thought #241- Lost or just less found?

So lately and especially this week has been rather traumatic and stressful to say the least. I'm not usually one to engage in pressure tests but recent events and emotions have driven me to my wit's end. In one week the comfortable lull of my existence and routine has been interrupted by unexpected changes. Apart from influx of assignments, uni work and impending finals big game changers have reared its head. Firstly my job at zanui ended abruptly, due to downsizing. This was rather shocking and disappointing. I did enjoy working at the office and meeting these beautiful people whom I never really did get the opportunity to lengthen our chatters and lunches to after work shenanigans. The now sudden shortage of income has now caused a buckle in the savings but I hope to figure out my next step as soon as I get word from exchange. To be honest exchange has been the ball cruncher for me since April. I have been waiting ever patiently, praying to receive that acceptance letter but it he silence does frighten me. After receiving multiple housing offers I am still left in the dark regarding any offers and I fear rejection (especially in this case) may actually cause an internal crumbling. I don't know how much to express my desire to see Europe, to live independently, to taste the world and come back with broadened horizons, prospective job opportunities, more purpose and devotion and even that European hunk I've been salivating and saving myself for since forever Ahaha but really it is something my heart aches for and just the thought of not being given the chance kills me so much. I guess it's still hoping and praying and believing it will be good news for me. Then lastly there's the feelings. Lately my position romantic wise has looked bleak (lately? More like for two years haha). As I've articulated numerous times though the thought of a real deal relationship is appealing I think I'm in this stage and position in life where I just want to have fun. No I don't mean whore around and break hearts and spirits aha I just mean take things lightheartedly, don't rush, be brave and a little deranged at it but wise and guarded all the way through. And if that babe for me comes along in the process then I've hit jackpot if not I can save it for the settling down. I mean i admit this sort of mentality isnt for everyone but right now with the whole cosmos trying to grab a piece of attention, the less drama is all I could want. Recently I've been getting questioned about my feelings for the bestfraaaand and frankly I wouldn't say no to the chance, I wouldn't back out if it happened and i'd probably say yes if asked but the fact that this is all hypothetical is enough for me to believe its all a platonic companionship with us. Keeping our lonely selves occupied and being the gap between absolute loneliness and finding that boy/girl for each other. I think that's what it is and I don't want to ovrranslyse with a shitload of over complications imagined in the membrane haha. Plus let's not forget no closure probably the only guy I secretly and deeply down inside have never fully gotten over... Oh dear. Can you see why I'm feeling the heat? I crave for rest, peace, a Thai message, a Korean BBQ dinner, bud, retail therapy and good old chat with the Big Man. That's what I really want. Peace of mind.
Love,

PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.

thought #60- i want want want

when i was younger (and to this day) my mother used to tease me relentlessly whenever i began the want list. "mum i want this and i want this and i want this" she would mimic me in an annoying nasaly tone in the hope of making me stop. usually it didn't work until i got slapped in the ass and told to shut up (haha im kidding, my mother usually just said "aiii nako you always want everything!"). i don't think we ever grow up from wanting things. its an innate human characteristic to desire. to want and need things, people, affirmation, materialistic wonder, love, satisfaction, purpose and the list continues endlessly.

i think we often get carried away with wanting so much and expecting beyond our physical context that we forget the joy of giving. we lose sight on the value of the giver because we're so focused upon the gift. its cliche i know, but its true. it rings truth as i find myself convicted over the numerous times ive allowed material wonder or a fleeting euphoric moment with a person fuel my happiness. when in fact i have forgotten purity and joy that comes from giving, physically and emotionally. i know it sounds like sappy bullshit again but in a world where acquiring and possessing is the sole agenda its nice to think that there are still givers in this world, without any hidden agenda or malicious intentions. they want to give because they are able and willing.  but of course this doesn't give you permission to abuse so don't be a bitch and keep taking haha.

i often think if one person would take the time to give to another, then perhaps the world would be less selfish and more gracious. simply because a stranger experienced a moment of generosity and passed it on. a chain reaction i guess. so next time i complain and whinge and moan about wanting something desperately, i guess ill just pause and think "have i given anything lately?"

love,

ps. i know, really irrelevant. something i want in the future, i guess haha.