thought #245: who knows where that might lead?

yes i feel slightly relieved and glad. yes i feel frightened and hesitant. yes i want to be with you but at the same time yes i need to get away from you. yes you make good company. yes i actually look forward to spending time alone with you. yes i feel i could snuggle in your presence perpetually. yes i sometimes have that feeling of wanting to kiss you. yes there's sexual tension. yes i'm happy that we're not together too and we don't have to be. yes i'm fine with being how we are and never having to be more or less than what we are now. yes we're still just friends.

and

no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.

and

maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.

who knows where this is all going?

love,

ps. ah heart you illogical, risk taking bastard haha

thought #240- my best friend's wedding

so i think i'm in love with my best friend. well actually i don't. that's a fairly huge overstatement and i just wanted to be dramatic haha. however recently things have caused abnormalities in my typically and otherwise cold, pathetic excuse of a heart. now i don't know what it is (actually I do know since he's a mega babe), but i've had bouts when it comes to fancying this person. i thought i got it out of my system after high school and the notion of crushes and such were dispelled by the even more depressing notion of reality. other boys entered my life some momentarily, others lasting long enough to cause an indent (don't even get me started on that...) and somehow this person shifted from pretty boy fantasy to best friend material. we got closer and more platonic, secrets shared, life lived. he became someone i could trust and be comfortable with, someone who would remain a presence in post high school life. and soon after, life took its course, shit went down and we all willingly grew up. our penchants for cigarettes and ciders and movie marathons and dinners somehow just fit perfectly into our lives. things that i never noticed in my youth, i suddenly did now like his views and the way he thinks and how i totally understand and i think it is only recently, after having been single for awhile, that my internal struggle and the thin line that i dare to tread from platonic to paramour is even considered. but there are alot of things that frighten me to be in this situation. i am cautious when people ask "so do you like him?" because it feels like we're so past this question, this juvenile distinction between friends and lovers. i do but i don't (want to) and it's getting harder to deny that i have just friends feelings for this person. it's funny actually because i'm not smitten or feeling like im in dazed crush over it. i think its the company that really gets to me. the whole notion of spending the day with this person and feeling good about everything. now don't get this mistaken with the butterflies in my stomach, thinking about him everyday shit. it's just this feeling that maybe deep down, i could actually be with this person. especially since i don't want to be with anyone like that right now. this conundrum actually scares me shitless. but back to the dilemma.

first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.

second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.

third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).

but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.

love,

Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(

thought #213- tell me why should i let you go?

i've tried innumerable times to let you go, subconsciously and intentionally. the problem is not that i haven't tried but that i keep trying again. perhaps it's part of my human psyche. struggle. or stupidity. or both. i'm not one to hold on to things i deem as useless and without purpose especially for the future. but with you, i just can't. maybe because i know deep down that i still believe in whatever you are supposed to be to me. not what you are now, but what you are supposed to be. something i nor you can't clearly see.

i've tried occupying myself with other people. filling my days with work, university, perving on handsome strangers, impulse buying, writing in this embarrassingly cryptic (not) blog, smoking cigarettes, hating on red wine and drinking cup after cup of coffee. anything to rid you out of my system but to no avail.

people keep telling me to not worry, that it's merely a phase. but that is why i worry. that is what scares me shitless, you aren't a phase and every boy i meet and potentially want to give my heart to will be compared to you. and even if i no longer think about you on a daily, quotidian basis and someone wants to love me and i want to let them, i fear there will be nothing left of my heart to offer. because you have it, you subconsciously selfish bastard.

maybe it's your indifference, your ignorance, your deliberate evasive, indecisive, mixed signal way with me. maybe its the way you break my heart and let me hurt like hell and not even know. maybe it's because you're the only person i ever really loved. maybe it's because it was my fault. maybe because things ended the wrong way. maybe because it was never meant to be and i just need to move on. irregardless of which maybe is correct, you must now there isn't a day that passes without you in mind.

i think in time i'll move on. and if we're not meant to be at least be the friends that have a coffee on a thursday afternoon, or greet each other happy birthday on facebook. the friends that wave at each other from across the supermarket aisle or while picking up our children from their soccer practice. but then again we might become strangers once again. another face, name, entity. i know in time i'll move on. but honestly, i don't know if i'll ever let go.

love,

ps. let go and let God.

thought# 212- i think i fell in love with you

i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you. that i wasn't dependent on you to tell me that i was happy. or sad. or interesting. or fucked. or imperfect. because i was all those things prior to your existence in my life. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you to complete me, or complete you. that we could be two singular entities and that would be alright. we never needed to engage in nights where i would be on the phone crying to my girlfriends, in between spoonfuls of ben and jerrys, blubbering because you're the only one for me. or you would throw stones at my window, mildly intoxicated, singing "lover you should've come over... it's not too late..." i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were beautiful not because you looked like a supermodel, or fulfilled all my fantasies but that you were enough for me and i couldn't ask for anything, anyone more. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i didn't deserve you. that i could never give you an assurance that we'd wake up the next morning and i would feel the same way that i did before i closed my eyes on you. you knew and you still followed through. that meant alot to me. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were the only one i ever really loved and ever really could use my heart against me.  you were my one and only weakness. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i could never love you. not even as friend, not even as a lover. i could never be your anything for longer than an interval between breathe and inhale. that bittersweet truth, i could never belong to you.

thought #209- the friend

i have this theory that the reason why boys don't like me is because i'm too much like them. generally speaking i have always been the friend. forever the humble bestie that is destined to never be seen in that way. for most of my life i've actually enjoyed this role and have found it quite satisfying to be filled in on love life issues and dnms and all that. until i, being the female that i am, cannot bare to be just friends and suddenly gain instant attractiveness due to such sensitivity thus screwing the whole friendship and causing "it's not mutual" awkwardness (thankfully it hasn't happened).

of course being the friend has its perks and disadvantages. but as collegehumor explains "no one wants to fuck their hoodie." in other words, what are the chances of you dating your bestfriend? yes he'll be the boy you can wear the daggiest of clothes around, zero make up, fart in front, ask to take you home while absolutely scat, probably lose your virginity to and still wake up and feel that your relationship has not changed and yes she'll be the girl you can stay at home and play cod with, give you tips on how to treat a girl on your first date, your parents secretly wish to be the one, the only one you'll never have to break up with ever.

but if you're expecting to start off as friends and eventually win her/him over, you're heading for a heartbreak.sure we hear stories of bestfriends falling in love and such. but that's truly one in a million. i always thought i wanted my bestfriend to be my man until i figured out that its like dating two people simultaneously. impending heartbreak and a waste of a friendship could potentially occur.

so where does this leave me, being the friend and doomed to platonic adoration? well the truth is, even though falling in love with your best mate is the riskiest move and even though you'll most likely fall for a jerk and he'll fall for a bitch and even though you'll marry different people and settle down and live life, you'll only truly love one person in this lifetime. you'll probably never truly wholeheartedly love (and no i don't mean a mushy, lovey dovey, butterfly-filled kind of affinity) anyone the way you loved your "the friend."

love,

ps. nice shirt hahaha

thought #207- man repeller

so i've reached that time of the year again, the so called "half yearly breakdown for singles." once again the cuddle weather has increased cuddlers on all girls' beds, relationship statuses are changing rapidly from single to in a relationship followed by eighty seven likes, equal amounts of congratulations and secret agonizing jealousy somewhere in between and an abundance of sorry i'm busy text messages and a relentless flogging of sickeningly cute couple photos rains through like last week's wetness. and once again despite your happiness for your friends and forced contentedness regarding you situation, one can't help but feel somewhat left out thinking the world is evolving and everything is happening to everyone but me.

or maybe that's just me haha. now don't get me wrong. as much as i'm woefully sounding bitter about it all i'm not saying this all with the intention of getting a pity party. it's a mere observation, almost a tradition in my life. and like birthdays and anniversaries, i thought it apt to celebrate the half- yearly bout of loneliness. it amuses me actually how it always happens around the same time. i mean i do get my fair share of singleness (it feels like centuries) peppered within the months of my year but it's always around this time in july. when everything is just that little bit more shitty. i honestly wonder why?

so now you ask is this a cue for me to go gallivanting in search of a new romance? free reign to whore around? continue to wallow in self pity and think what the hell is wrong with me? none of these actually. i do what i do every year. after exams, i spend my weekends doing what relaxes me. wine in bed watching my favourite dvds, writing, reading, loosening the vocal chords, do a little shopping, organise some friperie, book an instructor, work, coffee dates and shopping trips, the occassional party. i make a to do list and fulfill it (at least try to). because life goes on and it stops for no one and there's no point in me feeling sorry or me trying to desperately fill the void by romancing the next guy i see. its all about patience (my weakness) and self control (also my weakness). when i least expect and when its right and when everything is as it should be. and when i meet him or re-meet him. and then i'll be seeing life on the other side: spoons on the bed, relationship status changes, cheesay couple photos and all that gag worthy sap.

but until then, its back to celebrating my half-year loveless breakdown and preoccupying myself with the glories and busyness of life and this year i might actually get through it with a smile on my face.

love,

ps. not surprised if this is a 1970s porno.
pps. very surprised that these ladies are single. obviously unrealistic.

thought #63- be be your love

i don't think ive posted a song as a thought ever. however due to the busyness of life as we speak and a concotion of tiredness and humidity from photoshoots in the sweltering sun with my gorgeous love eleanor clark, has caused me to think of nothing but this oldie but goodie. a song i have always adored, and yes it was on sisterhood of the travelling pants and yes i am unashamedly able to say that it was a good movie despite the horrible stigma i had created prior to viewing it haha.

enjoy lovelies and be sure to check friperie tomorrow night, photos will finally be up!

"Be Be Your Love"- Rachael Yamagata

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say?
Would you think I'm unreal?
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love 


without disrespecting the brilliance of this song, i believe my situation sings more
"you don't want me to be, be your love, but i want, want, want to be your love" sigh haha. get over it abi, you're pathetic haha

love,

p.s. not sure if ive used this pic before. but its worthy of a repost. i definitely feel like this lately. stuck to a fucking wall i want to love and hate simulatenously. just like falling for people, pathetic really haha.