its been a tradition of mine to look back in retrospect at all the encounters of the past year, the lessons and mistakes, the unanticipated triumphs and bewildering heartaches and most importantly what to optimistically expect for this year to come. so i'm turning nineteen. i've always considered this age to be somewhat insignificant, indifferently allocated in between the year of legality and official adulthood. there's not much reason to celebrate being nineteen other than you've survived a year where everything was permissible and are now looking forward to a year where everything is suddenly grown up. it feels like nineteen can be compared to a twilight zone, a waiting room where one twiddles their thumbs and wonders what is next on the agenda of existence.
but i guess it was only today, amidst a regular hectic day, that i paused to think of this year as a fork in the road. honestly, nothing extravagant nor life- changing has actually occurred as of yet but i truly believe in the dictating power of 2011. i have so many convictions, questions to answer, priorities to arrange and a life to live. i know i have so many more places to go, handsome strangers to perve on, certain people to forgive and forget, filthy habits to quit and a lot more growing up to do in between. a future awaits. i know deep down that i'm not satisfied with life as we speak and no matter how many times i tell myself "i'll change" or "ill get over this when i get older" the reality/possibility of a life with this reoccurring, habitual, self destroying pattern frightens me. i know its soul- disintegrating, i know i lose myself physically but i cannot imagine where to begin to cease myself from such a demise.
i guess this is my true, confessional birthday wish. i want to prepare myself to enter adulthood on a right note. not in a condition of destruction, confusion, hurt and bitterness. but one with hope and purpose and back to what i originally loved: the Creator and not what i adore now: myself. i don't know how but maybe one by one i want to pick up the wreckage of my life, the marred unwillingness of myself and finally get it into my head that this life is beyond, as much pleasure i get out of it sipping red wine on a balmy evening, smoking my cigarettes, laughing at my own lewd thoughts and caring about the space i preoccupy in this world, me.
hopefully it can happen.
love,
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