thought #247- all over the place

i know i don't regularly use this anymore but i felt i needed a somewhat private (as private as a public domain such as the internet can get) place to vent/regurgitate what has occurred this past year. so much has happened i actually don't even know where to begin. i'll skip the formalities and pleasantries such as acquiring a full-time job (thank God), graduating my undergraduate degree (thank God again) and all that jazz and get down to the nitty gritty.

to be honest, my heart and head hasn't really been present this whole year. i feel i've been going through the motions of the mundane, living life as one does, trying to be open and nonchalant and subconsciously erasing the mess i made in london (that still haunts me to this day) but deep down i'm confused, lonely and trying to conceal gaping wounds with fleeting moments that just create another wound in return. i guess you could say i've been very careless lately. it's not because i want to or that i'm actually happy with this kind of behaviour. i just don't know how to go about not being so indifferent towards matters pertaining to my heart.

i feel attached to people who i barely know. i want to be with people who don't want to be with me. it's heartbreaking and pathetic. i often ask myself since when did i get so tragic? i've been trying to fool myself to believe that i'm fine acting this way. that i'm ok with things just happening for fun. that i'm fine to sleep in unfamiliar sheets and tread unfamiliar territories with a stranger. haven't i learned already that there's no such thing as unattached? that regardless if your heart was in it or not you bared a private, sacred piece of yourself, which will never be returned. this feigning is tiring. i don't want the giddy feeling of a crush. i don't want the romantic notion of intoxicatedly dancing with a stranger with lipstick smeared across our cheeks. i don't want to eat burgers like a lovesick couple. i don't want to watch a movie while you unsubtley feel me up. i don't want to lie on your lap and watch lonely planet or watch you cook with your doona as my dress. i don't want to just hang out. i don't want to wear your old, dilapidated shirt to sleep. i dont want to hold hands with someone i barely know and like all too much too soon that it frightens us both. fucking hell. i don't want to sleep with someone who already makes me wish for morning to mull over slowly, just for tonight. i don't want to sing to sick songs in bed while listening to each others hearts echoing from the hollows of our chest. i don't want to wake up and stare at this beautiful creature and wonder what he's thinking. i don't want to have to say that i kind of like you a little then want to swallow my speech and slice off my tounge for sounding like a complete idiot. i just want it to be straight. it doesn't have to be easy. it doesn't have to be simple. just true. after all this, i just want to settle down to the real deal.

i just want someone to be fucking honest. to put their intentions on the line and allow them to love me, and i the same. i'm too old for headfucks or games or i'll call you when i'm drunk. i just want someone who'll still care when i'm sober. i actually think i'm ready to meet the man the Creator has ordained and is fashioning especially for me... but is he ready to meet me?

i guess it's true. i am all over the place. and the frightening thing is i don't know where to even beginning trying to pick myself off the floor.

love,

thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,

thought #254- nothing appears as it seems

just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time and just because you were nice to me for one night, one moment, one week, doesn't mean you're a nice person at all and just because i think it's right doesn't necessarily mean it isn't wrong. just because you have a good life and lots of pretty things and a privileged existence doesn't mean you have the right. and just because you're beautiful externally doesn't mean you have a heart to match. just because i made a mistake doesn't mean i think you are one. just because i appear fine and unaffected and nonchalant in your presence doesn't mean it's not chaotic in the brain and the heart. just because you promised doesn't mean you won't tell and just because i care now doesn't mean i'll care forever. just because you can't say how you feel doesn't mean you're not feeling anything at all and just because i think you're immature and insecure doesn't mean i don't think you'll grow and find who you are in the future. just because we met under unfortunate circumstances doesn't mean meeting you was unfortunate. just because i'm hurt now, doesn't mean i'll never cease to be hurt. just because we can't be friends doesn't mean i never considered you to be one. just because i let you see my weaknesses doesn't mean i don't know my strengths. just because it's hard doesn't give you the right to think i'm easy. just because you're fucked up doesn't mean you will be perpetually. just because i couldn't love you doesn't mean i hated you. just because i'm saying goodbye now doesn't mean i'll never say hello again. just because i want to break your heart sometimes doesn't mean i don't want to mend it. just because you don't know who you are doesn't justify why you thought you had me all figured out. just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time.

love,

thought # 247- the human in me

i have this theory that whenever i open myself to someone or even consider the possibility of letting my heart work again (beyond its main purpose of oxidising my blood and keeping me alive), i lose my cool and fuck it up. always. i play it unromantic and nonchalant externally while my insides boil with suspicion, hope, hormones and expectancy. and it seems to be fine for as long as the chase can perpetuate. until it's revealed that the feeling is mutual and suddenly i am forced to ponder on the thought of actually entering into a serious relationship. and of course i don't, because i'm emotionally damaged and have commitment issues, which leads me to act as if i am in a relationship without the label. and then, served with a dose of overanalysation, things just go down hill from there. i get too needy, too anxious, too apprehensive, too easily upset over things that never upset me in the past. i begin to wonder and concentrate and dwell on some sordid fantasy that i've concocted in my mind and think to myself it's over again. over before it's fucking begun. it seriously happens all the time. i say i won't get attached but then i write about it in the middle of the night believing that this virtual vent will somehow ease the craziness of my internal condition like an alcoholic to his liquor or the addict to his smack. and i am so easy to deny it. to feign that i don't care, that it doesn't affect me, that i'm not making a big deal about it. but the shit thing is that i do. that a lot of things mean so much more than i say or reflect. i dislike revealing this, but its truly the small and quotidian things that happen in my day that make me feel assured. that somehow tame my qualms and make me not overanalyse. from the impersonal drunken text message, to the good morning call, to that tuesday lunch date to the saturday night skype session. for me, those small and seemingly banals acts are what keeps me sane. so to break from anything pertaining to routine in this case gives me the shits and makes me question whether things are falling apart.

i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.

love,