thought #164- happiness is not an emotion, its a state of mind

Day 3: A photo that makes you happy

i have many photos that make me happy. it's almost impossible to simply select one. i've decided to base my answers on this challenge in regards to 2010 (unless instructed otherwise) so narrowing it down (still difficult) it would have to be this photo

this was taken in april 2010, for my 18th birthday dinner. i have to say that this night was one to place in the subconscious pile of eventful, amazing moments in life. in the company of the people i adored, 5 star hotel dining, followed by a messy night clubbing. it was exactly how i wanted my 18th to be, refined and a little wild simultaneously. i remember being in a state of euphoria at this point of life. not a care in the world. uni still being breezy, heart still intact, friends and family by my side. it really was such an amazing night of this year. i still can't help grin whenever i see this. i miss it, but i know life can only get much better than this.

love,

thought 159#- we're friends not just.

so last week i unintentionally bumped into someone i  had previously adored. adored being an understatement. i was fantastically smitten over this guy to the point of ocd, unable to speak in his presence kind of pathetic shit (come on i was in year eight, give me a break). but anyway, i hadn't physically seen him for over a year so to casually exchange greetings and cheap conversation was nice. but to be honest i couldnt refrain from thinking at the back of my head "wow, i used to like crazy stalker love this guy." it was an awkward thought to be having whilst in mid-conversation but i couldn't help myself. as i walked away from that trivial encounter i realised/accepted something crucial. "we are just friends. and that's how it was always supposed to be." of course it would of saved me innumerable hours and moments of heartache, confusion and what not if i had merely accepted this fact but the journey is far more important than the destination in this context. 

i think its slightly frightening to see someone you used to have a past with, used to feel differently about, have memories that are much more than walking down the street and saying "how's it going?" and find that normality. at the back of your mind you wonder how to act. how can you just be friends when you never started off as one? but once you finally get to that place of realisation, once you are at peace it's honestly amazing. it feels like you're no longer competing or trying to figure something out that isn't even there. the deciphering, the obsessive crazed delusion is washed away by this understanding that life goes on and its very normal to filter through people and where they stand.

i can honestly say i am at rest with the guys who are affiliated with this concept. all but one. but we're getting there. i can finally be happy to say we're just friends and that's how its meant to be. life is so much better facing reality then abusing and bruising yourself over a fantasy, a mendacious hope that he'll wake up and realise we belong or some shit. i mean yes im slightly carnal to say that id be quite satisfied if all the people in the world that cracked open my heart would wake up and realise they want me back but can never again, but other than that im living in hope NOT illusion. if they're meant to be they'll be and if friendship is all that it's meant to be, then so be it.

love,

 

ps. i adore this movie! beyond the fact ryan reynolds graces us with his sexy presence and is momentarily fat and singing i swear haha.  

pps. friperie's spring collection is out pretty bitches and handsome pricks (haha totally kidding). check it out at http://friperiesydney.blogspot.com

thought # 109- i dare you to be happy

i've been musing lately about alot of the things that i don't like. the things that annoy me, the people that confuse me, the problems, mistakes, moroseness and the negativity. frankly, it has left me with an empty bottle of vodka, pages of scribbles, sad songs on repeat, a lack of motivation to study and a backward appreciation/expectancy for the future. everything synonymous with being emotional and depressed (everything i blame the weather for, when clearly it's my fault). how pathetic.

i miss being happy. i know that sounds sappy, but its true. i miss smiling for no reason, not caring for anything problematic, sneaking downstairs to eat ice cream from the tub, anticipating tomorrow and the next day, listening to cheesy 90's songs, feeling jittery like a little girl and waking up with so much more than my own existence to look forward to. i know this is odd, but i feel better after writing a list of things i adore. i know, some people eyebrow rise and think what a freak. but whatever works for you. whatever gets you happy; be it skinny dipping, getting an impulsive piercing, speaking in silences, eating chocolate cake or slow dancing with your lover. whatever it is, write a list, remind yourself, do it.

abi's seventeen things i love:

1. beautiful girls with long dishevelled hair and hoop nose rings.
2. having a warm bath with a book and a million candles.
3. scrabble.
4. singing lame songs on karaoke whilst intoxicated.
5. playing dress- ups.
6. the smell of fresh cookies you've baked.
7. high tea.
8. taking the loveliest photos with old cameras.
9. the ugly phase of a haircut.
10. cuddling up to a friend/stranger/lover whilst watching anything french or michael cera related.
11. memories of pay day.
12. deep and meaningful conversations.
13. reunions.
14. hersheys chocolate.
15. perving on handsome strangers on the bus that don't even know you exist.

16. quirky, cute websites and blogs like www. twothousand.com, www.hel-looks.com and my new favourite http://thxthxthx.com/
17. no pressure, sweet nothings.

love,

ps. wait make that eighteen things i love: 18. c.s. lewis quotes.
pps. thanks ben, i adore your tumblr.

thought #107- back to square one.

i am:

1. sick and tired of being sick and tired.
2. sooo over being a pessimist or a cynic or bitter.
3. learning the difficult way.
4. erasing any remnants of being foolishly idealistic, which exist in my system.
5. going to have some fun and be happy, even if it fucking kills me.
6. officially letting my heart hibernate and my mind operate.
7. going to start focussing on the bigger, eternal things in life.
8. finally going to slap my own face and force my knees to bend.
9. going to attempt to be independent.
10. never, ever going to cry in an emotional impulse regardless of how intoxicated or frustrated i maybe again.
11. giving it all up, not giving up.
12. tired of like/ not, hello/goodbye, i do/ i don't.
13. soldiering on, even if it means going back to the start.


love,

ps. i love fresh starts.

thought #101- everything will be alright

lately things have not been victorious. there has been an absence of days where one smiles to themselves and leave strangers muttering "freak" under their breath. there has been much confusion, uncertainty, hurt, distance. but i awoke this morning with a conscious question, if i don't choose to be happy then how will i ever be? if i don't help myself then who will? i guess i'm not a fan of feeling depressed. im tired of merely feeling, existing by the motions of day and night, sobbing pathetically and scribbling away frustration, cursing the cold weather, acting as if a mere season of trial justifies my degradation of age and maturity. 

and so as i sit in a freezing bedroom that is the coldest in winter, hottest in summer, starring blankly at an essay i am determined to complete today, my favourite tea at hand, the killer's ironically cooing "everything will be alright," trying not to dwell on the stupidity of my actions and hoping for the best, i choose to be happy. and no this doesnt mean i'm smiling at inanimate objects, nor has the feeling of joy instantaneously arrived and everything's amazing again. it just means i am willing to move forward, i'm willing to remove myself from such darkness. and trust in He who is greater than myself.

and irrespective of how i feel, i am always here, i really meant that. because feelings, rough times, mistakes shouldn't alter anything if they are genuinely promised.

love, 

ps. i hope so too. 

thought #89- just because

you know those splendid just because days? those days in which we chortle to ourselves at nothing in particular, sigh at nonsense and smile at inanimate objects as if they too can wholeheartedly understand how you feel? those days where you can say you are happy. not pathetic. not asleep; clearly aware and awake but happy because some sort of clarity has been found? ever experienced the fleeting moments where one melts internally but gives nothing away and moments where you wish time would co operate and unwind just so the day would last longer? have you ever felt like you were starring into someone's soul and you only look away because you are afraid of letting them in, but deep inside you are more than willing to throw a stone inside, splinter the divide and enter inside? have you ever just thought to yourself what are we doing? where are we going? what are we playing? only to allow no other question or over analysation hinder and wreck whatever is present?

you know those days where it takes no epiphany but once you know, you know? you know that feeling where you don't want to say love, or you don't want to frighten or you don't want to give yourself away merely because you're afraid of rejection but then things go pleasantly and you see no reason to rush? you know those days where you wish to repeat? you know that feeling of being grateful for what you presently have? you know that assurance that things will be fine, despite not knowing all the details or knowing the extent of what anyone truly feels? you know the feeling where you don't want to frighten but you want to be honest? you know those days where you can sleep at night, stare at the ceiling and be glad that the day took place?

today was one of those days.

love,

ps. love this movie, it's synonymous with these kind of days haha.

thought #71- catalyst

today is a brilliant day. especially since the past few weeks have been a regurgitated concoction of annoyance, ignorance, frustration, trampled hearts and unpleasant silence. i can wholeheartedly say i am happy. i know sappy and emotional but true. things are looking brighter, hope is being restored to my universe and the shit that ive been experiencing are slowly evaporating into understanding. people are co- operating, friends and strangers are causing me to smile and become amused, friperie is making me busy and blessed, uni is delightful (so far haha) and i am more appreciative of this future that awaits. this doesn't by any mean crush any bad days nor does it assure me of problem-free existence for the future. i am just happy and thankful.

love,

ps. this made me laugh uncontrollably. im slightly embarrassed now haha. circa 2006