thought #188- and for the record

i'm not over you. but i try to because i see no point. and you may have moved on and we may go our seperate ways, engross ourselves in the quotidian routine we are now attached at the seams to, but the truth is i still care about you. i won't ever come between or become the sometimes girl or steal you away from her. never. but i will be the foolish martyr and ache internally and smile and rejoice at your triumphs as if i fought the battle on your behalf. i will still read letters, gaze at photographs and revive old memories, no matter how many times i delete, abandon or try to deny myself the tortured pleasure. because we both know it was my fault and for that i take the blame. but that doesn't alter the fact of why i still can't give myself away or why i feel this tiny splinter of jealousy and sadness at the back of my throat, or why i still smile fondly at good memories (irrespective if it was just a season) and think will i ever find another one like you?

love

thought #58- myspace and moving on

last night i cancelled my account on myspace. this may not seem profound or significant to the mediocre reader who has a skimmed relationship with myself or my past but if you were part of my high school life in circa late 2008-2009 you will wholeheartedly understand. i was up until the ungodly hours of the early morning re-reading comments, messages, reminding myself of the history i revolved relentless time and effort on.

i was in a concoction of late night drowsiness, sadness, acceptance, confusion but moreso understanding. things happen for a reason and although they are unexplainable, unknown and even negative at the present moment i remind myself that sometimes the answer isn't for us. and if it is, then light will be shed in due time. it was just amusing thinking back to how life was. there is always an element of nostalgia when needing to move on. it felt as if i had one leg in the water and the other on the ground. unbalanced, dangerous, it was ultimately a frightening feeling. but i continue to have faith and keep myself from turning into an emotional wreck haha.

the unknown is always such a scary concept in life. i guess it forces you to believe amidst uncertainty and as life begins to unfold and as 2010 continues i am finding myself attempting to accept the unknown and being patient enough to know the answer will be revealed in time. so as i deleted my profile, it felt symbolic, almost definite, of what this year was all about. moving forward. moving on. moving in general. now closure is a different thing. i don't believe i'm up to there yet. i'll let you know when i have. but its fast approaching and although im shitting myself about confronting the day, im expectant that things will work out and will not just end up as another profile deactivated haha.

love,

ps. i still remember former favourite boy saying he'll pay myspace as means of gratitude for somehow initiating us HAHA. good times.

pps. i have just awakened a love for good nba games from my day off. go cavaliers haha.