thought #252- one nerve

dear feelings,

you're shit. to be fair, you've only been provoked by the actions of careless and inconsiderate handsome strangers, but still; you seem to never learn. it upsets me to think that your easily swayed nature will be the reason for me to crumble in front of people who have painted my portrait with their assumptions and judgements. i wish you were more resilient, more strong, more brave to steer me into rationality. instead i feel all you do is summon my insecurities and repeat my mistakes like some sordid director pleasuring in perpetual takes of movie scenes (life). i wish you wouldn't care so much for trivialities like  that jerk you can't stop caring for. i wish you weren't hurt over selfish stabs at your pride. i wish you could be the bigger person. sometimes i sense that you want to recede and eventually disappear. sometimes you cooperate with my mind. sometimes i think to myself how easier life would be if only you were absent. sometimes you are my source of pain. i wish you had the courage to not pretend that you're fine. i wish you would be candid sometimes because right now, there is a gaping wound where the best part of you should be occupying. 

love, 

thought #218- let it out

to be honest, i haven't felt like writing in this for awhile. i find myself, almost by second nature, clicking "new post" and never getting past thought #218 before exiting the tab. this isn't because i've lost the blogging spark or desire to write my musings in an (often forgotten) unfiltered manner but only because it feels like i'm just repeating myself in terms of subject. for the past few months my thoughts have been nothing but one long thought, elongated into segregated pieces of my heart and skull. it feels like all my posts have this relentless underlying theme embedded through my pretty words, internal bitterness and diminishing grammer and punctuation. and it feels like this will continue until one day,  i find my breakthrough, my eureka, a moment which causes me to find a different subject to mull my days over. and to finally let go of what's really been eating me inside.

but sadly that day hasn't arrived. and i fear you will be hearing more of myself verbally rewinding and playing and rewinding once again. who would have thought it would be this hard. honestly, i didn't think it would be. but then again i've never really liked someone as much as i've liked this certain human being. so much so that not even years later, other people later, changes later can actually erase. some sadistic people may actually comment that it's cute. and it would be so if we were actually together and feelings are elucidated and people are happy and not this vicious cycle of mixed signals, meetings that will never happen, an undying stubborn will to not give up and let go. i really don't know what's wrong with me. how strong and in control i can be for other things and yet be so fucked up over one scintilla of detail in my life. 

i've always been the one who would think "i can't believe she can't get over him, how pathetic!" only to ironically find myself in the same position. i think this whole internal heartstring struggle is what refrains me from ever entering anything more or deeper than a carnal lust. it sucks. it really does suck. if only things were cleared way before and if only he didn't have to be so difficult. if only remains as a teasing echo that i wish never existed. and deep down the thing that hurts the most is that he probably doesn't even know how much i care and how hurt i really am. and the fact that he probably thinks that there is no longer an issue with us or the concept of an us for him to even think that there should be an issue to start from is what murders me from within. the possibility that this single- sided struggle will continue on for me and i will still keep on hurting and never really recovering while he remains fine, dandy and can fall in love with someone again is why i will still be writing pathetic rants and blog posts about him thought after thought after thought.

love,

thought # 104- we're so past feelings

this is no love song where one coos about happiness and forever. this is no story about power and glory and peace for mankind; like you even know what that requires. this is no serendipity a chance to meet destiny, a favourable outcome we both desire. this is no art, no technique to rehearse and reverse. this is no equation or formula we scratch pens and frustration beside. this is no secret to tell, or message to conceal. this is no outstretched arm beckoning to fill the void with another limb. this is no goodbye when two lovers douse each other with closure and watch each other alight. this is no hospital room where the life of a human being is hanging by a finger to a switch. this is no winter midnight, starring at the stars, intoxicated by everything other than alcohol and waiting for him to make the first move. this is no road trip, with an unknown destination, an uncertain amount of provision, an unclear direction and five confused friends. this is no absence of love or courage to walk away and abandon. this is no game of scrabble and you are the sore loser. this is no disguise, no feigning of effortlessness. this is no heartspill inside a dirty black book whilst listening to lisa mitchell's clean white love, muttering under your breath "fuck sap, fuck love". this is no lazy afternoon in bed with your favourite person. this is no sleepless night, listening to sad songs and crying yourself to sleep because its the only method you can think of to get tired. this is no show and there is no spotlight; you've lost meaning to the word entertainment. this is no misplaced mind or broken heart nor a joust to see which organ is king. this is no novel and there are no words, no chapters, no text just an empty person with an empty dream.

this is a just feeling. 

love,

ps. totally irrelevant but awesome picture haha. 

thought #95- i would like to call it beauty

i guess there is so much to further elucidate and gush and recount and recall about the events of weekend but i'm listening to this song and am so immersed and selfishly basking in it that it's all i want to really share haha.

I Would Like To Call It Beauty
Corinne Bailey Rae


So young for death, 
We walk in shoes too big
But you play it like a poet,
Like you always did.
And I lay face upturned on the palm of God,
Pushed on by the fingertips of dreams,
They haunted me,
Consoling me.

And I would like to call, call it beauty,
Strained as love's become, it still amazes me
And I would like to call it beauty, ....

You slept a sigh like the angels speak,
And we danced into tomorrow on bleeding feet
And I had thought that I would die here
But you pushed me on,
You pushed me on,
You pushed me on

(Oh) And I would like to call it beauty,
Strained as love's become, it still amazes me
And I would like to call it beauty, ....

You can keep it all locked up in your leaden chest
Or you can lay mouth open on the water's edge
But all your angels and your God will stitch and wash you

Oh I would like to call, call it beauty,
Strained as love's become, it still amazes me
And I would like to call it beauty, ....


love,

ps. oh my fucking gosh. brilliant seats, screaming sissy partner and midnight maccas runs. sickeningly good saturday!