thought #90- there's so much past in my present

i guess its obvious to see the echoing relevance of this feist song towards the thoughts and circumstances of life as we speak. i must admit i have lost whatever sleep is left (to an insomniac such as myself) over this. over the whole notion of having too much past dictating the probabilities of the present and future. it's been difficult and confusing and a tear straight down the mind and heart, but i believe it is for the best and im praying that it is so. out of all the things i cannot stand it is regret. i absolutely loathe to even think of the concept because regret is merely sandpaper to the heart that rubs away and gnaws any possibility of overcoming. and so i have no space for regret in my life.

however the unknown is frightening and you wonder if regret maybe inevitable. but frankly im tired of encasing pleasant past memories and bottling them in the hope that whatever my present will possess, my past will always sustain me. i think we often live our lives holding onto untied threads, thinking if we sort nothing out then we're fine either way. i guess i've been selfish in believing that i can somewhat affiliate who i was and who i am and still make sense. its so easy to unsettle, its far more "pleasant" to forever be in "well i don't know." but you come to a point, to a precipice where choice must be made, where you either dwell in the past, hope for a repeat or risk the unknown future, say goodbye to what you have always known and adventure into something that may crush or encourage you.

its the risk you must take. some people are born risk takers, others, like me, are a little more hesitant. but as much as i adore the past and will remember it as something that will always create a smile on my face whenever i do recall, i do not want it to ruin the new-ness of my present. i want to move on, be unrestrained. its one hell of a decision, but im sick of merely thinking about it, without deed its fucking pointless.

and so i guess as i think about meeting up with former favourite boy next week, i honestly don't know what to expect but i really hope i havent lost a friendship altogether. as hackeneyed as it sounds its time to finish the next chapter and open the next. its not a matter of get out of my life, its a matter of lets finally say what we needed to say. it's not goodbye, its closure.

love,

ps. will do.
pps. thanks carlo and gracie for yesterday's newtown adventure and for putting up with my over stressed self haha. i love you both.
ppps. happy birthday dad! for being my driver, credit card, where my face derived from haha, and putting up with my skitz self, thank you and love you.

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.