thought #247- all over the place

i know i don't regularly use this anymore but i felt i needed a somewhat private (as private as a public domain such as the internet can get) place to vent/regurgitate what has occurred this past year. so much has happened i actually don't even know where to begin. i'll skip the formalities and pleasantries such as acquiring a full-time job (thank God), graduating my undergraduate degree (thank God again) and all that jazz and get down to the nitty gritty.

to be honest, my heart and head hasn't really been present this whole year. i feel i've been going through the motions of the mundane, living life as one does, trying to be open and nonchalant and subconsciously erasing the mess i made in london (that still haunts me to this day) but deep down i'm confused, lonely and trying to conceal gaping wounds with fleeting moments that just create another wound in return. i guess you could say i've been very careless lately. it's not because i want to or that i'm actually happy with this kind of behaviour. i just don't know how to go about not being so indifferent towards matters pertaining to my heart.

i feel attached to people who i barely know. i want to be with people who don't want to be with me. it's heartbreaking and pathetic. i often ask myself since when did i get so tragic? i've been trying to fool myself to believe that i'm fine acting this way. that i'm ok with things just happening for fun. that i'm fine to sleep in unfamiliar sheets and tread unfamiliar territories with a stranger. haven't i learned already that there's no such thing as unattached? that regardless if your heart was in it or not you bared a private, sacred piece of yourself, which will never be returned. this feigning is tiring. i don't want the giddy feeling of a crush. i don't want the romantic notion of intoxicatedly dancing with a stranger with lipstick smeared across our cheeks. i don't want to eat burgers like a lovesick couple. i don't want to watch a movie while you unsubtley feel me up. i don't want to lie on your lap and watch lonely planet or watch you cook with your doona as my dress. i don't want to just hang out. i don't want to wear your old, dilapidated shirt to sleep. i dont want to hold hands with someone i barely know and like all too much too soon that it frightens us both. fucking hell. i don't want to sleep with someone who already makes me wish for morning to mull over slowly, just for tonight. i don't want to sing to sick songs in bed while listening to each others hearts echoing from the hollows of our chest. i don't want to wake up and stare at this beautiful creature and wonder what he's thinking. i don't want to have to say that i kind of like you a little then want to swallow my speech and slice off my tounge for sounding like a complete idiot. i just want it to be straight. it doesn't have to be easy. it doesn't have to be simple. just true. after all this, i just want to settle down to the real deal.

i just want someone to be fucking honest. to put their intentions on the line and allow them to love me, and i the same. i'm too old for headfucks or games or i'll call you when i'm drunk. i just want someone who'll still care when i'm sober. i actually think i'm ready to meet the man the Creator has ordained and is fashioning especially for me... but is he ready to meet me?

i guess it's true. i am all over the place. and the frightening thing is i don't know where to even beginning trying to pick myself off the floor.

love,

thought #265- 2:17am confessions

1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.

2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.

3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?

4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.

5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.

Love,

thought #264- twenty-something (part 1)

i thought i would uphold tradition and continue with my annual birthday wishlists, however, unlike past  birthdays i thought it would be apt to include not just my material lust worthy santa- christmasesque wishlist but a sort of more non-superficial, life wishlist. i guess what i'm really hoping for as i enter the big 2 1. so here goes part 1 (the non-material whislist).

for most people (especially in the southern hemisphere), turning 21 has no real significance. i mean we've already spent three years dabbling in non-prescription drugs, engaging in unprotected sex like the invincible beings we deludedly believe ourselves to be, popping the clubbing cherries and consequently accumulating tallies of toilet bowl tales, evenings with zero recollections and nasty morning after hangovers. some people have even been engaging in this behaviour before legalistic times (bad asses). so technically i shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed about being just another year older. but for some reason i am. i'm actually scared shitless. probably more than i've ever been about any other birthday. it's strange. suddenly i have a one attached to my twenty and i'm panicking like it's the end of the world. perhaps i am being a little overdramatic but i guess the insecurities stem from that stupid life plan thing i made when i was thirteen. according to this so called life plan by twenty one i would be graduating/graduated, starting a career that would take me far financially and physically, in a job i love, with a european hunk of some sort, perhaps already moved out or saving up for something big. i know it's idealistic thinking but the fact that it's not impossible, the very fact that there are 21 year old friends living this life makes me fret a little inside. i know i shouldn't worry about things like this. that i'm technically still young to be going grey over the condition of existence from now to twenty years time and that my Creator has and always will have everything under control... but i just can't help wonder? will i amount to this? will it ever happen? have i dreamt far too big? have i set a standard so ridiculously and unattainably high? have i fucked myself over? i feel so out of control. in a condescending spiral of my own vicious, carnal ways. wanting what i can't have. wanting what i don't have. i'm hopeful though. i still have faith that something good will work through this all. that i will eventually find peace and happiness the way i did before and even a little more.

i need to get my priorities straight. i need to find my soul. i need to wipe away my tears and stop grieving of what i've lost that i know will never be returned to me. i need to stop living in fear. i need to stop lusting over just another mistake waiting to happen. i need to learn my lessons. i need to give it all away. to not a person but a purpose. i need love. i need motivation. i'm turning twenty one for fucks sake, i need to start acting like it.

love,

thought #263- snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

so i've returned home to the comforts of my own king single bed, the scorching hot suburban scenery, home cooked meals, uni work, band practices and the relentless search for a graduate job. in totality it's been about nine days and as much as i love my family, friends, familiarity and the change of not having to leave the house with seven layers, i really do miss london and europe and all the glories of the northern hemisphere. i do often at times feel like a broken record, recounting about the people i miss, the blurred memories i embarrassingly recollect and the holiday mode lifestyle. now i must face the bigger picture of growing up, graduating and achieving success in life. the thought of having to get my shit altogether is frankly quite frightening and i'm unsure as to how i feel about the impending future. i know that part of me believes that it will be equally if not more hard work regardless if i relocate to london or find a job away from home but i feel so comfortable there. it really feels like i've left my heart  back in intersecting tube lines, along the flurry and fuss of oxford street, somewhere deep in an ash tray or coffee cup at brick lane or even in regents among the filthy rich folk i once called my classmates. i often think to myself, how is it possible that six months flew by that quickly? that everything is a mere blur. i feel everything that happened in europe was but a dream like procession and i've awoken back to the reality of home and hardship haha. perhaps the world will continue revolving and the friends i met back there will forget me soon enough but i honestly can't help remembering it. recalling those times as if they were the best days of my life, my glory days. but part of me doesn't want to seem enthralled by the past. that the present and future is too bright to be seen with closed eyes. i can only hope that as i start sorting life out, getting the hang of things once again, that i can find success and favour for the remainder of 2013. that my future will slowly but surely start carving itself into something i can see myself being a part of. whether it means being stuck in aus or being reunited with my first love, europe. whatever happens i just have to remain hopeful, hardworking and resistant of reminiscing especially about past heartbreaks.... haha

love,

thought #261- declare then do

i want to:

• step out of the mundane, banality of life. find out what i really want and what i really love and seek it without qualm. 
• find my home. travel between borders, collect memories of locations and evenings and people, then finally settle down to where my conscience, career and community peacefully reside (wherever that may be). 
• stop falling in lust and start falling in love. i don't want to settle for someone's nasty leftovers nor be the constant centre piece of temporary affinity influenced by copious amounts of champagne. 
• pay more attention to the condition of my soul. stop ignoring the relationship that helped me build virtues, values, faith and goodness for the people around me. stop being so selfish as to think i'm wasting time with the one who took his to craft me in all my complexity. 
• be less avaricious, more ambitious. i want to be driven by goals, by that personal satisfaction, by inspiration and the success of strategies created from my own whim not because i have to prove anything to anyone else or base my life on materialistic measures. 
• sing and write more. i say it every year but i do mean it. i want to make more music and refine the art. i want this year to overflow with experiences, feelings, thoughts transposed into music and lyrics. 
• appreciate the little things more. from home cooked meals, to the fact that i have a roof under my head and a family who loves me unconditionally, from a gorgeous sunset to the beauty of stranger's stance. 
• learn another language. french first, spanish second, then italian, then who knows where it may lead?
• live in a mantra of positivity. that there is hope, everything will work out. that time is not an obstacle. i want to manifest and generate light into the people i know and the ones i am yet to meet. 
• declare then do. i don't want wishes and hopes to be merely contained to this blog entry (as what i find myself constantly doing) but instead i want to make it happen. now is the time. 

love,

thought #260- caught in the middle

they said it would get easier after the first time, that i would get used to the the relentless wave of moments, the blinks of bliss and the poisonous promise of a tonight. and perhaps i will one day. or perhaps not. maybe i'll just keep seeing the flaws of fucking without feelings.

in this case, we were just two strangers fumbling in the dark, patting at our pockets as if searching for misplaced morals sandwiched in between cigarette packets, credit cards and each other's surname. we didn't need each other. not in that way. not in the sort of manner that keeps couples glued to each other's side for five years while secretly wanting to shoot each other (or themselves) in the head. i guess we just wanted each other. the way one craves for mcdonalds after a big night out, or a hot bath after a long day at work. perhaps we even wanted to tame our own unspoken loneliness with anonymity. whatever it was to get us by.

i'm not used to this, i thought to myself. he looks like he knows what he's doing. but i'm scared shitless right now because i know this doesn't work for me. i can't kiss someone without feeling i need to love them wholeheartedly but i did it anyway. it struck me the instance we awkwardly arrived at the hotel lobby, constantly checking to see if the other was still under the influence of carnal degradation and hoping we wouldn't snap back into reality and save oneself from what would happen next. the hands intertwined up an elevator soon followed,  feigning familiarity, feigning love beyond the fact that it was a mutual, rash agreement signed by a sneaky kiss on the dance floor. he opened the door to a balcony blanketed by the crisp, chill of the evening sky. with my cigarette alight and a million thoughts racing through my head, the most prominent voice of reason echoes and pounds through the system, far stronger than the copious amounts of champagne previously downed, screaming but you don't do this.

and then the stranger stares intently, he's but an inch away and here you are overanalysing once again. sobering up. trying to figure what he's thinking, whilst simultaneously trying hard to hide your tortured soul. he grabs your face and for that moment you feel as if you've known him all your life. that perhaps he is the boy you subconsciously dreamed about in high school and this moment, shrouded by the mystery of a foreign country with a foreign person for one long and arduous night, is but perfection in disguise. temporarily you know everything surface about him. about his nickname, his tattoos, his hometown, the way he likes to bite your lip while you kiss. temporarily you are the apple of his eye. temporarily you are drawn by such lust that takes superiority above all else. temporarily you are being offered the most expensive delicacy on a silver platter, free of charge. you are torn as to take it, knowing fully well that if you but have the slightest taste, you will never cease to want more.

and then you fall asleep in his arms. spooning the way you only wanted to do with someone you actually cared about. and in that fetal position, thoughts overflow, drenching the hotel room with a numbness, a wholehearted understanding that there is no repeat. there is no breakfast after. there is no late night conversations with your legs rested on your bedroom wall or picnics by the beach. there is no time, no agreement, no need for friendship and association after. it was fun. it wasn't fulfilling. we didn't need each other, you remind yourself. and as you rise from the rumination, embarrassed by your hungover, morning face you realise this. fetching your dress, looking into his eyes, there was no magic, he did not miraculous evolve or transform into a potential. he is still the same stranger who twirled your arm across the dance floor. the same stranger who is saying good morning to you from the bathroom, the same way he said good night in between the sheets.

and as you awkwardly depart the hotel lobby, go separate ways. you politely thank each other, express gratitude for the company and know fully well that it will probably be the last time you see each other ever again. and when reality strikes you both, he will forget your name, your face and associate you with another new years, another frisky time accompanied with feeling forever young. and you'll do exactly the same. they said it would get easier after the first time, but all i can still see is the flaw of fucking without feelings.

love,

thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,

thought #256- how to love

dear you,

to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.

as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".

i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i  do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.

i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.

wishing you well

love,

thought #253- and for what?

everything happens for a reason. the feeling that died, the person who got away, the moment you didn’t take, the words you never said and that part of yourself you lost along the way. all for a reason. the time you didn’t use, the things you abused and the people you took for granted. the lesson you thought you never learnt and the growing up that reluctantly occurred in between. because one day you’ll see the answers come into fruition. You’ll sigh to yourself and say ahhh now I get it. because with patience, you’ll come to realise that you would of never birthed resilience into your system if that feeling still stuck to you like a gaping wound and the person who got away was not the person you are with now, and the moment you didn’t take saved you from real regret and the words you never said was a blessing in disguise and if you had never lost that part of yourself, then there would be no way for you to be found by the best thing to ever come into your life.

love,

thought #252- one nerve

dear feelings,

you're shit. to be fair, you've only been provoked by the actions of careless and inconsiderate handsome strangers, but still; you seem to never learn. it upsets me to think that your easily swayed nature will be the reason for me to crumble in front of people who have painted my portrait with their assumptions and judgements. i wish you were more resilient, more strong, more brave to steer me into rationality. instead i feel all you do is summon my insecurities and repeat my mistakes like some sordid director pleasuring in perpetual takes of movie scenes (life). i wish you wouldn't care so much for trivialities like  that jerk you can't stop caring for. i wish you weren't hurt over selfish stabs at your pride. i wish you could be the bigger person. sometimes i sense that you want to recede and eventually disappear. sometimes you cooperate with my mind. sometimes i think to myself how easier life would be if only you were absent. sometimes you are my source of pain. i wish you had the courage to not pretend that you're fine. i wish you would be candid sometimes because right now, there is a gaping wound where the best part of you should be occupying. 

love, 

thought #250 - it always works out in theory

So it's almost been a week since I packed my bags, bid Sydney farewell and giddily left for my exciting temporary London life. So far it's been mundane and tame but I'm not complaining because heck i'm a thousand miles away from home and I don't think this chance will come again any time soon. I'm basking in the lazy life before Uni preoccupies my days and I have to force myself to get back to the routine of study and normal human sleeping patterns. Perhaps it's homesickness or this ridiculous sudden change of pace and perspective for me... But it really feels like something a little life changing is going to happen soon and I'm both stoked and scared shitless by it all. I guess after all the honeymoon phase of independent bliss has worn off I wonder how I'll get back to the old life & if i can actually return. I know in sounding like a dramatic wench right here but I've never been one to embrace change naturally. I mean I tend to always be the one who is always complaining about needing to turn tables and see new sides, sights and faces but part of me is anxious to keep precious relationships and values and beliefs in tact... But what if it can't happen when I get back? What if I become so far off or suddenly deranged? I know I'm overreacting but I guess this desire for a new identity was much more easier said in theory than reality. But this doesn't mean I'm going to hold back in the life living and once in a life time experiences and opportunities that come my way in the next 6 months. It just means that I may do some crazy things and maybe make a few "learning" mistakes and I may change in perspective and attitude towards life and the world but at the end of the day it's all about keeping yourself true to who you are, who your Creator fashioned you to be and not getting lost in carnality or have your soul snatched up by selfishness. It's a big world out there with innumerable decisions to be made for a life only lived and given once... You do the math.

Love,

thought #249- London town love

after many months of the silent treatment, working hard for the monies and a relentless 20 hour plane ride, i have finally arrived in the land of perpetual dreary weather, reliable public transport systems, gorgeous accents and equally gorgeous men... london! i know i'm a little delayed in the recounting but i've been preoccupied with jet lag, adjusting to sleeping patterns, getting my way around, shopping away my monthly allowance and getting used to the reality that i'm in this alone. every time i think about it, the thought is bittersweet. i mean half of me knows this is exactly what i wanted to be half way across the world in a foreign country, finding fragments of myself along the way. but of course the latter half misses the comfort, familiarity and the favourite people in my life. but in totality i'm ridiculously excited about what will happen and how life will pan out for the next six months. yes the excitement is peppered with fear, frustration, uncertainty and temptation but most of all it's illuminated by this sense of hope. hope that whatever i was thinking before i left will find an answer or at least peace and whatever i am wishing for now will find its way here too. all this potential is making me excited. seriously all i want to do is wander, and get lost and fall in love and write about it and take photos. i know it sounds so whimsical and romantic but with a time limit on me, i'm prepared to temporarily bury my heartless, cold bitch demeanour and embrace everything. i'm actually looking forward to moving into the apartment and going to uni and perhaps even be social for once haha. until my next "wanderlust" entry about some crazy thing i've done... big hugs and love and missing home incredibly but loving each moment of being away.

love,

PS. the beautiful river thames.

thought #248- alternate realities

we would meet outside a pub, his body leaning with a peculiar deftness. he would appear confident, indifferent and effortless. his locks would be overgrown; facial hair. tattoos scrawled across his flesh. he would wear ripped clothing coupled with vintage and worn in leather. scuffed boots at his feet. he would talk lazily, a drawl summoned on his own accord. he would know no hue but black and white. his lips curled, he would smell of rich alpine, cigarette smoke and whiskey. i would watch him play, strum his guitar and recklessly plunge his throat into the unfathomable depths of a melody. we would share in cheap conversation, he would forget my name twice. he would offer me a paradise taken by the tounge. perhaps there may be a morning after.

we would meet in an office. at the very first board meeting. our eyes would casually rest on each other. it would be slightly awkward and we refrain from smiling at each other. he would be young and fresh from university. he would have hair the colour of sand tread upon by innumerable travellers. he would have a british accent and a lean, tall body that would somewhat hint years of polo and privileged living. he would be shy to ask at first but summon the courage to engage in small talk. he would eventually take me out to lunch. to sushi. we would agree on different dishes. we would find plenty of similarities and differences. we would leave flirtatious post-it notes on each other's desk. perhaps there may be a relationship in there somewhere.

we would meet at a mutual friend's wedding. he would be a friend of the groom, i a friend of the bride's. he would be a brunette, blue eyed, cute. unconventionally handsome. he would quote movie lines from every film imaginable and hum theme songs of television series habitually. we would be forced to engage in endless hours of torturous dancing and preparation. at first we would not be attracted to one another but as the weeks spent together accumulate, a sort of fondness lingers. we would spend the wedding day at each other's side. i would fall asleep on his shoulder and he would tuck me into bed. perhaps there maybe a call me after.

we would meet in a foreign country. i would ask him for directions and he would offer to walk with me. he would be handsome; older. he would be successful, conservative. he would mention that he was a widow but have no children. he would be emotional, yet driven. sensitive yet sensible. he would ask for my name and forget no detail in what i've shared. he would pepper our conversation with pearls of wisdom and paragons of proverbs. he would drop me at my desired location and tip his hat courteously. he will ask to see me again, take me to a deserted beach or mountain range untainted and unspoilt by human perversion. perhaps there may be an intimacy, perhaps an unorthodox connection.

we would have known each other all our lives, where we first met would be trivial detail. he would almost be a sibling. we would do life with each other and see other people. fall in love with other people. kiss each other at 13 on new years eve and feel nothing remotely romantic about the moment. we would engage in dead-end jobs, complain about the confining world of tertiatry education and spend weekends watching movies, emptying bottles of wine and rolling jays. we would graduate and i would move north and consequently leave him behind and he would feign that he didn't care, play platonic and distant and wish me the best and subtly hint the numerous flings i would have with strange european hunks. we would spend the last day before my flight in his bed, talking and crying and feeling pathetic but more so real. we would feel it, whatever it is. i would hate him for not persuading me to stay. he will refer to me as his best friend. perhaps there may be an ending to it.

love,

thought # 247- the human in me

i have this theory that whenever i open myself to someone or even consider the possibility of letting my heart work again (beyond its main purpose of oxidising my blood and keeping me alive), i lose my cool and fuck it up. always. i play it unromantic and nonchalant externally while my insides boil with suspicion, hope, hormones and expectancy. and it seems to be fine for as long as the chase can perpetuate. until it's revealed that the feeling is mutual and suddenly i am forced to ponder on the thought of actually entering into a serious relationship. and of course i don't, because i'm emotionally damaged and have commitment issues, which leads me to act as if i am in a relationship without the label. and then, served with a dose of overanalysation, things just go down hill from there. i get too needy, too anxious, too apprehensive, too easily upset over things that never upset me in the past. i begin to wonder and concentrate and dwell on some sordid fantasy that i've concocted in my mind and think to myself it's over again. over before it's fucking begun. it seriously happens all the time. i say i won't get attached but then i write about it in the middle of the night believing that this virtual vent will somehow ease the craziness of my internal condition like an alcoholic to his liquor or the addict to his smack. and i am so easy to deny it. to feign that i don't care, that it doesn't affect me, that i'm not making a big deal about it. but the shit thing is that i do. that a lot of things mean so much more than i say or reflect. i dislike revealing this, but its truly the small and quotidian things that happen in my day that make me feel assured. that somehow tame my qualms and make me not overanalyse. from the impersonal drunken text message, to the good morning call, to that tuesday lunch date to the saturday night skype session. for me, those small and seemingly banals acts are what keeps me sane. so to break from anything pertaining to routine in this case gives me the shits and makes me question whether things are falling apart.

i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.

love,

thought #246- the breakdown

to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?

and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.

suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.

so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.

love,

thought # 242- back on the bandwagon

apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
 my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!

i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha

love,

thought #241- Lost or just less found?

So lately and especially this week has been rather traumatic and stressful to say the least. I'm not usually one to engage in pressure tests but recent events and emotions have driven me to my wit's end. In one week the comfortable lull of my existence and routine has been interrupted by unexpected changes. Apart from influx of assignments, uni work and impending finals big game changers have reared its head. Firstly my job at zanui ended abruptly, due to downsizing. This was rather shocking and disappointing. I did enjoy working at the office and meeting these beautiful people whom I never really did get the opportunity to lengthen our chatters and lunches to after work shenanigans. The now sudden shortage of income has now caused a buckle in the savings but I hope to figure out my next step as soon as I get word from exchange. To be honest exchange has been the ball cruncher for me since April. I have been waiting ever patiently, praying to receive that acceptance letter but it he silence does frighten me. After receiving multiple housing offers I am still left in the dark regarding any offers and I fear rejection (especially in this case) may actually cause an internal crumbling. I don't know how much to express my desire to see Europe, to live independently, to taste the world and come back with broadened horizons, prospective job opportunities, more purpose and devotion and even that European hunk I've been salivating and saving myself for since forever Ahaha but really it is something my heart aches for and just the thought of not being given the chance kills me so much. I guess it's still hoping and praying and believing it will be good news for me. Then lastly there's the feelings. Lately my position romantic wise has looked bleak (lately? More like for two years haha). As I've articulated numerous times though the thought of a real deal relationship is appealing I think I'm in this stage and position in life where I just want to have fun. No I don't mean whore around and break hearts and spirits aha I just mean take things lightheartedly, don't rush, be brave and a little deranged at it but wise and guarded all the way through. And if that babe for me comes along in the process then I've hit jackpot if not I can save it for the settling down. I mean i admit this sort of mentality isnt for everyone but right now with the whole cosmos trying to grab a piece of attention, the less drama is all I could want. Recently I've been getting questioned about my feelings for the bestfraaaand and frankly I wouldn't say no to the chance, I wouldn't back out if it happened and i'd probably say yes if asked but the fact that this is all hypothetical is enough for me to believe its all a platonic companionship with us. Keeping our lonely selves occupied and being the gap between absolute loneliness and finding that boy/girl for each other. I think that's what it is and I don't want to ovrranslyse with a shitload of over complications imagined in the membrane haha. Plus let's not forget no closure probably the only guy I secretly and deeply down inside have never fully gotten over... Oh dear. Can you see why I'm feeling the heat? I crave for rest, peace, a Thai message, a Korean BBQ dinner, bud, retail therapy and good old chat with the Big Man. That's what I really want. Peace of mind.
Love,

PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.

thought #239- Twenteen

i honestly cannot believe that in two and a bit days i will graduate from adolescence (numerically, don't know about in maturity or physical measures) and turn 20. am i excited? not particularly. but the aging process is inevitable and i guess i just have to be hopeful and optimistic about things the way i was at the start of 2012. i guess the whole confirmation of finally becoming a member of the 20's club just makes me even more daunted by my future and the thought of actually needing to get my shit together. in retrospect, the young, naive and former abi was really expecting too much from the now, older and maybe a little wiser abi of today. but that doesn't mean i've abandoned all hope and plans and dreams. there is still so much to be done. i can only hope and pray that i will be taken by where He leads and to stop acting so juvenile as i have lately. anyway i actually wasn't here to write a moody and brooding farewell to my teenage years (i'll probably do that on the day before my bday haha) i actually wanted to share me gift wishlist. another part of my juvenile practices that i seem to never get past. i've always made wishlists for every birthday and christmas and i guess this tradition won't be ceasing until maybe 30 when i realise i should stop being so selfish haha.

the birthday wishlist

• funkis clogs. i surprisingly didn't get a pair for christmas so maybe i'll be fortunate this time around. currently lusting over the high plait sandal pair in natural or the very high clog in grey (mainly because it's the only styles i don't have yet haha).
• and more shoes. since i rarely buy shoes, mainly because of my impossibly suitable feet, when i finally desire something, it comes in masses. my top selections (but not limited to this) include: 

• hunter orignal short classic gumboots in black (size 7) (i need these),
• mollini fragile wedges in black size 37 (divine!)
• acne pistol short booties (size 7) but since i'm more realistic i'll settle for something like these asos boots or sole society boots from the iconic (size 38)
• Cheap Monday Kloss Horse Peep Toe Boots in black (size 7)  (so in love)
•  vans lo pro black leather (size 7.5 i think?)
• converse all star embossed leather hi cut chucks in black (size 7) (i have an affinity for leather shoes as you can see).   

• vlieger and vandam guardian angel soft l black tote . i've technically already got the $$ to buy this but it's current sold out status has made me rather upset. i guess i'll just have to be patient until mid april... zzz
• Herschel Market Tote Bag cute little uni/day bag. 
• a new wallet. i am in desperate need of a new wallet. but this time round i actually don't want a real wallet, in a sense i'm not after those bulky space filling abominations. i'd rather have a small almost pouch like version, especially when i just want to abandon my bag and rid myself of growing posture pains. i'm tossing up between a cute comme de garcons, classic prada, ever in love acne, minimalist celine or edgey wang... or one of each could work too haha
• karen walker number six sunglasses  i have been dying to have these for ages now haha
• and a fuck load of clothing. especially winter. bring on the beanies, trench coats, cute knits, floral pants and everything in between.
• skins season 1-5 (the box set i saw at hum on king at newtown) is a must! 
• a boyfriend 

the last one not really (unless you're of that generosity hahaha). but i guess all this materiality will never compare to the gratefulness and blessings that twenty years on this earth has been. i can only give thanks to the Creator and hope that the next twenty will just go from strength to strength.

love,
 

thought #238- haven't come across one these in awhile

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
hahaha no comment
Have you been upset the past few days?
yes, in bouts. Must be a girl thing.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
yeah
Have you ever fallen asleep in school?
yes
Do you have empty bottles of alcohol anywhere?
no gross
Relationships or one night stand?
relationships have always been of greater value to me.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
on friday at dolli's 21st haha

Ever sat in someone’s lap because there were no more seats in a vehicle?
yes when i was like five
Do you have sex everyday?
no
Is there anyone in the room with you?
no
Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?
yes and no
What would happen if you were locked in a room with the last person you kissed?
... who was the last person i kissed?
Have you kissed the last person you texted?
no... not yet. hahaha kidding
Do you want a tattoo?
definitely. already scheming as we speak
Ever kissed someone that smokes?
yeah
Could you go a month without talking to your best friends?
no, i would go insane.
Have you ever found someone you really really really liked?
yes, sigh.
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
i honestly can't remember who i kissed... it's been that long.
Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow?
highly doubt
How late did you stay up last night and why?
the usual 12-1am because i'm an insomniac and addicted to draw something.
What were you doing at eight am this morning?
rushing to get ready for uni
Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?
all the time
Were you single on Valentine’s Day?
yeah, typical
Do you think someone is thinking about you now?
i'd like to say yes but that's just wishful thinking.
When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do?
go on twitter, draw something or doodle
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they'd go ape shit
Are you a morning person or a night person?
definitely not a morning person that's for sure
Are you content with the current weather?
no it's so unpredictable and gloomy
Do you own many pairs of shorts?
not many
Do you miss someone right now?
i always do
Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower?
um no?
When was the last time you had alcohol?
last night. pathetic i know.
Do you feel like you just need to be with friends and relax?
yes, i need a holiday
Who was the last person you texted?my favourite stranger
Is there a fan going in the room you’re in?
no
Have you ever relied on coffee to keep you awake?
yes
Have you ever worn a bra on the outside of your shirt?
no
Do you like being naked?
when i'm feeling liberated (or it's ridiculously humid)
Have you ever kissed a giraffe?
are you on mdma?
What’s the last thing you looked up on Wikipedia?
 "how to pronounce bon iver"
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
all my jobs to date have been a blessing. thankfully.
Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand?
no
Can you whistle?
yes, most of time unintended when i'm blowing soup.
How many digits of pie do you have memorized?
3.1 (is it 4 or 9)?
Have you ever been in a pie eating contest?
no
Do you like watermelon?
yes, especially the watermelon flavoured rollies
Where’s one place you’d love to visit in your lifetime?
london (fingers crossed it becomes a reality this year).

Do you pick up pennies that you find on the ground?
depends
Have you ever painted all of your fingernails a different color?
no
What’s your favorite type of cake?
frozen cheesecake or ice cream cake
Have you ever eaten grass?
yes as a kid haha
Are you wearing socks?
no
Are you wearing headphones?
no
When was the last time someone played a practical joke on you?
a few weeks ago, my dad always tries to scare me
Were you upset?
no
How are you feeling now?
tired and almost sleepy
What time is it?
12:26am
What’s your name?
abigail ann cruz

thought #238- i could never belong to you

and it wasn't in the moment her face said things like yes and no, ever so carelessly like she was brushing off a date with the nerd to the high school dance. and it wasn't the fact that she was impeccably dressed, a vision in pastel pink. her innocence smothered by all that sex appeal. it wasn't the way she flicked her tresses, as if they were horses ready to gallop away upon command. and no, it wasn't in her fierce stride that made every man in the room melt and congeal at her feet and every woman wish they could either be her or kill her. it wasn't even the polite purse of her lips as if she were hiding its full potential, full bloom. but it was in the way her fingers slightly trembled, her infrangible exterior distracted by her nervousness. it was in the way she looked behind her back incessantly, as if waiting for someone to appear and get her out of this place. it was in the way she blinked, not rhythmically but as disjointed as listening to an orchestra without a conductor. yes, it was in her ersatz laughter that desperately clung onto every sound in the room, in hope no one would notice she wasn't having fun. it was in the fact that she was not altogether, not perfect, missing something so important. and i loved her even more for it. i loved her so much that watching her was as painful as being operated without anesthesia.

and as she excused herself from the crowd, she found me. her whole beautiful body pinned down by my presence. and suddenly she was unsure. what she wanted, who she was, who i was, what we were. and i cocked my head forward and bowed as you would to a queen, without malice, without jokes but because it made sense. and she smiled, stepping forward. but i stepped back. and suddenly she returned to being so unsure. all of a sudden self conscious and transparent. and i bowed again to her lack of totality, to her imperfection, to the blanks of her being. and she began to cry. because there was that horrible affirmation that everything was true. and everything we gambled brought us nothing but loss.  and suddenly that feeling, the same feeling i had as i walked away from her, was shared between us two. she would never be mine, i would never be hers knowing fully well that we were what the other exactly needed.

love,