thought #183- i'm in lesbians with you

i've only ever said " i love you" to a guy once (this is not including the platonic hearts and xx's you conclude text message/emails with). and i didn't even mean it. actually it wasn't that i didn't mean it, i was just unsure of what i meant when i said "i love you". or perhaps i just didn't know what "i love you" really meant. or maybe it was too quick to say, to early to tell. my brain still attempts to conjure such questions to give some justification as to why i said it and why it still haunts my thoughts far more frequently than expected.

they say everything changes as soon you say those three words. it can be a kiss of death or an all expenses paid trip to vegas. but nothing really did change after that. the i love yous just became more frequent and abundant. i guess it is only in the aftermath (where the greatest of lessons are learnt) that i realise it really did change things. it's only in the silence that you truly understand how much it, him and whatever you had possessed together really meant for you.

i remember thinking that i wish i hadn't said those words whilst still in a period of uncertainty. i knew it would block my train of thought in the future like a clog to the artery but i said what i thought was. the point isn't if i still feel the same, or if i regret anything that did or did not happen between us, nor does it have anything to do with whether it is mutual or can ever happen again in the future. i've learnt to be careful in who to say it to and being somewhat sure of what is being spoken. i just ask myself, in retrospect, if i really meant my "i love you." i don't think i'll ever really know until i've experienced this in its totality. however, judging from the fact that i can't seem to stop thinking about what i said, regretting nothing that happened and still not being able to say i love you again to another makes me wonder that maybe what i was on about was true after all. maybe i really did after all.

love,

ps. note to self: next time use sign language