thought #264- twenty-something (part 1)

i thought i would uphold tradition and continue with my annual birthday wishlists, however, unlike past  birthdays i thought it would be apt to include not just my material lust worthy santa- christmasesque wishlist but a sort of more non-superficial, life wishlist. i guess what i'm really hoping for as i enter the big 2 1. so here goes part 1 (the non-material whislist).

for most people (especially in the southern hemisphere), turning 21 has no real significance. i mean we've already spent three years dabbling in non-prescription drugs, engaging in unprotected sex like the invincible beings we deludedly believe ourselves to be, popping the clubbing cherries and consequently accumulating tallies of toilet bowl tales, evenings with zero recollections and nasty morning after hangovers. some people have even been engaging in this behaviour before legalistic times (bad asses). so technically i shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed about being just another year older. but for some reason i am. i'm actually scared shitless. probably more than i've ever been about any other birthday. it's strange. suddenly i have a one attached to my twenty and i'm panicking like it's the end of the world. perhaps i am being a little overdramatic but i guess the insecurities stem from that stupid life plan thing i made when i was thirteen. according to this so called life plan by twenty one i would be graduating/graduated, starting a career that would take me far financially and physically, in a job i love, with a european hunk of some sort, perhaps already moved out or saving up for something big. i know it's idealistic thinking but the fact that it's not impossible, the very fact that there are 21 year old friends living this life makes me fret a little inside. i know i shouldn't worry about things like this. that i'm technically still young to be going grey over the condition of existence from now to twenty years time and that my Creator has and always will have everything under control... but i just can't help wonder? will i amount to this? will it ever happen? have i dreamt far too big? have i set a standard so ridiculously and unattainably high? have i fucked myself over? i feel so out of control. in a condescending spiral of my own vicious, carnal ways. wanting what i can't have. wanting what i don't have. i'm hopeful though. i still have faith that something good will work through this all. that i will eventually find peace and happiness the way i did before and even a little more.

i need to get my priorities straight. i need to find my soul. i need to wipe away my tears and stop grieving of what i've lost that i know will never be returned to me. i need to stop living in fear. i need to stop lusting over just another mistake waiting to happen. i need to learn my lessons. i need to give it all away. to not a person but a purpose. i need love. i need motivation. i'm turning twenty one for fucks sake, i need to start acting like it.

love,

thought #32- it's beginning to look a lot like another consumerist christmas

haha im pathetic at puns. and apologies for not posting as part of my quotidian routine lately. work has appeared to suck the energy and time which was previously left for mooching and writing entries haha. so christmas is in two days, how crazy time has eradicated this year. soon it will be 2010 and my things to do for 2010 will soon appear (new year's resolutions are overrated but i succumb ever year haha).

it appears that once the christmas album is playing at work, two competitive houses have their christmas lights occupying 3/4 of the street's electricity, 349579457 santas are simultaneously taking pictures with frightened children and children at heart, tinsel, trees and miseltoes are being dusted and hung christmas has finally arrived. and all these things are good and jovial but just like easter becomes easter bunny day christmas is so easily trivialised into a family holiday and an excuse to gorge and splurge. i have no objection with fun on christmas because essentially it is a celebration.

its just a saddening reality that as hackeneyed as this statement is "jesus really is the reason for the season." this is the truth. if a saviour did not arrive humbly on this earth to bring hope, salvation and give the greatest intangible and tangible gift of adoration, this whole concept would not exist. so if this love incarnation is not really the message that is being said this christmas, stuff the overweight red and white man who breaks into our houses in the middle of the night and stuff the pretty lights and presents because santa didn't save us and our world must understand this.

nevertheless have an amazing festive christmas with the conscious understanding of love incarnation and a baby born thousands of years ago that saved us from ourselves.

love

p.s. the truth haha.