thought #90- there's so much past in my present

i guess its obvious to see the echoing relevance of this feist song towards the thoughts and circumstances of life as we speak. i must admit i have lost whatever sleep is left (to an insomniac such as myself) over this. over the whole notion of having too much past dictating the probabilities of the present and future. it's been difficult and confusing and a tear straight down the mind and heart, but i believe it is for the best and im praying that it is so. out of all the things i cannot stand it is regret. i absolutely loathe to even think of the concept because regret is merely sandpaper to the heart that rubs away and gnaws any possibility of overcoming. and so i have no space for regret in my life.

however the unknown is frightening and you wonder if regret maybe inevitable. but frankly im tired of encasing pleasant past memories and bottling them in the hope that whatever my present will possess, my past will always sustain me. i think we often live our lives holding onto untied threads, thinking if we sort nothing out then we're fine either way. i guess i've been selfish in believing that i can somewhat affiliate who i was and who i am and still make sense. its so easy to unsettle, its far more "pleasant" to forever be in "well i don't know." but you come to a point, to a precipice where choice must be made, where you either dwell in the past, hope for a repeat or risk the unknown future, say goodbye to what you have always known and adventure into something that may crush or encourage you.

its the risk you must take. some people are born risk takers, others, like me, are a little more hesitant. but as much as i adore the past and will remember it as something that will always create a smile on my face whenever i do recall, i do not want it to ruin the new-ness of my present. i want to move on, be unrestrained. its one hell of a decision, but im sick of merely thinking about it, without deed its fucking pointless.

and so i guess as i think about meeting up with former favourite boy next week, i honestly don't know what to expect but i really hope i havent lost a friendship altogether. as hackeneyed as it sounds its time to finish the next chapter and open the next. its not a matter of get out of my life, its a matter of lets finally say what we needed to say. it's not goodbye, its closure.

love,

ps. will do.
pps. thanks carlo and gracie for yesterday's newtown adventure and for putting up with my over stressed self haha. i love you both.
ppps. happy birthday dad! for being my driver, credit card, where my face derived from haha, and putting up with my skitz self, thank you and love you.

thought #55- why i wouldnt mind calling the eastern suburbs home

seven reasons why i would farewell western sydney and bonjour to the eastern suburbs/sydney cbd

1. frequent visits to the tea room- if you have not experienced an old fashioned, high-classed morning high tea then you are really missing out on the finer, luxurious things in life. it was absolutely beautiful sitting with our little china and view of enslaved of commonwealth bankers on the other side and chattering about love, life, past, present and future. the staff are multicultural (mainly french), friendly and tip-worthy. the place itself is a masterpiece with a glass encased elevator and plenty of opportunities to pose in front of the tea cups.  i'm just hopeful that grace sicat enjoyed her birthday present :)
2. the shopping- everything from high-end designers which make you sigh as you pass their store fronts and security guard protected fronts, to vintage op-shops where you can score a cute dress for ten bones and unique knick knacks and everything (e.g. buttons, typewriters, cowboy boots, babysitter club videos, birdcages) in between. there is nothing lacking. downside... funds haha.
3. the eclectic residents- not that i'm being disloyal to the westies but the eastern suburb residents really know what to wear, what to read, what to consume, what to generally not be. most are also friendly, some high-strung and snotty but i guess this doesnt bother me. it's fantastic.
4. the terrace houses- its been a dream of myself and my best friend madeleine astle, to move into a terrace house one day with a brightly painted door and splendidly rusted grills. one day perhaps... *sigh* haha.
5. the little treasures of eatery- there are about 9076084369 cafes located in the easter suburbs, most of them titled strangely but nevertheless intriguing. i am adamant to try them all one day and bask in the morning/ afternoon laziness with a book at hand and cup of coffee in the other.
6. the scenery- is photo worthy. from the old run down, dilapidated buildings, to the ancient churches and busy streets. everything is beautiful in its own strange, ugly and unconventional way.
7. the crux between laid back and busy- depending on where you are, places such as newtown are sleepy and community focused whereas the cbd is peppered with suit-wearing, on the go, busy busy busy strangers. the double edged sword is rather appealing. 

p.s. can't wait till university. hopefully i shall be exploring far more. nevertheless today was brilliant. can't wait to repeat the adventure. 

love,

ps. shots taken from newtown. obviously not by me. thank God for google.