thought# 212- i think i fell in love with you

i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you. that i wasn't dependent on you to tell me that i was happy. or sad. or interesting. or fucked. or imperfect. because i was all those things prior to your existence in my life. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you to complete me, or complete you. that we could be two singular entities and that would be alright. we never needed to engage in nights where i would be on the phone crying to my girlfriends, in between spoonfuls of ben and jerrys, blubbering because you're the only one for me. or you would throw stones at my window, mildly intoxicated, singing "lover you should've come over... it's not too late..." i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were beautiful not because you looked like a supermodel, or fulfilled all my fantasies but that you were enough for me and i couldn't ask for anything, anyone more. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i didn't deserve you. that i could never give you an assurance that we'd wake up the next morning and i would feel the same way that i did before i closed my eyes on you. you knew and you still followed through. that meant alot to me. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were the only one i ever really loved and ever really could use my heart against me.  you were my one and only weakness. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i could never love you. not even as friend, not even as a lover. i could never be your anything for longer than an interval between breathe and inhale. that bittersweet truth, i could never belong to you.