thought #24- there is no thought twenty four

literally, it feels like all the sarcastic humour/ blunt remarks/ abusive "wisdom"/ literary gymnastics and ranting that i usually possess (or like to think that i possess) appears to have disappeared today. i have nothing interesting to talk about, nothing happy or contemplative to share apart from my constant inhumane perspiring due to australia's summer heat.

perhaps my title is actually a lie. i think i have so many thoughts bubbling through my system that i can't seem to distinguish which thought is which. and find a reason as to why i'm thinking it. i am contemplating about something though. absence. for those who know me personally you may get what im talking about.

so i miss my favourite boy but this "miss" is not derived from any sappy/romantic/nauseating emotions of love. i miss the company, the best friend. i miss the assurance that everything is fine and that feelings are being felt and that we still aren't (i know that doesnt appear to make any sense at all but it does haha).

so factor one is absence. factor two is feelings. its not that im questioning my feelings, because i am certain of its presence. though at times it sways and i wonder if "not in that way" or "not anymore" or "not like i used too" has arrived, i know it still remains. factor three is others. not that i feel any of "those" feelings for other parties involved its just conversations with other parties have really made me think and subconciously re-evaluate the concept of my favourite boy and i. its weird. i think if it already feels like an inevitable gulf is between us already... what about next year? i dont know. its frightening and it feels like now i actually do care.

oh well, i do hope to playdate with him soon to figure this subconcious monster and kaffufle i am creating. i also hope he doesn't read this haha. until work resumes and life gets more busy than it already is,

love

p.s. feeling a little stuck lately. (thanks danise)