thought #218- let it out

to be honest, i haven't felt like writing in this for awhile. i find myself, almost by second nature, clicking "new post" and never getting past thought #218 before exiting the tab. this isn't because i've lost the blogging spark or desire to write my musings in an (often forgotten) unfiltered manner but only because it feels like i'm just repeating myself in terms of subject. for the past few months my thoughts have been nothing but one long thought, elongated into segregated pieces of my heart and skull. it feels like all my posts have this relentless underlying theme embedded through my pretty words, internal bitterness and diminishing grammer and punctuation. and it feels like this will continue until one day,  i find my breakthrough, my eureka, a moment which causes me to find a different subject to mull my days over. and to finally let go of what's really been eating me inside.

but sadly that day hasn't arrived. and i fear you will be hearing more of myself verbally rewinding and playing and rewinding once again. who would have thought it would be this hard. honestly, i didn't think it would be. but then again i've never really liked someone as much as i've liked this certain human being. so much so that not even years later, other people later, changes later can actually erase. some sadistic people may actually comment that it's cute. and it would be so if we were actually together and feelings are elucidated and people are happy and not this vicious cycle of mixed signals, meetings that will never happen, an undying stubborn will to not give up and let go. i really don't know what's wrong with me. how strong and in control i can be for other things and yet be so fucked up over one scintilla of detail in my life. 

i've always been the one who would think "i can't believe she can't get over him, how pathetic!" only to ironically find myself in the same position. i think this whole internal heartstring struggle is what refrains me from ever entering anything more or deeper than a carnal lust. it sucks. it really does suck. if only things were cleared way before and if only he didn't have to be so difficult. if only remains as a teasing echo that i wish never existed. and deep down the thing that hurts the most is that he probably doesn't even know how much i care and how hurt i really am. and the fact that he probably thinks that there is no longer an issue with us or the concept of an us for him to even think that there should be an issue to start from is what murders me from within. the possibility that this single- sided struggle will continue on for me and i will still keep on hurting and never really recovering while he remains fine, dandy and can fall in love with someone again is why i will still be writing pathetic rants and blog posts about him thought after thought after thought.

love,

thought# 202- truth be told

i have had many days pass since we parted ways.

some mundane and monochrome, stuck watching the blur of crusted rooftops, busy streets and anonymous farragoes of flesh and bone through a vandalised train window. ordering a daily dose of caffeine, the smell of toasting bread, walking towards university, music echoing in the caverns of a broken eardrum, more strangers. slightly trembling at the cold weather, second cigarette, second coffee, second opportunity at quitting dismissed. reading a book, eating katsu, withdrawing money, avoiding "see your balance." repeat public transport ritual, return home to the silence of an empty, haunting abode. repeat, repeat, repeat.

some days are eventful and memorable. stuck between the reoccuring notion of a face and a name and vodka. happy to converse, happy to dance and forget the misery of living such an opaque life. another inappropriate photograph, another handsome stranger you've missed the opportunity of befriending. late night fast food, toilet bowl and pillow interchangable for tonight. loud sing-a-longs to songs you hate when you're sober but suddenly adore when you're not. you're singleness a reason for your recklessness. casual. telling the truth to someone you're about to kiss. no recollection the morning after. two panadols and a hot shower. never again.

but there has not been one day that you have not come into thought. not one day where i don't think of how simple things would be if things were not how they were now. not a single day where i hold your letters above my bin but cowardly return them to their hiding place. not a day i don't want to message to say hello because that is what normal people, normal friends do. not a single day where i wonder if you're well and happy and thinking to yourself, i'm glad things didn't work out with her. not one day i want to punch you in the balls for being so difficult. not a day passes where i pick up my pen start with dear... and never get past your name. not one day where i am not internally tortured, externally nonchalant.

i have had many days pass since we parted ways. truth be told, it feels like i've existed in only one since that day.

love,