thought #238- i could never belong to you

and it wasn't in the moment her face said things like yes and no, ever so carelessly like she was brushing off a date with the nerd to the high school dance. and it wasn't the fact that she was impeccably dressed, a vision in pastel pink. her innocence smothered by all that sex appeal. it wasn't the way she flicked her tresses, as if they were horses ready to gallop away upon command. and no, it wasn't in her fierce stride that made every man in the room melt and congeal at her feet and every woman wish they could either be her or kill her. it wasn't even the polite purse of her lips as if she were hiding its full potential, full bloom. but it was in the way her fingers slightly trembled, her infrangible exterior distracted by her nervousness. it was in the way she looked behind her back incessantly, as if waiting for someone to appear and get her out of this place. it was in the way she blinked, not rhythmically but as disjointed as listening to an orchestra without a conductor. yes, it was in her ersatz laughter that desperately clung onto every sound in the room, in hope no one would notice she wasn't having fun. it was in the fact that she was not altogether, not perfect, missing something so important. and i loved her even more for it. i loved her so much that watching her was as painful as being operated without anesthesia.

and as she excused herself from the crowd, she found me. her whole beautiful body pinned down by my presence. and suddenly she was unsure. what she wanted, who she was, who i was, what we were. and i cocked my head forward and bowed as you would to a queen, without malice, without jokes but because it made sense. and she smiled, stepping forward. but i stepped back. and suddenly she returned to being so unsure. all of a sudden self conscious and transparent. and i bowed again to her lack of totality, to her imperfection, to the blanks of her being. and she began to cry. because there was that horrible affirmation that everything was true. and everything we gambled brought us nothing but loss.  and suddenly that feeling, the same feeling i had as i walked away from her, was shared between us two. she would never be mine, i would never be hers knowing fully well that we were what the other exactly needed.

love,

thought #237- commitment phobia

the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.

now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.

i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.

i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.

love,