thought #237- commitment phobia

the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.

now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.

i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.

i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.

love,