recently i've found myself in a trance. an indifferent, ephemeral state of being in which i am almost there but not quite. i don't blame anyone; not even work and the busyness it has created and the rest i internally crave. it's just i feel somewhat stuck. it's peculiar actually. i go about my days working hard, eating, sleeping, listening to music, checking facebook, text messaging a friend and falling asleep only to repeat this quotidian routine and although i am not complaining i feel as i've reached my "groundhog day." this odd, nonchalant time in my life where i see everyone racing past me, changing, evolving, accepting, moving on, adapting and forwarding into the future and i feel as if i'm left on a hamster's treadmill aching for freedom.
so what is the remedy i ask myself? sure i could do with something new, something spontaneous, something more. or perhaps i just need to accept that everyone's accepted the fact that life goes on and get over everything that keeps me cemented to my current condition. i admit, i'm not one to get over things. important things i mean (none of this grudge bullshit). but its difficult and a process i am willing but hesitant, unsure, afraid to take.
i think back to january first and the optimism and expectation i bore for this year and although i feel like another crack in the pavement pushover i must say i still carry this hope. for more. for something to finally come into my life and resurrect that fun part in me.
it doesn't have to be in the form of a gorgeous white boy (though that would be lovely), it could simply be a holiday, getting in shape, giving up the cigs, a new hair colour, picking up a bible again or simply saying im sorry and i forgive you. i know its easier said than done but maybe. maybe with this attitude and effort we can get somewhere, rather than sitting, wishing, waiting for fuck all.
love,
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