thought #182- rewind, fast forward

2010 was:

to say the least an eventful year. moments, memories that encapsulate and epitomize what 2010 has been can only be associated with change and firsts. i have learn't much, changed much, experienced much and lived much this year. it has sort of become a catalyst in life as if everything in existence as merely placid cruising until this year. i giggle and cringe at the thought of everything that has occurred in this year. the midnight kiss, the messy nights, queensland, the heartaches, the euphorias, the decisions, the letting go and moving on, university, turning eighteen, the vices, hospital, brunches and lunches, meeting new friends and missing the old, writing articles, getting a job and the dwindling faith you feel perpetually convicted by. i've had such an amazing, frustrating, confusing, joyous and blessed year.

2011 will be:

and i say aloud with much hope, even better than the last. what i love is knowing that though 2010 has brought much change and firsts, it has still left 2011 a chance to catch up. there are still so many things to do, people to love, places to go, convictions to attend and a bigger, much more delightful life to live. i enter 2011 with much hope and optimism. who knows, perhaps this is the year to find the boy, finally get my Ps, get inked, quit smoking, get a hd, reacquaint myself with dear friends and make new ones along the way, reinvent my wardrobe and redecorate my room, start fresh with people i still want in life but momentarily took for granted, love my parents more, travel overseas, refrain from alcohol poisoning, learn how to cook, do more live gigs, experiment and expand. i can only hope and pray for a favorable and blessed year ahead.

ps. oh the irony, happy new years lovelies. hope you're partying hard or in my case heartspilling at 1: 24am :)

thought #181- merry christmas!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
heart over head

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't think i made any for this year. i think i'll repeat this for 2011 as well.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my darling jem

4. Did anyone close to you die?
a relative

5. What countries did you visit?
none, how depressing

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
wisdom

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

april seventeen

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting a job and surviving my first year of uni

9. What was your biggest failure?
letting go of people i shouldn't have and falling for strangers

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing more than the odd cold and cough

11. What was the best thing you bought?
john mayer and the strokes tickets

12. Who was your favorite person to be with this year?


gerry

13. Who was your least favorite person this year?
haha


14. Where did most of your money go?
food, christmas presents and cigarettes

15. What are you really excited about?
2011

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
hey soul sister- train

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier?
yes and no

Thinner or fatter?
fatter i reckon

richer or poorer?
poorer but for the best

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
more of Him, less of me


19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
more of me, less of Him

20. Did you fall in love in 2010?
everything but love

21. How many one-night stands?
haha

22. What was your favourite TV program?
modern family

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no, miss yes.

24. What was the best book you read?
the picture of dorian gray- oscar wilde

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
many actually.

26. What did you want and get?
a job and i got it.

27. What was your favourite film of this year?
toy story 3

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
finally turned 18, had a lovely dinner and night out with the people i love.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a boy and HD.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
bipolar

31. What kept you sane?
favourites

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
alexa chung, michael cera and julian casablancas

33. Who did you miss the most in 2010?
sam and maddie

34. Who was the best new person you met?
sg girls

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
guard your heart, be wise and just because it feels right or you want it doesn't necessarily mean it's for the best.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"everything is full of life."

thought #180- shake it like a polaroid picture

Day 12: A photo of you

the most recent luvo. i salvaged this beautiful pleated silk bottle green blouse grandma was about to dispose. considering wearing it for chrissie hmm.

ps. can't believe christmas is so soon. so is new years!

love

thought #179- movies are not a representation of life

Day 11: A photo of your favourite film(s)

to be honest my list is almost endless. but to save us all time i'll cut it down to my top 5.

1. spirited away/howl's moving castle. these two miyazaki masterpieces are tied in my adoration for them. these are flicks i could honestly watch over and over and over again.

2. fight club. i adore this film! everything from the extreme violence, ridiculous echoes of nihilism and anarchy to brad pitt half naked in a brawl. a definite fav.

3. amelie i mean what's not to love about this film? everything from the french language, quirky little outbursts of trivial yet meaningful information, a cute love story. je t'aime amelie!

4. sixteen candles. i am a sucker for 80's and 90's teen movies. everything from the breakfast club, st. elmo's fire, pretty in pink to 10 things i hate about you, she's all that, the rules of attraction etc etc. love them all. sixteen candles is just one that hits the spot each and everytime. plus the leading guy is cute and plus it's a joy to hear molly ringwald scream "it's my fucking birthday!" haha

5. the virgin suicides. i'm also a fan of quirky offbeat movies that involve a narrator. yes it's depressing and creepy but i really love sofia coppola and she truly doesnt disappoint with this one.

love

thought# 178- fact or fiction

dear ______,

i don't mind if we're not ourselves. if you're no longer the person i fell in love with. because honestly i'm no longer the person you fell in love with too. i don't mind pretending as if we're back to the beginning. i don't mind sitting perpetually over a full pot of tea and a blanket of cigarette smoke, reacquainting ourselves. meeting like it was the first time- slightly nervous; you fidgeting, myself giggling. our heart chambers guarded, our minds conscious and aware- starring not at a lover but figuring out a human being. i don't miss you because you is no longer who you are now. i would rather meet you again and give myself a chance to miss you. not a fragment of your past identity, a walking epitome i inked in my skull. let me sever the notions of a mr right. an absurd standard no mortal can ever reach, then maybe we can talk again.

i no longer expect nothing. i don't want to mould a perception of what we are to become. because assumptions hurt. and i've tread on water for this long to voluntarily shoot myself in the stomach and give it all up. there's no such thing as what ifs anymore. i only think of now and the next. i am willing to apologise. i've mourned the death of what we had.

this doesn't mean i want to love you again, nor does it mean i don't want too either. i just wanted to let you know that it's time we've moved on. let go and remove ourselves (actually myself) from this subconscious fixation i've placed myself in for awhile now. life is to precious and fleeting to merely sit in one spot and wait until maybe where we once envisioned ourselves to be together to occur. maybe is superfluous. i just want to get to know you. that's it. and if the feeling is not mutual, then i'll know i've lost something quite precious in life. a tragedy that i will associate an "oh well..." to in public but never really get over.

love,

thought #177- from the tongue of infants and babes

Day 10: A photo of you as a baby

i actually don't have a baby photo saved to this computer so i'm going to show you a photo of yours truly as an infant. close enough.

i believe i was five in this. sporting my fav personalised sailor hat from disney land and rocking the double denim. i still look the same haha

love,

thought #176- whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life

i have a confession. i love michael buble's "i just haven't met you yet." i really do, especially the video clip. everything from the cheesy choreography inside of a grocery, the notion of the love of your life in disguise as a stranger, the idealistic, whimsical feeling of love to his end realisation that it was all just a fucking daydream. it really gets to me, the inner sappy shit that i attempt to murder each and every day. but i like to think this wait, this absence of affection, this long listless routine of morning, noon and night and nothing really in between is just preparing my spirit for something much bigger to blow me away.

it's true. it's when you least expect, it's who you least expect that create happiness and a closer glimpse of completion in life. it may not be recreated as perfectly as buble's film clip, or how our dreams of meeting a prince charming in a heroic/ he-rescued-me-from-stupidity kind of way. but it will come. perhaps he was a person you initially hated. perhaps it will be the man you sit adjacent going home on the bus with. perhaps it's that stranger you see ordering the same toffee nut latte at your local coffee shop. perhaps its a mutual friend at a drunken christmas party. maybe it's your childhood best friend. maybe, maybe, maybe. it could be anyone.

i think that's what's so exciting and terrifying about the future. so be careful, cautious, love with an wide heart and even wider eyes. treat everyone with respect, be wise and remain hopeful. sometimes, whilst stuck in this conundrum of endless, perpetual waiting, you forget that maybe its you that the Creator is internally and subconsciously moulding and preparing for that one person you're holding out for too. i think we fail to realise that relationships are two sided, that waiting for the right one is just as much as their feelings as is yours.

so as i write, feeling like im in a 100 year draught and that i've been cursed to never lavishly pour my adoration to any male, i remind myself that even if i think i am ready. maybe he isn't. maybe i'm not either. and when that time, be it tomorrow, in two weeks or seven years, arrives it'll be just as magical as dancing in a supermarket aisle with the attendants, figuratively speaking of course.

love,

ps. you better watch it now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

thought #175- expectations and reality

i recall writing a post earlier on in the year regarding disappointment and expectations. the notion appears to have surfaced once again in my train of thought. the heart aching distance, and gap between what we hope and what really happens. that little bitch, reality. sometimes in life we are fortunate to experience expectations and reality align. we see what we hope for pleasantly blossom into what is presently in front of our hands and the feeling is beyond amazing. sadly, this is not always the case and more frequently (than not) do we find ourselves disappointed by what we pray, wish and finger cross never really going according to our plan or premeditated ideas.

i currently find myself in this pickle, at this present moment in life. not that i have filled myself with unbelievable amounts of expectations. i've actually come to this point in life where i no longer expect anything. i mean i do have hopes and goals and such but in terms of potential loves and the similar, i've adopted the "go with the flow" approach. so far it's been good. apart from the fluctuating periods of utter boredom and restlessness, i find a sense of peace resting placidly over my little ticker.

but i guess circumstances, trivial meetings and routine thoughts have caused a little mess in my once structured approach to relationships. suddenly i find that my subconscious expectations about certain things have been thrown left of centre and i suddenly find myself feeling disappointed. foreign, i know. its as if i thought seeing him again would create this whirlwind of affection to just bloat out of both our chests and that i'd realise i was foolish to ever end anything that we once previously had. but that wasn't the case. and though i'm glad things aren't awkward. i'm also stunted by the triviality, the indifference, the lack of familiarity between us. i mean i wasnt expecting a lust at first sight. but maybe something more than what i'm feeling now. it feels as if in reality our encounter made no difference when in expectation it should have shook or stirred something....

ok now im babbling and heart spilling way too much for my liking. maybe im just overanalysing. maybe this is a sign for me to stop chasing after expectations and start living in reality. whatever happens i just hope things are evolving this way for the better. i might not understand now but i will in time. it after all isn't about me anyway.

love,

ps. exactly.

thought #174- how do you measure a man?

how can you measure how much you're worth to someone? is it by the amount of time they spend with you? the sacrifice and going out of their way to personally lavish and love you? is it by the way they pour themselves out as if your sight makes them want to cut their heart in half and spill lust, love, fear and hope? is it by words, actions, silent adoration?

it's so easy to proclaim and reassure ones self, saying things like sure they love me and of course they'll have my back. but then one ugly moment, hurtful deed, words  suddenly makes you doubt your faith in that so called dedicated person. its so easy to think you know a person that well, you think they value what you once shared or still share, then they press the delete on your existence in their life and forget you. then suddenly you question your worth to that person. sadly, "i thought they loved me" is a common mistake. moral of the story? people will let you down, relationships won't always be as sunshine and lollipops, but honestly if the person you value and prioritise considers you an option, think again. if the person you're contemplating staying with, doesn't see your worth, walk away. assumptions suck. "i thought" always hurts. don't be an idiot and wait for the day when he/she/they say to your face "you don't mean anything to me." there's so much better in store. life awaits.

love, 

thought #173- blood bonds

Day 9: A photo of your family

they drive me insane, i drive them insane. God, how i love them.

love,

thought #172- for the love of julian

Day 8: A photo of your favourite musician/band

to be honest, he isn't my favourite musician of all time. blasphemy i know. there's just so many people whose sound blow my mind. but julian casablancas is definitely my favourite musician to look at haha. no competition there.

love,

ps. the pleasure's all mine, jules.

thought #171- boy friend

i've always wanted a boy bestfriend who i could never love. or spend my whole life trying to brainwash myself to think otherwise. we would do everything together; publicly platonic, privately consumed. we would spend hours on the phone raging about nonsense, visit cities together and take horrible photos whilst intoxicated. we would sip tea and cook each other breakfast, tell each other secrets and ask each other if our bum looked big in that pair of jeans. we would read books together and play scrabble and be competitive until someone caves in and becomes the sore loser. we would know what was on each other's minds without speech. we would slowdance to jeff buckley in the evenings and pathetic rockstar dance to reptillia during the day. we would have arguments that would last for days and fights that hurt us more than the other would know but still manage to work things out and conclude with a sorry. we would go camping in the backyard, confess of new loves and secretly cry over them. we would console each other over heartaches and lavish each other with limitless amounts of cuddles and spooning. we would shout over rooftops and smoke cigarettes in the dark. we would write about each other in journals and let each other read it after the year goes by. we would kiss once, impulsively, realise how awkward it was then never do it again. we would grow up, move to different cities, live different lives, marry different people and realise suddenly in the moment of mediocrity that we can really love and do life with no one, the way we could with each other. my kind of love story haha.

love,

 

thought #170- self- destruction

i, along with the six billion people in this universe, have my fair share of insecurities. i have days where i pass by the mirror and curse my absence of a nose, my pathetic truncated version of legs and my non-existent rack. i have days where i stare blankly at a textbook and wish thinking came that naturally. i have days where i question if i will ever really find the one for me, or will life be peppered with innumerable hit and misses until my heart is nothing left but an empty chamber of what i once knew to be love. i have days where i pretend i'm not concerned about what people think about me, that i'm not confused, that i'm altogether and constructed. i have days where i wish i didn't have to live in a world of subconscious expectation, where we didn't have to worry about friends and lovers being strangers again, where the people we love never died, where the concept of lies were foreign and we would all have a good time and never have to wake up with a hangover the next morning. i have days where i feel utterly ashamed about who i am and am frightened that God might never want to talk to me again. in summary, i have shit, sunshine's- not-coming-out-of-my-ass- this- time, days.

but then i think as much as insecurities are wired within our human nature, it's pure self- destruction. you don't gain anything from it and the people around you essentially don't benefit (unless everyone hates you... bitch haha i kid). maybe we can be optimistic for once. i don't mean big headedness or surreality, i mean accept all facets of life. i mean everday its a conscious quest to accept the fact that i'm not supermodel material with freakishly gazelle legs. or that i'm not albert einstein and never will come close to being him. or that i still don't know the answers to many questions i conjure, like if i will die alone. but if there's not one single man on this earth i'm supposed to be with, happiness and love still exists because it will never merely be determined by mushy wooing words or the way you turn gelloid when he touches you. or that i will never fully understand, or perfectly have it alltogether, and that the world i want will never come to being so waste no time thinking about what people think of you or what you want but can never have.

seize what you can now. love what is in front of you. battle with what is given in your hands. accept the fact that you will always have shit days. that you will always have insecurities. because that's what a human being is. we're just a bunch of insecure skin and bones, taped together by a brain that overanalyses and a heart that doesn't know when to stop beating at the actions of pricks. but thankfully, our Creator didn't just make us and leave us to fend for ourselves. i think the whole difference comes down to purpose. that there is so much more than this. that eternity isn't idealistic. that in comparison, my insecurities are but a smidgen in the bigger picture of humanity.

love,

ps. insecurities are what you may have, but they don't make who you are.

thought #169- love is not the absence of hate

it's the absence of fear.


Day 7: A photo of someone you love

to be honest, there isn't a lot of people i truly wholeheartedly love. i know that sounds monstrous and horrible but it's true. i mean of course i adore my friends and favourites but at the end of the day if someone were to ask me who i, apart from God, unconditionally love, sacrifice myself for it would be my parents. i mean yes we get into a lot of shit and arguments and sometimes they drive me insane (though i suspect the feeling is mutual) they have loved me (by default) ever since i came into this world and i know whatever happens they will never cease to. these are the people i can trust, who look out for me, who try to understand me, who want what's best for me even if i can't see the benefit. at the end of the day these are the two who would dive in front of a bullet for me. i'm there one and only and i love them immensely.

it kind of saddens me when i hear kids saying how much they hate their parents, and i mean yes there are times when their stubborn, tough love makes you want to punch someone in the face, but your parents are the only ones you've got. you don't get a second pair. i say make the most of what you've got. love what you have. see things from their perspective and even at the points you disagree, respect the difference. i hate to sound like im lecturing, because i'm far from the perfect example of how to be an immaculate child, i just know there's no gain in being depressed and distant with your parents. i've tried it before and being angry is just shit. you don't gain anything being the "misunderstood" immature delinquent. i know, i know cheesedick suck up spiel. but it's the truth. until i find a man who is synonymous with love, the closest platonic thing i've got are my two old farts. bless them.

love,

thought # 168- laughter is the best medicine

cliche but true.


Day 6: A photo that makes you laugh

There are honestly a million. but the first that caught my eye is a tumblr treasure. i don't even remember on whose tumblr exactly i just remember thinking it was hilarious. enjoy!

love,

thought #167- vocal chords

study for finals are officially doing my head in. so much to learn and cram and still so much i am yet to understand. the fear of failure is a terrible reality. so as a result of my accumulated stress, i chose the healthier alternative to smoking half a deck and singing. believe it or not, i sing to unwind. i think people have this gross miscalculation that i sing all the time, every single minute of the day. this is sorely untrue. back in the days i used to sing alot, these days i'm spared to moments of boredom, gigs and in this case stress. vocalisation = stress relief. i highly recommend it.

now knowing that not alot of people read this i feel safe enough to post a raw, uncut vid of me doing a cover. this is certainly not youtube worthy haha. so i'm not even going to bother promoting it. it's a weird thing to watch and listen back to vids you record. it shows the faults in your voice. i've seen many in this vid, can you? haha irrespective of that fact, here's a vid. since i've never posted one on this. and it's the voice within (christina aguilera). cheesy pop songs note are also the best songs to vocalise in. they may be trashy and shit but they extend the vocal range tremendously... trust me haha.

anywho enjoy and i challenge you next time you are in need of a chill pill. sing. really how shit or brilliant doesn't matter. just do it.

love,

thought #166- me again

Day 5: A photo of you

i think i've had my fair share of narcissism on my own blog so i hope they don't ask for a similar request again! the latest luvo in the innumerable pile (how embarrassing).

love,

thought #165- take me away

Day 4: A photo of the last place you went on holiday

it's slightly depressing to think that my last real "holiday" was almost a year ago. although my 2010 has been filled with much adventure and change, it has sadly been starved of a proper holiday. so i must say the most recent is schoolies. and what a holiday it was. it epitomised the meaning of a vacation, utter relaxation from the thoughts of hsc, not a care in the world. one week away from family, civilisation and the suburbia we call home. one week of recklessness, drunken nights, hot beached days and feeling all mature cooking and cleaning. more than friends feelings emerged, dnms made, things we regret, things we don't but all in all it was one hell of a holiday. i do miss it. i need to be taken away this summer again. rid myself from uni, responsibility, thoughts and maturity and just chill for old times sake :)

love,

thought #164- happiness is not an emotion, its a state of mind

Day 3: A photo that makes you happy

i have many photos that make me happy. it's almost impossible to simply select one. i've decided to base my answers on this challenge in regards to 2010 (unless instructed otherwise) so narrowing it down (still difficult) it would have to be this photo

this was taken in april 2010, for my 18th birthday dinner. i have to say that this night was one to place in the subconscious pile of eventful, amazing moments in life. in the company of the people i adored, 5 star hotel dining, followed by a messy night clubbing. it was exactly how i wanted my 18th to be, refined and a little wild simultaneously. i remember being in a state of euphoria at this point of life. not a care in the world. uni still being breezy, heart still intact, friends and family by my side. it really was such an amazing night of this year. i still can't help grin whenever i see this. i miss it, but i know life can only get much better than this.

love,

thought#163- summer lovin'

i cannot absolutely wait until finals are done with and i can begin enjoying my summer. the to-do list has emerged once again with much to do and accomplish. so here's the holiday schedule and a farewell to all things dignified and a bank account with money in it.

the summer holiday list:

1. pass all spring subjects (must, must, must).
2. finalise 2011 timetable.
3. GET Ps!
4. work all day.
5. play and party with lovelies.
6. purchase entire box sets of daria and skins.
7. visit the beach
8. go on a holiday (be it local or wherever, in dire need to escape).
9. grow locks.
10. lose winter wobble.
11. get inked.
12. record.
13. write.
14. gig.
15. absinthe salon.
16. cooking classes.
17. dinner and high tea.
18. organise friperie
19. sponsor a compassion child.
20. love life. 

oh this summer looks so amazing. now to study and momentarily anguish about my teritary study.

love,

thought# 162- two thousand and nine

Day 2: A photo of yourself a year ago

This was already done but i am not one to be lacking in luvo photos haha so here's a photograph.

love,

thought #161- take a picture, it'll last longer.

once again, ive been sucked into another 30 day challenge haha.

Day 1: Your Facebook profile picture

Taken at Denise's 21st birthday shindig. This photo reminds me of the old school days, I miss them.

thought #160- lisp

i still remember the first time we met. i was minding my own business, sitting at a cafe i regularly (though not religiously) visited. my eyes were fixated upon the first few pages of prozac nation. the prose drowning me with its hypnotic, suffocating swell. i had one hand cupped against my skim mocha, the other wrapped around my book. i paid no attention to my surroundings, enveloped by physical and mental warmth. a careless body bumped into me and i was automatically removed from my hypnosis. he wore a collared shirt. tight pants and those leather boat shoes. i thought he looked geeky. slightly ridiculous. in between handsome and unusual. he kind of had a feminine twang to his grimace. he noticed my attention and blinked repeatedly. i thought he had something in his eye.

"sorry" he said. i heard a soft lisp.

i returned to my book but noticed the time. i left in a hurry and dropped my pen.

three weeks later my friend asked me to attend a pub gig. it was one of those warm spring nights, filled with sparkling wine and bare shoulders. we were smoking cigarettes, our backs against cool walls ridden with peeling paint. then he went on stage. armed with his weapon; armed with a guitar. he wore a collared shirt. tight pants and those leather boat shoes. it was him. i could not mistake it. i hadn't seen him for three weeks.

he strummed a few chords before continuing to greet the cheerful crowd. his lisp amplifyed as if he were making love to the microphone.

"this is a song i wrote, three weeks ago. about a girl, i didn't even meet. i know it sounds awkward because it is. i'm not a creep, i promise. i just kind of wish i said hello or something. or at least returned the pen she dropped. i'm sorry i let a stranger like her go as a stranger. this song's called sorry." i heard that soft lisp.

i remember feeling somewhat touched. somewhat frightened. somewhat freaked out. some what adored. he sat at the bar and i saw a pen sticking out of his left pocket, like a hand waving to be seen.  i approached him and said "i believe that's my pen."

he looked like he had seen an apparition. i told him i enjoyed his song and that he better not let me leave as a stranger again tonight. and so he didn't. and so i got my pen back.

a week later, i read more of prozac nation reaching the lines  I’d never been one of the lucky ones. I was always single, with occasional lapses into-well, into other kinds of lapses. feeling utterly empathetic. but then a lapse becomes a reality and out of nowhere people come into your life. then suddenly feeling sorry for yourself is nonsense. he came over one day. the lisp boy with the collared shirt, tight pants and leather boat shoes. he said he wrote a new song about me and he looked away with rouge cheeks. "this song's called thank you." 

love,

ps. must find this book and movie.

thought 159#- we're friends not just.

so last week i unintentionally bumped into someone i  had previously adored. adored being an understatement. i was fantastically smitten over this guy to the point of ocd, unable to speak in his presence kind of pathetic shit (come on i was in year eight, give me a break). but anyway, i hadn't physically seen him for over a year so to casually exchange greetings and cheap conversation was nice. but to be honest i couldnt refrain from thinking at the back of my head "wow, i used to like crazy stalker love this guy." it was an awkward thought to be having whilst in mid-conversation but i couldn't help myself. as i walked away from that trivial encounter i realised/accepted something crucial. "we are just friends. and that's how it was always supposed to be." of course it would of saved me innumerable hours and moments of heartache, confusion and what not if i had merely accepted this fact but the journey is far more important than the destination in this context. 

i think its slightly frightening to see someone you used to have a past with, used to feel differently about, have memories that are much more than walking down the street and saying "how's it going?" and find that normality. at the back of your mind you wonder how to act. how can you just be friends when you never started off as one? but once you finally get to that place of realisation, once you are at peace it's honestly amazing. it feels like you're no longer competing or trying to figure something out that isn't even there. the deciphering, the obsessive crazed delusion is washed away by this understanding that life goes on and its very normal to filter through people and where they stand.

i can honestly say i am at rest with the guys who are affiliated with this concept. all but one. but we're getting there. i can finally be happy to say we're just friends and that's how its meant to be. life is so much better facing reality then abusing and bruising yourself over a fantasy, a mendacious hope that he'll wake up and realise we belong or some shit. i mean yes im slightly carnal to say that id be quite satisfied if all the people in the world that cracked open my heart would wake up and realise they want me back but can never again, but other than that im living in hope NOT illusion. if they're meant to be they'll be and if friendship is all that it's meant to be, then so be it.

love,

 

ps. i adore this movie! beyond the fact ryan reynolds graces us with his sexy presence and is momentarily fat and singing i swear haha.  

pps. friperie's spring collection is out pretty bitches and handsome pricks (haha totally kidding). check it out at http://friperiesydney.blogspot.com

thought #158- i want a boyfriend, minus the boyfriend

i'm slightly embarrassed to confess this but i'm kind of lonely. laugh as you will, call me soft and weak, label me romantic and cheesy but that is the veracity. now this doesn't mean i'm desperate and about to pounce on the next guy that presents me with a hint of attention, neither does it mean that i'm ready to sell my soul for a relationship. it's just a momentary feeling of solitude. no biggie but i must say a lot of things have affected this sudden change (or absence) of heart.

first, it's the current desert of romantic interests i find myself stranded on. now don't get me wrong the feeling is a relief, and i'm not fussed either. but the last time i didn't like someone was.... i can't even remember because it was that long ago. i guess i've just grown accustomed to always having someone there to fantasise and stalk haha. someone to secretly adore or publicly admire. second, is the sudden increase in relationships/engagements/love. it's both a nauseous, envious feeling. with almost ever facebook status riddled with "SO AND SO IS GETTING ENGAGED!!!... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY... I'M GOING TO BE A MRS!" farout. i puke on the tissue i use to wipe my stray tears (totally joking). third is the lack of excitement. there is no more fun; the thrill of the pursuit, the euphoric "honeymoon" phase, the catastrophic heartbreak (thank God) and the getting over. nothing.

i'm trying not to sound like i'm complaining but i suck at patience. i guess i just miss the feeling, the memories, the security. i miss not being so selfish. i feel guilty for saying so, as if i'm craving gluttonous treats. but is it really such a sin to want someone to grin about in public and frighten strangers, receive a text message and know exactly who it is, someone to spend the day with and not grow weary. someone to write notes on your bed side table with pretty things like "have a good day, ugly x" someone you down a bottle of wine with even when there isn't any reason to celebrate, someone to finish your food, someone to take half- cut face photographs with, someone to tell secrets with and giggle about the most trivial things. someone to smile at like a pathetic little nutter, someone to cook brunch with and stay in bed all afternoon with obscure films and a guitar, someone willing to try and figure you out as you do the same with him. maybe it is. maybe i just need to get out more. maybe that person doesn't exist. or is halfway across the world thinking the same things about a girl with a concocted identity. maybe, maybe not.

love,

ps. my dear lord, kill me now.

thought #157- where do you end and where do i begin?

 "for something to begin, something must end"

i don't think i can count the times i have repeatedly encountered this phrase. be it in a church sermon, peppered within the contents of a cheesy love song, said in tears by a chick flick protagonist, found within the lines of novel, anywhere and everywhere. it is after all truth.

i recall writing about "endings" in a previous thought, and once again it appears as a reoccurring notion. i don't think i'll ever get over thinking about endings. they happen too often in life to forget. i think we often fail to remember that the death of things, people, epochs in life are not always sad. i mean its true, there's nothing happy and pleasant about having to say goodbye to a two year relationship with someone you actually thought of realistically walking down the aisle with. or graduating high school, or when someone you love with cancer passes away, or when you suddenly realise you're not 13 and can never be again. the end and death of something is always painful, especially when it isn't wanted. especially when it isn't inevitable,  especially when we still cling to what we know we must leave behind.

but this is life. we will never grow, learn, change and blossom if we are forever confined to the same atmosphere, people, thoughts, experiences. we make our own minds up, our own lives up, our own beliefs and values to follow by the things that end and begin in life. maybe for you to learn to forgive or begin to love you have to end that relationship that was actually destroying both parties. maybe for you to experience the world and challenge your convictions you had to graduate high school and enter the real world in all its wonder, brilliance, tragedy and chaos. maybe it is only after physical death  that you begin to cherish the importance of life and understand the fleeting nature of existence. and maybe it is only that you're no longer a teenager that responsibility, freedom and wisdom is birthed.

i'm not saying you can't grieve, i'm not even saying "for fuck sakes just get over it" because we're only human. it takes time. for some it's a day, some it's three months, some its fifteen years. sometimes it's never really. but the irrefutable truth is if you want something to start, you must bid something adieu. permanently... well for as permanent, this non-permanent life can get.

love,

ps. so true.
pps. http://thxthxthx.com/ love this site.

thought #156- scribbles

my insomnia birthed a few lines of a story ( a story with zero plot, storyline or future yet to be figured). i don't know if i will ever finish or really start this. just a few lines to get the brain and creativity back on the treadmill again.

There is something innately beautiful about struggle. The way leaves refuse to unfurl at a Winter’s lash. The war between a body and a bed at 6am. My refusal to stop loving people long after they have stopped loving me. Nevertheless lies something extraordinary. Perhaps it is found in the wiring of a human being, to forever be relentless. To bicker with the option of “no” and the alternative of “lose.” I always thought being ruthless was rather romantic. To surrender, weak. However, sadly, us humans in our constrained capabilities are forever slaves to limitations. One can only love so much, struggle so much, live so much until they want no more. Like myself and like today.

love,

ps. finally, motivation = fire at the heels.

thought #155- it's easy to think you know someone, but truly knowing them is the hardest part.

i've come to terms with the fact that i will never completely figure someone out, myself included. i think part of me; the carnal, competitive and knowledge- hungry self will be forever attempting and equally forever disappointed by this. i've somewhat lived by this chimera that one day i will meet that someone who will truly get me, someone i will in return banish complexity and see right through.

and so the quest has always been founded upon this foolish guideline, meeting people exchanging numbers, trading hearts and find in the very moment you are so very caught up in each other's lives that you don't know this person as well as you thought. it may be a gradual realisation, an accumulation of disappointment and qualm. or it maybe that one instance, sitting in a restaurant on that casual friday night date (as you often do; nothing extraordinary), that he says something that makes you suddenly doubt or feel disgusted. and that feeling, that gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that you can't pretend something when it is already in existence and fully aware in your world. and in that fleeting moment, that harmless iota and insignificant dent in another twenty- four hour day, you realise that you don't really know much after all.

perhaps its a sudden human notion of repulsion, unattractedness or a turn-off or perhaps, innately, its this sadness because you thought you had things figured out, sketched out and planned, that freakishly you secretly thought of doing life together to find out that you were conjuring your "perfect" groom from the contents of a stranger. a waste after all. a back to square one of oblivion.

to be honest, i'm fed up with this sort of routine shit. i've come to grips that i will never really know a person in his or her totality. nor will i know myself. that is a coveted secret shared only by the Creator. what i can do is to forget trying to devour people with attempts at getting to know them and to just know them. is there a difference you ask? of course. i mean stop trying so hard to find the perfect guy or perfect relationship or perfect friendship or perfect human being because thats just nonexistent bullshit and a cruising for a bruising. understand its a risk everyday to give fragments of yourself away. accept that you will only know so much of a person. but be content. be thankful that they were willing enough to shed some of their skin to let you in. i'm not talking about being two faced ok?! just be happy you know someone, in this world it's easy not to.

thought # 154- ninety nine truths, one lie.

100 truths!
1. last beverage: water
2. last phone call: gerry
3. last text message: luke
4. last song you listened to: 1963- rachael yamagata
5. last time you cried: its been awhile

have you ever:
6. dated someone twice: no
7. been cheated on: no
8. kissed someone and regretted it: yes
9. lost someone special: yes
10. been depressed: yes
11. been drunk and threw up: yes

list three favorite colors:
12. black
13. yellow
14. beige

this year, have you:
15. made a new friend: yes
16. fallen out of love: yes
17. laughed until you cried: yes
18. met someone who changed you: yer
19. found out who your true friends were: kind of
20. found out someone was talking about you: i wish
21. kissed anyone on your friends list: yes
22. how many people on your friends list do you know in real life: based on facebook (about 3/4)
23. how many kids do you want to have: 2, boy then girl.
24. do you have any pets: does my dad count? haha i kid.
25. do you want to change your name: for a day.
26. what did you do for your last birthday: dinner and clubbing.
27. what time did you wake up today: 9am
28. what were you doing at midnight last night: wasting time
29. name something you cannot wait for: summer holidays
30. last time you saw your mother in law: she's no existent.

32. what are you listening to right now: vultures- john mayer
33. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes
34. what’s getting on your nerves right now: this sem
35. most visited webpage: facebook
36. what’s your real name: abigail
37. nicknames: abi
38. relationship status: single
39. zodiac sign: aries
40. male or female: female
41. elementary school: toonie
42. middle schools: toonie
43. high school: toonie
44. hair colour: dark brown
45. long or short hair: short
46. height: also short
47. do you have a crush on someone: not really
48: what do you like about yourself: i dont really know.
49. piercings: 3
50. tattoos: none yet
51. righty or lefty: righty

firsts :
52. first surgery: none
53. first piercing: ears
54. first best friend: rachel
55. first sport you joined: none
56. first pet: dog
57. first vacation: usa
58. first concert: john mayer
59. first crush: thomas i think

right now:
60. eating: kitkat mmm
61. drinking: nothing
62. i’m about to: stop procrastinating... right.
63. listening to: can't take my eyes off you- lauryn hill
64. waiting for: him
your future :
65. want kids? yes
66. want to get married? yes
67. careers in mind: corporate lawyer or something where i get to write about shit, travel the world and get paid heaps for it.

which is better with the opposite sex? :
68. lips or eyes: eyes
69. hugs or kisses: hugs
70. shorter or taller: taller, that's not hard.
72. romantic or spontaneous: both
73. nice bottom or nice boobs: ass, manboobs are disturbing.
74. sensitive or loud: both
77. trouble maker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever :
78. kissed a stranger: not a complete stranger
79. drank hard liquor: yes
80. lost glasses/contacts: no
81. ran away from home: no
82. are you awesome: no
83. sure? very sure
84. broken someone’s heart: unintentionally if so
86. turned someone down: yes
87. cried when someone died: yes
88. liked a girl friend: no

do you believe in:
89. yourself: sometimes
90. miracles: yes
91. love at first sight: lust
92. heaven: yes
93. kiss on the first date: depends
94. angels: yes

answer truthfully:
95. is there one person you want to be with right now: kind of
96. who do you truly love: um
97. what do you want most now: summer holidays
98. had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time: no
99. do you believe in god: yes
100. posting this as 100 truths? ok

thought #153- 2015

Day 30- What you see yourself doing in 5 years time

yay finally finished this challenge! took me at least 3 months rather than 30 days but i'm glad to have followed through and seen its completion haha. i love questions such as these. it conjures feelings of excitement, fear, uncertainty and optimism. i love the thought of aging, maturing, seeing the world and experiencing all its wonders and surprises. so five years... i'll be 23 by that time. finished university, hopefully working where it rewards me internally and financially haha. i hope to have travelled a bit more, moved out perhaps closer to the CBD. i hope im still rooted in church life, seeing my parents often and just enjoying young adulthood. i do hope i've found a significant other at this point too. i just hope to be doing well and loving life, really that's all i could ask.

love

thought #152- we show off our souls not our shirts.

Day 29- What you wore today?

to be honest, i am not very bothered to post pictures so i shall merely attempt to describe.

1. vintage oversized camel/beige mens suede collared shirt
2. black singlet underneath
3. vintage levis DIY denim shorts
4. black semi opaque stockings
5. camel suede desert boots
6. mimco curb chain bracelet in gold.

very alexa inspired i must add. she is after all she is my fashion guru.

love,

thought #151- same mirror, different reflection

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

2009

2010

i must say, alot of things have changed since last year. irrespective of the obvious lack of locks (and probably the university stress induced weight gain), i personally feel like a different person. some aspects i am glad to say for the better,  some i must secretly confide in saying for the worst. to be honest, i didn't expect the alteration of life to occur at such a huge and far reaching extent. i mean i was aware and prepared for things to be differently, for different friends, a vastly different atmosphere, a change and challenge in everything i knew and believed in. but it still took me by surprise. life still shocks, even when we knew it would happen.

i question whether i have matured. maybe so. my priorities in life have definitely been challenged. everything that i love and dwell have also been challenged. i guess when your suddenly brought into a place where you actually have to think twice. where people are not as forgiving and loving as the saviour you worship and adore, it really rattles the bones and spirit. i have to say i am different. i'm not as naive, i'm not as cemented. i'm not as sure but neither am i not as wimpy enough to be swayed from side to side. i know i'm not the same as i was previously. whether that is a good thing or bad thing still remains in question every single day.

love,

thought #150- why?

Day 27 - Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I was bored.
Think of how many beautiful and disastrous fruits came because of this very reason.

thought #149- friends first, lovers second.

Day 26 - What you think about your friends

to be honest i have a heirachy when it comes to friendship. first there are the acquaintances; the people you stick to cheap conversation with, make brief appearances at mutual celebrations, almost strangers almost friends, people you'd sit next to on the bus ride home sort of companions. then there are friends; people you see on a often, folks you would be comfortable to have lunch or see a movie with but would find it odd if they suddenly called you on a daily basis. then there are the close friends; segregated in a special circle. subconsciously divided between the friends you would merely say hello to. these are the friends you would road trip, have a few drinks at a club with, sleepover with. then there are the best friends. the favourites, the privileged few that know the inner sanctum of who you are. the only people to have touched your heart that an imprint was left. these are the people you have tested to be true and loyal regardless of the season, an arguement or distance. these people will disappoint you, hurt you, not always be altogether but regardless love you and appreciate you for who you are. these are the people who you see you at your worst and best and still call you friend. i think friendship is dangerous, an instrument of utter pleasure and simultaneously of destruction. but without friends, life is paltry. we weren't meant to do this confusing sojourn called life on our own.

love,

thought #148- heart spill

apart from the fact that i'm feeling absolutely horrible, via the overrate spring weather, tonight has caused me to feel slightly weird. it's kind of embarrassing to admit but i suddenly feel wounded. it feels like life as we speak has been very plateau lately. boring and uneventful, stuck between the quotidian routines of sleep, eat, uni and exist. i have entered into this comfortable familiar twilight zone where nothing appears to phase me, where the meaning of my life is buried underneath priorities of study and success. even the carnal vices of the flesh have been trampled on by this consistent monotonous wave of nothingness. usually i'm fine, even rejoicing at the absence of drama and the rollercoaster moments of life. but tonight, i've been bitten internally.

the first came from my uni friend who commented in a non-offensive respective manner that i didn't appear as the church going type. now normally this doesn't phase me, and i acknowledge that my relationship with God has been very frayed and difficult this year, but the truth of his statement came as a slap to my face. i mean as much as ive strayed away from abiding the exact righteous life we are called to have, as much as i haven't in all honesty been salt and light, as much as the reality is that i'm a lukewarm, disgraceful person, the fact that someone picked it up too just made me feel sick to the stomach. i thought then what do i look like? do i appear as another mediocre individual consuming the worthless, empty offerings of the world i was supposed to help and not become of. can i honestly look at myself, my behaviour, my thoughts and be proud of who i am today?

the answer makes me want to cry. because i know what i am becoming and part of me is selfish and hedonistic. part of me is battling for redemption. part of me wants to be good. part of me wants to follow. not because i want to appear as someone content with life. because i know the truth. i know how much life is better on the other side. but i struggle. its so difficult to give up things that my heart desires but my spirit rebukes. i am so torn.

second, my close friend observed the diminishing feelings of former favourite boy for me. just like my relationship with God, i wasn't expecting him to feel the same as it was before. but hearing the reality, the possibility that he is truly over me is heartbreaking. i feel so hypocritical but the fact that i'm hurt about this trivial piece of detail makes me question if i'm truly over it. the fact that the "ifs" regarding him still linger is terrifying and i find myself in a place of loneliness and ever growing questions. uncertainty is a bitch.

now for one, im not attempting to overanalyse nor worry. i just think im being convicted to rethink life again. to remind myself why i'm here an who i'm here for. i've finally gotten tired of being tired. sick of being lazy. i want to do something. but its hard. i know its going to be a slow, grueling process. i don't even know how to start or where to begin. i just know i have a lot of thinking and altering. i can only pray that i don't crash and burn because the thought already cuts me into two.

love,

thought # 147- Johnny's Cafe

Who: Johnny's Cafe

Where: 4/2 Horwood Pl, Parramatta

When: Monday (Open M-F 6:00am- 5:00pm, Sat 7:30am- 1pm).

What: Chicken Schnitzel Club Toasted Wholemeal Sandwich with Bacon, Avacado, Lettuce, Mayo and Cheese ($6.80)

How good: 2/5

To be honest, I'm not very familiar with Parramatta dining. It's one of those places where I'm present to eat dinner on a loved one's special day but as far as cafes are concerned I am absolutely ignorant. My  usual lonely cafe hopping day was pleasantly altered with the accompaniment of my two good friends Joseph and Jason. After watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (which I must add was remarkable and everyone should go see it), we were all quite starving and our inital plan to visit Mars Hill Cafe was sadly pulverised due to its closure on Monday mornings. We experienced another blow with the infamous nasi goreng joint also being closed, so being third time lucky we noticed Johnny's cafe, a cozy little place with locals enjoying a meal and coffee, and out of a famished condition, sore legs and its semi-quiet atmosphere we settled to order. Upon inspecting the little cafe, I noticed it had an element of familiarity with not only the locals but perhaps the friendly wooden sign etched at the side of the place. Since it was a beautiful day, the three of us decided to sit outside. Aesthetically, the cafe isn't spectacularly decorated but it does have that cafe look about it. After ordering our meals (the two boys ordered burgers), we engaged in much chit chat before our lunch soon appeared. Tucking into the three slice toastie, I immediately noticed a missing flavour. Perhaps the sandwich needed a sauce more stronger than mayo, maybe it needed tomatoes, whatever it was there was a slightly disappointing lack to my meal. The sandwich itself wasn't too bad, the schnitzel was good and not just some 3/4 fat 1/4 meat pattie. The vegies were fresh, the bread toasted well, but the cheese was definitely a downsider with an absence of melt. Nevertheless the quick service was a plus, the prices affordable and the friendly staff were tip-worthy. I guess it was nothing special, but was a decent enough feed. It wouldn't be a highly recommend for me personally, but with the rest of the cafes closed, I guess their loss is Johnny's gain. 

Love,

Abi

ps. Highly recommend a hot and cold at san churros! one of the best hot choccies I've ever had. Lust worthy!

thought #146- the one for me.

someone who:
1. knows how to be thankful.
2. reminds me to cleanse, exfoliate and moistorise my face.
3. has also gotten emotional when mufasa died in lion king.
4. asks how i am unexpectedly.
5. can still stand to see me after i've just woken up.
6. can accept the things that they can't change.
7. can chismis with my mum.
8. is honest enough to tell me the truth.
9. doesn't just want me out of convenience.
10. actually wants to pursue me.
11. loves the Creator, but struggles every day to get it right with Him too.
12. is decisive but caring enough to ask about my opinion too.
13. lets me smoke a cigarette once in awhile.
14. can sit and talk for hours over skim mochas.
15. isn't always sure, altogether, rehearsed or flawless.
16. has had their heart broken before.
17. believes in an eternity.
18. likes a home-cooked meal and a night in.
19. can't promise they won't break my heart but will promise to break it if it'll make me a better person.
20. doesn't just have sex on their mind.
21. has standards but isn't expecting anything.
22. has a heffer of a heart.
23. can see the greater, selfless things in life.
24. respects me.

is the one for me.

ps. in other words francisco lachowski. haha i kid. just another excuse to upload a photo of my brazilian manfriend.
pps. this isn't an advertisement. im not expecting ill meet him soon. maybe i don't even want too. not just yet.

thought #145- Monday Mornings

Are usually synonymous with crusty eyeballs, crumpled faces, falling sound asleep on the bus/train and the internal cursing at another quotidian routine of work/school. But I find that despite experiencing all of the previously mentioned, I actually look forward to my Monday mornings. Skipping my Blethics lecture for an adventure around the city in search for another cafe to brunch at in the company of beautiful waiters and equally beautiful aesthetics. If I keep this up, I reckon I could start writing cafe reviews (with the iota of knowledge I have regarding cuisine) for the hell of it. So I begin my first exploratory (technically second, visited Pieno cafe at Surry Hills last week but can't be bothered back tracking... may visit it a second time!) recount for my new found obsession/lust- cafe hopping.

Who: Cafe C

Where: 281 King St, Newtown.

When: Monday (Open M-S 7:30am- 10pm).

What: Breaky ham, cheese and tomato croissant ($7) with freshly squeezed orange juice ($5).

How good: 2.5/5 

I actually wasn't planning to go to Newtown today, but with such gloomy weather and a sudden impulse desire to op-shop, I thought I'd pay a visit to one of my favourite suburbs. Yes, it's slightly dishevelled, overpriced at times and the eclecticism can sometimes leave one out of place, but I find a sense of home in this cultured little nook. Desperate to find shelter from the shitface weather and with a growling stomach, I found solace in the nearest decent looking cafe I could find. The little sign "Yes we're open, it's warm inside!" was enticing enough for me and sure enough the empty-ish cafe (perhaps it was too early or it was a Monday or its usually quiet) was cozy and inviting. With some Mediterranean tunes infiltrating the room, I was given a menu and chose to sit by the window panels. The cafe, upon quick and closer inspection, was cute and rustic with a touch of modernity (the cute lightbulb lighting). I noticed that a lot of people stopped by for a takeaway cuppa (including a cute stranger who came in for a mocha) but not many stayed to dine (once again I blame the Monday morning-itis). The meal itself was of a good size and tasty despite trying to keep my dignity with the bluntest knife known to man. The croissant was delicious and flaky but the cheese lacked that true melt and it was obvious that an effort to create this dish was slightly rushed. The orange juice was also pretty acidic it probably could of boiled my guts, but luckily I'm a fan of sour. Disappointment came with the two waiters who weren't exactly friendly or pleasant. Don't get me wrong they weren't bastards or anything, but their constant flirting behind the coffee machine and other random chatters made it feel like I was intruding something private. All in all, if you're looking for a quiet Monday morning feed with enough money left to splurge on your vintage then this is a place you should consider (note I didn't say recommend), other than that it wasn't brilliant nor was it tragic. It looks like a great place to grab a coffee but maybe not as great to dine in for breaky. I'm afraid this cafe is a little like me, sleepy-eyed, nonchalant and a little nasty at 10am.

love,

thought #144- the contents of a woman's handbag is the contents of her soul

its true.

a little bit of my soul.

• kikki k 2010 diary.
• dettol hand sanitizer.
• mimco wallet.
• keys.
• assortment of pens.
• dunhill refined 20.
• green bic lighter.
• ck glasses.
• rayban sunnies.
• oral b dental toothpicks.
• elizabeth arden compact mirror.
• vaseline with aloe vera lip balm.
• eclipse black chill mints
• nokia e63 phone which is in dire need of a replacement. 

love,

thought #143- tickle me pink

Day 24- Whatever tickles you’re fancy

ten things that tickle my fancy (what an odd saying):

1. handsome, quirky, geeky cute, awkward strangers.
2. a good brunch dish.
3. penning down a song.
4. a good read.
5. a bargain.
6. sleeping in.
7. a night out with my favourite people.
8. amazing dnms.
9. mimco.
10. sounds.

love,

thought # 142- the munchies

Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot

i kind of feel sorry for my future husband, because if i crave as bad as i do when i'm not impregnated, my good lord i could be asking for anything. i get mad cravings. like they're not absurd like pickles dipped in chocolate or that shit, but when i get a craving i need to have it or my whole day, mood and outlook on life is suddenly dismal. as if my life depends on it.

i usually crave things i don't eat that often such as frozen cheesecake, lindt macaroons, ben and jerrys or baskin and robbins or even something as disgusting as maccas. but then again i do crave regulars like pork rolls, sushi, and gummy worms. i know weird.  but generally i'll crave higher end delicacies. once i recall desperately wanting cheesecake at some ungodly hour that my dad had to drive me to woolies just to get some. i know its crazy.

but other than that i dont really crave often, except maybe when im having a bad day and need coffee or shopping or both.

love,

ps. all this chat about food is making me hungry!

thought #141- ill set you apart.

Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else

to be honest this question makes me cringe. mainly because it forces me to actually delve deep into who i am as a person and where i fit in this jigsaw puzzle called society. why it makes me cringe is because i am honestly still in the process of trying to find out what defines me. this doesnt mean i'm after any sympathy here, but there really isn't anything special that sets me apart, except for the fact there is no human being that looks, acts, thinks and essentially is me. being unique is such an opaque concept. i struggle to grapple with it.

i mean i do have my little foibles, my little quirky things that make me not completely different but somewhat distinguished. such as my penchant for writing, my love for strangers, my affinity for the shade of black in clothing, my irregular heartbeat, my whim for red lipstick, my necessity for nailpolish (dark blue, red and purple), my soft spot for morbidity, my insomniac tendencies, my strange thinking patterns, my vocal chords, my grandfather hands, my lifelong refinement for my Creator, my skim mocha and morning cigarette breakfast, my verbosity, my obsession for visiting cafes by myself, my shyness, my fondness for debating, my inability to play any sport, my non-existent love life and the list potentially perpetutates. but i guess alot of people can pick a few and say "hey me too" thus eliminating the purpose of difference from everyone else.

but hey i'm not selfish. i think its great to find a "hey me too" in your life. its good to have differences, but its within those differences that the similarities blossom. and suddenly doing life alone, is impossible.

love,

thought #140- i shot the sheriff

Day 21- A screen shot of your desktop

my desktop. nothing fancy. the background picture is of the cafe i visited with my lovely friend janelle a few weeks back. it's called coco cubana and is located at oxford st. the vintage decor, local vibe and laidback aura (not to mention their killer milk mochas) make this a visit must!

love,