thought # 13- i tend to scare the boys away

this is actually a title from a song i composed circa 2006. embarrassing i know. i don't think i will ever publish this piece of musical tantrum because frankly it makes me sound like a sadistic, desperate woman (not that i already do sound like one haha). anyway so i stayed awake until 3ish in the early morn wasting precious slumber time by flicking through and re- reading eleven notebads/books/diaries dated from as early as 2004 to early 2009 regarding my eventful, pathetic, tragic and glorious love life. i must comment that i was thoroughly intrigued by my own thought processes and moreso relieved that i have matured when it comes to dealing with broken hearts, frustrated one-sided affections, the other girl and the monstrous idea of being "just friends." it felt like another stab at nostalgia, as i reminded myself of who i was infatuated with at certain times...  true it was enough to make me cringe and think to myself "i actually said/wrote/thought/felt that?!" but nevertheless reading such past entries truly gave me a bout of nausea and pleasantness,  similarly to when you have downed ridiculous amounts of alcohol and feeling invincible for the first ten minutes then suddenly contracting that feeling of wanting to regurgitate your internal organs out onto the toilet bowl. (sorry gross analogy again!).

so i was happy to read what i had thought and felt during those past years but it also felt like a punch in the gut or a slap in the face. to realise how pathetic i had been and moreso disappointed in myself to think that i was foolish in believing some of these crushes were beyond the fantasy world of my hopeless romantic self. it was sad to think that nothing ever became of all my dramatic entries and squeals of adoration scribbled onto paper. but believe me i really am over it. i have nothing to complain about romantic wise, being in a brilliant "its complicated HAHA" relationship with an amazing guy who supersedes all past male affiliations (sorry that's as sappy as i can go). but it of course makes you think, as you read each entry and laugh at how idiotic you sound.

but oh well, i was young and idealistic. these days im more practical and reasonable in my quest for the "perfect man" or "prince" as my thirteen year old whims used to title it haha. there is no real lesson to be learnt or moral to be discovered by this. another random thought exposing another layer of myself. fall in love i say, document each time he makes you feel like you want to throw up because he's just adorable, comment on every time you want to compensate a horrible date, another arguement, an eventual break up with ice cream, tissues and a best friend. laugh out loud at the list you have conjured entitled "25 reasons why i like..." remark on how pathetic you are because you can't get over him even after attempting to brainwash yourself with unrealistic chick flicks and gorgeous men who you will most likely never meet in your lifetime then read over them in a few years. then you'll understand that euphoric nausea i'm talking about haha.

love

p.s. love- the beater, you- person in the bowl, your lover- bowl haha. (courtesy of danise and http://otarie.tumblr.com)