thought# 202- truth be told

i have had many days pass since we parted ways.

some mundane and monochrome, stuck watching the blur of crusted rooftops, busy streets and anonymous farragoes of flesh and bone through a vandalised train window. ordering a daily dose of caffeine, the smell of toasting bread, walking towards university, music echoing in the caverns of a broken eardrum, more strangers. slightly trembling at the cold weather, second cigarette, second coffee, second opportunity at quitting dismissed. reading a book, eating katsu, withdrawing money, avoiding "see your balance." repeat public transport ritual, return home to the silence of an empty, haunting abode. repeat, repeat, repeat.

some days are eventful and memorable. stuck between the reoccuring notion of a face and a name and vodka. happy to converse, happy to dance and forget the misery of living such an opaque life. another inappropriate photograph, another handsome stranger you've missed the opportunity of befriending. late night fast food, toilet bowl and pillow interchangable for tonight. loud sing-a-longs to songs you hate when you're sober but suddenly adore when you're not. you're singleness a reason for your recklessness. casual. telling the truth to someone you're about to kiss. no recollection the morning after. two panadols and a hot shower. never again.

but there has not been one day that you have not come into thought. not one day where i don't think of how simple things would be if things were not how they were now. not a single day where i hold your letters above my bin but cowardly return them to their hiding place. not a day i don't want to message to say hello because that is what normal people, normal friends do. not a single day where i wonder if you're well and happy and thinking to yourself, i'm glad things didn't work out with her. not one day i want to punch you in the balls for being so difficult. not a day passes where i pick up my pen start with dear... and never get past your name. not one day where i am not internally tortured, externally nonchalant.

i have had many days pass since we parted ways. truth be told, it feels like i've existed in only one since that day.

love,