thought #233- the author

finally 2012 has arrived and i couldn't be more excited and slightly terrified at all the prospects that will be birthed, adventures that will be taken and memories that will be etched in our minds and maybe the contents of our hearts permanently. as to continue tradition, it would feel strange of me not to divulge the unfolding of our new years eve. most of it spent in a blur of rekordlig, cigarettes, bonfires, ben's bed,  backyard fireworks, Seinfeld reruns and power naps. it was as chilled and messy as i wanted my new years to be and i am more than thankful for having brought in the new year without my face in a toilet bowl. i guess some spliffs would of been icing on the cake but i'm not too picky haha. what did get me thinking that night was the lovely conversations with my gorgeous friend ben. i guess the whole moment we spent lying in bed like an old couple talking and napping made me suddenly miss the affection, the comfort, the familiarity of having someone by your side. it was strange because in the past, feelings associated with this quixotic notion usually ended up with me missing my former favourite boy or a past insignificant crush. however in that very moment and in retrospect, i didn't think about anyone in particular. i just wanted someone to hold... as cheesy and pathetic as that sounds haha it was no longer wanting a boyfriend minus the relationship or just a straight out relationship for that very matter. it was just the idea of having someone there. sure i miss the lunch dates and the butterflies and the late night phone calls and the doing nothing. but it just wasn't what i was looking for. it was the physical, human company. in all honesty i wish i could of just held bens hand there in the dark or held on to him that night, not out of romanticism or to hint a fuck. but, out of what they call platonic bed buddies, purely for the sake of knowing someone was beside me and that the single bed was not extending into an all encompassing gulf and that he would be there in the morning and that would be enough for me. i know it's strange feelings to articulate and i totally understand if you're reading this thinking... what the fuck is she on about? someone give the girl a penis now! haha but really it's not sex. it's the looming feeling of loneliness and the desire to want to fill the void. the peace of having someone there and being content and knowing that this is happiness. for now anyway.

love,

 ps. audrey hepburn feels me.