thought # 108- i thought perpetual, you thought seasonal

as i write, intertwined between my blankets, tired, vacant and nursing a headache that the rain, lack of thermal underwear and unbearable cold has kindly given, i think of my favourite (insert sarcasm) season of the year. personally, apart from the fashion and end of financial year sales, i do not fancy winter at all. some people adore the chill, the reason to resurrect their old gumboots and oversized knitwear, the hot chocolate/scrabble/movie nights in front of a blazing fire, the unintentional weight gain, the bed weather, taking photos of dead branches, scribbling your crush's name on a fogged up car window and everything that winter is synonymous with. although these reasons are good and pleasant to have, i don't believe we need a whole season to do this. as cliched and hackneyed as it sounds, i find that the cyclical moments of life are in sync with the seasons. in retrospect, i look back to the first six months of 2010 and find myself overwhelmed by all the events and happenings it carries and is yet to reveal.

summer was sizzling, hot, impulsive and brilliant. the weather equated the tanned skin i received from qld, the staple of singlets and shorts echoed the events of sydney festival and air conditioning brought me back to late night skype chats with friends, strangers and friends who were once strangers. university did not yet exist, responsibility was unheard of, legalities were chimerical and the world was a naked canvas ready to be explored and exploited.

autumn arrived with much change, it was a season that began as passe and in between, the exact definition of autumn. then life sighted a tornado and an unexpected whirlwind began. i turned 18, i began filthy habits, university was not as delightful as i envisioned it to once be. the heart palpitated and simultaneously crumbled over unpredicated amazing strangers. stress levels rose, it was an intoxicating few months of euphoria and rollercoasters. fun fun fun.

until winter arrived. and to be fair, it has only been four days so i cannot bad mouth it entirely. it may unexpectedly shift for the better and i find winter as the best season to come. however, from observations, i find my days are peppered with stress, sencha peach tea permanently inside my plunger, expensive habits in my bag and on my fingers, unworthily chatting to God, alcoholic friday nights, still awake at 3am and this empty feeling- that no emotion can exactly pinpoint- where one cannot see any progress, happiness but is still hoping. hoping not for a repeat of summer or autumn, nor for things to unrealistically "become all good again" but that absurd, secretly lovely hope we all nurse in our spirits and mutter under our breath that whatever life is or will be

is just, for we are just... seasonal.

love,

ps. this somewhat totally american, but i adore it. 

thought #98- if it's too good to be true

then it probably is. perhaps i'm just being paranoid, perhaps it's the annoying presence of winter weather, perhaps university is scrunching its fists with my tired self within its contents, perhaps i'm just being fucking pathetic... this week has been a struggle. im in such a terrible mood. one that is situated between the indents of sadness, fear, apathy, selfishness, nonchalance and pessimism. perhaps i should pray about it, im ashamed to say i haven't done that in awhile. our dnm is long overdue.

lately i have been brooding over things. many things. from the paltry details to the very fabric of existence. it feels like the motion of all that has been occurring is overwhelming yet exciting, unexpected yet euphoric, terrifying yet pleasant. it feels like i've been encased in this irony. people, places, things and moments all appear foreign but amazing. prior to the arrival of this craptastic phase, life was relatively great. yet i cannot help but feel sceptic about it all. frightened perhaps that things are going too well and life is going too great that there is bound to be the gravitational catalyst which pulls us all down and breaks as all apart. i refrain from being too happy, too attached, too hopeful, too expectant. i don't want to suffocate the nothing we have. i don't want to ruin anything with assumption. but one can only give me a break to think that i fear you will get sick/bored of me, i fear that this is only transitory, i fear that this isn't just a phase, i fear i will be forever fearing.

perhaps i've just forgotten how to relax. all this uncertainty is unhealthy.
perhaps...

love,

ps. i like this photo. if life had a shape what would it be? 

thought# 67- day one

observations/lessons on my first official day of university.

1. feigning that you're confident (not stuck up, there is a difference) actually makes you feel better internally. sometimes all you need to do is ask a stranger and admit you are totally lost and frightened that you'll arrive late to a lecture, when in fact all you needed to do was walk straight ahead and wait for another twenty minutes.
2. it's easy to start conversation with strangers in the context of university. personally i am not one to engage in initiating this practice but eventually i will try and become pro.
3. make friends with the people you sit next to at lectures. it not only makes things much easier but boosts your social circle x infinity. 
4. do not ogle at handsome boys, skim. even when you don't have your glasses on, pretend you are not blind casually glance, smile if the occassion calls and do not repeat frequently unless you want to be thought of as an immature, blind, strange little stalker.
5. accept that you won't be the most stylish/smartest/prettiest/funniest/nicest/loudest/quietest person in the room. acknowledge your mediocrity but also know that you, in yourself, are brilliantly unique. be content and resist the temptation to compare or burst into inconsolable tears haha.
6. befriend the co-op bookshop. make it your new boyfriend. 
7. don't scowl when strangers double take a glimpse of you. smile, or remain blank. look sophisticated and abuse your unfamiliarity (as with numeros 1-5). do not intend this for flirtatious or malicious purposes or the creepy folk will come after you.
8. consume coffee or any form of caffeine before a lecture, especially when you have been awake since 6am. it really helps.
9. do not try to be fashionable in freezing weather. it is a mistake to think you can get away healthy with a thin blazer and stockings. its simply no use shivering especially in front of gorgeous strangers who may mistake you for an epileptic ridden person.
10. savour lecture breaks. take this opportunity to befriend, skim some more. breaks are ingenious 
11. riding on a ghost train conjures feelings of loneliness and nostalgia. so does eating at a sushi train by yourself. solitude has its benefits but in this case it is only depressing.
12. fall asleep as soon as you get home before anything else. sleep is heaven sent to the overwhelmed, undergraduate who has walked in the rain, purchased ridiculously expensive textbooks and has been awake since 6am (an ungodly hour for the insomniac) all day. 
13. i quite like university. i could definitely get used to this. 

love,

thought # 65- dating myself sounds slightly depressing

but its true. i never paid much attention to sole wandering in the city and have always thought of it as a hassle free way to play until today. finishing a lecture early opened myself to a possibility of free time with the absence of a companion or anyone familiar for that matter hence i chose to have a little city date with myself. usually i would find this fine and dandy to be strolling with large quantities of shopping bags (via my impulsion and lack of self control), coffee/gelato in hand, smiling pathetically at the lovely couples crossing my path and perving subtly at the handsome strangers in their solo trivial routine, without any real effect. however today, perhaps its just the situation i was in, or the absence of sleep and ergo the absence of proper thinking, was different. i actually felt kind of left out. leftover, single and feeling the solitude sort of thing. i suddenly wanted that person beside me, not holding my hand, but next to me carrying my shopping bags, buying me ice cream, holding the umbrella out (i know it sounds like i need a p.a. or slave but you are mistaken haha).

it was this sudden desire, that turned my date into a depressing muse. i mean don't get me wrong im not desperate and single life is amazing and carefree and headache-less than relationships. but there are moments, perhaps birthed out of being single for too long, or lonely for too long, or being one without another for too long. perhaps its any condition "for too long" which causes one to yearn. but then i guess im reminded of my little impromptu pact of patience. and i still stand by it.

as much as i wouldnt mind someone in my life, i mind getting into the wrong relationship. i do mind who  that someone is in my life. and im hoping the patience is worth it. so as i begin university on monday, i will keep this in mind. knowing me the utter excitement of university and university folk alike will completely cause me to momentarily short circuit, but i must remind myself that patience is priceless and will be paid in amounts surpassing anything monetary.

it's true when people say, you can't put a price on peace of mind. so with less anxiety and frustration in mind and with more patience and hope, im holding out for my next date with myself as less depressing. who knows i might meet another soul having a date with himself too haha.

love,

p.s. gross... *bursts into tears* HAHAHA i kid.