thought #236- if only you knew

and in that moment, that very moment she looked back and her hair dramatically flicked in an instance of brunette glory and her shimmery red dress (she saved up for three weeks to buy) embraced her tiny delicate body, i thought god you're so beautiful. and it wasn't in the way the other boys in my class would think when a cute girl walked past in the hallway, wolf whistling and salivating until her ass disappeared around the corner. it was the way an artist stood back to admire his painting in a sort of reverent awe or the way a husband would feel watching his bride make her way from walking down an aisle into eternity.

it was unbelievable. she was unbelievable.

and she waved and blew me a kiss and yelled on the top of her lungs that she would call me tomorrow before holding hands with that bastard from the year above. and he winked my way as if to say "good night sucker, i'm going to be riding your woman all night." and the thought made me nauseous because tonight they would fuck. not make love, fuck. and i knew she deserved only love and everything else; the necking behind the school building on monday afternoons, the feeling up at the drive-in movies, losing your virginity at a weekend party was meaningless. ridiculous.

she was worth far more.

and all i could think about, as she hopped into the car and stuck her head out of the window screaming how much she loved me, was the time i took her to the secret garden behind my house after her mother died. and there we sat with a bottle of cheap wine, a few joints and a goodbye note and it was perfect. we cried and we wrote our farewells and we voiced our fears and we sealed our future with each other. she told me how much she loved me and valued me and could never imagine herself without me and i thought the same but so much more. more than she could comprehend or ever reciprocate. and all the feelings of loving you and protecting you and wanting you creeped into me, past my skin and into the very valves of my heart and burst into an amazing reaction of hormones, emotion, adoration and the supernatural.

but all i could do was kiss you on the forehead.

and so i waved and watched as she drove off, her body moving further and further away until she was merely a single dot in the distance and in that instance i realised that in essence, i meant as much to her as that single dot. i thought it didn't matter how many times she appeared at my front door in the middle of night with tears strolling down her face because another fucker took advantage of her. and it didn't matter how many times we would fall asleep in each other's arms. and it didn't matter how many holidays and birthday parties and family dinners and funerals that we would both attend. because she had only visited the secret garden once and never again since her mother passed away. that time we were almost in sync that my heart ached. that one time.

just a single dot in the distance.

and in that moment, that very moment as i faced the opposite direction and lit a cigarette i thought the same thought that haunted me for ten years. if only you knew. god, i would of died to have you.

if only you knew.

 love,