thought #199- alphabet soup

A is for age: nineteen

B is for booze of choice: voddy and cranberry. i'm so ocd with cranberry juice it's inhuman.

C is for career: most likely: corporate and/or legal. dream: fashion editor.

D is for your next destination: most likely: domestic, like melbourne. dream: london.

E is for essential items to bring to a party: booze, a good attitude, bad dances moves, good conversation starters and panadol for the morning after.

F is for favourite song at the moment: el scorcho- weezer. it's ridiculous but makes my day.
G is for favourite game: angry birds. i can't get past some levels leaving me very unsatisfied and frustrated.

H is for home town: sydney

I is for instruments you play: piano, pathetically.

J is for jam or jelly you like: strawberry or raspberry
K is for kids: yes, two. a boy and girl in that order please.

L is for living arrangements: still at home. in time i'll get over leaching, but i know my parents will be secretly heartbroken when that day happens.

M is for music genre: anything, music confinement is not good for your soul.

N is for name of your fav city: london. it will be.

O is for overnight hospital stays: none, early morning at emergency yes.

P is for phobias: that free falling feeling gives me the creeps.

Q is for quotes you like: i have a million. one would be "we hope, more than anything, for more"- michael cunningham in the hours.

R is for what you love to read: modern lit ala plath, nabakov, woolf. but i also enjoy neruda's poetry, cs lewis quotes, coming of age novels, shakespeare (yes i know) and the occasional erotica from anais nin haha.

S is for sartorial style: monochrome, fabric experimentation, very minimalistic, flatforms, an unexpected subtle punch of colour, old and new. 

T is for time you wake up: these days its usually 7am. i miss my 1pm wake up calls.

U is for underwear: good old bonds.

V is for vegetables you love: lettuce, cucumber, carrots and snowpeas.

W is for weekend plans: this weekend will consist of work, church and maybe an overdue playdate.

X is for x-rays you've had: only for my braces

Y is for yummy food you make: i used to make killer brownies and quiches but i haven't made them in awhile. so i don't know.

Z is for zodiac sign: ariessss

thought #198- a little older and a little less wiser

so my birthday was one lacking in extravagance but it contained all the elements i needed to have a good time- friends, booze and a bathtub. after meeting up with sam, we checked into the cambridge hotel for the evening, got ready and met the rest of the beloved crew at the beresford. after much intoxication we relocated to oxford arts, bumping into chris, grinding with strangers and almost getting kicked out due to my giddy behaviour in the process. soon the rain started to descend upon us and after failing to quite meet up with my SG girls, we returned to the warmth and quiet of the hotel room. still mildly scattered, we stripped in the tub, chatted and sipped tea, momentarily seeing chris and friends once again. after their short and sweet appearance, we attempted to sleep. my sleep was not at all comforting and much of the night was spent shivering and chundering. after we woke,  we visited the goods cafe for some hearty hangover helping saturday brunch. mads and i accompanied ben and eugene on an oxford st. shopping spree, casually grabbing a beer and trying our luck at the pokies on the way (we failed miserably). after we rode on the train back to parramatta, stopping off for a hot choc fix at max brenner before parting ways. my saturday night concluded with a meal at outback with the familia. and thus concludes the recount of my big night. no biggie

love,

thought #197- one year younger.

i promise i will elaborate on the festivities of the nineteenth and the more serious matters running through my system but i'll leave it be for now because i have an exam tomorrow and all i really want to do is complete a nonsensical quiz (regards to my cousin). typical.

NAME: abigail ann cruz
AGE: 19
BIRTHDATE: april 15 1992
PRESENT ADDRESS: sydney, Australia

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. last beverage = ocean's fresh classic cranberry
2. last phone call = dad
3. last text message = eleanor
 4. last song you listened to =postmodern girls- the strokes ft. regina spektor
5. last time you cried = don't judge me (and i blame it strongly on the hangover and my overtly emotional condition) but it was while watching a repeat of definitely, maybe.
  
HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated someone twice = no
7. been cheated on = yes and no
8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes
9. lost someone special = indeed
10. been depressed = yes
11. been drunk and threw up = yes, i'm a bit of a chunderer.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. monochrome
13. beige
14. yellow

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = yes
16. Fallen out of love = no
17. Laughed until you cried = yes
18. Met someone who changed you = definitely
19. Found out who your true friends were = yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you = no
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = yes

GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = majority, i'm in the process of deleting strangers.
24. Do you have any pets = no
25. Do you want to change your name = not really, i see no point
26. What did you do for your last birthday = friday = bathtubs, rain, wine, awkward encounters, birthday kisses and 6am chunder.
27. What time did you wake up today= 7, late as usual.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = watching love actually haha
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = to graduate, find the man of my dreams, travel and move out. 
 30. Last time you saw your Mother = was today
 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = i dont know
32. What are you listening to right now = nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?=yes
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = it's a long story
35. Most visited webpage = facebook
37. Nickname = abi, abs, babs,
38. Relationship Status = single 
39. Zodiac sign = aries
40. He or She = she
41. Elementary = toongabbie christian school
42. High School = toongabbie christian school
43. College = UTS
44. Hair color = dark dark brown
45. Long or short = mid length
46. Height = towards the shorter half
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = god, it's complicated
48. What do you like about yourself? = my social awkwardness
50. Tattoos= uno
51. Righty or lefty=righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery= nothing yet
53. First piercing = ears
54. First best friend = edwina or rachel
55. First sport you joined = sport? such a foreign concept
56. First vacation = usa
58. First pair of trainers =i don't even remember

RIGHT NOW:

 59. Eating = nothing
60. Drinking = nothing
61. I'm about to=do a little casual creeping, read some blogs then try to go to bed
62. Listening to = nothing
63. Waiting for = tomorrow

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? = yes 2, a boy and a girl
 65. Get Married? = yes hopefully
66. Career? = somewhere along the legal/corporate field. but who knows i might do something totally out of whack.

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes = eyes
68. Hugs or kisses= hugs
69. Shorter or taller = taller
70. Older or Younger = older
71. Romantic or spontaneous = both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = both
 73. Sensitive or loud = both
74. Hook-up or relationship =relationship unless circumstances call for a hook-up.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = kind of
77. Drank hard liquor = yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts = no
79. Sex on first date = fuck no.
80. Broke someone's heart =unintentionally
81. Had your own heart broken = yes 
82. Been arrested = no
83. Turned someone down = yes
84. Cried when someone died= yes
85. Fallen for a friend = yes, sigh

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = at times
87. Miracles = definitely
88. Love at first sight =lust
89. Heaven = yes
 90. Santa Claus = no
91. Kiss on the first date =depends
92. Angels = yes.

love,

thought #196- nineteen

its been a tradition of mine to look back in retrospect at all the encounters of the past year, the lessons and mistakes, the unanticipated triumphs and bewildering heartaches and most importantly what to optimistically expect for this year to come. so i'm turning nineteen. i've always considered this age to be somewhat insignificant, indifferently allocated in between the year of legality and official adulthood. there's not much reason to celebrate being nineteen other than you've survived a year where everything was permissible and are now looking forward to a year where everything is suddenly grown up. it feels like nineteen can be compared to a twilight zone, a waiting room where one twiddles their thumbs and wonders what is next on the agenda of existence.

but i guess it was only today, amidst a regular hectic day, that i paused to think of this year as a fork in the road. honestly, nothing extravagant nor life- changing has actually occurred as of yet but i truly believe in the dictating power of 2011. i have so many convictions, questions to answer, priorities to arrange and a life to live. i know i have so many more places to go, handsome strangers to perve on, certain people to forgive and forget, filthy habits to quit and a lot more growing up to do in between. a future awaits. i know deep down that i'm not satisfied with life as we speak and no matter how many times i tell myself "i'll change" or "ill get over this when i get older" the reality/possibility of a life with this reoccurring, habitual, self destroying pattern frightens me. i know its soul- disintegrating, i know i lose myself physically but i cannot imagine where to begin to cease myself from such a demise.

i guess this is my true, confessional birthday wish. i want to prepare myself to enter adulthood on a right note. not in a condition of destruction, confusion, hurt and bitterness. but one with hope and purpose and back to what i originally loved: the Creator and not what i adore now: myself. i don't know how but maybe one by one i want to pick up the wreckage of my life, the marred unwillingness of myself and finally get it into my head that this life is beyond, as much pleasure i get out of it sipping red wine on a balmy evening, smoking my cigarettes, laughing at my own lewd thoughts and caring about the space i preoccupy in this world, me.

hopefully it can happen.

love,