thought #261- declare then do

i want to:

• step out of the mundane, banality of life. find out what i really want and what i really love and seek it without qualm. 
• find my home. travel between borders, collect memories of locations and evenings and people, then finally settle down to where my conscience, career and community peacefully reside (wherever that may be). 
• stop falling in lust and start falling in love. i don't want to settle for someone's nasty leftovers nor be the constant centre piece of temporary affinity influenced by copious amounts of champagne. 
• pay more attention to the condition of my soul. stop ignoring the relationship that helped me build virtues, values, faith and goodness for the people around me. stop being so selfish as to think i'm wasting time with the one who took his to craft me in all my complexity. 
• be less avaricious, more ambitious. i want to be driven by goals, by that personal satisfaction, by inspiration and the success of strategies created from my own whim not because i have to prove anything to anyone else or base my life on materialistic measures. 
• sing and write more. i say it every year but i do mean it. i want to make more music and refine the art. i want this year to overflow with experiences, feelings, thoughts transposed into music and lyrics. 
• appreciate the little things more. from home cooked meals, to the fact that i have a roof under my head and a family who loves me unconditionally, from a gorgeous sunset to the beauty of stranger's stance. 
• learn another language. french first, spanish second, then italian, then who knows where it may lead?
• live in a mantra of positivity. that there is hope, everything will work out. that time is not an obstacle. i want to manifest and generate light into the people i know and the ones i am yet to meet. 
• declare then do. i don't want wishes and hopes to be merely contained to this blog entry (as what i find myself constantly doing) but instead i want to make it happen. now is the time. 

love,

thought #216- life detox

Things i want to do/have/achieve before i'm 21.

• travel to europe
• my undergraduate degree
• my Ps
• become vegetarian for a period in my life
• expand friperie
• get a boy
• shares
• a savings account with actual savings
• learn another language
• get inked again

so to kick things off, i'm going to be pesco vegetarian for a month as part of my life detox. eventually i'm going to try straight out vegetarian but since it's my first time to deprive myself of any delicious animal, i don't want to cut out meat entirely and abruptly. hopefully i'll just get used to having minimal amounts that i'll eventually be able to just be vego. why this random decision you ask? well i've certainly been thinking about it for awhile now. i'm not much of  a physically active person and lately, due to the goodness of uni and work, my diet in general has been rather appalling. i thought it would be good to living healthy by eating healthy and ridding/limiting myself of uni staples in the hope of improving my health. i'm starting with small goals so i've begun with a month but who knows, this stint might end up till the rest of year. but from august 1 its goodbye meat and fatty foods and hello to a life of organic-ism haha. with that i'm going cold turkey on the cigs (probably the hardest thing, next to my abstinence of chicken) and limiting my alcohol intake to a glass whenever i'm out. i'm also limiting my coffee breaks to one to two cups a week (beginning and middle) with tea and hot chocolate as my susbtitute together with water duh. lastly i've committed myself to at least 1/2 hr of exercise each day (aka just dance on wii) hopefully this will improve my current physical condition.

the rest is still pending but i'm sure working on it.

love,

thought#163- summer lovin'

i cannot absolutely wait until finals are done with and i can begin enjoying my summer. the to-do list has emerged once again with much to do and accomplish. so here's the holiday schedule and a farewell to all things dignified and a bank account with money in it.

the summer holiday list:

1. pass all spring subjects (must, must, must).
2. finalise 2011 timetable.
3. GET Ps!
4. work all day.
5. play and party with lovelies.
6. purchase entire box sets of daria and skins.
7. visit the beach
8. go on a holiday (be it local or wherever, in dire need to escape).
9. grow locks.
10. lose winter wobble.
11. get inked.
12. record.
13. write.
14. gig.
15. absinthe salon.
16. cooking classes.
17. dinner and high tea.
18. organise friperie
19. sponsor a compassion child.
20. love life. 

oh this summer looks so amazing. now to study and momentarily anguish about my teritary study.

love,

thought #143- tickle me pink

Day 24- Whatever tickles you’re fancy

ten things that tickle my fancy (what an odd saying):

1. handsome, quirky, geeky cute, awkward strangers.
2. a good brunch dish.
3. penning down a song.
4. a good read.
5. a bargain.
6. sleeping in.
7. a night out with my favourite people.
8. amazing dnms.
9. mimco.
10. sounds.

love,

thought #134- shuffle

Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

1. mysteries- yeah yeah yeahs. i love karen o's screaming near the end.
2. fire eye'd boy- broken social scene. for when i'm feeling alternative.
3. how to save a life (acoustic)- the fray. its emotional and raw.
4. karma- alicia keys. i love this song, especially in moments of feminist empowerment.
5. in your eyes (acoustic)- ben harper. i adore the fact that it's live.
6. yankee bayonet (i will be home then)- the decemberists. this is a random country-esque song. 
7. you give me something- james morrison. i still really fancy this song. maybe because i fancy morrison's sexy damaged vocals and cheesy lyrics.
8. still here- natasha bedingfield. another emotional song.
9. parallel universe- red hot chili peppers. always need a bit of old school in your system.
10. planet new year- sarah blasko. love this song!

love,

thought #127- mid-year resolutions

Day 08 - Short term goals for this month and why

as of august:

1. get a job. because its absolutely lifeless without an income and too much spare time.
2. actually study this semester. because i dont want another repeat of last's. 
3. get fit. health is wealth.
4. cut back on the filthy habits. self explanatory
5. remain single and uninvolved with the male kind. its easier that way.
6. rattle musical bones. they are starting to become dormant.
7. keep writing. even when there's no external worth. it keeps you sane
8. GET Ps. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 
9. be a better person. because i've been a plain old hag last month haha.

love,

thought #111- holiday mode

so i'm trying to find every possible reason, excuse and alibi to not study for tuesday's management final exam and as a result i have concocted some possible holiday options on a peasant's budget (if that is even possible?). and so begins the listing and the wishing and waiting in the hope that reality doesn't disappoint and winter finally gets into my good books.

abi's ten things to do this semester break:

1. visit the bavarian bier cafe and have an anticipated metre long schnapps train.
note: if i pass out, convulse or anything of the like, burn every photo of evidence. also don't believe a word i say, especially if it begins with "i love..." or " if this was my last night alive..." haha.

2. beat the unemployment blues and get a job.
note: this should reverse the overspending and miraculously introduce me to the alien concept of saving.

3. visit ben and jerry's at manly.
note: i know ice cream in winter is seen as either insane, cliche or romantic but i refrain from any preconceived ideas. i just want my damn ice cream alright?

4. go on holidays with my bestfriend.
note: it would of been my two, but the other is off canoodling with european hunks somewhere in the northern hempisphere (im so jealous and miss you!).
so a destination and date unknown, though it will most likely be domestic. i don't even care as long as we escape to a place where no one knows who we are.

5. read and write.
note: finish articles for sounderrated.com, finish all the books i began and did not end (bulgakov, dahl, nais etc).

6. have that miyazaki movie marathon.
note: i know this is long overdue, so i will call my two boys soon and find all those movies we shall view until the early hours of the morning.

7. drive more.
note: i know the recurrent theme of "soon" in association to getting my Ps is shit stirring. once i have conquered parking i promise i'll book my test.

8.  have little catch ups with many people.
note: whether this incorporates ALOT OF CHATTER combined with taking photographs from an old camera, high tea, vintage shopping, din din, wine and michael cera movies at mine, secret playdates, getting a little messy, coffee, a little road trip, the movies, strolling the sydney streets, or nothing at all... i miss your presence. we will see each other soon. if you don't hear from me, i want to hear from you.

9. attend the strokes concert.
note: scantily clad, despite the freezing weather. potentially crushed in a moshpit and rubbing up against sweaty strangers. partly drunk, partly lust- asphyxiated. for the love of julian.

10. cook.
note: at mine or yours, grocery shopping included. straight from a family old recipe or a cookbook. who will be my partner in crime?
this will also be a guiltless means of winter gorging, before i starve myself for the spring (i kid, calm down haha).

love,

ps. now this a real holiday, sigh.
pps. i need a break from life haha.

thought # 109- i dare you to be happy

i've been musing lately about alot of the things that i don't like. the things that annoy me, the people that confuse me, the problems, mistakes, moroseness and the negativity. frankly, it has left me with an empty bottle of vodka, pages of scribbles, sad songs on repeat, a lack of motivation to study and a backward appreciation/expectancy for the future. everything synonymous with being emotional and depressed (everything i blame the weather for, when clearly it's my fault). how pathetic.

i miss being happy. i know that sounds sappy, but its true. i miss smiling for no reason, not caring for anything problematic, sneaking downstairs to eat ice cream from the tub, anticipating tomorrow and the next day, listening to cheesy 90's songs, feeling jittery like a little girl and waking up with so much more than my own existence to look forward to. i know this is odd, but i feel better after writing a list of things i adore. i know, some people eyebrow rise and think what a freak. but whatever works for you. whatever gets you happy; be it skinny dipping, getting an impulsive piercing, speaking in silences, eating chocolate cake or slow dancing with your lover. whatever it is, write a list, remind yourself, do it.

abi's seventeen things i love:

1. beautiful girls with long dishevelled hair and hoop nose rings.
2. having a warm bath with a book and a million candles.
3. scrabble.
4. singing lame songs on karaoke whilst intoxicated.
5. playing dress- ups.
6. the smell of fresh cookies you've baked.
7. high tea.
8. taking the loveliest photos with old cameras.
9. the ugly phase of a haircut.
10. cuddling up to a friend/stranger/lover whilst watching anything french or michael cera related.
11. memories of pay day.
12. deep and meaningful conversations.
13. reunions.
14. hersheys chocolate.
15. perving on handsome strangers on the bus that don't even know you exist.

16. quirky, cute websites and blogs like www. twothousand.com, www.hel-looks.com and my new favourite http://thxthxthx.com/
17. no pressure, sweet nothings.

love,

ps. wait make that eighteen things i love: 18. c.s. lewis quotes.
pps. thanks ben, i adore your tumblr.

thought #84- you're the tyrant and i am the fool

i don't believe i've made a list in awhile. i do miss them. i was contemplating about what list i could possibly entertain you (but moreso myself with) and after much deliberation regarding the circumstances of life as we speak, i thought this list is so ridiculous, hilarious, blunt and convicting but so damn true haha. so here it goes:

the 11 part vicious cycle of things we shouldn't do yet still do again, and again and again. 
by abigail cruz.

1. hypocrisy. verbally declaring your disapproval of hooking up all night at parties only to find yourself doing the exact same thing. oh the irony. solution? stick a plank in your eye. 
2. binging. it makes you want to throw up and never eat for a month, yet we find ourselves hiking the infinite mountain of chocolate, lollies, processed delicacies. and in that moment of self-realisation and shame, all you can really do is pulverise your weighing scales and curse your self control, i guess haha. solution? learn self control!
3. impulsive shopping. i dont mean small, addictive little purchases. i mean splurging your life savings on something as trivial as a bag (guilty) or jewellery or that new phone, heels etc. what's more worse than sleeping under a blanket of bills? regret and knowing that it'll be obsolete in a few seasons time haha. solutions? get someone to hide your credit card or force an allowance upon you.
4. addictions. whether its cigarettes, crack, alcohol, 5 gum or all of the above, we often find ourselves unphased by the fact that we're hacking ourselves internally everyday by doing it. sigh haha. solution? mental and physical rehab haha
5. stalking. yes, im guilty i admit. we find ourselves vicariously living through strangers we see sitting adjacent to us on the bus, fleetingly through the car window while driving on the highway or even at university. its one of those weird, creepy pleasures in life ha. solution? meet real people, the normal way. if all else fails buy a dummy and call her bianca. 
6. swearing. i am so so guilty of this. i know, profanities are horrible and especially to label someone by a profanity (of which i am against) and sore to the ears yet we find it slip our tounges ever so often. solution? sticky tape mouth. 
7. competition. i know its innately human to want to compare and compete and be the best. but for fucks sake, i think we should all just be content from time to time. i mean there is healthy competition then there are the ones that blow it out of proportion and chuck shits over not having the best hair, clothes, muscles, house, car and you name it. solution? give everything up and live in  a developing country slum for a year.
8. superficiality. i think this is somewhat correlated to every point mentioned before, but really we mock the trivial people in our world yet find ourselves starring in the mirror at the same time. its ridiculous and kills a little inside to hear but so true. solution? think. read a book, write about what you see, anything that doesnt have to do with you and being something better than the univserse. 
9. lying. OMG. i may be a culprit and repeat offender but lying, especially when you know you'll be found out or lying to the face of someone you love and trust is just unforgivable. i mean its so low and selfish. but there is veracity in james morrison ft. nelly furtardo's song broken strings "truth hurts, but lies worse." solution? how would you feel if no one was honest with you? yes you'd be screwed over. keep that in mind.
10. temptation. we all know our limits yet always try to bend, manipulate or even snap them altogether. we're one to promise abstinence yet let your bf sleep over, or im not going to eat that 934057075 calorie cake yet stand by the bakery/shop door. or i'm not going to drink yet party at a pub. things like that. solution? remove yourself from risky situations, really it saves lives just like jesus.
11. falling for people. when you know you shouldn't because they're either: absolute bitches/ dicks and both you and the entire cosmos know you deserve better than that, taken, flirting around yet taken, players, they take, take, take and never give, call you when they're lonely and become strangers when they're not, those type with extra luggage and the list perpetuates. basically people you shouldn't fall in love with. but of course the mind is usually defeated in this case and even after being shred into pieces whilst promising never to carelessly give ones heart away, you find yourself repeating this motion after a trivial encounter and not even a span of seconds before the last. solution? wait. wait and pray. wait and pray and visit the library/park/coffee shop you go to everyday. he's bound to show up. 

love,

ps. irrelevant but i love van gogh. i know how people think its creepy and screwed that he cut his ear and all, but i think thats why i like him better haha.

thought # 41- loathe and love

im being a copycat and jumping on the bandwagon of my dear friends eleanor clark and jason tam and combining their love and hate list into one haha.

17 things i love and loathe

1. i love- planning playdates. i loathe- when the playdate participants call fifteen minutes before with a trivial excuse of not going haha.
   
2. i love- jelly belly 50 flavour trays. i loathe- the sickening feeling after consumption in which it feels like your mouth has been fixated in a pot of honey. 
3. i love- shopping. i loathe- the empty wallet and the failure that is synonymous with "saving."
4. i love- the evolution of technology. i loathe- getting capped, things lagging and disconnecting, free midday television shows.
5. i love- the beach and city adventures. i loathe- the lack of shade, turning two shades darker and getting another sprinkle of freckles to the face.
6. i love- my favourites. i loathe- that im often too busy to see them these days.
7. i love- my macbook. i loathe- nothing about it haha oh maybe that it gets hot quite easily.
8. i love- london and europe. i loathe- that i haven't visited it yet.
9. i love- air conditioning on scorching days such as today. i loathe- the annoying sound of my next door neighbour's air conditioning which runs 24/7. 
10. i love- being an only child. i loathe- "the my baby forever" or "my one and only" syndrome.
11. i love- the strokes on maximum volume, the mars volta in the morning, damien rice at night and karen o's punchy vocals in between. i loathe- my family's remarks "thats not music? thats noise!" 
12. i love- skype. i loathe- connection losts haha.
13. i love- laughing at anything and everything. i loathe- when im the only one laughing or mistaking a serious moment by laughing uncontrollably haha. 
14. i love- watching other people dance, regardless how ridiculous or brilliant they are. i loathe- being peer pressure to join haha. 
15. i love-  perving on handsome strangers. i loathe- when handsome strangers see me perving and i obviously feign and obviously fail haha.
16. i love- liquid eyeliner. i loathe- smudging.
17. i love- blogs. i loathe- the lack of appreciation in reading, writing or taking the time to bask in the creativity, intelligence and randomness of other people in the world.  

love

ps. i love- julian casablancas phrazes for the young. i loathe- how he's married and old haha.

thought # 2- i am inspired by...

due to my lack of inspiration, i thought i would summon brilliance from the things that fortify me the most. this may be totally irrelevant to you but i challenge you to try some from the list and watch creativity ooze out of your brain like brad pitt getting shot in the head in that closet by george clooney in burn after reading (great movie, gross analogy sorry haha).

the 20 part inspiration list 

1. the Creator, the origin and source of all things creative and living. 
2. www.hel-looks.com and www.lookbook.nu. i could honestly spend sleepless days on these sites, oh street fashion God bless you.
3. modern novels. from truman capote, virginia woolf to vladmir nabakov... there is honestly something inspiring about depression, pedophiles, lesbians, insanity and milk (i.e. a clockwork orange).
4. foreign/abstract/hayao miyazaki films. because they actually make you think.
5. photographs. from bloodied bedsheets, animal heads on a beautiful girl, a brilliant sky or lovers fighting and flying kites on a summer afternoon, they capture everything it means to be human.
6. ugly, understated and unconventional things. the inspiration comes in finding the beauty of such objects/people. 
7. music. all you need is a pen, paper and someone as captivating as eva cassidy or bjork to compel you into a trance.
8. ikea. because if its furniture doesn't already get you excited, recollections of coming to this place and being buried alive in those ball-filled play rooms will. 
9. strangers. they may either end up as dicks or great people, like relationships really. 
10. cute awkward boys (personally there is one in particular).
11. ghosts. friendly ones like casper at least. 
12. my grandparents they remind me that aging isn't all that bad.
13. androgyny don't you love blurring the lines of he or she or shim?
14. morbidity i personally hate watching gore but horror stories told are precious jewels.
15. insomnia sometimes the best things written, made or said come from a state of frustrated, half- awake, abusive emotions.
16. beautiful jewellery because they either tell a family story, or remind you of queens and kings of ancient cultures and epochs... who most likely ended their lives hung, decapitated or something so very tragic.
17. triviality the little details are what spur big dreams and creativity.
18. the eastern suburbs of sydney it must be the aura, the poshy swank urban territory of the wealthy but look like they borrowed clothes off a hobo down the street. the markets, boutiques and culture infusion is sickeningly splendid.
19. fringes of every shape and form, i plan to write a tale one day beginning with a fringe. 
20. blogs other people's thoughts, inspirations and methods of handling life 

love 

p.s.  this photograph inspired me to write this today, many thanks to whoever posted this.