thought #230- big questions, no answers

i'm turning the big 2-0 next year. this is no particularly significant milestone, nor is it anything remarkable. but the fact that i'm shedding my teenage skin, hopefully living in a foreign country and finding who i am seems all so "big deal." it's also forcing me to ponder about the reality of life, the aging process and what i've accomplished to date. i mean i remember being thirteen and thinking that by 20 i would have a banging boyfriend, the biggest social butterfly and all that adult stuff sorted out. fast forward to six years and i still don't know what the hell is going on. i mean i have a plan, not made out of stone but something to keep me preoccupied. i mean i have big dreams and aspirations and fantasies painted vividly in my brain. but at the end of the day they still feel like wishlists i've been composing since i was a child. i find it's moments like these, when i read and listen to other people play out their lives, when i ponder about the future and consider not the prospects but the inevitable morphism into adulthood, that i really ought to do something about it.

it's also times like these i question everything about what i believe, what i want in life, who i'm living for, how to act, how to accept, moving on and moving into new motions of existence. i question where i'll be in ten years, who i'll be with in ten years, will i be living in australia? will i have made something out of myself? will i work a dead end job that i hate? will i become a drug addict? will i become an international superstar? will i live a humble life? will i live a life reflecting not a religion but the greatest person to have ever graced the planet- Jesus Christ? you know deep shit.

i mean i can't help it. it seems like questions such as those automatically come into being at the thought of growing up. i understand, we don't have to have it altogether and things can change. but i wish as i wrote this i could safely say i was content and happy and sure in myself and my faith. but something innate i guess is dormant. maybe i really need to see the world, maybe i need to let loose, maybe i need to learn the lessons (as hard as they can be). maybe then i can see that this life, and all those questions are frivolous if the end goal is to live a life so much bigger than yourself.

love,

ps. it's easier said than done though.