thought# 204- life? this is just practice

i think its easier for me to talk about myself allusively especially when it comes to feelings and emotions and all that shit that ruptures my heart and mind incessantly. maybe because it's easier to reveal yourself when you don't know and don't care who receives your secrets. maybe because it's easier to reveal yourself when the unknown who receive your secrets are unaware of just how much something means to you. i think, through the years, i've mastered this art of becoming indifferent and aloof towards matters pertaining to the heart. i hate saying that i miss someone insanely even when it's all i can think about internally. i hate admitting i still feel for someone even in the midst of entertaining somebody new. i say i'm fine and there's nothing to talk about when my insides are like an overflowing bathtub; i am attempting suicide and half-way through i realise i still want to live but it's too late and i'm thrashing around like a ridiculous fucking lunatic.

i don't do this because i'm a coldhearted bitch. neither is it because i want to display some delusional perception of strength. it just boils down to me being scared. i'm frightened deep down. frightened if there are no barriers between my helpless little self and the wall i build around my weaknesses then i have nothing. i'm not saying i've never given myself away before. i've liked, more than liked, i've shared pieces of my world with others and consequently i've gotten bruised and become road kill. do i regret that i chose to use my heart? hell no. but that doesn't erase the fact that it's just made me scared shitless.

self-preservation perhaps. but whatever it is, i have to be honest, it's not going to change. i guess it's a rehearsal for when the real deal arrives in my life but until then i will keep myself guarded and allow my insides to wallow in their little secrets and be just that little bit frightened, but never shut, to let someone in.

love,

PS."I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love." wish i was like him.