thought #107- back to square one.

i am:

1. sick and tired of being sick and tired.
2. sooo over being a pessimist or a cynic or bitter.
3. learning the difficult way.
4. erasing any remnants of being foolishly idealistic, which exist in my system.
5. going to have some fun and be happy, even if it fucking kills me.
6. officially letting my heart hibernate and my mind operate.
7. going to start focussing on the bigger, eternal things in life.
8. finally going to slap my own face and force my knees to bend.
9. going to attempt to be independent.
10. never, ever going to cry in an emotional impulse regardless of how intoxicated or frustrated i maybe again.
11. giving it all up, not giving up.
12. tired of like/ not, hello/goodbye, i do/ i don't.
13. soldiering on, even if it means going back to the start.


love,

ps. i love fresh starts.

thought #106- let's talk

i miss a good conversation. where two people pay no attention to the location, situation or constraints of time, but converse about everything and anything that life is affiliated with. i miss laughing at stupid memories and being emphatic over aches. i miss "don't tell anyone but" and the little revelations that come with it. the moments can be frustrating, embarrassing, exciting. sometimes we are just eager to be heard and other times we are keen to merely listen.

but i guess i never truly understood or missed a good conversation until i knew what it felt to be silent or silenced. sometimes conversations are meant to be trivial, sometimes we are meant to laugh off hurts and fears and whims. sometimes they are profound and need much more than "ok" to elucidate. to value the human heart speaking, you must appreciate the human heart in silence. weird i know.

somethings are actually better left unsaid or unspoken, others are "speak now or forever hold your peace." i guess it all comes with wisdom. i guess one day we have to finally become tired of not speaking up. i guess one day we need to get over ourselves and say what needs to be said and talk about what needs to be talked about. i guess one day we need to have the courage to say let's talk even when we don't want to. or have enough time to call that friend and update each other on the adventures of life. or have enough love to not give up on unspoken not-really-closure closure. whatever it is.

for me, i guess my one day is today.
so world- friends, strangers and everyone in between; let's talk.

love,

ps. haha made me laugh. so random

thought #105- in denial

i admit that i am blunt, i admit that i usually say things i shouldn't out loud and keep to myself things i should. i admit that i am weird, i admit that i often prefer silence and solitude than a sea of pointless participation. i admit that i am selfish, i admit that i am overtly perplexing. i admit that i am one of those annoying people who feign life is fine when it really isn't. i admit even i occasionally fool myself. i admit i am hesitant, i admit i am frustrated, i admit i don't know anymore and still try to summon the courage everyday to ask you if you perhaps do. i admit that i have innumerable shortcomings as a christian, daughter, lover, friend and stranger. i admit that i am foolish, immature and temperamental at times. i admit i am careless, restless and very passive towards responsibility. i admit i sometimes internally curse how my heart behaves. i admit i don't always do as i'm told. i admit i actually care. i admit i skip meals. i admit i have bad religiously abused habits. i admit i hate feeling helpless. i admit i take things for granted. i admit i'm not strong. i admit that i have a book form of my mind. i admit that i have insomniac tendencies. i admit that i do like the feeling of being needed and appreciated. i admit i like cuddling. i admit i hate being ignored. i admit i loathe not knowing the answer or the solution. i admit i dont fancy my legs. i admit that i am slightly picky. i admit i can be superficial sometimes but you need to understand the profoundness first. i admit i like being single if it means i'm not in a relationship with the wrong person. i admit i give in too easily. i admit i suck at physical exercise. i admit i don't appreciate "no comments." i admit it takes time for me to forgive and forget. i admit that i don't get over things as easily or as quickly as desired. i admit i am bipolar. i admit i, as much as i hate to, regret. i admit that failure is frightening. i admit that i can be hypocritical sometimes. i admit i am human.

love,

ps. i think i may have just told the whole world my ugly human weaknesses. oh well, at least its honest. 

thought # 104- we're so past feelings

this is no love song where one coos about happiness and forever. this is no story about power and glory and peace for mankind; like you even know what that requires. this is no serendipity a chance to meet destiny, a favourable outcome we both desire. this is no art, no technique to rehearse and reverse. this is no equation or formula we scratch pens and frustration beside. this is no secret to tell, or message to conceal. this is no outstretched arm beckoning to fill the void with another limb. this is no goodbye when two lovers douse each other with closure and watch each other alight. this is no hospital room where the life of a human being is hanging by a finger to a switch. this is no winter midnight, starring at the stars, intoxicated by everything other than alcohol and waiting for him to make the first move. this is no road trip, with an unknown destination, an uncertain amount of provision, an unclear direction and five confused friends. this is no absence of love or courage to walk away and abandon. this is no game of scrabble and you are the sore loser. this is no disguise, no feigning of effortlessness. this is no heartspill inside a dirty black book whilst listening to lisa mitchell's clean white love, muttering under your breath "fuck sap, fuck love". this is no lazy afternoon in bed with your favourite person. this is no sleepless night, listening to sad songs and crying yourself to sleep because its the only method you can think of to get tired. this is no show and there is no spotlight; you've lost meaning to the word entertainment. this is no misplaced mind or broken heart nor a joust to see which organ is king. this is no novel and there are no words, no chapters, no text just an empty person with an empty dream.

this is a just feeling. 

love,

ps. totally irrelevant but awesome picture haha. 

thought # 103- why so serious?

i recall my mother's pearls of wisdom (stolen from another smart someone) "it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt." this was usually commented after a harmless game of tag or bullrush turned into a gargantuan bitch fight and often left both parties sobbing endlessly, either broken, bleeding or bruised. i guess the moral of this story still rings truth in life today.

one does not have to look very far but to the issues of the heart to see how getting to know each other, playing the whatever happens, happens game, enjoying each other's company can be all so pleasant and splendid until someone gets hurt, confused, disinterested or worse yet serious. similarly to the movies, we all know that cliched plot of things starting out as a bet, a little non-serious playful game to win the girl until hot male protagonist realises he actually has feelings for her and she finds this isn't serious after all and thus gets angry at him but he apologies ever so romantically and wins her over by some fucked up "i didn't expect to fall in love with you but now i do" spiel. bullshit, but with an element of truth.

 i don't know if you've ever experienced non-mutuality, because from what i can remember it is quite devastating. i wish i had such foolproof advice to assist in avoiding such pain, but then i would of already applied it to my life by now. i guess you really can't blame any of the parties if one strays or the other falls deeper. sometimes you don't anticipate reactions, the heart is just as intelligent in fooling as the mind.

i guess you could say if you want to play then play, if you want to be serious than be serious. but its so effortless to draw the line. what happens when you don't expect one from the other and it just merely happens? its all a little perplexing i guess. but perhaps before anything else, maybe we should stop playing games and start getting serious with one person before pursuing anything else...

ourselves.

love,

ps. no comment! thought it was going to be better.
pps. i never knew freddy krueger was a pedo and a gardener haha.

thought # 102- the difference between distance and space

space: the gap between adoring and breathing, the ability to feel assurance in the physical presence of that significant person in your existence, the respect and trust and raw palpitating of the heart in measurements of understanding and nothingness. the separation between a hand away, the break between being a little frightened to a little more sure, the momentary pause from dialling a number to typing some letters to the one you love. the interval we escape from the mundane, quotidian routine of life to smile, be grateful and await in anticipation at the thought of him or her. the aperture that summons strength and not disaster.

distance: the horrible cold shoulder treatment, the pretence of not being affected by the absence or difference of that significant person in your existence, the lack of interest and rise of doubtful brooding. the universe apart that severes communication and understanding. the heart shaped gap inside of the rib cage, that feeling of restriction from letting that person know that you really do miss them. from the divide that rips what once could be deciphered through the absence of words and replaces this with question marks. the consistent subtraction of feelings and favourable moments, the unrelentless wanting of what we had before, the cruel vanishing of my favourite combination of you and nothing.

i know where i feel like i am but where do i really stand?

ps. i dont know about you, but im tired of cut and paste. 

thought #101- everything will be alright

lately things have not been victorious. there has been an absence of days where one smiles to themselves and leave strangers muttering "freak" under their breath. there has been much confusion, uncertainty, hurt, distance. but i awoke this morning with a conscious question, if i don't choose to be happy then how will i ever be? if i don't help myself then who will? i guess i'm not a fan of feeling depressed. im tired of merely feeling, existing by the motions of day and night, sobbing pathetically and scribbling away frustration, cursing the cold weather, acting as if a mere season of trial justifies my degradation of age and maturity. 

and so as i sit in a freezing bedroom that is the coldest in winter, hottest in summer, starring blankly at an essay i am determined to complete today, my favourite tea at hand, the killer's ironically cooing "everything will be alright," trying not to dwell on the stupidity of my actions and hoping for the best, i choose to be happy. and no this doesnt mean i'm smiling at inanimate objects, nor has the feeling of joy instantaneously arrived and everything's amazing again. it just means i am willing to move forward, i'm willing to remove myself from such darkness. and trust in He who is greater than myself.

and irrespective of how i feel, i am always here, i really meant that. because feelings, rough times, mistakes shouldn't alter anything if they are genuinely promised.

love, 

ps. i hope so too. 

thought #100- this is love

it's never always easy, it's never always straightforward, it's never always a fairy tale mutuality and waking up with animals at your bedside chirping in your ear their good mornings, it's never always simple, it's never always figured out, it's never always "this heart comes with instructions," it's never always bliss, it's never always in accordance to plan, it's never always encouraging, it's never always painless, it's never always safe, it's never always familiar, it's never always certain, it's never always trustworthy, it's never always what we always thought it would be.

but the beauty, veracity, life lies in the very notion of waking up each morning to a person you don't always feel like loving yet choose to stay for you know love is not the emotion attached to the person but the human itself. or when one or both of you become offended or hurt by each other yet have the selflessness and humility to learn from such a bruise. or when rebuke is repaid with rebellion only to realise you made the mistake and have the courage to apologise. or when you're frightened to confront or stand for what you believe in or have the guts to walk out of a relationship that is detrimental, but do so anyway with not blind confidence but faith or when history began through a sacrifice and the blood of a Saviour who, out of the abundance of his heart, breathed not religion but life into the world.

this is love.

love,

p.s. this photo made me chuckle.

p.p.s. triple digits woo. 

p.p.p.s. notice the absence of sappy shit commonly associated to love. sorry but you may have mistaken them for lust or hormones? 

thought #99- when you're to blame

you know those days, moments, fleeting instances when everything you despise or loathe in a person you mimic exactly? and you find you're so fucking great at it too. when you don't intentionally mean to hurt the people you adore, when you're impulsively foolish, inconsiderate, selfish, unrelentless. i feel like i've succeeded in all of this lately. i wish i could elucidate, but that may be mistaken for petty justification and excuses. i wish i could rewind disappointment but then i'm held captive to regret.

its at this very moment where i realise how valuable wisdom is. Godly wisdom that has the ability to prevent you from being the jerk. perhaps i could blame it on my flawed, human self. but it doesnt make things better nor heal anything that's been scattered in the open. and so i have nothing left but to wholeheartedly apologise. i am not the person you have now conjured me up to be out of my foolish, stupid mouth. i am not the person you think has changed because of things i do not know or know now. i'm sorry i disappoint you innumerable times, im sorry im not the best daughter.

and i'm sorry i'm not the best girl. and when i'm honest i'm sorry that i come off as brash and blunt. i like you for more than you can offer, for more than the contents of your cupboards, for more than i take and you give ever so selflessly (as grateful as i always am). if there's one person to blame tonight...

it's me, and this time i will refuse to be in denial.

love,

 ps. self explanatory.

thought #98- if it's too good to be true

then it probably is. perhaps i'm just being paranoid, perhaps it's the annoying presence of winter weather, perhaps university is scrunching its fists with my tired self within its contents, perhaps i'm just being fucking pathetic... this week has been a struggle. im in such a terrible mood. one that is situated between the indents of sadness, fear, apathy, selfishness, nonchalance and pessimism. perhaps i should pray about it, im ashamed to say i haven't done that in awhile. our dnm is long overdue.

lately i have been brooding over things. many things. from the paltry details to the very fabric of existence. it feels like the motion of all that has been occurring is overwhelming yet exciting, unexpected yet euphoric, terrifying yet pleasant. it feels like i've been encased in this irony. people, places, things and moments all appear foreign but amazing. prior to the arrival of this craptastic phase, life was relatively great. yet i cannot help but feel sceptic about it all. frightened perhaps that things are going too well and life is going too great that there is bound to be the gravitational catalyst which pulls us all down and breaks as all apart. i refrain from being too happy, too attached, too hopeful, too expectant. i don't want to suffocate the nothing we have. i don't want to ruin anything with assumption. but one can only give me a break to think that i fear you will get sick/bored of me, i fear that this is only transitory, i fear that this isn't just a phase, i fear i will be forever fearing.

perhaps i've just forgotten how to relax. all this uncertainty is unhealthy.
perhaps...

love,

ps. i like this photo. if life had a shape what would it be? 

thought #97- lazy or laconic?

or perhaps both? today was one of those days which place you to feel pathetic, shitty, unhappy yet not sad, smoking inhumanely away with one suspicious eye and the other ready for bed. it was definitely a moody day for me. why you may ask? to be honest there is no particular reason. i can't blame it on anything, neither can i pinpoint it to anything exactly. its a frustrating enigma. usually when i have nothing to say, i abound in much to write. but this is not the case today.

but i must add (and perhaps only one person will get this, perhaps no one will, i dont mind haha) even when i look disinterested and shitfaced and upset and absent in speech and lacking in love, i feel better by your company. and the fact that you like me enough to spend your precious time on and with me. and at the risk of sabotaging my mysteriousness, i guess my starring into the distance or freakishly ogling your face is only to disguise the uttering of my mind. and the very thought that i consider myself blessed to know someone like you. without trying to stamp out meaning with verbosity, i guess i just needed to say thank you, i appreciate you.

love,

ps. free bear hugs, the best remedy after a blah day.

thought # 96- the replacements

i think it is within our innate, subconscious humanity that whenever things conclude in life, we are inclined to replace that lover, best friend, profession, high school glory with someone or something else. its never a deliberate intention, to squeeze and attempt to cut people and situations into a mould we know deep down can only fit one but it usually ends up this way. and suddenly we find ourselves in a conflicting situation in which one party finds themselves hurt to know that they are inadequate to be a substitute and the other knows very well that no one can take his/her/that space.

and so who is to blame? well technically neither. we have just grown accustomed to this practice of secretly hoping that perhaps this person will be the one to fill the void, heal the wound, clean the shit and erase any internal feelings i have for that other person/thing. ever since we were young, we have been taught through the mindset that things can always be replaced. a broken toy, a pulverised window, for fuck's sake even a human heart can be replaced by technology (temporarily). and so when things fall apart we are nimble to seek for our replacement.

but maybe, what if we ceased thinking that people we meet in the future and moments in our existence were not just replacements? that they were not present in our world to merely succeed the rotten past or stand in as the bigger and better model. what if we saw them as not a replacement but simply for they are. not the "new boy who will be better than my ex boyfriend" not the "new boss that won't screw me over this position" not the "new best friend that won't back stab me in the dark..."

but simply the new boy that i am willing to get to know and let into the chambers and depths of my mind and heart, to not replace but create something new. simply the new boss that i am willing to listen and obey and see where this job will take me. simply the new best friend that i am willing to give and take and trust. don't get me wrong, im not saying to forget wisdom. neither am i saying rip apart your heart and give it to anyone you see. i just mean if you keep comparing or thinking that every person you meet is a replacement of the person you want them to be, then you may miss out on the whole point. you may miss out on the unique, special, newness that this person may actually bring into your life. and it may be in fact exactly what you need now and not what you once thought you desired.

love,

ps. random beautiful photo of the day.

thought #95- i would like to call it beauty

i guess there is so much to further elucidate and gush and recount and recall about the events of weekend but i'm listening to this song and am so immersed and selfishly basking in it that it's all i want to really share haha.

I Would Like To Call It Beauty
Corinne Bailey Rae


So young for death, 
We walk in shoes too big
But you play it like a poet,
Like you always did.
And I lay face upturned on the palm of God,
Pushed on by the fingertips of dreams,
They haunted me,
Consoling me.

And I would like to call, call it beauty,
Strained as love's become, it still amazes me
And I would like to call it beauty, ....

You slept a sigh like the angels speak,
And we danced into tomorrow on bleeding feet
And I had thought that I would die here
But you pushed me on,
You pushed me on,
You pushed me on

(Oh) And I would like to call it beauty,
Strained as love's become, it still amazes me
And I would like to call it beauty, ....

You can keep it all locked up in your leaden chest
Or you can lay mouth open on the water's edge
But all your angels and your God will stitch and wash you

Oh I would like to call, call it beauty,
Strained as love's become, it still amazes me
And I would like to call it beauty, ....


love,

ps. oh my fucking gosh. brilliant seats, screaming sissy partner and midnight maccas runs. sickeningly good saturday!

thought #94- queen of time management

i have a confession to make. i actually enjoy filling out these pathetic little notes. remember the good old days of myspace and bulletins? yes i was one of those annoying pricks that filled up your bulletin posts with those questionnaires which made you roll your eyes and think to yourself " if i see another fucking 100 questions..." seeing as myspace has long been deactivated and buried and seeing as facebook notes are pointless, i thought i would waste no one's space and put up notes on my blog haha. this is what not to do on at 12:26am, friday morning with a lecture in a few hours.

and so the lame notes begin.

10 things you want to say to 10 different people right now.

1. i'm sorry i dont say it as often as i should, but thank you. i am indebted to you eternally. 
2. i will always be your friend, you will always mean something to me.
3. tomorrow!
4. i hate when we always reschedule and never follow through. i miss you already! 
5. i really do love you, even when im being a nasty temperamental creature. 
6. can we book a flight to nowhere and just go on holidays already?
7. i think i have a girl crush on you.
8. there's only one person i am willing to be sappy, uneventful and happy simultaneously with. that person is you.
9. i'm glad to have someone like you to put up with someone like me.
10. i love baby bumps! i'm so excited!

9 things about yourself.

1. i am verbose on paper, laconic in speech.
2. i have many dreams, i hope they all mate with reality haha.
3. i'm not much of an outdoor person.
4. i'm an insomniac.
5. i'm not a hopeless romantic, just hopeless. 
6. i get full really easily, its safe to say i have no stomach.
7. i write and bash my piano in extreme cases of euphoria and depression.
8. i laugh at the most inappropriate, awkward or "i really like you but i dont want to look like an idiot so i'm just going to laugh" times (pretty much at everything) . 
9. i'm a generally nice, hopeful person.

8 ways to win my heart.

1. be skinny, cardigan wearing and european (this already substitutes 6/8 ways to win my heart haha kidding) 
2. be authentic
3. make me laugh with lame, awkward, sarcastic humour.
4. be family orientated and respectful.
5. believe in God.
6. be generous and humble
7. have a decent sense of style
8. have goals and direction in life.

7 things that cross your mind alot.

1. him
2. purpose
3. future
4. love
5. life
6. clothes haha
7. friends, family and strangers

6 stupid things you want to do before you die.

1. get a tattoo.
2. sky dive.
3. skinny dip in winter.
4. fall in love.
5. fluently learn another language.
6. finally learn to ride a damn bicycle.


5 turn offs.

1. facial hair
2. clingy and possessive
3. indecisiveness in terms of life decisions
4. arrogance and players
5. compulsive lying


4 turn ons.

1. great at sweet nothings
2. appreciative of the weird music, films and literature i immerse myself in.
3. non- deliberately awkward
4. puts up with me.


3 smilies to describe you.

1. :)
2. :P
3. ;)


2 things you wish you never did.

1. stop learning to play the piano at 5.
2. that is all.


1 confession.

1. i'm a man, really. 


love,

ps. no relevance at all to this entry (like this entry was relevant in the first place) i just like the photo haha. 

thought #93- we're all a little...

we're all a little creature, we're all a little noisy, we're all a little self-indulgent, we're all a little pretentious, we're all a little cautious, we're all a little fucked, we're all a little tired, we're all a little nauseous, we're all a little uncertain, we're all a little captive, we're all a little addicted, we're all a little fragile, we're all a little mean, we're all a little pathetic, we're all a little bitter, we're all a little promiscuous, we're all a little frightened, we're all a little vague, we're all a little foolish. 

volta

we're all a little human, we're all a little brilliant, we're all a little genius, we're all a little romantic, we're all a little saved, we're all a little confident, we're all a little different, we're all a little uplifting, we're all a little generous, we're all a little compassionate, we're all a little beautiful, we're all a little polite, we're all a little pure, we're all a little authentic, we're all a little nostalgic, we're all a little illuminating, we're all a little peaceful, we're all a little euphoric, we're all a little wise.

we're all a little ironic and in our scintillated being, this life is meant for finding that other person who possesses the same and dissimilar attributes to make you understand what it means to be whole. 

love,

ps. its the front of a card, what do you expect? i give you permission to vomit inside haha. 

thought #92- sweet nothings

according to a close source i am supposedly chill. i am yet to decipher what that exactly means but i hope, apart from the laziness and procrastination it alludes to, it is a positive attribute to possess haha. in the busyness of humanity and the constant motion of our world, i always thought it would be lovely to have someone to do nothing with. someone who shared the same philosophy when it came to unforced, non-pressuring company. it is so easy to take for granted rest, the pause of mind and soul, times where stillness is actually more beneficial than progress. in a society that stresses over systematic achievements, and obsesses over getting everything done and fitting birth, growing up and death in 24 hours, i truly value times where you feel nonchalant, placid and lovely.

where you can sit on a couch for a ridiculous amount of time and yet in the milieu of hectic-ness, where people are graduating literally before our eyes, be absolutely content with the person by your side. and need nothing to entertain but the delightful awkward moments and momentary ogles and an inability to hide one's patheticness. i dont know if you've ever experienced such a moment. it makes you liquefy a little inside. and so i guess what i am trying to say, if there is any real meaning behind today's thought, is that it is not a crime to want to indulge in a little nothing. enjoy the absence of that busy, busy, busy lifestyle we are forced to conform. i mean theres always a time for everything yes, but do not forget to pause once in awhile and appreciate the goodness of life.

and so i've always thought it would be nice to find someone that you can like simply because. to like him more without reasons, because you can like him in the nothingness, peaceful and stillness of this quotidian routine which we call life.

i think i may have found that person.

love,

ps. i like this picture. sleep + lovers = sweet nothings.

thought #91- the sugary highs and the bitter lows

the time is one minute to midnight and i have deserted any hopes of falling asleep soon due to the sugar gorge i experienced at reg's 21st tonight. it was splendid to fleetingly reunite and catch up with folk i have literally not seen in years whilst in the company of shots of nerds, mini cupcakes, pixie sticks and chocolate fountains. it was a dentist/mother's nightmare and every child's fantasy to be surrounded by ridiculous amounts of candy, and seeing as my self-control tonight was pathetic i shall be detoxing away this week in order to somewhat psychologically redeem myself haha.

anyway, i guess tonight i have been pondering on a very relevant topic- the highs and lows of life. we all experience this, the adrenaline rush, the sugar fix that takes you from feeling absolutely lousy to having the confidence to conquer the world. the momentary instance where you think this chance may never come again and thus risk whatever to follow through tepid waters. i guess the emotion that is attached to a high is exhilarating, as if the mind switches off and the heart navigates its way for a second, choosing whatever feels right from the logical elucidation we'd normally muse over. and thus enters the danger. the consequences always seem iota compared to the momentary pleasures of what we will soon experience. but just as gravity and the natural laws of our planet like to shit all over our idealistic dreams,  what goes up must come down. the low, the regret, its never pretty.

does that mean we should always live on the safe side, avoiding chances and risks for the fear of facing failure and regret head on? it's something we must grapple with everyday. yes i mean wisdom must definitely play a role in whatever decision you choose and yes there is something such as simultaneously having the right and wrong feeling. but whatever happens, we must learn to discern the difference between a sugary high and the real deal. especially when it comes to the matters of the heart. i have been a repeat offender in thinking something meant something more because the moment was more than i had expected it to be... if that makes sense. the results are the bitter lows in which we clutch our stomach due to our greedy gorging, wish we could simply fall asleep and curse our wretched lack of self control.

as splendid as a sugar high may sound, id rather experience nothing of the sort as long as i find someone who will be constant and true regardless of the highs and lows life presents us with. yes, placid and plateau may be boring but its the one for me. 

love,

ps. puke!