thought #101- everything will be alright

lately things have not been victorious. there has been an absence of days where one smiles to themselves and leave strangers muttering "freak" under their breath. there has been much confusion, uncertainty, hurt, distance. but i awoke this morning with a conscious question, if i don't choose to be happy then how will i ever be? if i don't help myself then who will? i guess i'm not a fan of feeling depressed. im tired of merely feeling, existing by the motions of day and night, sobbing pathetically and scribbling away frustration, cursing the cold weather, acting as if a mere season of trial justifies my degradation of age and maturity. 

and so as i sit in a freezing bedroom that is the coldest in winter, hottest in summer, starring blankly at an essay i am determined to complete today, my favourite tea at hand, the killer's ironically cooing "everything will be alright," trying not to dwell on the stupidity of my actions and hoping for the best, i choose to be happy. and no this doesnt mean i'm smiling at inanimate objects, nor has the feeling of joy instantaneously arrived and everything's amazing again. it just means i am willing to move forward, i'm willing to remove myself from such darkness. and trust in He who is greater than myself.

and irrespective of how i feel, i am always here, i really meant that. because feelings, rough times, mistakes shouldn't alter anything if they are genuinely promised.

love, 

ps. i hope so too.