thought #52- too familar yet undeciphered

i find this concept of familiarity and certainty as two interrelating concepts, yet two very distinct things.
i find myself battling between the two and as much as i desire certainty i find myself stuck in the corner of recognised places, faces, things and never treading any deeper to where i fear to wade yet desire to explore. on friday at united, i was overcome with this feeling as i briefly exchanged the most sudden contact with former favourite boy. it was an odd feeling, but the best example of what i mean between familiarity and certainty.

prior to 2010, familiarity and certainty between us and most things in life were hand in hand. things were splendid and lacking in complexity and confusion. now i find the bridge has widened and in that five second wave, in that turning around to see him dissolve within a crowd of hundreds of lovely young things, i realised that the familiarity was there. everything had not been moved or altered. the place was recognised, even the moment was a repeat. everything made sense. yet in that quick moment i also realised that my certainty, that my feeling of assurance was no longer present. and to be honest it was slightly tragic. there was no more awkward glances, no more smiles, no more knowing where you belonged and who you belonged to. those were suddenly ripped apart by the divide of our different lives.

when i arrived home, i began to see how life has slowly become swallowed by this trend of familiarity. where everything is in place. where you are not lost, where you need not to adjust. but the reason why you are there, the meaning behind the recognition seems distorted. i want it back... i want things to not just be "hey i know this!" and "yes ive seen this before". but to also be "and that is why i do this." i guess this trivial encounter left me questioning whether i had chosen the correct path and made the right decision. but i guess the conclusion of this year will tell me all and i am beyond pathetic-ness to want anything more but become nothing less. i refuse to regret.

i miss knowing everything was alright. i miss many things. but i guess missing can only be an extension. the rest is living it out.

love,

p.s. what familiarity and certainty looked like (past tense).

thought #24- there is no thought twenty four

literally, it feels like all the sarcastic humour/ blunt remarks/ abusive "wisdom"/ literary gymnastics and ranting that i usually possess (or like to think that i possess) appears to have disappeared today. i have nothing interesting to talk about, nothing happy or contemplative to share apart from my constant inhumane perspiring due to australia's summer heat.

perhaps my title is actually a lie. i think i have so many thoughts bubbling through my system that i can't seem to distinguish which thought is which. and find a reason as to why i'm thinking it. i am contemplating about something though. absence. for those who know me personally you may get what im talking about.

so i miss my favourite boy but this "miss" is not derived from any sappy/romantic/nauseating emotions of love. i miss the company, the best friend. i miss the assurance that everything is fine and that feelings are being felt and that we still aren't (i know that doesnt appear to make any sense at all but it does haha).

so factor one is absence. factor two is feelings. its not that im questioning my feelings, because i am certain of its presence. though at times it sways and i wonder if "not in that way" or "not anymore" or "not like i used too" has arrived, i know it still remains. factor three is others. not that i feel any of "those" feelings for other parties involved its just conversations with other parties have really made me think and subconciously re-evaluate the concept of my favourite boy and i. its weird. i think if it already feels like an inevitable gulf is between us already... what about next year? i dont know. its frightening and it feels like now i actually do care.

oh well, i do hope to playdate with him soon to figure this subconcious monster and kaffufle i am creating. i also hope he doesn't read this haha. until work resumes and life gets more busy than it already is,

love

p.s. feeling a little stuck lately. (thanks danise)