thought #99- when you're to blame

you know those days, moments, fleeting instances when everything you despise or loathe in a person you mimic exactly? and you find you're so fucking great at it too. when you don't intentionally mean to hurt the people you adore, when you're impulsively foolish, inconsiderate, selfish, unrelentless. i feel like i've succeeded in all of this lately. i wish i could elucidate, but that may be mistaken for petty justification and excuses. i wish i could rewind disappointment but then i'm held captive to regret.

its at this very moment where i realise how valuable wisdom is. Godly wisdom that has the ability to prevent you from being the jerk. perhaps i could blame it on my flawed, human self. but it doesnt make things better nor heal anything that's been scattered in the open. and so i have nothing left but to wholeheartedly apologise. i am not the person you have now conjured me up to be out of my foolish, stupid mouth. i am not the person you think has changed because of things i do not know or know now. i'm sorry i disappoint you innumerable times, im sorry im not the best daughter.

and i'm sorry i'm not the best girl. and when i'm honest i'm sorry that i come off as brash and blunt. i like you for more than you can offer, for more than the contents of your cupboards, for more than i take and you give ever so selflessly (as grateful as i always am). if there's one person to blame tonight...

it's me, and this time i will refuse to be in denial.

love,

 ps. self explanatory.