thought #213- tell me why should i let you go?

i've tried innumerable times to let you go, subconsciously and intentionally. the problem is not that i haven't tried but that i keep trying again. perhaps it's part of my human psyche. struggle. or stupidity. or both. i'm not one to hold on to things i deem as useless and without purpose especially for the future. but with you, i just can't. maybe because i know deep down that i still believe in whatever you are supposed to be to me. not what you are now, but what you are supposed to be. something i nor you can't clearly see.

i've tried occupying myself with other people. filling my days with work, university, perving on handsome strangers, impulse buying, writing in this embarrassingly cryptic (not) blog, smoking cigarettes, hating on red wine and drinking cup after cup of coffee. anything to rid you out of my system but to no avail.

people keep telling me to not worry, that it's merely a phase. but that is why i worry. that is what scares me shitless, you aren't a phase and every boy i meet and potentially want to give my heart to will be compared to you. and even if i no longer think about you on a daily, quotidian basis and someone wants to love me and i want to let them, i fear there will be nothing left of my heart to offer. because you have it, you subconsciously selfish bastard.

maybe it's your indifference, your ignorance, your deliberate evasive, indecisive, mixed signal way with me. maybe its the way you break my heart and let me hurt like hell and not even know. maybe it's because you're the only person i ever really loved. maybe it's because it was my fault. maybe because things ended the wrong way. maybe because it was never meant to be and i just need to move on. irregardless of which maybe is correct, you must now there isn't a day that passes without you in mind.

i think in time i'll move on. and if we're not meant to be at least be the friends that have a coffee on a thursday afternoon, or greet each other happy birthday on facebook. the friends that wave at each other from across the supermarket aisle or while picking up our children from their soccer practice. but then again we might become strangers once again. another face, name, entity. i know in time i'll move on. but honestly, i don't know if i'll ever let go.

love,

ps. let go and let God.