thought #265- 2:17am confessions

1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.

2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.

3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?

4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.

5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.

Love,

thought #225- i'm not together but i'm getting there

lately i've been feeling pretty shit. emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. i'm not whinging or seeking out pity, but the truth is i've been feeling somewhat stuck in some sort of twilight zone. a relentless cycle of mundane banality that somehow (and i don't know how it got to be) has sucked me dry. it's like as if i've been on a marathon for seven years and still not finding the reason why i'm doing it or listening to your favourite song times infinity. something that once was relaxing, amusing and comfortable is suddenly an indifferent, tiring son of a gun.

and now as type, i wonder, how did i ever get way? to this point in my life where i'm suddenly questioning the meaning of it all. i mean mentally i know why i'm here, who i'm living for and what i'm called to do yet somehow my heart and my actions are lagging (just like my fucking internet connection). is it out of complacency? is it out of resent? is it out of hurt? is it out of comfort? maybe it's everything? i remember growing up with such big, ambitious dreams. i mean yes they were slightly ridiculous and exaggerated (married at 25... yeah... right...) but they were still dreams nonetheless. i had everything planned out and hoped and prayed that somehow they would be divinely blessed with reality. i remember thinking i could change the world. these days, although i am not hopeless, i fear so much. i fear i'm growing older and i'm seeing no progress. i fear i'm not working hard enough, that i'm not good enough, that these big dreams and plans i've set my heart to are just too impossible to reach. i fear that i'm becoming mundane and i hate the fact that i'm letting myself be it.

i hate to think that i'm actually content to live this shit, half- hearted life. that i'll be forever known as an unidentifiable farrago of flesh and bones, another soul lost into oblivion, just another person with a whole lot of inspiration and not enough faith. i'd hate to think that i've become abigail cruz- the 19 year old tired, single, meaningless woman with a penchant for cigarettes, ciders, macabre, black humour, cheesy 80's teen movies and nutella. because when i look it at that way- it feels like i'm describing my present self down to a tee (ps. i'll forever be a fan of nutella).

but you know, even whilst being in this state, my Almighty Creator, in all His humour, glory, beauty and love graces me with little gems, little reminders, little glimpses of himself. today i was listening to a message on being in the middle. how life shouldn't be defined by our middle moments but by Him. throughout the whole message i was thinking, did this guy just get into my skin for a second? how is he talking directly at me? i thought to myself i'm definitely feeling the middle and as hard as it is for me to admit i'm nowhere near the end or where or who i want to be. i wish being renewed took two seconds but it'll take far longer for me. i don't know when or how but i know i'll eventually get out of the shit stream and find the river of life somehow. i still have hope. i'm still pretty fucked up but that's the difference, i'm still all those things yet He is still on the throne. if i can get back to being a little less indifferent and more inclined to people and eternity than maybe i'd stop feeling so shit all the time. ok, let's try again.

love,

thought #186- groundhog day

recently i've found myself in a trance. an indifferent, ephemeral state of being in which i am almost there but not quite. i don't blame anyone; not even work and the busyness it has created and the rest i internally crave. it's just i feel somewhat stuck. it's peculiar actually. i go about my days working hard, eating, sleeping, listening to music, checking facebook, text messaging a friend and falling asleep only to repeat this quotidian routine and although i am not complaining i feel as i've reached my "groundhog day." this odd, nonchalant time in my life where i see everyone racing past me, changing, evolving, accepting, moving on, adapting and forwarding into the future and i feel as if i'm left on a hamster's treadmill aching for freedom.

so what is the remedy i ask myself? sure i could do with something new, something spontaneous, something more. or perhaps i just need to accept that everyone's accepted the fact that life goes on and get over everything that keeps me cemented to my current condition. i admit, i'm not one to get over things. important things i mean (none of this grudge bullshit). but its difficult and a process i am willing but hesitant, unsure, afraid to take.

i think back to january first and the optimism and expectation i bore for this year and although i feel like another crack in the pavement pushover i must say i still carry this hope. for more. for something to finally come into my life and resurrect that fun part in me.

it doesn't have to be in the form of a gorgeous white boy (though that would be lovely), it could simply be a holiday, getting in shape, giving up the cigs, a new hair colour, picking up a bible again or simply saying im sorry and i forgive you. i know its easier said than done but maybe. maybe with this attitude and effort we can get somewhere, rather than sitting, wishing, waiting for fuck all.

love,

thought #182- rewind, fast forward

2010 was:

to say the least an eventful year. moments, memories that encapsulate and epitomize what 2010 has been can only be associated with change and firsts. i have learn't much, changed much, experienced much and lived much this year. it has sort of become a catalyst in life as if everything in existence as merely placid cruising until this year. i giggle and cringe at the thought of everything that has occurred in this year. the midnight kiss, the messy nights, queensland, the heartaches, the euphorias, the decisions, the letting go and moving on, university, turning eighteen, the vices, hospital, brunches and lunches, meeting new friends and missing the old, writing articles, getting a job and the dwindling faith you feel perpetually convicted by. i've had such an amazing, frustrating, confusing, joyous and blessed year.

2011 will be:

and i say aloud with much hope, even better than the last. what i love is knowing that though 2010 has brought much change and firsts, it has still left 2011 a chance to catch up. there are still so many things to do, people to love, places to go, convictions to attend and a bigger, much more delightful life to live. i enter 2011 with much hope and optimism. who knows, perhaps this is the year to find the boy, finally get my Ps, get inked, quit smoking, get a hd, reacquaint myself with dear friends and make new ones along the way, reinvent my wardrobe and redecorate my room, start fresh with people i still want in life but momentarily took for granted, love my parents more, travel overseas, refrain from alcohol poisoning, learn how to cook, do more live gigs, experiment and expand. i can only hope and pray for a favorable and blessed year ahead.

ps. oh the irony, happy new years lovelies. hope you're partying hard or in my case heartspilling at 1: 24am :)

thought # 108- i thought perpetual, you thought seasonal

as i write, intertwined between my blankets, tired, vacant and nursing a headache that the rain, lack of thermal underwear and unbearable cold has kindly given, i think of my favourite (insert sarcasm) season of the year. personally, apart from the fashion and end of financial year sales, i do not fancy winter at all. some people adore the chill, the reason to resurrect their old gumboots and oversized knitwear, the hot chocolate/scrabble/movie nights in front of a blazing fire, the unintentional weight gain, the bed weather, taking photos of dead branches, scribbling your crush's name on a fogged up car window and everything that winter is synonymous with. although these reasons are good and pleasant to have, i don't believe we need a whole season to do this. as cliched and hackneyed as it sounds, i find that the cyclical moments of life are in sync with the seasons. in retrospect, i look back to the first six months of 2010 and find myself overwhelmed by all the events and happenings it carries and is yet to reveal.

summer was sizzling, hot, impulsive and brilliant. the weather equated the tanned skin i received from qld, the staple of singlets and shorts echoed the events of sydney festival and air conditioning brought me back to late night skype chats with friends, strangers and friends who were once strangers. university did not yet exist, responsibility was unheard of, legalities were chimerical and the world was a naked canvas ready to be explored and exploited.

autumn arrived with much change, it was a season that began as passe and in between, the exact definition of autumn. then life sighted a tornado and an unexpected whirlwind began. i turned 18, i began filthy habits, university was not as delightful as i envisioned it to once be. the heart palpitated and simultaneously crumbled over unpredicated amazing strangers. stress levels rose, it was an intoxicating few months of euphoria and rollercoasters. fun fun fun.

until winter arrived. and to be fair, it has only been four days so i cannot bad mouth it entirely. it may unexpectedly shift for the better and i find winter as the best season to come. however, from observations, i find my days are peppered with stress, sencha peach tea permanently inside my plunger, expensive habits in my bag and on my fingers, unworthily chatting to God, alcoholic friday nights, still awake at 3am and this empty feeling- that no emotion can exactly pinpoint- where one cannot see any progress, happiness but is still hoping. hoping not for a repeat of summer or autumn, nor for things to unrealistically "become all good again" but that absurd, secretly lovely hope we all nurse in our spirits and mutter under our breath that whatever life is or will be

is just, for we are just... seasonal.

love,

ps. this somewhat totally american, but i adore it. 

thought #71- catalyst

today is a brilliant day. especially since the past few weeks have been a regurgitated concoction of annoyance, ignorance, frustration, trampled hearts and unpleasant silence. i can wholeheartedly say i am happy. i know sappy and emotional but true. things are looking brighter, hope is being restored to my universe and the shit that ive been experiencing are slowly evaporating into understanding. people are co- operating, friends and strangers are causing me to smile and become amused, friperie is making me busy and blessed, uni is delightful (so far haha) and i am more appreciative of this future that awaits. this doesn't by any mean crush any bad days nor does it assure me of problem-free existence for the future. i am just happy and thankful.

love,

ps. this made me laugh uncontrollably. im slightly embarrassed now haha. circa 2006

thought #70- i don't expect anything

so my day was a concoction of bitter humidity, perpetual bus rides, puking behind the loved up couple in the front seat, shattering the anti socialism and meeting new friends, falling asleep in my economics lecture, walking past mr ralph lauren polo model (aka my stranger crush), impromptu shopping at market city, meeting up with mads, consuming gloria jeans whilst talking about the past, present and future, being loner at the library, visiting a five star hotel with father, feeling smitten by the adorable office boy reading "enriching your prayer life," sitting adjacent to me on the bus home and everything that lies in between. it was particularly eventful yet only one thing (apart from my battle with slumber) stuck with me until this very minute i find myself tapping away at the subconscious beatings of my little, confused and slightly marred heart- expectations.

i mean expectations have lingered since the day you were conscious of hope, however, i find that this transitional, important time in my life where things are beginning to change, new atmospheres, new relationships, turning eighteen etc etc. has caused me to pay greater attention to the expectations i have conjured regarding this present moment of life. since forever, i have had dreams or pathetic little visions of what i thought life after school would look like. some having been fulfilled, others yet to be seen. and then others have been nothing but surprising disappointments (refer to my thought regarding disappointment).

i guess the thing with expectation is that you must be prepared for both the fulfilment and failure. sadly i was too focused on the optimism and forgot that life doesn't revolve around the accordances of my plans but under His.' nevertheless you can't erase the people you thought you could still call friends, the places you thought you would visit regularly, the days you would still find familiarity with. you expect them to be all part of your life, then suddenly change in its rude, interrupting yet almost always needed time arrives and your expectations are left like discarded gum stuck to one's shoe.

i guess the moral of this all is not to turn you off expectations. be expectant, life is not for the lazy. existence is. but when things don't go your way or how you hoped it to be don't lose heart. things will get better in time. its all in time. the worst that you could do now is never get up from such a disheartening blow or to declare over everything that is important to you "i don't expect anything."

love,

ps. not really relevant to the story, but this did make me miss school and hsc advanced english HAHA

thought #53- "the morning after" feeling

you know that unexplainable calm you receive after a relentless, shitty evening? that odd sensation of not being quite over a situation or someone or something but knowing within the very walls of your gut that things will be fine? that assurance that even if things remain unrecognisable and unknown, that eventually light will be shed? i think i may have it.

as john mayer sings in, in repair "i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there." i believe it echoes truth within life as we speak. i love how two sided the connotation "the morning after" brings. it can either imply a fantastically thrashed evening of subconscious decisions and waking up to handsome or handsome at the time men... similarly to those movies. most of the time you laugh at the protagonist's misfortune and think "haha sucks to be you." then there are those morning afters where one has been balling their eyes out, literally heaving out the tragic bits of life and then awaking the next morning feeling concaved and worn out. i must say i'm with the latter right now.

but the only difference is that my morning after is fuelled with hope. i mean the confusion remains, the nips of pain lingers but the prospect of moving on is so much greater. i already feel things developing, the heart being arranged to let someone else in. i choose to be happy, because that option is there. life is far too short to mope around and brood haha.

so i guess even in the worst of moments and hardest of times there is always "a morning after" to look forward to. one peppered with joy. in other words hope.

love,

ps. never heard of the band. great pic though haha.

thought # 5- i miss dead people

as i woke up today, i was reminded about a family friend who had passed away a few months ago this year  and though i did not weep inconsolably and wet my bedding, i was honestly sentimental about it. i suddenly missed the small, petty things that completed who she was like the way she chuckled and showered you with kisses upon your check, her little scuttle across our old church kitchen room, things that you don't consider as important when they are still alive. but somehow when they're dead those trivialities are somewhat immortalised in memory.

i experienced the same feeling whilst watching movies, like that latest heath ledger movie... the imaginarium (i won't even try to finish this title) and stand by me starring the adorably tough river pheonix. it dawns upon you how amazing they are and suddenly they're gone. no longer existing on this earth like the rest of us. then of course there is mj and other people who have departed this year.

oh and i think immersing myself in in cold blood by truman capote has created the same effect. i can't get over the clutter family massacre and how the murderers had no real motivation but rob human life... mindblowing.

which takes me to the essence of today's thought. how quick and ephemeral life is. how one moment you're sitting typing away a blog about how eccentric your brain can be to lying in a corpse with that half-smile and morgue maked- up face in a pretty dress that doesn't belong to you (sorry im not being offensive or morbid... im just emphasising the nimbleness of time haha). i think we often take that for granted and place much pressure of a world that will not exist when a new heaven and earth is made. live life beyond your own selfishness, i say. enjoy everything this world can offer but be mindful of the next and make this life one that counts (im still personally trying to learn this all) :)
 
so, perhaps its me but you really do miss dead people.

love

p.s. thanks danise, i love your site.