thought #66- "we go blind when we needed to see"

as quoted by one of my favourite damien rice songs rootless tree, this line only makes me ponder on a subject that i have been pondering on for quite some time now- indifference. does it exist? is it attainable? is there a difference between apathy and indifference? profound stuff, you know (insert sarcasam haha).

personally i dont believe in indifference. i believe in apathy. i believe that apathy can be achieved almost like a habit or an addiction. at first you swear "im never going to smoke a ciggie in my life" then you taste the sweet, filthy tabacco and you want more. eventually you become so inclined to ciggies that you spend your whole life in the middle of puffing away and reinstating the fantasy-fuelled day you will promise to quit. this is similar to apathy. you "ngaw" at the starving children in africa, and "ngaw" at natural tragedies that strike, and "ngaw" at the social injustice occurring in our backyard let alone in our planet and suddenly you become so "ngaw-ed out" that eventually those ads/phamplets/people who knock on your doors/info regarding all these things leave you with a sense of nothing new/nothing's changed, in other words apathy.

then there is indifference. don't get me wrong, i believe you can feign indifference, just as my thought a while back talked about pretending not to care and such affirms. i believe you can pretend you arent affected by things as opposed to being affected by things and not giving a rats ass about it (apathy). but to say i am indifferent, unshaken, unaffected by things merely does not exist. we are swayed every day of our lives by everything and anything. whether we have seen/learnt it 10 years ago or seen today. memories, moments, people, words they all affect us. sometimes it doesnt show and most of the time it appears to have no affect but subconsciously your brain is at work gnawing through the details to the most trivial.

ive always secretly wanted to attain indifference. because emotions are hard to handle. because its far more easier to walk away on a past relationship and not be affected by anything synonymous the next day. but then i realise its impossible. i can pretend as much as i can, or i can deal with it. i know dealing with it will never erase anything but it can assist in the healing. dealing gives you a better alternative then pretence. so i guess the next time you wish you were a cold heart bitch or simply had indifference in your life, deal with what must be dealt with instead then move on. it may be the hardest option, but its the most real.

love,

ps. its called pretend.

thought #57- neither careless nor careful

you know that sickening feeling sandwiched between annoyance, pretence and patience? you know when you're trying so hard to pretend that you don't care when deep down you really do? i am currently experiencing it. i know its petty and paltry for me to even be affected, but i find that i am. it is this foolishness which i can't explain or tame that leads me to todays thought- feigning care.

im certain you've met people or experienced personal moments in life where you pretend you care when you don't. like when a friend gushes into excessive detail about their first sexual encounter or perhaps an acquaintance describes their brand new material lust. most of the time you smile politely, whilst agonising internally wishing that the conclusion will appear somewhere and soon. at the present moment of being enslaved into an encounter you do not desire, nothing seems amusing and that feeling of being so close (to walking away) yet so far is a mere fantasy.

then on the other hand, there a moments in which you pretend you don't care but deep inside you do. i believe this is far harder to control or display. like when someone you adore is gushing about how much he is crazy about another girl, or when you've failed an exam you know you studied your arse off. externally you shrug it off and smile politely but internally you are crumbling at the thought of another letdown (refer to thought #57). some people actually master this feigning. some people have learnt how to hide their feelings so well that their seclusion undermines any emotion. some people turn to ice at situations whilst others become oversensitive.

its a personality thing i guess. so what's better to pretend you care when you don't? or pretend you don't care when you do? actually, what's worse? sometimes i find myself asking this question, as i try to find normality in my life at this present moment. either way, someone ends up getting hurt and as a line from a song i wrote entitled my bestfriend's lover goes "and i have an inkling its me."

*sigh* haha nevertheless soldier on. there's no use in living life tragically. let your cares mean you do and let your apathy mean you don't. can we be simple, just this once?

love,