thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,