of what i thought life after school would look like. some having been fulfilled, others yet to be seen. and then others have been nothing but surprising disappointments (refer to my thought regarding disappointment).

i guess the thing with expectation is that you must be prepared for both the fulfilment and failure. sadly i was too focused on the optimism and forgot that life doesn't revolve around the accordances of my plans but under His.' nevertheless you can't erase the people you thought you could still call friends, the places you thought you would visit regularly, the days you would still find familiarity with. you expect them to be all part of your life, then suddenly change in its rude, interrupting yet almost always needed time arrives and your expectations are left like discarded gum stuck to one's shoe.

i guess the moral of this all is not to turn you off expectations. be expectant, life is not for the lazy. existence is. but when things don't go your way or how you hoped it to be don't lose heart. things will get better in time. its all in time. the worst that you could do now is never get up from such a disheartening blow or to declare over everything that is important to you "i don't expect anything."

love,

ps. not really relevant to the story, but this did make me miss school and hsc advanced english HAHA

thought #46- years don't die. they just grow up.

as my lovely friend annelise holwerda once wrote on my facebook, i can wholeheartedly agree with this statement as 2010 begins to blossom and change, change and more change moulds my world. it feels my days are likened to clay at the potter's wheel. cheesy, hallmark-like simile but it does feel that so much has altered and is altering and being examined, analysed, discarded and refined. it's almost scary, being in such a vulnerable position but i guess this year is the perfect time to do so. the time where you are no longer a child and where the future is much more closer than you once intended it. where independence is at your grasp and where big decisions surpass which party to go to on the weekend and whether to do that math homework or not (how i miss the simplicity of secondary schooling haha).

suddenly you are faced with life. frightening haha. well i guess all this profound talk was spurred by todays happenings in which i enrolled at uts straight after work with kuan. it was a brilliant day amidst confusing timetable selections, the awkward weather and even awkward train ride with an old man rocking back and forth behind us. we encountered strangers (random abc radio lady questioning my opinions regarding virginity and tony abbott haha) and friends (e.g. eugene the random) and whoever is defined by the status in between.  after being dropped off by kuan, i returned home tired but fighting the desire to nap seeing as it is powerhouse soon and i am adamant to battle laziness and attend. my day concludes here and so i return to the glories of technology, pondering about the subject which has been in my mind for the past week or so now- past, present, future.

love,

ps. cute picture, and yes i know it has no relevance to the entry haha.
pps. this reminded me of playing super mario on matty's iphone! i miss you, new unexpected friend haha.

thought #27- matthew 7:21

 ²¹ "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 


lately i've been musing about this verse. and lately it feels as if i have been kicking this same verse in the dirt as if it were a mere candy wrapper tossed by some inconsiderate neanderthal. it's a frightening realisation and an even scarier revelation that this will occur in the near near future. to be honest, i'm finding it hard to follow in faith and be like jesus. i feel i've been behaving and living completely alternatively to what he has intended for me to be. its tragic and i'm beginning to really feel the distance now. actually i've been feeling the distance for awhile now since school has concluded.

i recall hearing many messages about temptation and living an ungodly lifestyle and to choose right, justice and love amidst the corruption of our world at school and thinking i may be tempted but no way, i can't imagine life not being a christian. suddenly you leave school and reality sets in like wet concrete and temptation suddenly becomes this enticing form of poison basically wherever you go. suddenly you have to make conscious decisions to say no to things that hinder our relationship with the Creator, suddenly you're no longer sheltered from the undignified world we live in. and as a human, the flesh is weak. very weak.

so this week has been a struggle, an internal spritual tug-of-war. i don't want to crash and burn altogether. i still believe in God. i still believe in the power of his name and the life that i'm called to follow. but i know that im unhinging, coming undone from the body that is supposed to keep me intact. as i write i find it sad and very embarrassing to be sharing this all. i feel so vulnerable and foolish but i'm really finding it difficult.

as much as having a good time and celebrating my youth is such a grand thing to do. i can't waste time knowing that i may call out lord only to be ignored. shit, its serious.

p.s. kyle's shindig was amazing! happy birthday again my dear friend :)