thought #265- 2:17am confessions

1. Things between us were so much better before I left. Perhaps it was the urgency, the thought at the back of our heads that beat against our bewildered chests reminding us that it would never be the same again. Perhaps it was the way we dipped into each others lives, at moments as best friends, sometimes something more so routinely that we couldn't stop bring a part of it all. Perhaps you liked me a little more, and I the same. Perhaps we just got used to being away from each other that those cold nights sitting at your back porch holding hands are now just fond memories, that really in retrospect it, you, me and us meant nothing at all... Perhaps I'm only feeling this way because I secretly just miss you.

2. I don't know how to stop caring about you. I feel ridiculous and pathetic to be separated by oceans and time differences and countries and still wondering if you're well. If maybe, in between your frivolous living, your intoxicated evenings, the cigarette breaks in the quad and the joints you roll so professionally and the inconvenient fact that you love someone else, you think about me. Be it in a scintilla of insignificance, do things remind you of me? Does that song take your mind back to that time we sat on the mattress, high and happy like in a 90's teenage movie? Do you ever wonder how I am? Do you still remember that night we... Or am i being quixotic? I hate asking these questions knowing very well that you don't, because even when I had the chance to matter to you I didn't. And though I try not to dwell on that stupor, that semester, I still feel I left my heart on the other side of the world. You still bruise me.

3. Part of me wants to relive you again, the other wants to erase it. You came as a surprise, something unintentional, something that even I was taken off guard by. Perhaps it was an impulsive whim, spurred on by intoxication and your mysterious, foreign physique. I don't know if we will ever meet again but maybe if we do will I want it a second time round? Will I succumb to thinking that all I really need right now is the lack of familiarity, the off comfort of temporality, the absence of intimacy, the advantage of being a stranger with nothing attached to our names and being. Perhaps all I need is to be held in between the sheets, hearing you heavily breathe, feeling the warmth and weight of your arm wrapped around my body like a blanket of flesh. Perhaps I just need to fill the void of loneliness with another empty promise? You were lovely and all... but what about love?

4. I am so torn. In between attempting to salvage the condition of my soul, fighting. the carnal desires and vices that unhinge me every time, the struggle between self-image and worth, my insecurities and doubts and trying to connect my aspirations and dreams with reality... I'm tired, unfulfilled and crumbling. I want so many things to work out in my life right now but I feel like a mess. I need divine intervention, motivation, I need life and love. I just want to be content and happy like I was before. Instead of worrying all the time about the future and my impending ageing. I just need something good to work.

5. Happiness and heaven is just a state of mind. As hard as its going to be I'm going to be grateful. I choose to be happy. I choose life and not death. I choose not to be content with living a half hearted existence. I am thankful for the job I am yet to receive. I am thankful for the opportunity I am yet to grab. I am grateful to be doing tertiary education while others can't even afford a uniform. I am thankful for the things I have and the blessings I've been given instead of the things missing in my life. I will be patient for the man of my dreams and I know when the time is right he'll comes and I'll actually want to fall in love and it'll be so much more fulfilling than one night or one sordid crush that shits all over your heart with his oblivion. I am thankful for the angels I am yet to entertain, the people I am yet to meet and the goodness that is coming my way. I'm tired of falling asleep on a wet pillow. Joy comes with the morning.

Love,

thought #264- twenty-something (part 1)

i thought i would uphold tradition and continue with my annual birthday wishlists, however, unlike past  birthdays i thought it would be apt to include not just my material lust worthy santa- christmasesque wishlist but a sort of more non-superficial, life wishlist. i guess what i'm really hoping for as i enter the big 2 1. so here goes part 1 (the non-material whislist).

for most people (especially in the southern hemisphere), turning 21 has no real significance. i mean we've already spent three years dabbling in non-prescription drugs, engaging in unprotected sex like the invincible beings we deludedly believe ourselves to be, popping the clubbing cherries and consequently accumulating tallies of toilet bowl tales, evenings with zero recollections and nasty morning after hangovers. some people have even been engaging in this behaviour before legalistic times (bad asses). so technically i shouldn't be feeling so overwhelmed about being just another year older. but for some reason i am. i'm actually scared shitless. probably more than i've ever been about any other birthday. it's strange. suddenly i have a one attached to my twenty and i'm panicking like it's the end of the world. perhaps i am being a little overdramatic but i guess the insecurities stem from that stupid life plan thing i made when i was thirteen. according to this so called life plan by twenty one i would be graduating/graduated, starting a career that would take me far financially and physically, in a job i love, with a european hunk of some sort, perhaps already moved out or saving up for something big. i know it's idealistic thinking but the fact that it's not impossible, the very fact that there are 21 year old friends living this life makes me fret a little inside. i know i shouldn't worry about things like this. that i'm technically still young to be going grey over the condition of existence from now to twenty years time and that my Creator has and always will have everything under control... but i just can't help wonder? will i amount to this? will it ever happen? have i dreamt far too big? have i set a standard so ridiculously and unattainably high? have i fucked myself over? i feel so out of control. in a condescending spiral of my own vicious, carnal ways. wanting what i can't have. wanting what i don't have. i'm hopeful though. i still have faith that something good will work through this all. that i will eventually find peace and happiness the way i did before and even a little more.

i need to get my priorities straight. i need to find my soul. i need to wipe away my tears and stop grieving of what i've lost that i know will never be returned to me. i need to stop living in fear. i need to stop lusting over just another mistake waiting to happen. i need to learn my lessons. i need to give it all away. to not a person but a purpose. i need love. i need motivation. i'm turning twenty one for fucks sake, i need to start acting like it.

love,

thought #129- life's soundtrack

Day 10 - Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad 

today's post makes me cringe. not because i loathe music or being emotional. i think i love music too much to merely box myself into a list of songs i listen as a slave of my emotions. though in all honesty there are the regulars. the eclectic array of songs i usually don't and do listen to on a routine basis. so, at the risk of losing whatever dignity i have, i present you with just a snippet of my playlist in the following categories of happy, sad, bored, hyped or mad.

abi's 5 song sample of happiness (N.B. in no order)
1. dancing in the moonlight- toploader.
2. dancing in september- earth, wind and fire.
3. 1963-  rachael yamagata.
4. animal arithmetic- jonsi.
5. i feel it all- feist.

abi's 5 song sample of sadness (N.B. synthesizing was a bitch to be honest haha)
1. slow dancing in a burning room- john mayer.
2. sway- bic runga
3. warning sign- coldplay.
4. the sea- corinne bailey rae
5. 9 crimes- damien rice.


abi's 5 song sample of boredom
1. lisztomania- pheonix.
2. eriatarka- the mars volta.
3. it's in our hands- bjork.
4. that time- regina spektor.
5. suck my kiss- red hot chili peppers.

abi's 5 song sample of hype
1. reptillia- the strokes.
2. mr brightside- the killers.
3. bittersweet symphony- the verve.
4. cheating on you- franz ferdinand.
5. crazy in love- beyonce.

abi's 5 song sample of anger.
1. we get on- kate nash.
2. don't speak- no doubt.
3. tired- adele.
4. naive- the kooks.
5. mysteries- yeah, yeah, yeahs.

love,