thought #66- "we go blind when we needed to see"

as quoted by one of my favourite damien rice songs rootless tree, this line only makes me ponder on a subject that i have been pondering on for quite some time now- indifference. does it exist? is it attainable? is there a difference between apathy and indifference? profound stuff, you know (insert sarcasam haha).

personally i dont believe in indifference. i believe in apathy. i believe that apathy can be achieved almost like a habit or an addiction. at first you swear "im never going to smoke a ciggie in my life" then you taste the sweet, filthy tabacco and you want more. eventually you become so inclined to ciggies that you spend your whole life in the middle of puffing away and reinstating the fantasy-fuelled day you will promise to quit. this is similar to apathy. you "ngaw" at the starving children in africa, and "ngaw" at natural tragedies that strike, and "ngaw" at the social injustice occurring in our backyard let alone in our planet and suddenly you become so "ngaw-ed out" that eventually those ads/phamplets/people who knock on your doors/info regarding all these things leave you with a sense of nothing new/nothing's changed, in other words apathy.

then there is indifference. don't get me wrong, i believe you can feign indifference, just as my thought a while back talked about pretending not to care and such affirms. i believe you can pretend you arent affected by things as opposed to being affected by things and not giving a rats ass about it (apathy). but to say i am indifferent, unshaken, unaffected by things merely does not exist. we are swayed every day of our lives by everything and anything. whether we have seen/learnt it 10 years ago or seen today. memories, moments, people, words they all affect us. sometimes it doesnt show and most of the time it appears to have no affect but subconsciously your brain is at work gnawing through the details to the most trivial.

ive always secretly wanted to attain indifference. because emotions are hard to handle. because its far more easier to walk away on a past relationship and not be affected by anything synonymous the next day. but then i realise its impossible. i can pretend as much as i can, or i can deal with it. i know dealing with it will never erase anything but it can assist in the healing. dealing gives you a better alternative then pretence. so i guess the next time you wish you were a cold heart bitch or simply had indifference in your life, deal with what must be dealt with instead then move on. it may be the hardest option, but its the most real.

love,

ps. its called pretend.