to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?
and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.
suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.
so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.
love,
Showing posts with label former favourite boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label former favourite boy. Show all posts
Monday, June 18, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
thought #226- so long farewell auf wiedersehen goodbye
dear ,
you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.
but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways, i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems. i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore.
maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.
we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too. i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.
so for now it's goodbye.
love,
you entered my life abruptly and unexpectedly, so i guess it's apt for you to leave just the same way. i've never been one to end things in a bad way, i hate moving on with scraps of regret entailing me. so it's sad to think that it had to be someone i cared about so much, someone i thought would stick around that i find unwillingly letting go. you remind me of a lot of things. some fond others tragic. i can't help but think how much of a blur our relationship was, it was a pleasant ride with no set time and destination. i think that's what made it so much easier for me to be comfortable with you, knowing that i wasn't pressured to be anywhere or anything with you. that knowing you were there was enough.
but i guess it wasn't enough. i mean i am to blame for why things fell apart. but i wonder how many times i have to apologise for you to understand. i have no real explanation for why i thought it was best for us to go our separate ways, i guess i was scared, or too comfortable, or expectant. maybe i was being impulsive and thinking with my head and abandoning my heart. i mean yes i had a bit of fun after but it came at a painful price. it's like a little internal piece of me died when things ended and it has finally taken me now to bury it. is it true that you can't stay friends with someone you had a past with? because i thought we could. i value your friendship more than anything, even before feelings started to seep its way into our systems. i wish things could be as straightforward as they were before. i wish we aren't playing this mixed signal game of confusion. i wish we could of remained as friends; this is what hurts me the most that i can't even be a part of your life anymore.
maybe at the end of the day we just weren't meant to be. maybe it was supposed to be as simple as that for us. yet somehow we have to get all complicated and never face this "closure" that i need and that i feel you don't want to give. i would have been fine with that, to end things on a happy note and move on. not like how we are now.
we've both changed. our lives naturally veering into dissimilar directions yet i still feel something (like back in our high school days) every time i coincidentally bump into you. but i'm tired. i don't want to settle for happy, mushy feelings when you feel it's convenient for you. i wonder if you truly understand how upsetting it is for you to delete me and incorporate me into your life that easily. i wonder if you're aware of the sometimes friend you've become. i wonder if you know how it feels to be constantly ignored, to try to work things out civilly, to make right a mistake in vain. i guess you just stopped caring.
so its almost been two years and though my heart is still stubbornly set on some mendacious hope that things will work out, i'm tired. i'm too tired of being ignored and putting all this effort for someone who doesn't give a fuck. maybe you thought we weren't an issue anymore but for me it wasn't over. i didn't realise how much i really cared for you until i saw how different you've become. how easy it is for you to be so indifferent, to stop trying, to hold back. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't bitter, but i'm willing to look past this if you do too. i'll be honest i still have respect for you. i believe you'll go places and fulfill your purpose and have a relationship with the Creator that i wish i personally possessed but i hope you don't stop loving people in the process. i still have hope. something i'll never dispel. i still believe you're capable of being that beautiful human being that made me smile and helped me learn to use my heart but it just can't be with the way things are now. i can't be your anything right now.
so for now it's goodbye.
love,
Thursday, April 29, 2010
thought #90- there's so much past in my present
i guess its obvious to see the echoing relevance of this feist song towards the thoughts and circumstances of life as we speak. i must admit i have lost whatever sleep is left (to an insomniac such as myself) over this. over the whole notion of having too much past dictating the probabilities of the present and future. it's been difficult and confusing and a tear straight down the mind and heart, but i believe it is for the best and im praying that it is so. out of all the things i cannot stand it is regret. i absolutely loathe to even think of the concept because regret is merely sandpaper to the heart that rubs away and gnaws any possibility of overcoming. and so i have no space for regret in my life.
however the unknown is frightening and you wonder if regret maybe inevitable. but frankly im tired of encasing pleasant past memories and bottling them in the hope that whatever my present will possess, my past will always sustain me. i think we often live our lives holding onto untied threads, thinking if we sort nothing out then we're fine either way. i guess i've been selfish in believing that i can somewhat affiliate who i was and who i am and still make sense. its so easy to unsettle, its far more "pleasant" to forever be in "well i don't know." but you come to a point, to a precipice where choice must be made, where you either dwell in the past, hope for a repeat or risk the unknown future, say goodbye to what you have always known and adventure into something that may crush or encourage you.
its the risk you must take. some people are born risk takers, others, like me, are a little more hesitant. but as much as i adore the past and will remember it as something that will always create a smile on my face whenever i do recall, i do not want it to ruin the new-ness of my present. i want to move on, be unrestrained. its one hell of a decision, but im sick of merely thinking about it, without deed its fucking pointless.
and so i guess as i think about meeting up with former favourite boy next week, i honestly don't know what to expect but i really hope i havent lost a friendship altogether. as hackeneyed as it sounds its time to finish the next chapter and open the next. its not a matter of get out of my life, its a matter of lets finally say what we needed to say. it's not goodbye, its closure.
love,
ps. will do.
pps. thanks carlo and gracie for yesterday's newtown adventure and for putting up with my over stressed self haha. i love you both.
ppps. happy birthday dad! for being my driver, credit card, where my face derived from haha, and putting up with my skitz self, thank you and love you.
however the unknown is frightening and you wonder if regret maybe inevitable. but frankly im tired of encasing pleasant past memories and bottling them in the hope that whatever my present will possess, my past will always sustain me. i think we often live our lives holding onto untied threads, thinking if we sort nothing out then we're fine either way. i guess i've been selfish in believing that i can somewhat affiliate who i was and who i am and still make sense. its so easy to unsettle, its far more "pleasant" to forever be in "well i don't know." but you come to a point, to a precipice where choice must be made, where you either dwell in the past, hope for a repeat or risk the unknown future, say goodbye to what you have always known and adventure into something that may crush or encourage you.
its the risk you must take. some people are born risk takers, others, like me, are a little more hesitant. but as much as i adore the past and will remember it as something that will always create a smile on my face whenever i do recall, i do not want it to ruin the new-ness of my present. i want to move on, be unrestrained. its one hell of a decision, but im sick of merely thinking about it, without deed its fucking pointless.
and so i guess as i think about meeting up with former favourite boy next week, i honestly don't know what to expect but i really hope i havent lost a friendship altogether. as hackeneyed as it sounds its time to finish the next chapter and open the next. its not a matter of get out of my life, its a matter of lets finally say what we needed to say. it's not goodbye, its closure.
love,
ps. will do.
pps. thanks carlo and gracie for yesterday's newtown adventure and for putting up with my over stressed self haha. i love you both.
ppps. happy birthday dad! for being my driver, credit card, where my face derived from haha, and putting up with my skitz self, thank you and love you.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
thought #82- me or the thought of me?
i think sometimes in life we are attracted to the very thought of being with someone, attaining that desired object, living out that fantasised moment. yet when the day comes to confront whatever that maybe we suddenly find ourselves questioning if we really wanted what is coming to us. sometimes it takes for us to face a precipice before we ask ourselves "do i really love this or everything that is associated with this?" was it merely a feeling, under the influence, which caused us to swoon or is it simply this?
i guess john mayer's question in i dont trust myself with loving you stands a reality that we must continually ask ourselves in life "who do you love- me or the thought of me?" just as my former favourite boy wisely shared "we have to be sure we want to be with the person and not the time associated with them." how true this rings.
so i guess it calls for us to re-evaluate the priorities in our life, the people we consider elite and privileged. especially with the person you adore. it must be asked: if things were to be stripped away, if daily physical contact was severed, if communication crumpled like paper to a fist, if time continued to pass, if contemplation was stolen by life's other jealous priorities, if everything was not on our side, could we still say we wholeheartedly love each other and know with internal affirmation that no matter what we still want each other and no one else?
love,
ps. could you still love me like this? haha
i guess john mayer's question in i dont trust myself with loving you stands a reality that we must continually ask ourselves in life "who do you love- me or the thought of me?" just as my former favourite boy wisely shared "we have to be sure we want to be with the person and not the time associated with them." how true this rings.
so i guess it calls for us to re-evaluate the priorities in our life, the people we consider elite and privileged. especially with the person you adore. it must be asked: if things were to be stripped away, if daily physical contact was severed, if communication crumpled like paper to a fist, if time continued to pass, if contemplation was stolen by life's other jealous priorities, if everything was not on our side, could we still say we wholeheartedly love each other and know with internal affirmation that no matter what we still want each other and no one else?
love,
ps. could you still love me like this? haha
Saturday, March 27, 2010
thought# 79- the end has no end
don't you ever feel like things in love (and most definitely lust ha!) are a mere vicious cycle of friends, strangers, lovers? don't you just loathe thinking i've finally gotten over him or things no longer affect me and then suddenly something will distract and obstruct and position you into that crumbling wreck you were before? sometimes its for a horrible taunt. sometimes its merely to tease you towards the reality that you may have carelessly thrown away something priceless in your life for the ephemeral pleasures of youth, impulsiveness and selfishly experiencing the world. in some cases it is also a wake up call, to remind oneself of the pathetic path of destruction they are following.
i guess this concept came to me suddenly when i saw former favourite boy last evening. although i was happy to see his lovely self once again it dawned upon me that although we have been removed from the awkward, frustrating phase of being strangers and finally back on the sojourn as friends i knew that even if i wanted to be lovers again (im not saying anything more. i know im the queen of subtlety but i shall leave it at this haha) that it would no longer rest on my own failing whims and foolish desires. that it would all settle upon the shoulders of time and co-operation. i guess it also made me cherish, realise things i did not for awhile especially nearing the conclusion of 2009.
so where will the cycle end? i am yet to find out. i just know that in life it is necessary for things to cease. like being immature, or that packet a day habit, or gorging to replace your failed romantic fantasies haha sometimes its better to not even muse over such matters. im just hoping that when the cycle ends, it'll halt at where i was hoping it would.
love,
ps. EFF STORY OF MY LIFE! haha
i guess this concept came to me suddenly when i saw former favourite boy last evening. although i was happy to see his lovely self once again it dawned upon me that although we have been removed from the awkward, frustrating phase of being strangers and finally back on the sojourn as friends i knew that even if i wanted to be lovers again (im not saying anything more. i know im the queen of subtlety but i shall leave it at this haha) that it would no longer rest on my own failing whims and foolish desires. that it would all settle upon the shoulders of time and co-operation. i guess it also made me cherish, realise things i did not for awhile especially nearing the conclusion of 2009.
so where will the cycle end? i am yet to find out. i just know that in life it is necessary for things to cease. like being immature, or that packet a day habit, or gorging to replace your failed romantic fantasies haha sometimes its better to not even muse over such matters. im just hoping that when the cycle ends, it'll halt at where i was hoping it would.
love,
ps. EFF STORY OF MY LIFE! haha
Thursday, February 11, 2010
thought #58- myspace and moving on
last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.
i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.
the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.
love,
ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.
pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.
i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.
the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.
love,
ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.
pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.
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